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Check out the above graphic of a recent Wakefield Research survey conducted for 1-800-Flowers.

SHOCKING, huh?

And by shocking I mean not at all surprising.

What the survey results don’t show is to whom that disappointment is directed towards, but can we all agree that women are disappointed in their significant others? Whether that be their husband, their boyfriend or some poor schmuck who was foolish enough to ask a girl out on Valentine’s Day?

In a recent articleI read at CrossWalk.com, speaker and author Cindi McMenamin wrote:

Surveys show that countless women feel frustrated every year and let down on February 14, primarily because of unmet expectations. Women look for expressions of love that will meet their preconceived romantic notions. And many times, even well-intentioned men can’t possibly compete.

In a recent study of what makes married women happy, it was found that the biggest predictor of women’s happiness is their husband’s emotional engagement. The extent to which he is affectionate, to which he is empathetic, to which he is basically tuned into his wife was the most important factor in predicting the wife’s happiness. The study also found “if the wife had to choose between having a husband who is taking half the housework and having a husband who is really making a conscious, deliberate effort to focus emotionally on his wife, the emotional focus is much more likely to be a paramount concern.

That speaks volumes of what women want and expect. And men, who tend to be more action-oriented in how they show their love (by helping with the chores, repairing the garage door, and bringing home a paycheck) can miss the mark with us when it comes to trying to express their affections on Valentine’s Day, or any time, for that matter.

That said, fulfilling a woman’s idea of romance is not something most men, in particular, specialize in. In fact, many men struggle with how to convey their feelings in a way that their wives or girlfriends will understand and appreciate. And often times, what they think will impress you, doesn’t.

Do you see the disconnect here? As a woman who actually likes men, do you understand why I don’t like Valentine’s Day? Because February 14 tends to leave women feeling disappointed that whatever their men gave them was not enough and leaves men scratching their heads at best and in the dog house at worst.

A recipe for misery for life in general and in romantic relationships specifically is assuming what you desire is naturally what your partner desires, because that’s so rarely the case. In a survey asking “What do spouses really want?” for Married Romance (dot) com, a married man of 14 years put it well:

Men want their wives to respect them and their opinions. Women want to be loved and appreciated affectionately. Apparently the problem arises when men give only respect to their wives, and women give only love and affection to their husbands. We are giving what we want to receive and not what the other person needs or wants to have. A man’s needs (wants) in marriage from greatest to least are sex, recreational companion, her to be attractive to him (not necessarily to society’s plastic mold standard), a good home life, to be admired by her. A woman’s needs (wants) from greatest to least are: affection, someone to talk with, honesty and openness, financial security, and famly committment. When we as husbands and wives begin to focus on the other’s need we will improve our marriages.

As a woman, how can you be miserable without even trying?

By expecting your man to act and react like a woman.

By failing to recognize that that leaky toilet he fixed or the garbage he drags down to the curb or the air he put in the kids’ bicycle tires or the spider he squashed in the bathroom or the job he goes to 5 days a week are all love notes to you.

It’s not that most men don’t show their love to their wives or girlfriends, it’s that most women fail to recognize it.

Men are not big, hairy women. They’re men. Recognize that. Celebrate that, and you’d be amazed how much more loved you’ll feel.

This post is part of the One Word at a Time blog carnival: Disappoint hosted by the lovely and talented Peter Pollock. To read more disappointing posts (Ha!), visit him at PeterPollock.com.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Family Reunion

It’s Sunday afternoon and the family has gathered for a very special occasion.

The boys and their families flew in from Colorado and Tennessee. The girls married and settled closer to home, neither one more than an hour’s drive from their childhood home.

The big occasion? It’s Mom and Dad’s 50th wedding anniversary. The house is small, so John, Kevin and their families chose to stay at a nearby hotel in town. Now gathered in the tiny family room, the brothers and sisters wonder aloud how they ever managed to all fit in this house, let alone grow up here.

While their parents are in the back yard playing with the grandkids–nine in all–John, Kevin, Janet and Kara catch up on each other’s lives. The brothers each left home after high school graduation. John set off for college on a football scholarship and Kevin headed for Fort Bragg and a career in the military. They talk about their kids; about how much has changed and how much has remained unchanged.

What they don’t talk about is why Janet’s husband has spent most of the afternoon taking private calls on his cell phone out of earshot of his wife, or the fact that no amount of make-up can cover the purple, swollen skin under Kara’s right eye.

The elephants in the room loom as large as Kara’s husband’s absence from this auspicious occasion.

But the biggest elephant of all–the one each sibling recognizes but none want to admit to themselves, let alone each other, is the old saying that in this case rings heartbreakingly true:

Both Janet and Kara married men just like their Daddy.

And the elephants feed and grow…

If you missed the first three installments of this series, you can find them here:

The proper care and feeding of elephants, Part 1: An Introduction and Explanation
The proper care and feeding of elephants, Part 2: Unspoken
The proper care and feeding of elephants, Part 3: Anniversary Gifts

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Despite the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride in her gown before the wedding, he has seen her already.

In the interest of time, the couple decided to get the wedding party pictures taken before the ceremony.

Still, when the doors opened and her father walked her down the aisle, his jaw dropped, his eyes lit up, and even though I did not know this man, (I had shaken his hand for the first time just 24 hour prior) the look on his face told me all I needed to know. This man was utterly and completely in love. I can’t say for sure this was the best day of his life, but judging from that face, I would be willing to bet it made the top three. If he was nervous, it didn’t show. He looked as if he was exactly where he wanted to be.

