It’s certainly not a new trend. Humans have been anthropomorphizing the world around them as long as there have been humans. Early man used anthropomorphism in an attempt to explain things beyond his ability to understand and comprehend them. The term anthropomorphism was first used by the Greek philosopher Xenophanes when describing the similarity between religious believers and their gods.

I think we tend to assign human characteristics to animals we feel strong bonds with, particularly our pets. This would explain a multi-billion dollar industry devoted exclusively to dog clothing. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if your dog could talk, he would most likely tell you that while he appreciates the irony, he doesn’t really appreciate being dressed up like a hot dog. He’s only been humoring you. And while this practice is relatively harmless save for the dignity of your canine companion, other forms are not.

Most of us remember the tragic death of Sea World trainer Dawn Brancheau by Tilikum, the oldest and largest killer whale at the park. People were understandably horrified, but no one should have been particularly surprised.

As it turns out, the “normally docile” orca had killed twice before. Most of us are accustomed to seeing killer whales jumping out of giant swimming pools and allowing trainers to ride them like giant water horses, but they’re not called killer whales for nothing.

I’m fairly certain that whale in the second picture isn’t jumping up to give that penguin a kiss. The anthropomorphisation of killer whales has a logical explanation. Sea World parks are profit driven. Kids want to see Shamu jumping out of the water and kicking giant footballs with their tails, not what they typically do in the wild like, say, dragging seals off of rocks and eating them.

Other examples of anthropomorphisation are more difficult for me. While I suppose I can understand the popularity of the teddy bear based upon President Theodore Roosevelt’s encounter with a black bear on a hunting trip, I don’t think anyone in the early 20th century would have mistakenly assumed a bear in the woods to be cuddly and/or friendly. No, that ill-fated assumption only came to pass in the late 20th century courtesy of Hanna-Barbara Studio’s Yogi Bear. Since then, people have been happily feeding bears in state parks resulting in the death both campers and bears. Seriously, people. Unless a bear approaches you wearing a green tie and a fedora, it’s best to keep a safe distance.

I’m sure you can think of dozens of other examples. The Coca-Cola polar bears are fun loving and family friendly. Actual polar bears are one of the few mammals who will kill for the sake of killing. Fantasia’s dancing hippos? Hilarious. Real hippos kill more people in Africa than crocodiles. Sock monkeys? Adorable. Real monkeys? Disgusting, stinky, vile animals.

I will make one exception because I’m rather fond of rabbits due in large part to Watership Down by Richard Adams. I love that book, and I see rabbits all the time. They’ve never once attempted to attack me. Rabbits are wholly fantastic and wonderful. But don’t watch the movie based on the book. It’s horrible.

I am certain that real rabbits are mostly good and true and would be befriend you if they weren’t completely terrified of human beings.

I know that all the aforementioned is simply restating facts that you are probably already aware of. But of late, I have observed a disturbing trend in anthropomorphism.

Namely, the cute-tification of owls. Owls are certainly not a new phenomenon to literature or home decor. Who can forget Owl of Winnie the Pooh fame? But he wasn’t portrayed as cute, only wise and a bit on snooty side. Home decor? Need I remind any of you of the tragedy which befell almost every 1970’s household: the macrame owl?

Again, these could not be described as cute by any stretch of the imagination. But today? Owls are everywhere. In home decor and in fashion, almost always portrayed as cute.

They’re not cute, people! They’re predatory killing machines. I’m convinced that the only reason the large owl which frequents the telephone line behind my house hasn’t attempted to kill me is because I’m simply too heavy to carry off. But they’re getting more confidently aggressive every day as we are lulled into a false sense of security.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Celebrity Words with Friends enthusiast, Alec Baldwin

I’m not sure what your process is for coming up with things to write about, but I tend to write about what I know. Or what I pretend to know. Or what I feel the need to rant incessantly about which I may or may not know.

But almost without fail, when I begin this process saying to myself, “You know what would be a really stupid thing to write about?”, it’s blog fodder gold and the beginning of a never-ending series. Such was the case when I decided to write about my adventures with a little iPhone app called Words with Friends.

