katdishionary, Part 12 (The Florida edition)

Oh, it’s been too long since my last katdishionary post. From the blog that brought you such words as Pornographic Cheese Buttler, Skymalladocious, Fatassatosis, the Jesus Frying Pan and many, many more, katdish.net is pleased to present Part 12 of this neverending fountain of blog fodder: katdishionary, Part 12, the Florida Edition:

For those of you who haven’t been here in awhile, first of all, shame on you.

Secondly, you may not be aware that I recently spent the better part of a week in the land of Micky Mouse and all things touristy, Orlando, Florida.

The purpose of said trip was to attend Exponential: the largest gathering of church planters in the Universe. (It’s not billed as such, but I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and assume there aren’t some alien life forms gathering to talk about Jesus at some huge interplanetary mega church. Even though that would be pretty cool.) Anyway, I ranted incessantly about it a little last week, meant to share a little more with you, but then the non-virtual world was calling me, so I’m just now getting around to sharing some new and exciting katdishionary words with you now–I know. You’re welcome.

Now on with the katdishionary:

Orlandosinusitus (pronounced Or-lan-doe-sign-u-site-us)

The view from our condo, overlooking the beautiful "Wet n' Wild" theme park. If you squint and look just left of center, you can see Hogwarts, which we didn't go to because last time we came to this conference, we went to Disneyworld without the kids and they're still pissed about it.

Definition: a condition of alternating runny nose to completely stopped up nose caused by the city of Orlando, Florida.

Origin: Trip to a church planter’s conference in late April. I had allergy attacks the entire trip. I’m either allergic to tourism, Florida, church planters, or some combination of all of the above. This debilitating condition forced me to go to bed each night with a Breathe-Right nasal strip adhered to the bridge of my nose and Kleenex stuffed in my nostrils. (Also? I’m bringing sexy back!)

The Mo-fauxhawk (pronounced ma-fo-hawk)

This is the closest version of what I would truly define as an actual Mofauxhawk. See further description below.

Definition: Edgier version of the fauxhawk, where there is what appears to be an actual mohawk centered on the top of the head

surrounded by the classic fauxhawk on either side.

Imagine if you will a well manicured box hedge lined on either side with monkey grass. Now put that atop someone’s head and you have the Mo-fauxhawk.

Incidentally, it looks nothing at all like this:

Origin: People watching at the Exponential Conference.

A Scarf too Far, or AS2F (pronounced a-skarf-too-far)

The following are all elements of the Christian hipster look:

The Christian/tribal tatt

The free-for-all facial hair look

The lacoste porkpie hat

The Spongebob Squarepants glasses

Skinny jeans

The ugly shoe with a heart of gold: Toms

The Ricky Lee Jones throwback beanie

The nerdy/environmentally correct tee

The peacoat with deep front pockets to plunge your hands into while walking purposefully.

and, of course…

The ginormous scarf

This is only a partial list. Feel free to include body piercings, those big hockey puck earrings, the man-purse (murse) or something else I’ve forgotten. They can be mixed and matched (or mismatched as the case may be), but an attempt to incorporate too many into one outfit will result in what I like to call A Scarf Too Far (AS2F) and turn them into the very thing they fear the most: a walking cliche’.

Origin: People watching at Exponential.

The Chewpacca (pronounced chew-pa-ka)

Chewpacca

Definition: A large, inexpensive duffle bag on wheels which can be purchased at the Super Target on the way to the Orlando airport when you’ve exceeded the 50 pound weight limit on your luggage and don’t want to pay the extra 50 bucks they charge you for going SEVEN POUNDS OVER.

Wheels designed for maximum noise creation.

The wheels are designed in such a way as to make the loudest noise possible when pulled across an airport parking lot, and when pulled across the moving walkway once inside the airport, to my delight and everyone else’s annoyance, they sound almost exactly like this:

(You should play that video two or three times. It is THAT delightful!)

Origin: Jeff Hogan. Who, after walking behind me and my new duffle bag named him Chewbacca.

This concludes the latest edition of the katdishionary. Please remember that many of the words contained therein have come from alert readers (including the term “katdishionary”), so keep those cards and letters coming!

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6 Responses to “katdishionary, Part 12 (The Florida edition)”

  1. jake May 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    In Idaho, we call the AS2F a neck blossom. I tried it once, and we’ll just say, I’m not that kind of Christian. πŸ™‚ I can’t imagine why anybody would need one of them in Florida, unless they were trying to show the rest of church-planting Christianity how awesome they think they are. πŸ™‚ And a beard like that in that humidity, would be TORTURE. Or so I’m assuming, my facial hair is patchy and thin enough to keep my face at a comfortable temperature, even when I haven’t shaved for a week.

    • katdish May 6, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

      Yeah. It was like 85 and humid, and the neck blossoms were in full bloom.

  2. Megan Willome May 7, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    I am obviously too old to be church-planting (or even going to Florida). You keep up those Breathe-Rights, honey. Sexy is as sexy does!

  3. Jason May 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

    I love these posts. πŸ™‚

    My vocabulary expands so much. πŸ™‚

  4. floyd May 7, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    I’m honestly nauseas from the skinny jeans… And yeah, I agree, shame on me… I got hornswaggled into going back into coaching lacrosse… It’s grueling… And it’s like another full time job with even worse pay.

    My heart is lifted, great post…

  5. Claire May 8, 2012 at 7:05 am #

    I can’t imagine why anybody would need one of them in Florida, unless they were trying to show the rest of church-planting Christianity how awesome they think they are.

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