I DO NOT heart grocery shopping

What does the above picture have to do with grocery shopping? I have no idea. But when I did a google search for “I hate grocery shopping”, this picture came up. So I figured I’d give this guy some mad peanut props. But I digress…

Here’s something else kind of space/time continuum-ey. When I went shopping Friday afternoon, I had no idea Beth was going to do a post about grocery shopping, nor did I know I would be doing a post about grocery shopping. That is, until I happened to come across a cheese display at the local grocery store. People, it’s not like I’m out looking for blog fodder everywhere I go (Okay, maybe I am just a little.), but tell me, is it’s just me?:

Seemingly gracious wine and cheese steward from this angle, right? Not so fast!

Am I the only person who thinks this guy isn’t wearing any pants? I have passed by this particular display countless times! Since I don’t drink wine and I think those particular type of crackers are fairly nasty, I never really paid much attention. But please, Kroger! There are CHILDREN at this grocery store!

That is just wrong on so many levels. After be ocularly accosted in the rear of the store (pun intended), I figured I had everything I wanted and some things I didn’t. I composed myself and went to the check out line, paid for my groceries and headed out to the parking lot. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, my phone rings. It is my husband calling. “Are you still at the grocery store?” This means one of two things: 1) “How much longer are you going to be?” or 2) “I forgot to ask you to get me some jelly beans.” On this day, it was the latter. I really didn’t feel like going back to the store, as I was still visibly shaken by the pornographic cheese buttler. But since Katdish = obedient wife, I turned the car around and went back to get 3 bags of Jolly Rancher jelly beans. (They are the best.) Obviously, I didn’t get a cart or a basket. I can manage 3 bags of jelly beans all by myself, thank you very much.

So guess what? They’re on sale. They are ordinarily $2.99 per bag, but the sale price was 3 for $5.00. I call dh to ask him how many bags I was supposed to buy. Yep — six. “Oh, and by the way, we also need Cheetos, saltine crackers and tortilla chips.” Great! As if I don’t already look like a big enough tool walking around with 6 large bags of jelly beans. Might as well go for broke.

No, I do not heart grocery shopping — not even a little bit. But the candy aisle was somewhat educational. Have you heard about the new m&m special dark chocolate candies?

I always thought that because they were shiny looking, they were INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED in foil. And seriously…who has that kind of time? But no! You EAT the shiny part:

Yeah. Still not so sure about that. But to end on a positive note, guess what they were selling in the bakery? (Cue the angelic, cherub choir.) Chocolate chip pumpkin muffin tops! Yum-O!

Now, that there is a muffin top I can give truly get behind.

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49 Responses to “I DO NOT heart grocery shopping”

  1. BeckeyZ March 31, 2009 at 5:16 am #

    >OMG!!!!! I absolutely LOVE Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans. I was just munching on some last week at work. I can never find a deal like that though.

    And yeah, that butler dude looks totally pantless. You should contact your local tv news.

  2. Mare March 31, 2009 at 6:22 am #

    >Oh my word!! I was waiting for the explaination on the pantless cheese advertisement. I expected some sort of witty nude slogan or something, I didn’t expect it to be unintended. That’s hilarious.

  3. Shark Bait March 31, 2009 at 7:34 am #

    >I note that you use "pornographic cheese butler" as one of your tags. Just in case anyone else is looking for information about one.


  4. Nick the Geek March 31, 2009 at 7:41 am #

    >OK must type quickly before someone beets me to all the good jokes.

    Muffin tops … isn’t it interesting that muffin tops lead to muffin tops?

    You can get behind? Or rather they got to your behind?

    Nekkid butler? writes itself.

    You do realize you had a nekkid butler with your jolly ranchers in this blog right? That is so wrong.

    Dang it there are so many more bt I’m distracted by the thought of shiny edible candy. That is so bad for me to know about. I’m not going to get anything done today.

