It’s book review Wednesday! (Repost)

(Okay, I know I told y’all last week that I was resuming guest bloggers every Wednesday LAST week, and I am…just not this week. My fault–got my schedule mixed up and whatnot. Anyhoo, this was originally published in 2008, so probably only a few of you will remember it anyway. To say my taste in books is eclectic would be a bit of an understatement. I recently finished reading Under the Dome by Stephen King and am currently reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Don’t be too impressed, I also read stuff like this):

When I say, “It’s Book Review Wednesday!”, what I mean to say is that I am reviewing a book, and it happens to be Wednesday. As a very profound person once said, “The creative spirit cannot be enslaved by the oppressive chains of reason and logical thinking.” (Who said that? Oh, yeah…it was me.) And by “review”, what I mean to say is that I highly recommend this book, because it’s flippin’ hilarious. (End of review.)

I will now share with you a brief passage which I hope that you will appreciate as much as I have. More so now than when I first read the book, considering that I have recently had some of the very same thoughts and conversations that Ms. Rivenbark writes about.

The princess had just graduated to a size 7 when everything went to sh*t. We headed for our favorite department store, ready to take that leap into the new world of 7-16. Bye-bye, 4-6X, I thought to myself with a tug of sadness. My baby was growing up.

And apparently into a prostitute.

“Where are the sevens?” I asked the sixty-something clerk who wore here glasses on a chain just like me.

“You’re standing in ’em,” she said.

Oh, no, I thought, looking around. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. “There must be some mistake,” I said. “These are, well, slutty-looking. I’m talking about clothes for a little girl in the first grade.”

“That’s all we got.”

“But these look like things a hooker would wear!”
She smiled sadly. “You have no idea how many times I hear that every day.”

Okay, breathe. This is just some weird marketing experiment. Right?

I went to my second-favorite department store and was invited to peruse the awfulness that is Tweenland! A better name would have been Lil Skanks!

Sequins, fringe, neon glitter tank tops with big red lips on them, fishnet sleeves, scary dragon faces lunging from off-the-shoulder T-shirts. Whither the adorable seersucker? The pastel floral short sets? The soft cotton dresses in little-girl colors like lavender, pale pink, periwinkle blue? This stuff practically screamed SYRINGE SOLD SEPARATELY!

I get it. Now that my kid is practically of childbearing age (is six the new seventeen?) I must choose from ripped-on-purpose jeans and T-shirts that scream things like BABY DOLL and JAIL BAIT, not to mention a rather angry GIRLS RULE AND BOYS DROOL! where an embroidered flower with buzzing bee should be.

When did this happen? Who decided that my six-year-old should dress like a Vegas show girl? And one with an abundance of anger issues at that?

And why are parents buying this junk fashioned from cheesy fabrics that surely leave your dryer’s lint filter full of glitter and fuzzy sequined balls?

I hope you won’t take this the wrong way–you, the mom on the cell phone flipping your check card to your kid so she can buy the jeans that say SPANK ME on them –buy you’re going down, b*tch.

No, really. I’m taking you out, putting you on notice, slapping some sense into your sorry ass.

(Okay, guest blogger next week. For reals…)

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4 Responses to “It’s book review Wednesday! (Repost)”

  1. Cassandra Frear December 1, 2010 at 5:54 am #

    Tolstoy? Aha! I knew we were kindred spirits somehow — in spite of how different we are!

    Tolstoy is one of my favorite writers. Anna Karenina is a great book, but one that always disturbs me. My husband and I read War and Peace together two years ago. It’s wonderful. I was amazed at how accessible it is, how it pulls you in, how attached you become to the characters. I was sad (yes, sad) when I reached the end of the book. I didn’t want the story to be over, and I knew I was going to miss the people in it.

    I still do.

  2. Laura Benedict December 1, 2010 at 9:44 am #

    I cried like a baby when my daughter got too old for Gymboree. Fortunately, I discovered that Lands’ End and L.L. Bean carried kids’ clothes. She hated me for it and says she was dressed like a dork until her freshman year. Win!

  3. jasonS December 1, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    This book sounds like it was written just for you, Kat (or maybe BY you–is that your pen name perhaps?). Great.

  4. Marni December 2, 2010 at 3:43 pm #

    My oldest was about 6 when the Spice Girls hit their 15 minutes of fame. Thanks to their “fashionable influence”, for months, all the shoes sold at that time had HIGH HEELS. God bless Land’s End for their flat shoes so she didn’t have corns and a sprained ankle as a first grader.

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