It’s beginning to look a lot like Skymall

Way back in December of 2008, I stumbled across what I now consider to be the best source of never-ending blog fodder gold (besides my inclination to rant incessantly): the Sky Mall catalog. Looking back upon four years of sky mall posts, it occurs to me that I’ve spent a great deal of time making fun of all the ridiculously overpriced items available through this inflight magazine, which honestly, is a little unfair. Not everything in the Sky Mall catalog is ridiculously overpriced, some items are just plain ridiculous.

With this in mind, I bring you this year’s edition of katdish’s Sky Mall holiday gift guide (you’re welcome):

For the Connoisseur:
Marley Coffee, 8 oz $29.99

“Bob Marley always said he would return to farming one day. Bob’s son Rohan fulfills that dream.”

Oh, okay. I have no beef with buying this coffee. According to Sky Mall, it’s “sustainably grown, ethically farmed and artisan roasted.” (Whatever that means.) Plus, a portion of every sale supports a worthy children’s charity. I’m just of the opinion that if Bob Marley had lived, he’d be growing something else besides coffee. Something now legally available in Oregon and Colorado.

For the Adventurer:
Solowheel $1799.99

“We’ve reinvented the wheel! The Solowheel is the world’s first single wheel, battery operated, self-maneuvering vehicle.”

What could possibly go wrong? Well, according to Autoweek’s Mark Vaughn, who reviewed the Solowheel, “The problem is when the Solowheel gets up to speed, it slows you down by leaning the wheel backwards. If you’re not ready for this, you can be pitched forward at top speed–about ten miles per hour.” I give this thing 6 months before we start seeing montages of cringe-worthy face plant videos starring Solowheels and drunken college students.

The Solowheel: Personal injury attorney not included.

For the fashion challenged:

One of a Kind Shirts for One of a Kind Men, $69.99

“A One of a Kind Shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you’re a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. 100% cotton, made from 10 different fabrics.”

Why wear ten ugly shirts ten days in a row when you can save time and wear them all at once?

For absolutely no one. Seriously, don’t buy this:
Stainless Steel Bracelet, $19.95

Do you know someone who is going through a difficult time? Facing what seems like insurmountable odds? What do you say to them? “I’ll pray for you”, is always a good line, but then you should probably actually pray for them. “I’m here for you if you need me”, is another good one, but they might take you up on that insincere offer.

Maybe you just want to acknowledge that you’re aware of their situation without having to personally invest in them. If that’s the case, there’s no more flippant, insincere cliche’ than “It is what it is”. And now thanks to the Sky Mall, you don’t even have to speak to them. Just give them a $20 bracelet and be done with them completely.

Incidentally, if you’re thinking of giving ME this bracelet for Christmas, fair warning. I may have to punch you in the face. And speaking of things that inspire acts of gratuitous violence in me…

For the desperate dreamer:
The Best Advice Ever by Ari Neptunia, $12.99

Self-help books rank fairly high on that list. Don’t get me wrong, I know the authors mean well, I just don’t think their succient, step-by-step advice is very effective because learning from other people’s mistakes is almost never as effective as learning from our own. But wait! The Best Advice Ever, which claims “Mistakes are the most destructive force in our lives” promises to “turn on the power of success, money and happiness with ZERO mistakes…supplies you with sharp advice on how to avoid mistakes in order to become successful, happy, wealthy and healthy.”

Wow. Really? I wonder if the deluxe edition comes hand delivered to you by a leprechaun riding on a unicorn.

The latest edition of the Sky Mall catalog is literally jam packed with delightful products to waste your money on, and I would strongly encourage to visit their website (which I won’t link here, but I’m sure you can Google it). I could review many more items, but I’ll leave you with my personal favorite.

For the casual believer:
The Hanukkah Tree Topper, $19.99

Sweet Fancy Moses.

*Kwannza and Ramadan ornaments sold separately.

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11 Responses to “It’s beginning to look a lot like Skymall”

  1. Glynn December 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

    I have missed this posts! I flew to Texas last month and there it was — right it front of me — the SkyMall catalogue! As I thumbed through it, I realized it just wasn’t the same without Katdish.

  2. Alise December 4, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    I’m pretty sure that the dude modeling the ugly shirt is a close relative of Mark Driscoll. Or Mark Driscoll.

  3. James Williams December 4, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    I love the Driscoll shirt. Please buy me one.

    As for Skymall, read today’s Sally Forth. Coincidence?

    http://www.seattlepi.com/comics-and-games/fun/Sally_Forth/2012-12-04/

  4. Cathy December 4, 2012 at 9:04 am #

    Love it. I was left wanting even more items.

    Well, and less Mark Driscoll. Ugh.

  5. Maureen December 4, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    That last item needs no words.

    You have me laughing again.

  6. SimplyDarlene December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    Alrighty then, how’s about you make a combo gift?

    Get hopped up on caffeine,

    hoist yourself on a 1-wheeled wonder,

    wear that horrid shirt (not as a shirt, but as a wad strapped to the hind-parts ’cause you’re gonna need something to catch the pee when ya crash)

    and tape that “It is what it is” bracelet to your forehead.

    Fun for the whole family.

  7. floyd December 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

    I haven’t been able to pick up a Sky Mall magazine and not think of you and your perfectly sarcastic wit. Not sure why a comedian hasn’t picked up on this veritable gold mine? Might be time for you to go on the road…

  8. Helen December 4, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    The “One of a Kind” shirt makes me sad. It reminds me how I always wanted to learn how to make patchwork quilts, and never did. I don’t even know anyone who quilts. No wonder people get depressed during the Christmas season. I guess……wait for it…….. IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOTCHA!!!!

  9. Heather Sunseri December 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    So funny!! Oh how I love these posts. And I’m with floyd. I don’t see skymall magazine without thinking of you.

  10. Jason Stasyszen December 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    Wow, what is up with those shirts? Also, it looks like they photoshopped him to make him appear slimmer. I do believe it will haunt my dreams–thanks for that. Oh and I HATE it when people say, “it is what it is” and it’s Christian cliche brother, “it must be God’s will.” Maybe, maybe not. Don’t be lazy–find out.

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