Katdish.net

(For the record, I’m the adorable one in the middle with the Fred Flintstone feet.)

What my mother didn’t teach me that I learned the hard way:

• that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
• that God is my everything
• that having a newborn is not for the faint of heart
• that seeing your child in pain is excrutiatingly more difficult than your own pain
• that I really am creative, just not in the same ways she is
• that not all men are creeps
• that marriage isn’t a fairy tale, it’s a constant work in progress
• that just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it’s not gossip
• that mother’s aren’t perfect, but love covers a multitude of sins

Things I learned from my mother:

• to make lemonade when life give you lemons, even if it’s still a little bitter
• that creativity and a little elbow grease can go a long way
• to respect your elders even if you don’t agree with them
• to always say please and thank you
• that steamed rice goes with just about anything, even spaghetti sauce
• that when there’s nothing to laugh about, you can always laugh at yourself
• to always put the needs of others before your own
• to do an honest day’s work
• that happiness is a warm puppy – even the 3 legged variety
• that sometimes life is just about endurance
• that actions always speak louder than words
• to pick myself up and dust myself off
• to never say “I’ll never do that with my kids.”
• that the youngest child usually gets their way by means of wearing you down
• that the youngest child gets sucker punched in the back when mom’s not looking (okay, my sisters and brother taught me that one – frequently)
• that cute goes a long way, but character will go the distance
• to be a subservient and submissive wife (okay that one didn’t really take)
• that giving to others is infinitely more satisfying that hoarding things for yourself.
• that true beauty comes from within

Thanks, mom. I am a better mom because I am your daughter.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms, daughters, grandmothers and granddaughter!

I’ve been praying for God to give my life more balance, that I use my gifts for good, not for evil…

But God, in His infinite Wisdom, does not dole out answers to prayers like some kind of holy gumball machine. Pray for patience, He will put situations in your life to teach you patience. Pray for integrity, He will put you in a position where the right choice isn’t necessarily the first choice. He’s pretty all powerful and omnipotent like that.

So, when I prayed for balance, He opened the floodgates. I haven’t had a paying painting gig in 2 months. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve had 5 calls from old clients and a call from a decorator that wants to keep me working for the rest of my natural born life. God said, “Go find your balance.”

I enjoy blogging more than I ever thought I would. I have met some of the most amazing, hilarious, inspiring, talented, God honoring people: pastors, writers, stay at home moms and daughters, college students, working men and women. It takes up time from my day, but time that, while can be a distraction, can also be an incredible blessing. All things in moderation.

Because I will be away from my computer quite a bit for the foreseeable future, I have asked Billy Coffey to be a regular guest blogger on HLAC. A request that he has graciously accepted. (Excuse me while I do a back flip – um…ouch!) I have also asked some of my blogger buddies to fill in on a rotating basis. If you enjoy this blog, I promise you, you will enjoy reading their work as well.

Beginning next week, Monday’s posts will be written by Billy Coffey. In addition, on Wednesdays, I will introduce some of you to some of my favorite bloggers who will fill that spot for me. I will continue to be annoying and ridiculous the remaining days, save Sunday, where I will hopefully post something that honors God and refocuses this blogger on why I am here in the first place.

Thank you for your faithfulness to this blog. I think this is going to be awesomatasic!

Despite a few subtle hints dropped here and there via twitter, certain people still refuse to follow me or the rest of my frigintastically interesting friends. I’m not going to mention any names, but you know who you are “Jodigal Pron”. (Wow – that looks kinda dirty typed out like that, huh?) Anyway, here’s what you’ve been missing:

Things I still don’t necessarily need to know about you via twitter:

• that your arms are getting really hairy
• that your local starbucks is open until 10PM
• that your cable is out
• that your dog woke you up in the middle of the night to go pee (okay, that was me)
• whether or not you use an umbrella
• that you take the Lord’s name in vain with the same reckless abandon whether the Cubs win a three game series or “it’s time for bed”
• that you often follow attractive women via twitter randomly (um – Ewh!)
• that you’re still not following me on twitter
• that K-mart sells Icees
• that Icees cannot compete with Slurpees
• that sexy ears abound
• that you need to pee (again)

(I’m giving away a free CD to the first person who can email me at katdishrich@gmail.com and tell who tweeted 8 of 12 of the aforementioned little tidbits of TMI.)