Not since I wrote about my encounters with the Pornographic Cheese Butler at my local grocery store has my penchant for being completely ridiculous been so well received. If you’re new here, or have somehow missed the first five parts of this series, you can find them here:

Words with friends, An Idiot’s Guide

Words with friends, An Idiot’s Guide, Part 2

Words with friends, An Idiot’s Guide, Part 3: Strategery

Words with friends, An Idiot’s Guide, Part 4: More words that shouldn’t be

Words with Friends, An Idiot’s Guide Part 5: Know your opponent

Trust me when I tell you, “An Idiot’s Guide” is an apt title. Here’s a brief excerpt from my first post where I explain my complete frustration and utter confusion with this game:

After much nagging from a few online friends, I decided to download a free Words with Friends app onto my iPhone a few months ago. Of course, having never played Scrabble before, I had no clue what to do. In retrospect, I suppose I could have googled “How to play words with friends”, but that would have been entirely too obvious and logical.

Instead, I would open the app every few days and stare at it. I started a few games, but it kept telling me something about an invalid tile placement or some such nonsense. I’m sure whomever I was attempting to play with assumed a toddler had gotten hold of their mother’s cell phone, and if anyone who doesn’t read this blog asks, that’s the story I’m going with.

Now, before you Scrabble/Words with Friends experts roll your eyes at me (some of you probably already are), let me explain how I interpreted this game screen.

• The Star — Yeah. No idea what that was about. I didn’t realize your first word had to have one of the letters on that star. As a matter of fact, I thought one of the objects was to AVOID the star. (Welcome to my brain.)
• DL, TL, DW, TW, et. al. — As some of you may know, I’m not a big fan of acronyms, so my brain does not seek them out. Imagine my frustration when I would make a great word like hanDLe, or DWight or TWeet and it refused me. Stupid game…

I was very likely the worst Words with Friends player ever to download the app. But it’s been several months and many games since my initiation into the world of online pseudo-Scrabble, and like those tobacco company ad executives were fond of saying in order to encourage women to smoke cigarettes,

“I’ve come a long way, baby!”

So much so, that lately I’ve been challenged by several new opponents. Some of them I know personally or through social media, but the vast majority are complete strangers. A couple of folks even mentioned reading my Idiot’s Guides. Several would send me a text during the game which simply said “Hi”, which I thought was a little weird, but whatever. One of my new opponents sent me a game text which said, “Nice move, Dish!”. I immediately texted him back, “Do I know you?”, because that was my nickname in high school, but no one calls me that anymore. His answer surprised me:

SNORT! I wonder how many people playing Words with Friends with Katdish or Katdish10 (I have 2 accounts because I forgot I had the first one) think they’re playing someone famous.

Come to think of it, I do share a name with a famous celebrity mother. I actually used to get Google Alerts for Kathy Richards, but I unsubscribed because I really don’t care what Paris Hilton’s mother did last weekend, nor do I want to play Words with Friends with her, but again. Whatever.

If you ARE playing Words with Friends with me under the assumption that you are playing someone famous, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Good luck in the future with your quest for brushes with greatness. Maybe Snookie plays Words with Friends…

(Subtitled: Why my laundry still isn’t finished.)

1. With the full understanding that leaving the house today is on the agenda, you decide to wear something a bit more formal than the fuzzy polka dot pajama pants and the bright green “Whose Your Daddy?” t-shirt.
   

2. Attempts to find a pair of clean jeans prove futile. Instead, you hastily decide on a pair of red cotton capris circa 2001 and a peasant type t-shirt the same color as Oscar the Grouch. A gigantic claw hair clip and black flip flops complete the ensemble. Make a mental note that the laundry fairy has ignored numerous requests. Drastic measures must be taken.
   
3. After “errands”, i.e. – getting your kids out of the house before they drive you to drink, you reluctantly return home and begin tackling the huge piles of laundry.
   
