The 10 commandments of grocery shopping

You know that part in Ghostbusters where they're told to choose their destructor? If it were me, it wouldn't be the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man, it would be this guy: The HEB Buddy. (Thanks to Dorothea for creating this terrifying image.)

My disdain for grocery shopping has been public knowledge since way back in March, 2009 when I shared with all of you that I DO NOT heart grocery shopping. I further shared my angst in my Pullitzer Prize* winning investigative follow-up, Say it ain’t so Kro! Say it ain’t so!, as well as numerous follow up reports concerning the whereabouts of the beloved Pornographic Cheese Butler. (I think he needs his own page, don’t you? But I digress…)

*Editor’s Note: The Pullitzer Prize is not in any way associated with the better known Pulitzer Prize.

Yes, I know what you’re probably thinking: “Katdish, we KNOW you hate everything remotely related to grocery shopping. Shut up already.”

And to you I say, NO.

You’re not the boss of me.

Because just as I believe that God puts that person in your path over and over again that annoys the crap out of you in order to teach you valuable life lessons, I believe He blessed me with a teen aged son that eats his body weight in groceries every 2 days in order to face my nemesis, the grocery store.

He maketh me face my nemesis so that I might pass important lessons on to others. So that others, after reading this, might choose not to act like giant, self-consumed ass hats at their local market.

Katdish = giver

You’re welcome.

The 10 Commandments of Grocery Shopping

  1. Thou shalt not buy and hoard 28 bottles of body wash just because your combined coupons and other discounts render them free. Thou shall leave enough body wash on the shelf so that normal people who want to smell nice can purchase it as well.
  2. Thou shalt not knowingly hide coupons for items you did not purchase in your giant stack of coupons when giving them to the cashier who is already annoyed with you. (Along with all the people behind you who don’t have 3 carts full of groceries, one of which is devoted completely to body wash.)
  3. If thou shall bring reusable cloth grocery bags with you, thou shalt not cast a disparaging, judgemental eye on those of us who still choose to keep the plastic bag industry in business. We’ll bring them all back eventually.

    Probably a tad past eventually.

  4. Thou shalt not leave the discarded cups, napkins and sporks from your numerous free samplings in your grocery cart. Thou shall find a garbage can and deposit your trash there. Were thou raised in a barn?
  5. Thou shalt not enter the 15 Items or less aisle with 37 items and coupons.
  6. Thou shalt not decide against the half gallon of ice cream you picked up in the frozen foods section and then place it on the shelf next to the cat food.
  7. Thou shalt not chat aimlessly on your cell phone whilst the cashier is ringing up your groceries. Thou shall treat said cashier as a human being worthy of your attention.
  8. Thou shalt not walk down the center aisle of the parking lot as if your super-human pedestrian powers override and trump people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Thou shall move to one side or another.
  9. Thou shalt not park in the handicapped space because you only need to pick up “a few things”.
  10. Thou shalt not leave your shopping cart in the empty parking space next to your car. Thou shall walk the 10 feet or less to the nearest shopping cart corral and park it there.

I believe that no matter how upstanding and good a person appears to be when they think others are watching, the true test of our character happens when we think no one is watching: in our homes, in our cars and in the grocery store. But despite our efforts to appear better than we are, God is always watching us, and from now on, if you’re in the same grocery store as me, I’m watching you, too. Not so quietly judging you.

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14 Responses to “The 10 commandments of grocery shopping”

  1. Betty Draper June 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Hop over here from Floyd and so glad I did…you are funny. I love and hate at the same time the limitless choices in the grocrey stores. Sept 2011 we came home for good after 7 years in Papua New Guinea…where the choice of toothpaste is maybe two. Shopping was so simple there, not a lot of choices. Honestly it is still a little over whelming to shop for anything. Great funny post, will send to a friend who will enjoy it. Blessings

  2. Ricky Anderson June 21, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

    I’m on your team.

  3. Jim H June 21, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    Yes and Amen! As a matter of fact, Forsooth, Verily! and if I might add a postscript, “Thou knowest ye must pay for yon groceries, thus thou should’st begin writing thy check or digging in thy pocketbook in advance of being given thy total”

  4. Candy June 21, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    That kind of behavior just isn’t biblical. Pretty sure the disciples weren’t a coupon club hoarding loaves and fishes.

    Can we add an 11th? The woman who lets her kids play bumper cars with the carts and the kid blindsides you with a whack to the Achilles tendon?

  5. James Williams June 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    It’s funny ’cause it’s true!

  6. Jon.Wagner June 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    6 was hilarious. That’d be really messed up. 7 I agree with but this should also go for the cashier. The ones that chat across to the other cashiers and ignore your existence against what they’re explicitly trained not to do.

  7. jake June 21, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

    1-“And to you I say, NO.”

    2-“Ass hats”

    3- Katdish=Giver

    I can always count on you to make me laugh. You’re consistently hilarious and I’m stealing ass hats. I detest grocery shopping as well. I think it’s one of the worst things ever, but for me, the idiots (pronounced wun-der-full pee-pole) make it tolerable. I have someone to judge and then feel bad for all within a single moment, so my mind is occupied as I hunt for greek yogurt, cereal and peanut butter.

  8. Jeff June 22, 2012 at 9:04 am #

    All excellent points. My poor mom has had to be put in my shirt pocket so many times while I cashed out, because I will not talk on the phone while the cashier is checking me out. I only ever pulled my phone back out one time, but it was only to tell my mom, “It’s okay. She’s not even looking at me. She’s too busy talking to the cashier at the next lane. So if she doesn’t respect the customer enough to stop her conversation, I guess I’ll keep talking to you.”

    The rest of my checkout experience proceeded in awkward silence and glances.

  9. SimplyDarlene June 22, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    11. Thou shalt not let anyone under the age of 30 push a grocery cart in the store — I have scars on my ankle backs from wayward children ramming carts into my backside. (Okay, one wound was inflicted by my own son, but he’s cute, so I let it slide.)

  10. floyd June 22, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    “In our homes, in our cars, and in the grocery store.” Yep, I agree. It doesn’t matter what mask a person wears, their actions define them… Even if it is in the car driving slowly behind the moron who is pushing their cart oblivious to the rest of the world, dangerously close to bumping them in their backyard region…

  11. Lynn Mosher June 23, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    LOL Such great commandments and I totally agree! Loved this! Blessings for your next grocery trip!

  12. Lori June 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    This should be posted “and followed” to the letter. I automatically assume everyone knows these basic rules but every time I go to the store my suspicions are confirmed, they don’t! Love this post…Lori

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