The 10 commandments of grocery shopping

You know that part in Ghostbusters where they're told to choose their destructor? If it were me, it wouldn't be the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man, it would be this guy: The HEB Buddy. (Thanks to Dorothea for creating this terrifying image.)

My disdain for grocery shopping has been public knowledge since way back in March, 2009 when I shared with all of you that I DO NOT heart grocery shopping. I further shared my angst in my Pullitzer Prize* winning investigative follow-up, Say it ain’t so Kro! Say it ain’t so!, as well as numerous follow up reports concerning the whereabouts of the beloved Pornographic Cheese Butler. (I think he needs his own page, don’t you? But I digress…)

*Editor’s Note: The Pullitzer Prize is not in any way associated with the better known Pulitzer Prize.

Yes, I know what you’re probably thinking: “Katdish, we KNOW you hate everything remotely related to grocery shopping. Shut up already.”

And to you I say, NO.

You’re not the boss of me.

Because just as I believe that God puts that person in your path over and over again that annoys the crap out of you in order to teach you valuable life lessons, I believe He blessed me with a teen aged son that eats his body weight in groceries every 2 days in order to face my nemesis, the grocery store.

He maketh me face my nemesis so that I might pass important lessons on to others. So that others, after reading this, might choose not to act like giant, self-consumed ass hats at their local market.

Katdish = giver

You’re welcome.

The 10 Commandments of Grocery Shopping

  1. Thou shalt not buy and hoard 28 bottles of body wash just because your combined coupons and other discounts render them free. Thou shall leave enough body wash on the shelf so that normal people who want to smell nice can purchase it as well.
  2. Thou shalt not knowingly hide coupons for items you did not purchase in your giant stack of coupons when giving them to the cashier who is already annoyed with you. (Along with all the people behind you who don’t have 3 carts full of groceries, one of which is devoted completely to body wash.)
  3. If thou shall bring reusable cloth grocery bags with you, thou shalt not cast a disparaging, judgemental eye on those of us who still choose to keep the plastic bag industry in business. We’ll bring them all back eventually.

    Probably a tad past eventually.

  4. Thou shalt not leave the discarded cups, napkins and sporks from your numerous free samplings in your grocery cart. Thou shall find a garbage can and deposit your trash there. Were thou raised in a barn?
  5. Thou shalt not enter the 15 Items or less aisle with 37 items and coupons.
  6. Thou shalt not decide against the half gallon of ice cream you picked up in the frozen foods section and then place it on the shelf next to the cat food.
  7. Thou shalt not chat aimlessly on your cell phone whilst the cashier is ringing up your groceries. Thou shall treat said cashier as a human being worthy of your attention.
  8. Thou shalt not walk down the center aisle of the parking lot as if your super-human pedestrian powers override and trump people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Thou shall move to one side or another.
  9. Thou shalt not park in the handicapped space because you only need to pick up “a few things”.
  10. Thou shalt not leave your shopping cart in the empty parking space next to your car. Thou shall walk the 10 feet or less to the nearest shopping cart corral and park it there.

I believe that no matter how upstanding and good a person appears to be when they think others are watching, the true test of our character happens when we think no one is watching: in our homes, in our cars and in the grocery store. But despite our efforts to appear better than we are, God is always watching us, and from now on, if you’re in the same grocery store as me, I’m watching you, too. Not so quietly judging you.

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