Sitting on the bride’s side, I only caught a brief glimpse of her before they turned and faced the minister, but the discreet passing of a tissue from maid of honor to bride and the cracking of the bride’s voice told me she was overcome with emotion. A princess whose knight in shining armor had finally arrived.

His face I could see. The smile never left his lips. In a church full of family and friends, in those moments she was the only one who mattered.

What I witnessed Saturday was only the beginning of what I hope will be a lifelong love affair. I pray they remember this day when things aren’t so perfect, because anyone who’s been in love will tell you there will be many imperfect days, but the perfect days–even the perfect moments–are so worth it.

I know I’ve posted the following passage before, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing it again. It’s one of my favorites:

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you,

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in the their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;

And he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.
Or to be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

~ Kahlil Gibran
January 6, 1883 – April 10, 1931

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Anniversary Gifts

She wanted a new mixer for their anniversary. Not the most romantic of gifts, but all the chefs on her favorite cooking shows have this mixer. She imagines all the wonderful cakes, cookies and pastries she could create if only she had the same mixer all the professionals use. Maybe start a business selling her creations. She’s been making baked goods for family and friends for years, but has always laughed off their suggestions that she should go into business for herself. “Taking care of my family is my business and it’s a full time job”, she tells everyone. But she dreams of doing what she tells everyone she doesn’t have time for, and she knows her husband understands this dream. They’ve never talked about it, but he knows how much she loves to bake; he’s aware of how many cooking shows are recorded on their DVR. He must. He complains about it constantly.

Instead of a mixer, her husband presents her with a canvas he’s painted–a portrait of her and their kids inspired by a photo he snapped at the Grand Canyon last summer. She tells him she loves it, how touched she is by such a thoughtful, personal gift. But she doesn’t love it. Painting is his hobby, not hers. If he’d thought of her instead of himself, he would have realized that she had her own dreams. None of which had anything to do with painting.

He wanted an easel and a new set of artist brushes for their anniversary. He works at the bank 40 hours a week, but only because he has a family to support. His wife often suggests that with his degree in fine art, perhaps the bank president would let him paint some canvases to replace the tacky reproductions currently hanging in the bank lobby. The first time she suggested it, he was excited about the possibility. It was only after he overheard his wife’s phone conversation with her sister that he realized she was being sarcastic. That she didn’t really think his art was good enough to hang in a small town bank lobby, let alone in any art gallery. Now when she makes that suggestion, he laughs and nods his head.  But it hurts just the same.

Instead of an easel and artist brushes, his wife gave him a new suit and tie. Dress for success she’d always heard. Besides, the senior loan officer at the bank was about to retire, and a promotion for her husband was a real possibility. Maybe being in a management position would make him happier at his job. Maybe even enough for him to put away his art supplies so they could reclaim the guest room back from his ever growing hobby. He tells her he loves it. She has the best taste in clothes, and he’s so grateful to have a wife who supports his career.

He spends the rest of the day painting dark clouds over the valley in his latest landscape.

And the elephants feed and grow.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Editor’s Note: If this is the first post you’ve read in this series, you may want to check out The proper care and feeding of elephants, Part 1 for further explanation.

Like so many of my blogging buddies, I met Nick through Jon Acuff’s site, Stuff Christians Like. Unlike most of my friendships formed from commenting on SCL, my first reaction to Nick was this: He pissed me off. Why? Because Nick once called Oklahoma “home”, and as some folks from Oklahoma tend to do, he takes great joy in making fun of all things Texas. (Jealousy and whatnot.) While I’m not originally from Texas, there’s something about this place that gets into your heart and never leaves. So when someone makes fun of her, well, them’s fighting words! But here’s the thing – I can’t help but like Nick. He’s like the punky little brother I never had. And while I would happily wail on him any chance I could get, if someone were to attack him personally, I would be the first to defend him.

He is a youth pastor in parts unknown (I know where he lives, but that’s not for public consumption.) He is a husband, a father, a true geek, and a master of sarcasm and dry wit. Above all, he has a heart for people. Specifically, people who have yet to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. So, even though I will tease him mercilessly until my dying day, just between you and me, I think he’s pretty special. (Just don’t tell him I said that, because I will deny it.)

Here’s Nick on the dance of teen dating:

I doubt katdish will understand the amount of research I had to put into this post. Being from Texas, I assume she knows all about square dancing and what all the calls mean. I don’t know these things so I had to look them up.

Why was it so important to know about Square Dancing? Well, so I can understand the dating habits of teens.

It seems the most popular game right now in my Youth group is musical dating. As I began to study the changes in the couples, it seemed that they were following strange and mesmerizing patterns. The patterns felt familiar and then it occurred to me. Square Dancing!

Of course, there is some unknown caller commanding the teens to change partners and form new patterns. It is the only reasonable explanation for why a smart girl would start dating a guy that she hated just days before because of the way he treated her friend, and why she would blindly go through the dance moves until he switched to another corner with yet another girl.
Of course in square dancing the partners end up back together in the end, but with the rhythmic changes of the teen couples the end is only heart break until the next pairing is made.

While this particular dance is fascinating to watch it does concern me. My sister calls it “practicing for divorce.” I think she may be right. When we train our heart to be broken so readily then to be repaired by a new partner then we will rely on that training. Marriage is about opening your heart to someone and that means heartache and even heart break. If we have trained ourselves to find solace in others then we will complete the cycle.

I think this is one of the major reasons why marriages fail so readily in America.

Of course, the question arises, how do we deal with this dance?

For more from Nick, check out his blog, My Experiences as a Youth Pastor. Be sure to check out the Super Youth Pastor posts. Those are awesome.