Katdish.net

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Eighteen days before the 27th season of Saturday Night Live was scheduled to air, the September 11, 2001 attacks took place in New York City. The season premiere went on as scheduled, with a special cold opening by then mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani. Flanked by the firefighters and police officers of New York, he declared that despite the terrorist attack, New York City would run as normal and Saturday Night Live will go on as planned. What I remember most about that opening was the question posed by the show’s producer Lorne Michaels: “Can we be funny?”, to which Giuliani responded, “Why start now?”

Overwhelmed by the pain and suffering caused by the natural disasters in Japan, deeply disturbed by the government of Libya killing its own people and feeling the weight of what seems to be nothing but bad news, I find myself asking the same question Michaels posed on SNL: “Can I be funny? (To which you may be thinking, “Why start now?”) Is it okay to write about all the stupid and ridiculous things I tend to gravitate towards on this blog when there’s so much suffering going on in the world?”

I think the answer to that question is yes. Because there will always be sadness and suffering in this world. There will most probably be moments in our lives where nothing seems funny. Last week I wanted to wallow in my sadness. Being stupid and ridiculous seemed just that–stupid and ridiculous. Not funny.

But you know what’s funny?

image from pyzam.com

Me wanting to wallow in sadness like some horrible suburban emo kid who ignores all the wonderfully beautiful things of this life. Things like making fun of emo kids:

That video still makes me smile.

Dear people who make pants:

Why do the pockets on so many of the jeans and/or capri pants I find have flaps on them? Was there a great outcry by women demanding flaps on their back pockets? Was there an increase in the number of women carrying men’s wallets in their back pockets looking for increased security via a flap and a button? Because I think I can speak for most of the women I know when I say I carry my wallet in my purse.

It’s not that I’m anti-flap per se. It’s more about me being anti-ironing-clothes-that-you-shouldn’t-have-to-iron. How is it that we can put a man on the moon, and yet can’t seem to make a pocket flap that doesn’t do this:

Exhibit A

Exhibit C (notice how flap ear is more pronounced while the pants are being worn)

Please people who make pants, either stop with the flaps or maybe weigh the flap corners down with some fishing weights. I, for one, will be extremely grateful.

And while I have you here, I’d like to address another issue with pants. Actually, I would like to generously offer my unsolicited advice (isn’t that the best kind?) about more specific labeling on low rise jeans. Because let’s face it, they are not equally low rising. There should some type of international visual standard by which an educated consumer might determine how low they should go.

I have put great time and effort in determining three subclasses for the low rise jean category and have also provided detailed artist’s renditions of what would be the proposed internationally recognized symbols for these subcategories.

To establish what “low rise” equates to, the first sketch identifies what is universally accepted as “regular fit” jeans:

regular fit blue jeans

From there, we can move to the first category of low rise–Level One. I think this particular jean can be worn by most women.

Level One low rise jeans

Level Zero is next. I think many unsuspecting women buy this particular type of low rise jeans, but for whatever reason do not have access to a full length mirror, live in areas where wind drafts are uncommon or non-exisistent, and never keep their receipts.

Level Zero low rise jeans

Level Negative One is the final subcategory. I assume women who buy these type of low rise jeans know what they’re buying, but perhaps having a tag on the garment as a visual reminder might deter some from proceeding with the purchase.

Level Negative One low rise jeans

One final suggestion. On the opposite side of all of these proposed hang tags, I would also like to suggest you print the following warning. This would protect both you and the consumer from embarrassment and possible future litigation:

Proposed warning for all low rise jeans

In conclusion, thank you in advance, people who make pants, for your thoughtful consideration in this matter. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours,

katdish

It’s February, folks! Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. Have you thought about what you what you might get for that special someone or someones in your life?

What’s that you say?

Valentine’s Day is an invention of greedy retailers looking for yet another way to retrieve your hard earned cash?

Don’t be so jaded, so unromantic! As Michael Scott from The Office once said:

“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'”

And who better understands this heartfelt sentiment than our fine friends at The Skymall?

Any unimaginative cad can buy his love a dozen roses, but how many can afford enchanted roses?

Large Bohemian Vase & 12 Roses $699.99

Real roses dipped in 24K gold bring a lifetime of enchantment!
“Imagine the magical beauty of flawless long-stemmed roses hand-dipped in solid gold. Thirteen colors to choose from with 24k gold trim and solid gold stem. For those with the Midas touch, we recommend our 24K Gold Rose which is completely entombed in gold! As in nature, no two of these treasures are alike…Our large 10″ Bohemian crystal vase will complement your selection. Hand cut of Bohemian lead crystal with a 24K gold vertical band.”