    Word verification: bingsols
    I’m still distracted by the shiny candy but there is something here. Probably something related to nekkid butler butt that I shouldn’t figure out. Wouldn’t want to corrupt my innocent mind.

    { | } Its a fancy butt. You can tell because of the curly braces.

  5. Steph at The Red Clay Diaries March 31, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    >”pornographic cheese buttler.”

    Hee. And I just noticed the creative spelling.

    I totally thought it was intentional. I bet some creative employee (probably from Nick’s youth group) ‘doctored’ the buttler.


    Also? Shiny candy? I definitely would’ve been better off not knowing about that. Especially since I need to either lose weight or buy all new pants. And shorts. And shirts. And undergarments. I think I can still wear my old shoes though.

    WV: glingsti

    This makes me think of the nekkid butler too. Annnnnd I think I need to leave this one alone.

    But since Katdish = obedient wife

  6. Helen March 31, 2009 at 8:56 am #

    >Katdish, even funnier is the picture I get in my head of you whipping out a camera and taking a picture of a mannequin’s butt! Did you tell a manager?

    In the store I shop at there is this weird woman who dances in the produce aisle when I am there…wait, that’s me.

  7. Steph at The Red Clay Diaries March 31, 2009 at 8:57 am #

    >Doh. I could delete my first comment and have you all wondering what pornographic thoughts I had typed and then had second thoughts on.

    So I’ll just correct it.

    ‘Katdish = obedient wife’ tickled me so much that I was gonna comment on it. But then I forgot.

    Oooh, look! Shiny candy…

  8. Beth March 31, 2009 at 9:48 am #

    >Dude, I could “bare”ly get through the rest of the post because I’m still laughing about that “butt”ler. His booty is facing the frozen food! He’s got to be uncomfortable. Frozen buns are supposed to be a few aisles down.

    There’s a blueberry muffin top cereal at Wal-Mart and I think about you every time I see it….

    I’m posting Grocery Getter Part Deux today if my kids quit biting each other this morning.

  9. Marni March 31, 2009 at 9:50 am #

    >Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans?!?!?!? I am SO going looking for those today! And what's with the shiny and fancy M&M's. Clearly I like in BFE and we don't get those sorts of things. I'm going to start doing my grocery shopping online so I can get quality foods like you do.

    We have the pornographic cheese buttler at our Kroger too. I've never noticed the butt though. I think I'll contact my local new outlet and do that whiny Christian thing about how inappropriate it is. I'm not a good Baptist unless I let the world know what I'm against. Also, while I have the mic in my face, I'll lament the lack of gourmet jelly beans and M&M's and see if I can't right that wrong too.

  10. Marni March 31, 2009 at 9:52 am #

    >yeah, coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. Typos in last post include (but aren’t limited to):


    lo siento mi amigos.

  11. sherri March 31, 2009 at 10:06 am #

    >I wish I could have been there just to watch you photograph the Buttler! (Beth, you made some really wise CRACKS!)

    Too much fun in the grocery store.

    I agree. He looks naked. Tell them you’re a painter and offer to paint on some black slacks.

  12. Nick the Geek March 31, 2009 at 10:08 am #


    Skip the Jolly Ranchers and go for the Starburst. Much better.

  13. C-Lowe March 31, 2009 at 10:27 am #

    >”pornographic cheese butler…” hillarious!!

  14. Annie K March 31, 2009 at 10:50 am #

    >I happen to enjoy wine. And cheese. But I’d have a hard time taking it seriously while shopping with a half-nude dude.

  15. Tony C March 31, 2009 at 10:51 am #

    >Bringing new meaning to ‘sex sells’…wow. Nothing sells cheese like an exposed crack!

    In my juvenile delinquent days, I would have had much fun with this public display…much fun.