Things I’m cool with knowing about you via twitter:

• that you were inspired by one of my retweets to cross-stitch a pillow for your pastor and his wife because you also think gasoline smells “cool as @$$” .
• that you think I’m a bloody rockstar
• that no one can match my frigintastic interestingness
• that sarcasm is your love language
• that you got witnessed to outside of Starbucks because people think you look like you’re going to hell
• that you’re fighting off a mediocre day and you need someone to stab
• that you finally caved and joined twitter because of my thinly veiled threats of violence
• that you finally changed that creepy avatar
• that you make a good baptist when it comes to dancing
• that there’s a whole lot of ppbottle love to go around
• that monkey butted meetings are the number one cause of power tool owies
• that you are safely home from India and you still find me annoying yet endearing
• that you will automatically retweet anything I tweet beginning with “Dear” (I know, I’m easily amused.)
• that you finally remembered to tweet your own dang posts! I can’t do EVERYTHING!

Random Katdish bits of wisdom and social commentary:

• My daughter is some kind of epic hula hooper. Wondering if she can make a career out of this w/o having knives thrown at her?
• I asked him, “What are you thinking about?” He said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking.” And then I punched him in the kidneys.
• Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants has approximately one to forty-seven new posts per day. Check it out. I double dog dare you.
• Have you ever had your eyebrows ripped out with dental floss? Not to dissuade you, but I may have screamed NO KELLY CLARKSON!” at the mall.
• That you’re 50 years old and playing warcraft games at the mall does not make you a mama’s boy.
• That your mom drove you to the mall makes you a mama’s boy.
• Watching the Astros. Leading the Braves by 1 at the top of the 8th. Still time for them to screw it up. They’ve had alot of practice.
• Beauty Tip of the Day: Red Sharpie is a good quick fix for a pedicure touch up. Jelly donut? Not so much…
• You may be wondering what leftover corn looks like after spending 3 months in the fridge, but I”m here to tell you, you don’t want to know.
• The water bottle attached to a pet carrier is NOT called a gerbil licker. Do not google it. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.
• Don’t you hate it when your dog takes his own sweet time to do his bidness? Yet another reason to own a starter pistol.
• Twitter: The complete undoing of the katdish presidential campaign.
• Also, I just told Sherri that Helen was talking smack about her on twitter. Let’s see how long it takes that little smurf to get an account.
• That’s it! I’m done with @prodigaljohn. I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee!
• Now, where’s some dog poop?

Open letters to new followers, et. al.:

• Dear Oil Change Required Light, according to my KwikKar window cling, you, sir are a LIAR!
• Dear pedestrian in the grocery store parking lot. Again, sorry. My bad. In my defense you were blocking the path to Low Carb Monster Store.
• Dear New Follower: strangely enough, I have NOT ever dreamed of earning cash that gushes out like toothpaste. But thanks for asking.
• Dear New Followers: Thanks for the follow. Just to tell you, I’m not in the market to buy or sell a house.
• Dear New Followers: If I am not following you, it’s not because I’m ignoring you, I just have a lot of emails to go through…
• Actually, I am ignoring some of you. I don’t think the term “monkey butt” means the same thing to me as it does to you.
• Dear Mall Gangstas – you’re not so much scary as you are badly dressed.
• Welcome new followers! Forgive me for not following back, but I don’t even have those characters on my keyboard. What is that? Klingon?
• Dear people who follow me then have a “pending approval request to refollow” – You have until 5 pm central, then I wash my hands of you.
• @aplusk (Ashton Kuetcher) – seriously, dude. stop cyber stalking me. I’m almost old enough to be your moth…Oh wait. Nevermind.
• Dear New Followers: I’m not gonna lie – if you are also following Oprah, Hillary and chicks from The View, you’re going to be disappointed.
• Dear New Followers w/a first name followed by an inordinate number of consonants w/a particular affinity for x, y & z. What is UP with that?
• Goodnight Tweeps! And to all my new brown faced blue circle eyed followers: Good night freaks! (Get an avatar, okay?)

