From hair to eternity: the summer Sky Mall post (repost)

I’m up to my eyeballs in rhinos. No, not real ones. Seems as though I’ve inadvertently volunteered to paint a canvas for my daughter’s class to be auctioned off to raise money for the PTA. (Wow–that sentence was chock full of prepositional phrases, huh?) It’s due Friday. (Actually, it was due Monday, but I’m a temperamental artist so they’re just gonna have to deal with it.) I’ve copied the kids’ artwork and still need to finish painting. No time to write something brilliant and life changing, so here’s some leftovers for y’all. Sorry/you’re welcome:

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and random ridiculousness…

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeeeaaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!


I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90


“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00


“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…

Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…

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9 Responses to “From hair to eternity: the summer Sky Mall post (repost)”

  1. jake April 6, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    The pool thing would cause me to drown. Not even kidding, and the last thing…….. I’m speechless. I asked my roommate to imagine walking into a friend’s house and seeing that. We both about died.
    oh my….

  2. karenzach April 6, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    This column needs to come with a R-rating for the bronco. Jez saying…

  3. Simply Darlene April 7, 2011 at 12:50 am #

    This is too much for late night reading, miss Kathy.

    What is that yellow tube hooked to? Okay, and just how are his shorts staying on? I’m thinking duct tape. After a couple swims and removals of said $84.90 gizmo, that guy is going to need one of those hair replacement kits.

    And that last item… now I am not sure what that gal’s been smoking but she is sitting backward. Hello sister, that is an insult to bareback bronc riders everywhere.

    http://www.101wildwestrodeo.com/info/bareback.htm

    http://www.bigshotrodeo.com/saddle.html

    Kathy, I don’t take credit cards, just cash. I have several witnesses who can testify to my supernatural leg strength and extreme agility atop a mechanical bull. Course I was wearing my hat (and shirt and boots and jeans). I did that stunt after my husband played grab-the-ribbon-off-a-bull with some other testosterone-laden cowboys. Indeed we are a rowdy bunch around here.

    I’ve nearly peed my pants reading jake’s comments. I reckon in the morning it all won’t seem as funny. Then again, it may seem more so. Say, what to rhinos have to do with Texas?

  4. Kirsten April 7, 2011 at 5:37 am #

    you had me at ‘Rhino’. Well no, but the line just had to be typed. (I too have been sucked into the Class Project Production role, as the token Temperamental Artist.)

    So I’m pretty amused, reading along, and then I get to the Giddyup! Core Exerciser and by myself, at 6.45 in the morning I am snorting out loud in my kitchen. That? Is just plain funny. I may be laughing about this to myself all day long.

  5. Helen April 7, 2011 at 7:50 am #

    Giddy up!

  6. jasonS April 7, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Some leftovers are just fine warmed up.

    And sorry, seeing that “core trainer” reminded me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie walks in to see a bowflex-type weight system and asked, “Is that a sex machine?”

  7. Eric April 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    “Giddyup Core Exerciser”

    Nothing needs to be said. Nothing.

  8. seekingpastor April 7, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    Wow..just…Wow.

  9. Deb. April 10, 2011 at 2:32 am #

    I’m wetting my pants with laughter!! I’m not sure how I randomly found your blog, but I will be coming back!!

    I had to comment on the AquaVee . . . I live in the middle of nowhere . . . on a compound (okay, that sounds creepy weird . . . let me rephrase . . . I live on a hospital compound at the edge of the Sahara) and we have a pool. It’s more like one of those inflatable backyard kiddie pools on crack, but it’s a pool all the same. Our pharmacist didn’t want to give up swimming laps when she came, so she brought something similar to what you’ve got posted here. Main difference: instead of suction cups and silicone, it’s got extra large blood pressure cuffs and slinkies.

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