4. Lots of random things happen, you manage to wash and dry 2 loads of whites and 2 loads of jeans. Hang up jeans and begin sorting underwear and socks.
   
5. End up with an inordinately high number of mismatched socks. Suspect the dog has found a “special place” for their sock mates.
   
   
6. Decide to put the socks in a basket on top of the dryer. Hate this idea because how are you supposed to remember which socks are in there? You may throw their sockmate right in the same basket, and that ain’t right.
7. Begin to feel bad for the socks. Serenade the socks with the 3 Dog Night Hit, “One”. “One…..is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know. Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one, Ahhhh Ewwww!”
   
   
8. Frustrated that you have no fabulous ideas about how to store the socks until reunited with their drawer mates, your mind begins to wander…
   
9. You notice a metal sign that you bought at Ross on the clearance aisle a couple of months ago. It says “Children are the anchors that hold a mother’s heart.” Which you hate, because it reminds you of that children’s book “The Giving Tree”, which makes you want to leg drop that selfish little kid/man in that book. But, it was 2 bucks, and there’s no law saying you have to keep that dumb saying on there once you own it free and clear, now is there?
   
10. Get the Goo-Off and scraper from your handy dandy tool bag and get to gettin’ on that quote. Oh, yeah. At this point, the wheels are turning in that little ADD mind of yours. You have begun the actual labor portion of the creative process.
    
    
11. While the Goo-Off soaks in a bit, you manage to get the SWSO’s (socks with significant others) and the miscellaneous unmentionables (underwear) safely to their assigned drawers. (HA! Underwear humor.)
    
12. Over the next 2 days, hem and haw over what kind of lettering you want to use on your “sock sign”. Waste an incredible amount of time and energy on this.
    
13. Finally decide on the size and type of lettering. Print out new quote, and put on sign using a stylus and transfer paper. Fill in letters with paint pen. Clear coat.
    
14. Hot glue clothespins to sign.
    
15. Hang sign above dryer, hang sock singles on clothespins.
    
16. Stand back and admire your work. You are pleased, but something is missing.
    

17. More random things happen — New Year’s Eve party, etc.
    
18. Friends come over for dinner. You show them your work. Since they are weird like you, they like the sign very much.
    
19. Moments later, one of your friends gives you an idea that will be the “piece de la resistance” to your sock sign.
    
20. After your friends leave, you immediately begin working on the final piece of your sign. It takes only a few minutes, but you are well pleased.
    
    

    As a matter of fact, you’d go so far as to say that it was…

SOCKTACULAR!

Oh, it’s been too long since my last katdishionary post. From the blog that brought you such words as Pornographic Cheese Buttler, Skymalladocious, Fatassatosis, the Jesus Frying Pan and many, many more, katdish.net is pleased to present Part 12 of this neverending fountain of blog fodder: katdishionary, Part 12, the Florida Edition:

For those of you who haven’t been here in awhile, first of all, shame on you.

Secondly, you may not be aware that I recently spent the better part of a week in the land of Micky Mouse and all things touristy, Orlando, Florida.

The purpose of said trip was to attend Exponential: the largest gathering of church planters in the Universe. (It’s not billed as such, but I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and assume there aren’t some alien life forms gathering to talk about Jesus at some huge interplanetary mega church. Even though that would be pretty cool.) Anyway, I ranted incessantly about it a little last week, meant to share a little more with you, but then the non-virtual world was calling me, so I’m just now getting around to sharing some new and exciting katdishionary words with you now–I know. You’re welcome.

Now on with the katdishionary:

Orlandosinusitus (pronounced Or-lan-doe-sign-u-site-us)

The view from our condo, overlooking the beautiful "Wet n' Wild" theme park. If you squint and look just left of center, you can see Hogwarts, which we didn't go to because last time we came to this conference, we went to Disneyworld without the kids and they're still pissed about it.

Definition: a condition of alternating runny nose to completely stopped up nose caused by the city of Orlando, Florida.