Retweet of the Week: A short story by Brian C. Russell aka B-man, Through Cracked Glass

Some of my more observant readers may have noticed that I removed my twitter updates from the sidebar of this blog. If you want to know my goings on via twitter, get an account and follow me. There’s no need to obsessively check my blog’s sidebar several times a day to see what I’m doing. (You know who you are…)

Seriously, I think twitter is tons of fun. I didn’t even list some of my favorite “conversations” via twitter. @PuriChristos tweeted in Klingon for like 4 tweets, which I was completely baffled by. I’m a freak, not a geek. We just run in the same circles. But he forgave me. Good thing I’m adorable. May 4 was Star Wars Day. There are quiet a few awkward Star Wars geeks on twitter, most of them are my friends. @CandySteele made an obscene amount of Chex Mix, but no ham sandwiches, @redclaydiaries wants a riding vacuum cleaner with a bulldozer attachment, @marni71 wants one of those contraptions from Cat in the Hat that Thing 1 and Thing 2 ride around on. @helenatrandom is a twitter whore and a grocery store ho. Good times. Now, why aren’t you following me? You know you want to…

I get pretty wrapped up in the world. There’s so many distractions – like the internet (ahem). Then I go over to my buddy Jason’s blog and watch this Francis Chan sermon about how it is easier to fit a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven; about how often that scripture has been explained away by one theory or another. But do you know what I think that scripture really means? I agree with Francis Chan’s interpretation: I think it means that it is easier to fit a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven! I don’t cling to money, but that doesn’t mean that there are not any number of things that get in the way of simply being in awe of God. Stupid, ridiculous, small things that, when compared to the Creator of the Universe, the God who knit me together in my mother’s womb, that knows the number of hairs on my head, are simply laughable. Seriously people. Go watch that video. If you can’t do it now, go back and watch it later.

Jeff made the following video when he was the Creative Arts pastor at our old church. I have included the lyrics, all of which aren’t on the video, but I think they speak volumes. What do you think?

The One Thing
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Revelation 3:14-22 14
“To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Speaking of stupid and ridiculous, Twitter update tomorrow!

This is a picture of my childhood friend, Karen and me at our 20th high school reunion. Do you want to know what I enjoyed about that night? That I was able to enjoy being there without being nervous about whether or not some wildly elaborate made up story about my life would hold up under scrutiny. I figured out a long time ago that I am a very square peg surrounded by round holes. Trying to fit into those holes simply wore me down and slowly chipped away at the person I was meant to be.

That is not to say that I am completely satisfied with every aspect of me. I am always striving to become the person God wants me to be. But God, not someone else’s ideal picture of what a 43 year old wife and mother of two is supposed to be.

That’s why I’m okay with being obnoxious. Some of you might be wondering if “katdish” is some sort of persona that has been created that allows me to say things that I might not otherwise have the guts to say as myself. Let me clear that up for you. This is me. Warts, monkey butts and all. Those of you who know me in real life can attest to this. Jon Acuff paid me a great left handed compliment at Catalyst One Day in Atlanta earlier this year. He said, “You’re not obnoxious, you’re just from Texas.” Thanks, Jon. I big red monkey butt heart you, too.