  16. katdish March 31, 2009 at 11:09 am #

    >I’ll have y’all know that when I googled “pornographic cheese butler”, my blog was NUMERO UNO! A niche audience to be sure, but still…

    You know I’m really tempted to walk by and paint fancy, scripty tattoos on each butt cheek “Love” on one and “Hate” on the other! Either that or one of those ying/yang symbols. But maybe that should go in the front…

  17. katdish March 31, 2009 at 11:10 am #

    >And now, dear readers I am going to Kroger to get some of those fancy m&m's in the interest of shiny candy market research.

  18. Nick the Geek March 31, 2009 at 11:17 am #

    >I would like to say that I would still find some way to amuse myself with that because my juvenile delinquent days aren’t behind me. Actually that isn’t entirely true. I’ve matured enough to know how much more fun it is to get others to do the dirty work. You get all the fun with none of the risk.

    Also, we really miss Kroger. The closest Kroger store is like 50 miles away.

  19. Helen March 31, 2009 at 11:50 am #

    >(Chicken| Egg )
    (Master | Blaster)
    (Airing | Out )
    (Mary Kate | Ashley)
    (Dumb | Dumber)
    (Guns | N’ Roses)
    (Buns of | Plastic)

    wv inkeshem This is America, speak Spanglish!

  20. Nick the Geek March 31, 2009 at 12:04 pm #


    That was good. Took me a minute to figure out what was going on.

  21. Beth March 31, 2009 at 12:36 pm #

    >Someone tell me…what they do with the muffin bottoms???

    If they throw them away, I’m going to be making a picket sign shortly and head to my nearest Kroger (a mere 25 miles away, Nick!).


  22. Helen March 31, 2009 at 1:26 pm #

    >Beth, we can add that to the list of things to do at Bloggapalooza…

  23. Helen March 31, 2009 at 1:30 pm #

    >(chocolate | peanut butter)

    (Ketchup | Mustard)

    (Bacon | Eggs)

    (ramma lamma | ding dong)

    (boop de| doop)

    (Bop | Shebop)

    (Hall | Oates)

    (Hope | Crosby)

    I’ll be back later….

  24. Marni March 31, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

    >Is Helen off her meds again?

  25. Helen March 31, 2009 at 1:40 pm #

    >(smart | a$$ )

  26. Pornographic Cheese Butler March 31, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

    >I’m too sexy for my tray, to sexy for my tray…

    Hey Katdish, you lookin’ at my butt?

    C’mon Katdish, you know you want some. I’ll even shake it for ya!

    Please try to ignore the butt pimples though, huh?

  27. Stacy from Louisville March 31, 2009 at 2:09 pm #

    >OK, my 7 year old came in, saw the cheese dude, and said, “Oh my.” Get that cheese porn off your site before it offends my delicate sesnibilities!!

  28. Steph at The Red Clay Diaries March 31, 2009 at 2:09 pm #

    >Even *I* am scared now. Helen! Put the marker down!

  29. Billy Coffey March 31, 2009 at 3:46 pm #

    >WOW. I’m not sure I even know where to start with this…

    Jolly Rancher jelly beans are my comfort food. I’ve eaten an entire bag while watching a ballgame, and I didn’t even care who won.

    I myself stay away from the grocery store. I wander around, disillusioned because of all the choices and the fact that I don’t know where anything is.

    I can’t fault your husband, either. Many a time my wife has made the Walk of Shame back into the store because I’ve called her and begged for just one more thing.

  30. BeckeyZ March 31, 2009 at 4:09 pm #

    >Hubby tried to pass the Starburst jelly beans off as Jolly Ranchers. I wasn’t going for that. BIG DIFFERENCE. They don’t have that tarty/sweetness trademark jolly rancher flavor.

  31. Beth March 31, 2009 at 4:14 pm #

    >Every time I stop by today, I just laugh and laugh some more…

    Ahhh. This one’s an instant clASSic.

  32. katdish March 31, 2009 at 4:21 pm #


    Don’t listen to Steph and Marni! You are in the Zone! Eye of the tiger, woman…

    ( EYE of | the TIGER!)