Origin: Trip to a church planter’s conference in late April. I had allergy attacks the entire trip. I’m either allergic to tourism, Florida, church planters, or some combination of all of the above. This debilitating condition forced me to go to bed each night with a Breathe-Right nasal strip adhered to the bridge of my nose and Kleenex stuffed in my nostrils. (Also? I’m bringing sexy back!)

The Mo-fauxhawk (pronounced ma-fo-hawk)

This is the closest version of what I would truly define as an actual Mofauxhawk. See further description below.

Definition: Edgier version of the fauxhawk, where there is what appears to be an actual mohawk centered on the top of the head

surrounded by the classic fauxhawk on either side.

Imagine if you will a well manicured box hedge lined on either side with monkey grass. Now put that atop someone’s head and you have the Mo-fauxhawk.

Incidentally, it looks nothing at all like this:

Origin: People watching at the Exponential Conference.

A Scarf too Far, or AS2F (pronounced a-skarf-too-far)

The following are all elements of the Christian hipster look:

The Christian/tribal tatt

The free-for-all facial hair look

The lacoste porkpie hat

The Spongebob Squarepants glasses

Skinny jeans

The ugly shoe with a heart of gold: Toms

The Ricky Lee Jones throwback beanie

The nerdy/environmentally correct tee

The peacoat with deep front pockets to plunge your hands into while walking purposefully.

and, of course…

The ginormous scarf

This is only a partial list. Feel free to include body piercings, those big hockey puck earrings, the man-purse (murse) or something else I’ve forgotten. They can be mixed and matched (or mismatched as the case may be), but an attempt to incorporate too many into one outfit will result in what I like to call A Scarf Too Far (AS2F) and turn them into the very thing they fear the most: a walking cliche’.

Origin: People watching at Exponential.

The Chewpacca (pronounced chew-pa-ka)

Chewpacca

Definition: A large, inexpensive duffle bag on wheels which can be purchased at the Super Target on the way to the Orlando airport when you’ve exceeded the 50 pound weight limit on your luggage and don’t want to pay the extra 50 bucks they charge you for going SEVEN POUNDS OVER.

Wheels designed for maximum noise creation.

The wheels are designed in such a way as to make the loudest noise possible when pulled across an airport parking lot, and when pulled across the moving walkway once inside the airport, to my delight and everyone else’s annoyance, they sound almost exactly like this:

(You should play that video two or three times. It is THAT delightful!)

Origin: Jeff Hogan. Who, after walking behind me and my new duffle bag named him Chewbacca.

This concludes the latest edition of the katdishionary. Please remember that many of the words contained therein have come from alert readers (including the term “katdishionary”), so keep those cards and letters coming!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Halloween is a distant memory. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Time to put the Christmas shopping rush into full gear. But don’t fret, I’m here to guide you through the season. Over the next few weeks, I will alert you to some of the best gifts available on the internets, beginning with my first selection, Forever Lazy:

“Forever Lazy has zippered hatches in front and back for great escapes when duty calls…”

"Heh, heh...she said doodie..."

In the interest of full disclosure and giving credit where credit is due, I must share with you that this suggestion came to me from long time friend and sister-in-snark, Sarah via a series of text messages:

So there you have it. Perfect Christmas gift Number One: A bedazzled Bingo Forever Lazy.

For your shopping convenience, I have provided links to both sites:

Click on image to visit the Forever Lazy website

+

Click on image to visit the Bedazzler website

= win/win!

And just in case you don’t want to take my word that the Forever Lazy is a perfect Christmas gift, I’ll have you know that this garment has garnered a fairly high profile celebrity endorsement:

"We love the Forever Lazy" - Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La-La & Po

Check back next week, when I’ll be sharing MORE internet finds with you.

