All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Watching Seinfeld

As promised from last week, here’s my updated version of Robert Fulghum’s “All I Really Needed to know I Learned in Kindergarten”, the Seinfeld edition:

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned from kindergarten or watching Seinfeld. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox or on late night reruns on TBS.

These are the things I learned:

From kindergarten:
Share everything.

From Kramer:
“Retail is for suckers.”

From kindergarten:
Play fair.

From Jerry:
“To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.”

From kindergarten:
Don’t hit people.

From Kramer:
“The camp ended a few days early….I punched Micky Mantle in the mouth.”

From kindergarten:
Put things back where you found them.

From Jerry:
“Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. “Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he’s dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he’s a penguin!”

From kindergarten:
Clean up your own mess.

From Frank:
SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!

From kindergarten:
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

From Kramer:
“Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?”

From kindergarten:
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.

From Jerry:
“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

From kindergarten:
Wash your hands before you eat.

From Jerry:
“When somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it. “

From kindergarten:
Flush.

From Elaine:
“No, I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square.”

From kindergarten:
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

From Jerry:
“The black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?”

From kindergarten:
Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

From George:
“Just remember Jerry, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

From kindergarten:
Take a nap every afternoon.

From Jerry:
“Sleep is separate from That, and I don’t see how sleep got all tied up and connected with That.”

From kindergarten:
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

From Jerry:
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

From kindergarten:
Be aware of wonder.

From Elaine:
“I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about.”

From kindergarten:
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

From Newman:
“The mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up. It’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out, but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day!”

From kindergarten:
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup – they all die. So do we.

From Jerry:
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

From kindergarten:
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

From Jerry:
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

What valuable life lesson have you learned from Seinfeld?

ADIOS MUCHACHOS!