I’m not smart enough to keep up with more than one personality. Besides, I think doing that drains your soul and robs you of a valuable witness to the power of God’s grace – for the sinner and the saint. And for the record, you ain’t no saint! (Please, no theological arguments here, you know what I mean.)

Sometimes I say things that should probably have been left unsaid. But in the non-cyber world, I have my husband and friends who love me enough to tell me to shut up. In the blogosphere, I have a handful of good friends that will do the same. (You know who you are.)

I’m totally okay with someone not liking me. I think caring more about what people think and less about what God thinks is a horrible, wretched way to live. Now here’s a newsflash, if you don’t like me, there’s a pretty good chance I don’t like you either. But that’s okay. God calls us to love one another. He never said anything about like. Just as long as we’re not walking around with giant planks in our eyes, I’m cool with that.

This much I know is true. While I am a product of genetics and life experiences, the essence of me has remained much the same as it was when I was a silly, talkative, klutzy little girl who found herself in the spotlight more often for misbehaving than behaving. If you cannot fathom how that silly little girl might allow God to witness for Him, then you don’t get me. Which is okay. You don’t have to.

The following statement is intended for those who need to hear it. Clearly, some of you grasped this concept a long time ago. But I offer it anyway:

May I be so bold as to offer some advice? Stop trying so hard to keep up appearances. Accept that you are broken. Even if, like me, you have been smashed with a hammer. God’s light often shines brightest through the broken vessel. I for one, will love you for it.

God? He loves you, regardless. His love was poured out for you at Calvary. He doesn’t need you. But He desires your abiding love with all of His heart.

How cool is that?

1862: Mexican forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeat troops sent by Napoleon III in the Battle of Puebla.
1865: The 13th Amendment is ratified, abolishing slavery.
1917: Eugene Jacques Bullard becomes the first African-American aviator when he earns a flying certificate with the French Air Service.
1935: American Jesse Owens sets the long jump record.
1945: Holland and Denmark are liberated from Nazi control.
1961: Alan Shepard becomes the first American in space.

Some pretty cool things happened on May 5, and some fairly awesome people were born on this day, too. But I’m not going to mention any of them save one. Because compared to this one, for me, the rest sort of pale in comparison. I’m referring to my kick butt bloggity gal pal, Annie K.

There’s so many things I love about Annie. She’s one of the original Magnificent 7 and even coined the name. I suppose what I love about Annie the most has much to do with how our relationship came into being in the first place.

Someone left a rather snarky comment directed at Sherri, another one of the original 7, about linking their blogs in the comments section on Stuff Christians Like. Annie and I both ended up on Sherri’s blog because we wanted to support and defend her. In that way we are much alike – defenders of the underdog. Not that Sherri is an underdog. She was just being unfairly picked on. On a sidenote, I would just like to let you know that no one unfairly picks on Sherri anymore. Well, I do, and Steph, and Annie, Beth, Nick, Marni, Helen, Mare, Candy, Shark Bait, and…okay we all pick on her sometimes. It’s our love language.

Back to Annie. I suppose I could give you a run down of all things fabulous about her, but I’ll just suggest you go read through her blog. You’ll figure it out. But in a nutshell, I think I can sum up why I heart Annie with a brief snippet from a ridiculously long email extravaganza where many of us were hitting “reply” fast and furious. (And you thought we just left comments on each other’s blogs!) So, without further adieu, I give you Annie’s reply, “Just a freaking minute…”:

Here’s the deal..

Love,
annie k

Quiet, demure Annie. Oh, how I love her so!

Happy Birthday, my friend!

P. S. – She also has the cutest dog EVER, Boz. Hi Boz!

Buddy Love also says “Happy Birthday”. But as you know, he’s kind of lame:

I’m sitting at work, keys in hand, watching the clock. In nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds, I can go home and call it a day. Though what sort of day remains in question.