Happy Shopping and as always, Sorry/you’re welcome!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

As you may know, our family includes among its members a very old Abyssinian cat named Rudy T. Rocket

Rudy the cat

(Named after the Houston Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich the first year they won the World Championship, which was also the year the cat was born. Consequently, this was also the year where Game 7 of the NBA Championship was interrupted so that we could all watch Al Cowlings drive O. J. Simpson around in a white Bronco on a Los Angeles freeway for several minutes after which coverage of the game was resumed as Bob Costas apologized for showing GAME 7 OF THE NBA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP instead of riveting coverage of an SUV driving 30 mph on a freeway. I recently told a friend I didn’t like Bob Costas. He replied he had never heard of anyone who didn’t like Bob Costas and wanted to know why. Yeah. That’s why, but HOLY COW, I totally digress…)

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. We also have a 3 year old miniature dachshund named Buddy Love.

Buddy Love the Dog sporting some pancake batter.

There was a brief period involving a fish tank, but other than that, we’ve stuck to the traditional pet scenario. Frankly, I’m not terribly interested in caring for an animal you can’t cuddle. Not that I’m much of a pet cuddler, but it’s important to me that this option is available.

That all changed Monday. We had some friends over for the 4th of July. The kids were playing in their rooms when my daughter announced to me that they had captured a baby lizard and were currently googling what supplies were needed to create a suitable habitat in order to keep one as a pet. I was mentally preparing my heartfelt speech about how wild animals should remain in the wild and that the best place for the (disgusting) baby gecko was in the garden, when I heard those four words a mother never wants to hear from her child:

“Dad said I could.”

Craptastic.

The following is a short video of the latest edition to our household. (Did I mention that, while I don’t mind the chameleon-like anole lizards common to this area, I despise geckos with the blazing heat of a thousand white hot suns?)

So, it seems we have a new pet. However, when feeding time came around, my daughter chose to feed said pet a salad topping, which, I’m pretty sure doesn’t contain any crickets. But I could be wrong about that:

"Not intended for lizards."

On the upside, I’m pretty sure the temporary lizard terrarium will be just that–temporary–because we’re just not lizard people. (Oh, calm down. I didn’t let her feed the lizard slivered almonds, and by “I didn’t let her” I mean my husband didn’t let her. Because who’s to say geckos don’t like almonds?)

What’s the weirdest pest you’ve ever had?

I had no intention of watching the Royal Wedding. I just don’t get jazzed up about stuff like that. Pomp and circumstance has its place I suppose, just not at 3:00 a.m. CST.

But as bad luck would have it, I awoke at 3:00 a.m. CST to the sound of the theme song from “Cops” blaring from my television. And since it seems they show the same dumb, drunk criminal lying to the police over and over again on that program, I figured, what the heck? Might as well watch some pomp and circumstance.

And hey, while I’m at it, might as well post some random thoughts on the twitter at the same time:

This is one long wedding. By this time at my wedding I was already @ the reception doing the chicken dance. #royalwedding

I’m guessing they won’t being doing the chicken dance @ this one, though #royalwedding

I’m going to wait until #royalwedding is over before I make fun of the hats, because I’m classy like that.

The people outside look really happy, don’t they? #royalwedding

I wonder if one dry cleaner takes care of all these clergy robes. Bet they’re easy to spot on that automated hanger thingy #royalwedding

Okay, people. Let’s wrap it up. We have another wedding here at 6:00 #royalwedding

So now what? Reception? They look pretty relaxed to me. #royalwedding

Incidentally, I had no intention of watching the #royalwedding. I just woke up too early.

I think it’s interesting that all the women I saw were dressed conservatively (except some hats) & the most lavish costumes worn by men

Can someone tweet a pic of that tan hat that girl was wearing behind the queen, because Dang. What was that thing?#royalwedding

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers” – Homer Simpson

Okay seriously...WTH?

@BigMama247 How can you be okay with that hat? I wonder if she’s going to have a picture of the royal couple put in that frame on her head. (in reply to: @katdish Well, better with the hat than with the make-up. And I like anything that is feather-free.)

@BigMama247 There was a copious amount of plumage & flying saucers in attendance.

@agapeguitars @BigMama247 “Do you like my hat?” “No, I do not like your hat.” – Go Dog Go (in reply to: @katdish @BigMama247 Well, I’m not Alise, but I love the hat for its Seussian qualities. That always supersedes good taste IMO.)