  33. Helen March 31, 2009 at 4:45 pm #

    >Thank you, Katdish. So far, my favorite is (chocolate | peanutbutter)

    (creamy | crunchy)
    (Spic | Span)
    (Manet | Monet) for those who prefer something classy
    (full | moon)
    (see oth|er side)

  34. Helen March 31, 2009 at 5:12 pm #

    >(cookies| N cream)

  35. jasonS March 31, 2009 at 6:31 pm #

    >I’m not really a jelly bean person, but the pic of the blurry butt made me laugh. Thanks!

  36. Matt @ The Church of No People March 31, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

    >Katdish, I apologize for my commenting unfaithfulness. You have no idea the kind of schedule I’ve been keeping lately! But I absolutely will not allow myself to be shown up by the likes of such superior bloggers/people as Jon Acuff and Pete Wilson! You can tell them I said that. I have been reading your blog though, so take heart.
    I do not heart grocery shopping either, and I find myself in the store much more often than I like. But we don’t have any pantsless grocers touting their wares for us either. I think that would make the trip much more exciting.

  37. sherri March 31, 2009 at 10:21 pm #

    >I have nothing to add; just enjoying Helen’s tattoo ideas.

  38. Helen April 1, 2009 at 12:08 am #

    >Why didn’t any of us come up with a joke about cutting the cheese?

  39. katdish April 1, 2009 at 12:15 am #

    >How could we possibly miss that? I blame the butt tattoos…

    Which were AWESOME! My favorite?

    (mary kate | ashley )

    That just about did me in.

  40. Helen April 1, 2009 at 12:33 am #

    >Thanks. I came up with that one because at one time Bob and I named our cars Mary Kate and Ashley. Yeah, we were young and in cutesy love then. We are still in love. We are still kind of cutesy. What’s different? The grace to be embarrassed about naming our cars after the Olsen twins…

  41. Vincetastic May 31, 2009 at 4:19 pm #

    >My butlers are always pantless, they work better that way.

  42. Heather of the EO October 5, 2009 at 11:04 pm #


    I have to admit that for a second I thought that you didn't now how to spell butler.



    Grocery shopping=lame.

    I love your hilarity!

  43. L.T. Elliot October 6, 2009 at 12:59 am #

    >Here from heather's blog and FRICKIN HILARIOUS, MAYBE?! This was so frickin' funny!

  44. Boy Crazy October 6, 2009 at 5:08 pm #

    >Ok, I totally read that Pornographic Cheese Butter. I kept wondering how the butter was pornographic, and what the hell cheese butter was. Until I got to the third comment. ANd then somehow, the whole thing was even funnier.

    Honestly, I was laughing out loud at those pictures to the point that I woke my baby as he was falling asleep and he started laughing too. 🙂

  45. CaJoh October 7, 2009 at 11:58 am #

    >Stopping by from The Extra Ordinary. I have seen these things, but never in a store. I think it's the comments that make this one a classic— still trying to catch my breath.

  46. becominglast January 14, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

    >Wow. I definitely laughed out loud at the naked guy. Too funny.

    Shark Bait also had my favorite comment:

    I note that you use "pornographic cheese butler" as one of your tags. Just in case anyone else is looking for information about one.

  47. katdish January 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

    >becoming last –

    You just never know when you're going to need a pornographic cheese butler. And now, if someone googles it, it will lead them here.

  48. Bridget Chumbley January 14, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    >Okay… since all the good jokes are already taken… and since I have tears streaming down my face…

    I just have to say that we have those same pumpkin *cough* 'muffin tops' and they are to die for!


  1. The 10 commandments of grocery shopping | Katdish.net - June 21, 2012

    […] shopping has been public knowledge since way back in March, 2009 when I shared with all of you that I DO NOT heart grocery shopping. I further shared my angst in my Pullitzer Prize* winning investigative follow-up, Say it […]

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