My life is no longer defined solely by job and spouse. Other things have been added to the mix over the years, things like children and blogs and columns, query letters and book proposals and deadlines. And as I was recently ambushed by a few college students who bound, gagged, and drug me into the modern world of Facebook, I now have something new to add to the list of What I Need To Keep Up With.

Keeps me busy, yes. But busy in a good way. Because I am doing what God wants me to do. God Work, I call it.

My job affords me the luxury of letting me roam about in relative freedom over fifty acres of a college campus and putting me in touch with a constant stream of people who are more than happy to share what’s going on in their lives. God has blessed me with three wonderful things: a loving family, the ability to hit a curveball, and a bartender’s ear. That middle one isn’t really relevant anymore, but the first and the last come in pretty handy. Writer’s block is something I’ve fought before, but rarely now. If I’m starving for something to write, I just stop what I’m doing and look around. Something or someone is bound to happen along.

Today that someone was katdish, who emailed me and said, “Hey, since you’re so lawesome and frigintastic, could you fill in on my blog occasionally so I can go live my life? Monkey sex pornographic cheese butler.”

Well, maybe she didn’t say that. I don’t remember.

But I do remember giving her an unqualified yes. Because katdish is pretty frigintastic herself.

Even more than that, though, was the fact that I saw this as more God Work. I want to write books, you see. And these days a publisher will pooh-pooh you away with a snorty guffaw if you don’t already have a pretty substantial audience. And since my own blog traffic is just a couple steps above sucktacular, I was looking for a way to attract more readers. To me, this was God saying Alrighty then, here you go. Don’t screw this one up.

The problem was that I had to sit down today and write something semi-coherent and quasi-brilliant. Which meant I didn’t have time to mess around with anyone. No talking, no visiting. I had more important things to take care of.

I had God Work to do.

So when the nice lady on the other side of campus began talking about what it was like cleaning out the closet of her recently deceased husband, I rushed through the conversation as politely as I could and said I’d pray for her.

And when one of the groundskeepers confessed that he was feeling terrible about a fight with his wife this morning over how much milk to put in his cereal, I said a quick it’ll-be-alright and left.

And when the phone rang and a friend began talking about his wife’s pregnancy, I said I’d call him back later.

Because I was busy.

Doing God Work.

Another quick glance at the clock. Four minutes and ten seconds to go.

My post is all typed up and ready to go. Mission accomplished. And it’s decent, if not good. I should feel great about getting all of that done. But I don’t. Not even a little.

Because I’ve just realized that I haven’t accomplished anything. Not the things that mattered, at least. Living a day isn’t simply a matter of crossing things off a To Do list. It’s more than that. I’ve bumbled my day by doing the thing I thought God wanted me to do rather than the things I knew He wanted me to do.

Those lofty ambitions we have, those dreams of things we believe will make us more suitable for God’s use than we are now, really don’t matter as much to Him as they do to us. Because while we’re busying ourselves by getting ready to do some good eventually, God’s tapping his foot because He knows we can do some good now. And it doesn’t have to be as moving as writing a bestseller or speaking to thousands. God’s more into little movements: bending an ear or lending a hand or lifting a burden.

That’s what He wanted me to do today. Pounding away on a keyboard wasn’t as important to Him as listening and helping and encouraging.

That’s God Work.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have to say, I think reading my blog has richly enhanced Mr. Coffey’s vocabulary. So I just wanted to say, “You’re welcome.”

For more writings by Billy Coffey check out his blog: What I Learned Today

Question: What is HLAC not seeing much lately?

I’m not one to complain. Okay, maybe I am, whatever. While I seem to be reaching a broader audience, I seem to have an inordinate increase in male readers and not so many female ones. I asked myself, “How can I maintain my current readers while attracting a more feminine audience?” (I didn’t say this out loud or anything. I’m not that crazy.)

One of the ideas I came up with was to change my blogger template to include flowers, butterflies and Care Bears riding atop flying unicorns over sparkly rainbows. This was a thumbs down because it might cause me to lose some guy readership, not to mention it would place my honorary man card in serious jeopardy.