@SBeeCreations @agapeguitars mentioned a certain Dr. Seussian quality to it. I tend to agree. (in reply to @katdish @agapeguitars Do you like my hat?)

Getting ready for the next #royalwedding unstated flashy

Perhaps an environmental statement #royalwedding

And floral is appropriate for a spring #royalwedding

"You wanna a piece of me?!?" #royalwedding

So there you have it. I watched the Royal Wedding so you didn’t have to. Sorry/you’re welcome/TTFN!

I’ve never been a big fan of Peeps candy, but last year I found a fun and calorie-free way of enjoying the sugary marshmallow treats. Enjoy:

What can we learn?

• That we can enjoy Easter candy without having to eat it.
• That I am easily amused.
• That maturity is mostly overrated.
• That Cadbury Creme Eggs are vile and disgusting. (Okay, we didn’t really learn that, but they are…)

(And yeah, that’s me giggling in the background. Sorry/you’re welcome.)

image courtesy of photobucket.com

There are women who purchase handbags as accessories to match their shoes. They change out their purses as often as they change their outfits. I am not one of those women. For me, entering into a relationship with a handbag is a long term commitment not to be taken lightly.

For years, the search for the perfect bag was akin to searching for the Holy Grail. Many came close, but always lacked a certain necessary element. Then a few years ago (I’m not sure the exact year, but I know it was during the second Bush administration), I received a Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag as a Christmas gift. It was perfection wrapped in brown distressed leather and love at first use. We’ve been together ever since. It’s been such an integral part of my life that I’ve written not one, but two blog posts about it.

Last week, my Fossil bag finally succumb to the ravages of time and abuse. Actually, I lost one of the clips that hold the shoulder strap onto the purse.

Otherwise, I’d just do what I did with the other clip and wire it back on.

Okay, perhaps I’m just a wee too attached to that handbag, but we’ve got a lot of history together.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to wipe away my tears and try to find one exactly like it on e-Bay. In the meantime, I invite you to read again or for the first time ever…

The ABC’s of Crap in my Purse: (Originally posted 3-12-2009)

Disclaimer: Yes, that is a pricey Fossil purse with paint on it. But in my defense, it was a gift from my sister. She feels sorry for me because I have chosen to live a life devoid of overpriced accessories, so she buys me expensive purses, Pandora bracelets with coordinating overpriced beads to go with, and other fancy stuff for Christmas and birthdays. I had no idea how much that purse costs until I went to get one without paint on it. After pricing them, I decided my purse had character. I bet no one else in town has a chocolate brown Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag (don’t think I didn’t have to do a Google image search to figure out what kind of purse it is) with off-white trim paint strategically dabbed on the credit card zipper pouch. Katdish: trendsetter (CHECK!)

I’m really liking Twitter. There. I said it. Now, I’ll also say this: my friend Steph at the Red Clay Diaries was right. Yeah, Steph. You guilted me into it, but I’m glad I came around. It’s really opened up a whole new world of Internet peeps for me, and as you all know, I don’t spend nearly enough time on the computer. For example, this chick named Mandy Thompson started following me. So I go check out her twitter page and her blog. Turns out, she’s just like me, except that she’s an incredibly gifted musician and is cool. She thinks I’m cool, too. But let’s not let that cat out of the bag just yet. She’ll figure out what a dork I am sooner or later.

Anyway, Mandy recently wrote a post dedicated to stuff in her purse. It looked really professional with corresponding letters to the stuff all nicely laid out. There was a purpose for everything she had in there. Contrast that to Steph’s post awhile back about stuff in her purse. Which is waaayyyy closer to what is in my purse.

