All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Watching Seinfeld

As promised from last week, here’s my updated version of Robert Fulghum’s “All I Really Needed to know I Learned in Kindergarten”, the Seinfeld edition:

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned from kindergarten or watching Seinfeld. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox or on late night reruns on TBS.

These are the things I learned:

From kindergarten:
Share everything.

From Kramer:
“Retail is for suckers.”

From kindergarten:
Play fair.

From Jerry:
“To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.”

From kindergarten:
Don’t hit people.

From Kramer:
“The camp ended a few days early….I punched Micky Mantle in the mouth.”

From kindergarten:
Put things back where you found them.

From Jerry:
“Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. “Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he’s dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he’s a penguin!”

From kindergarten:
Clean up your own mess.

From Frank:

From kindergarten:
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

From Kramer:
“Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?”

From kindergarten:
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.

From Jerry:
“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

From kindergarten:
Wash your hands before you eat.

From Jerry:
“When somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it. “

From kindergarten:

From Elaine:
“No, I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square.”

From kindergarten:
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

From Jerry:
“The black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?”

From kindergarten:
Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

From George:
“Just remember Jerry, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

From kindergarten:
Take a nap every afternoon.

From Jerry:
“Sleep is separate from That, and I don’t see how sleep got all tied up and connected with That.”

From kindergarten:
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

From Jerry:
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

From kindergarten:
Be aware of wonder.

From Elaine:
“I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about.”

From kindergarten:
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

From Newman:
“The mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up. It’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out, but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day!”

From kindergarten:
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup – they all die. So do we.

From Jerry:
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

From kindergarten:
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

From Jerry:
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

What valuable life lesson have you learned from Seinfeld?


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21 Responses to “All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Watching Seinfeld”

  1. Bridget Chumbley October 22, 2009 at 1:21 am #

    >This was such a fun & creative post!

    I love the death/public speaking quote from Jerry… It's classic!

  2. Bryan Allain October 22, 2009 at 6:16 am #

    >great post! and funny too because tomorrow on my blog I'm sharing my 5 favorite Seinfeld episodes.

    "A George divided against itself cannot stand!"

  3. Corinne October 22, 2009 at 6:21 am #

    >"I can't spare a square!"
    I haven't thought about Seinfeld in forever! Thanks 🙂 So good to start off the morning laughing.

  4. HisFireFly October 22, 2009 at 9:10 am #

    >I learned to have my order ready and begin speaking immediately when I reach the counter lest I anger the soup nazi and get banned from his store!

    We actually had a deli back home near Northwestern university that was operated in a similar fashion.

    Seriously – it helped teach me 2 Timothy 4:2 NIV "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

  5. Jewda October 22, 2009 at 9:41 am #

    >I was going to leave you a comment about how much this amused me, but…

    no comment for you; one year!

  6. Marni October 22, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    >From Seinfeld, I've learned:

    Pretzels make you thirsty

    Junior Mints are chocolate, peppermint, they're delicious!

    All bald people look good in hats

    Never open "the vault"

    Don't make people think you're hot and heavy if you're not hot and heavy.

    Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

    This was too fun! Yay Katdish!

  7. Helen October 22, 2009 at 11:23 am #

    >I, too, learned a lot from the soup nazi. Mainly that I should make my own soup…

  8. Tony C October 22, 2009 at 11:50 am #

    >A few favorite George-isms:

    "I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."

    "If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."

    "I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."

    Gotta love Seinfeld! Best show EVER!

  9. Melissa from the Blue House October 22, 2009 at 12:08 pm #

    >Never sell muffin stumps to the homeless.

  10. jasonS October 22, 2009 at 12:09 pm #

    >Ah, well, I was going to leave you a comment then yada, yada, yada I had other things to do. 🙂

    Nice post!

  11. Billy Coffey October 22, 2009 at 12:15 pm #

    >Robert Fulghum AND Seinfeld?! This is the best post you've ever done. Now do something with The Office in it. That would be huge! (TWSS)

  12. Jeanne Damoff October 22, 2009 at 12:49 pm #

    >This is awesome! Seinfeld + Katdish = fountains of delight. Even better than a tootsie pop in its unexpected chocolaty surprises. (TWSS)

    We have most of the Seinfeld seasons on DVD. Loved picturing these classic moments in my imagination as I read. Good job, KD.

  13. sherri October 22, 2009 at 1:48 pm #

    >We're HUGE Seinfeld fans.

    Loved the references. Jerry has left his mark on the modern world. Let's face it.

    *Did you know that one of my followers, SUZY, is an actress/comedienne and she was the lady who ate the last Babka on that particular episode?

  14. Heather Sunseri October 22, 2009 at 6:08 pm #

    >Thanks for the laugh! I came home to some really bad news tonight and needed the humor, so I headed straight for your blog.

  15. Chris Sullivan October 22, 2009 at 6:23 pm #

    >It has been so long since I've watched Seinfeld that I can't even come up with anything.

  16. vanityofvanities October 22, 2009 at 7:05 pm #

    >"When somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. "

    That's not always true. Because of the unique population of students I teach, there are some hygiene issues. There's one student in particular I'm thinking of… I frequently Lysol the room after he leaves because the odor lingers and lingers. (We're working on the concept of bathing and changing clothes every day.)

  17. nAncY October 22, 2009 at 8:27 pm #

    >i didn't go to kindergarten…

  18. nAncY October 22, 2009 at 8:28 pm #

    >kindergarten is for sissys

  19. Candace Jean July 16 October 22, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    >I have become the soup nazi.

    My favorite:
    "When do you start to worry about ear hair?"
    "When you hear like a soft rustling."

  20. JJ (Lady Di) October 26, 2009 at 4:56 pm #

    >The two we use the most in our Family:

    Kramer: "You can't do that! That's a load bearing wall!"

    Jerry after spending a night in Kramer's apartment and is acting like Kramer: "Oh, I'm stressed!"

  21. lastrow October 27, 2009 at 1:39 pm #

    >What are the odds we'd both have a post with a pic of the soup nazi?

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