Then I thought, “I know! I’ll ask Sherri the girly girl to guest post for me from time to time. But alas, this wouldn’t work, as she is spending less time blogging these days. No really, she is. She blogs about it all the time. You should check it out.

Then the idea came to me all at once when I didn’t feel like writing a blog post and wondering how many deviled eggs is “too many”. What if I asked Billy Coffey to guest post for me on a regular basis? Now you may be asking yourself, “How do you increase your female readership by asking a Virginia redneck, manly man to guest blog for you?” The answer is, go look at his comments section. Chock full o’ women! If Nicholas Cage had a blog where he wrote short stories, he would get the same kind of comments. No, wait…Sparks…Nicholas Sparks. The Notebook guy. Chicks dig that guy.

So, starting tomorrow, Mr. Coffey will be guest blogging for me on a semi-regular basis. And by “semi-regular”, I mean whenever he has the time to write a story that he won’t be posting on his own blog or writing for a publication.

How long will Billy guest blog for me? I’m not sure. Probably until some publisher comes to their senses and decides to give him a book deal. (Or when he gets a call back from “Dancing with the Stars” – whichever comes first.) Until then, I will simply be grateful that he’s agreed to write here at all. It will class the place up a bit without having to add any extraneous rainbows unicorns or butterflies.

Tune in tomorrow…

In the meantime, you can check out Billy’s blog: What I Learned Today

And Billy – Keep reaching for the stars!

I’m not one to believe in curses, with one exception. The mother’s curse of “I hope you have kids just like you someday.” That one works — in spades. I have yet to use it on my kids, but they’re not teenagers yet, so it’s only a matter of time.

But you know what? It’s not only a curse, it’s also a blessing. Because let’s face it, we’re not all bad. There are things about yourself that you probably really like, so having a little Mini Me running around isn’t all bad. Both my kids look like me, only cuter. Much cuter. They’re both a combination of personality traits from my husband and me. They have their own exclusive traits that God has given them, too.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to figure out how I got such a girly girl for a daughter. Now, as she’s getting older, I’m finding that she’s really not that girly. She likes girly clothes and all things Hannah Montana, but she’s also not afraid to get dirty and messy. She’s not a priss. If you’ve been reading awhile, you may remember the story about the pregnant, crazy turkey with diarrhea that she wrote about in school. That was the first indication of her sense of humor – much like mine.

Still, sometimes she takes me totally off guard. We went out to dinner the other night and as usual, she was chatting up a storm. (Still can’t quite figure out where that came from – but I digress.) Anyway, since this particular establishment does not provide kids menus with crayons for endless games of tic-tac-toe, she decided to play a word game with me:

“Mom. I want to play a game. I bet I can make you say brown.”

“Okay. Go for it.”

“What color is a tree trunk?”

“Sienna.”

“Mom, you don’t have to say something like brown, just any color.”

“Okay. Sienna.”

“What color is the wood on this table?”

“Purple.”

“What color is a wooden chair?”

“Red.”

“What color are the leaves on a tree?”

“Green.”

“Ah-ha! I made you say green!”

“You didn’t say anyhing about green, you said brown.”

“HA! I made you say brown!”

(That kid cracks me up. They both do, actually.)

If you have kids, how are they like you? Or how are you like your mom or dad?

If you’re not following me on Twitter, you’re missing out on some real teachable moments for you and your children (and possibly your dog – I seem to have a large dog following). If I am following you on Twitter, may I please suggest to you that there are a few things that I could happily live the rest of my life not knowing about you via twitter?:

– that you need to pee
– whether or not you washed your hands after you went pee
– that they put the wrong kind of pickles on your Chic fil A sandwich (Sorry, Erin – too good to pass up.)
– that you can tweet 74 bible verses in a row via twitter
– that your dog just peed on the floor (actually, that was rather amusing)
– that my dog is plotting against me
– that you got a really crappy parking spot at the mall
– that you cleaned your barn with a leaf blower
– that you’re back from Wal*Mart (unless you’re Steph. Then I’m all up in that.)
– that you are now following me and 20,000 of your closest friends via twitter*

*A notable exception to this rule is if you are @kickbuttcoffee and you tweet the following message: “We triple filter our water and then Chuck Norris grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.” (Because that’s pretty much awesome.)