I really liked the way Mandy lettered the items. So, in attempt to copy her, I attempted to do the same with the items in my purse. You would think that someone who actually paints murals and custom artwork as a trade would be able to use the paintbrush function on her computer. And you would be wrong. Painting with a mouse is nothing like painting with a paintbrush. I pretty much suck at it. But still, it took me a long time to designate letters to items from my purse in no particular order, so I’m going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the ABC’s of crap in my purse:

A) Rudy the cat. He is not now, nor has he ever been in my purse.
B) My second Blackberry. I upgraded from my first Blackberry when my dh decided he needed an iPhone. Some people never get a brand new car. I never get a brand new PDA. (Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I dig it.)
C) My business cards, “Ragamuffin Child Interiors” I realize the “child” part is redundant, as the definition of a ragamuffin is “a shabbily dressed child”. But would you hire a painter whose company name is “A shabbily dressed child Interiors”? Me thinks not.
D) Large stack of random receipts. I think it’s important to keep receipts. Why? Because my husband says so.
E) Pens that I can never find, but have obviously always been in there.
F) Giveaway mirror from my old church.
G) Oil blotting sheets. People, I am very shiny! Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room. (You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.)
H) Orbit gum – I tease Pete Wilson about chewing gum during interviews, but I’m a fairly prolific gum chewer myself. (Don’t tell him I said that.)
I) Eye wetting drops from when I had lasik surgery a year ago. Hey, you never know.
J) Broken pieces from a cheap tic tac toe game that my daughter asked me to hold for her last month.
K) No-slip ponytail holder. I swear by those, especially if you have thick hair.
L) Leftover nail glue and orange stick that I used to apply Lee press-on nails to my ugly man-hands whist attending Catalyst One Day in Alpharetta, GA.
M) Several tubes of lipstick that I almost never wear. Also, one of them is a highlighter.
N) A Speert purse hook. You set the square part down on the edge of a table, and then you can hook your purse on it. Another fancy gift from my sympathetic sister. I’ve used it once: the day she gave it to me at lunch.
O) Bed, Bath & Beyond and Linens n’ Things 20% coupons. You never know when you’ll need to buy someone a Snuggie. (I know LNT is out of business – I threw it away.)
P) A bulletin from a church where we guest-led worship a couple of Sundays ago. (Okay, it was mid-January. Are you beginning to see a trend here?)
Q) Business account checkbook.
R) A bag of gourmet coffee that they were giving out at Catalyst One Day.
S) A bag of airline pretzels.
T) A foil pack of Gas-X. (I know, I know — TMI.)
U) A copy of “Making your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other People’s Blogs” by Wordy McTypesalot. You never know when someone’s going to ask you for your autograph. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but I’m ready!
V) Wallet by “The Sack”. I love that wallet, but I don’t keep any credit cards or ID in there. It’s basically a fancy junk drawer for my purse. I’m pretty sure Waldo’s in there.
W) Credit card zipper pouch where I actually keep my credit cards and ID. Incidentally, I almost never use credit cards. I should take most of those out of there and put them in my wallet.
X) Huh….apparently, there is no “X”. But I’m not redoing that picture! (Man, I hope Angela doesn’t read this. That will drive her nuts! I swear, Angela; I did not do that on purpose this time.)
Y) Tres muchos denaro. (Dang. I’m practically bilingual!)
Z) Correct change for nothing in particular.

I suppose my purse (and the center console in my Jeep) are very much like this:

To my guy readers. Sorry. I hope you didn’t get any girl cooties while reading this post. I’ll try to write a post with some fart humor and/or gratuitous violence to make up for this one.

Wow. That was a really long post about the contents of my purse. I’m actually kind of embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to publish it. (Hit “publish post”.)

I’m up to my eyeballs in rhinos. No, not real ones. Seems as though I’ve inadvertently volunteered to paint a canvas for my daughter’s class to be auctioned off to raise money for the PTA. (Wow–that sentence was chock full of prepositional phrases, huh?) It’s due Friday. (Actually, it was due Monday, but I’m a temperamental artist so they’re just gonna have to deal with it.) I’ve copied the kids’ artwork and still need to finish painting. No time to write something brilliant and life changing, so here’s some leftovers for y’all. Sorry/you’re welcome:

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and random ridiculousness…

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeee–aaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!

I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90


“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00

“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…

Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…