Shortly after I posted Part Three of this riveting series, I received a mysterious phone call from a someone who would only identify himself as a former co-worker of PCB. I began to pepper him with questions, but he cut me off. He told me he suspected his phone was being tapped and that we would need to meet in person. After assurances were made that his identity would be concealed, a secret meeting was set up. The following is a transcript of said interview:
katdish: Thank you for meeting with me Mr. Brim…
YT: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING MY REAL NAME? Yellowtail. Just call me Yellowtail.
katdish: Sorry, Yellowtail. It won’t happen again. You mentioned in our brief phone conversation that you might have information as to the whereabouts of the Pornographic Cheese Butler (PCB).
YT: Yes. Never cared for that guy, but not even a freak like him deserves that kind of treatment.
katdish: What kind of treatment?
YT: Now, hold on. Let’s back up a bit. Back to when this all started. You know, when you and your picture snapping, blog writing self got your beloved PCB fired.
katdish: Oh, come on! You can’t be serious! No one even READ my blog back then. How could that post possibly have gotten him fired?
YT: That post had 49 comments! How can you say no one read your blog back then?
katdish: True…but most of those comments were Helen’s ideas for butt tattoos.
YT: Butt tattoos? What kind of sick freaks read your blog?
katdish: All kinds, really. But enough about my imaginary friends. What happened to PCB?
YT: Word on the street was that some local big wig with the Southern Baptist Convention got wind of your nekkid butler friend and demanded that he be taken out of the store. You might want to talk to your friend Mary about that.
katdish: Mary?….Oh, you mean Marni?
katdish: Marni would never turn PCB in to the SBC. Besides, she’s not even that kind of Baptist. She’s like a renegade Baptist. But we’re getting off topic again. Where did he go from there?
YT: Well, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but there’s a dark side to the glamorous life of a wine and cheese display butler. We’re all promised prominent displays at fancy places, but there are only so many gigs to go around. PCB’s conniving twin brother Horace made some back room deals and landed a choice gig in Walla Walla wine country, but once you’re relegated to the grocery store circuit, your days are numbered. Especially when you’re in the habit of showing your bare @$$ for the world to see. Once you’re asked to leave a grocery store, there’s really one place to go.
katdish: AND??? Where is this place? Come on Yellowtail, I’m dangerously close to exceeding my word count here.
YT: There’s this organization. Strictly off the books, if you know what I mean. When a butler is “retired”, he’s sent to a warehouse. And these warehouses? They’re like the roach motel. Once you go in, you never come out. Capeesh?
katdish: Oh, that’s horrible! Poor PCB! These warehouses? Is there one located in the Houston area? Is that where they’re keeping PCB?
YT: Look…I could get in a lot of trouble for even meeting with you. If I tell you where this place is…
katdish: Yeah, yeah…mum’s the word! Come on Brim…er, Yellowtail! You gotta tell me where he is!
(The remainder of this interview cannot be published, but if what YT told me is true, this blogger plans to report back here on Thursday with irrefutable photographic evidence that PCB and many more unfortunate wooden butlers are being held against their will in a warehouse close to the Port of Houston. (Cue the Mission Impossible theme music.)
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