And here’s some frigintastic advice you’ve been missing out on because you’re not following me on Twitter:

@brian_russell: Yar! I keep forgettin’ where I be s’posed ta click on this here Facebook fer Pirates!

@katdish: You know, @br8kthru used the twitter pirate function until I threatened to punch him in the kidneys.

@myapronstrings: I love how solicitors come to your door and when you say “Im not interested” they say “But I’m not selling anything” Oh. Really? My mistake.

@katdish: I used to have the same problem. Then I started keeping a battery operated chainsaw and a bottle of ketchup by the door.

@churchpunk: how in the crap do we lose a whole computer?

@katdish: One word: NINJAS.

And some random bits of wisdom:

I think Joe Biden was the inspiration for the main character of all those Naked Gun movies.

@marni71 – good point. did you know that the uterus is also a highly specialized homing device to find car keys and lost homework?

@marni71 -it should be by seniority – chidrens pastors pray for salad, youth pastor pray for coffee & tea service, senior for the meal.

@Brian_Russell – I have assembled a team of ninjas that have assured me it can be taken down, but yes – I believe there is.

@puriChristos – Can you ever REALLY get past the monkey butt? The genie is out of the bottle. It cannot be undone.

@nickcarnes – have you ever seen the warning label on the weight loss pill Ally? “May cause anal seepage”. Um, thanks. I’ll pass.

@mabeswife – I prefer barf, but yeah…

@erinbeekeeper – Oh, I’m not worried. Texas will never fall into the ocean. Why? Because Oklahoma sucks.

@purichristos – try not to say monkey butt in your meeting.

@whataboutbobdog – Say an extra prayer for your mom’s ungrateful heart, would ya?

@candysteele – Mike Rowe nekkid

@PuriChristos – Oh, excuse me, Mr. Monkey butt

@CandySteele, @redclaydiaries, @PuriChristos – Stop all this blaspheming! (Oh, wait – need to save that one for Sherri’s email.)

@purichristos – we really should have a dictionary for FOTTSP. Maybe use monkey butt as some sort of magic portal to definitions.

@CandySteele – Oh, you’re right! It’s raining pork and beans outside!

@weightwhat – It’s a virtual rainbow of monkey butts. Sort of like a skittles rainbow, only disgusting.

Dear Fed Gov: If you want people not to panic about the swine flu, stop holding round the clock news conf. telling people not to panic

FINALLY! Stupid news conference is over. Now I can watch Shepard Smith – who is dreamy…

If the only qualifications you need to be a press secretary is the ability to say um and I don’t know, I think I might apply.

@mabeswife – he’s not glittery, he’s sparkly! Stupid people!

And here’s three awesomatastic blog posts I tweeted this week:

A Bunch of Swingers (from Very Much Later)

A brief snippet from Jake’s post:

People aren’t great at balance, we have such a nasty tendency toward extremism. It’s just tons easier to be all or nothing, black or white. Less thought and effort goes into being extreme than being balanced. That’s where this whole back and forth motion of theology comes from. We just don’t like to think, and apparently don’t read the Bible enough to understand that balance, my friends, is a key to following Jesus and living life a little more like He’d have us do it.

This is why I pink fuzzy heart Helen: Security! Security!

And finally, a parenting blog post inspired by an inordinate number of monkey anatomy related tweets:
What not to call the Hoo-Ha

So, there you go. This is what you’ve been missing Prodigal Jon.