Oh, sure. 700 bucks may seem a bit steep for a vase full of flowers, but I think you’d agree that “a lifetime of enchantment” is a bargain at twice that price!

Is that special someone in your life adorably competitive and argumentative? Never lets you get in the last word? Remind her of your never ending love while allowing her to argue with herself while reading the inscription on this beautiful pendant:

I love you more necklace $49.95

Exclusive I Love You More Mobius Necklace
“I Love you…I love you more…I love you…I love you more.” Start reading and you’ll return to where you began, over and over ad infinitum. A gift of never ending love, an engraved Mobius strip pendant (created by a single magical twist) hangs from a matching cable chain.

That’ll show her! (How much you love her.)

Perhaps you spent your honeymoon or a romantic vacation on a beautiful beach with the love of your life:

Personalized Beach Print $69.99

Your names in the sand.
“Personalize your passion for the beach with one of these unique prints. The beach print allows you to personalize up to 4 lines (up to 20 characters per line) allowing you to celebrate a family vacation, honeymoon, etc.”

Nothing brings back memories of those romantic days and nights at the beach than a picture of your names in the sand next to the feet of two complete strangers also at the beach! (Pirate version with optional peg-leg currently out of stock.)

There are hundreds of wonderful, romantic and thoughtful gifts for that special someone in your life available through the Skymall catalog, but this last item I consider the crown jewel of the collection.

Say you’ve been married for a few years. Those sexy, slinky negliges have been replaced by fuzzy slippers and a bulky robe. Or perhaps she’s now sporting the ever-popular Snuggie around the house? Why not just decide “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” with this beautiful gift made for two?

The Siamese Slanket $40.99

Imagine the romantic evenings spent together on the couch eating popcorn and watching Zumba infomercials in a snuggly Slanket made for two! And once warmer weather sets in, I bet that baby would make pretty quick work of wiping down the bass boat. Win/win!

I hope I’ve given you a few ideas for that special someone in your life. If you do decide to order one of these wonderful gifts from Skymall, tell them I sent you.

On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t mention my name. Happy shopping Lovebirds!

Yesterday, I posted the following tweet:

I’m going to write a post tomorrow that needs to be written. It may offend some people, but I’ve got to take a stand.

About most things, I am willing to speak out, but on this particular subject I felt the damage might be too great; the cost too high. But then I received the following reply from @peacegardenmama:

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., 1929-1968

Thank you, Roxane. Your tweet gave me the courage to finally end my silence; to speak out against what might be the greatest abomination of the Christmas season.

I’m talking about, of course…

The holiday sweater:

First introduced as a form of seasonal birth control in communist China, they soon made their way across the Pacific to Europe and the New World. But this still does not answer the question of why, in a country where its citizens have the freedom to wear anything they choose, people would voluntarily wear one of these things.

At first, the blight of the holiday sweater was only observed in the weakest of our society–those not in a position to make sound, educated decisions about their wardrobe choices. I speak, of course, of the very young:

and the elderly:

So what of the rest of society? I have a theory:

Having worked in the fashion industry for several years (and by “having worked in the fashion industry” I mean “I worked in the Junior Department of a local department store”), I know that home interior trends tend to follow clothing fashion trends. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof:

From the runways and red carpets of one fashion season:

To the trendy, overpriced furniture stores the following season:

I think it’s important to remember that this is a one way street. Clothing fashions can trend to home fashions, but when you try to flip this trend, the results are often disastrous:

As a Christian, I find it disheartening that Christ followers seem particularly vulnerable to the mysterious allure of the holiday sweater.

Attend any Women’s Ministry Christmas Tea, luncheon or cookie exchange, and I dare you to swing a wiffle bat without hitting an attendee NOT wearing a holiday sweater.

I think this particular phenomenon can be traced back to a misinterpretation of scripture. The Bible speaks of the Holy Spirit dwelling within you and treating your body as a holy temple. Perhaps in later translations it states, “the Holy Spirit shall come to dwell on your person. Maybe you should provide a comfy chair and a big picture window with a cat sitting in it.”

(Of course, this is pure conjecture on my part as I don’t own a copy of the New Living Translation Bible.)

I know I have focused on women’s holiday sweaters in this post, but in conclusion I want to urge men, women and children alike to think long and hard before the Christmas card photo this year. One hundred years from now, is this how you want to be remembered by future generations?

No, I didn’t think so…

Those of you who have been following along at home since the early days of “Hey Look a Chicken” have probably already read the following important Public Service Announcement, but in these days of a declining economy when disposable income is either scarce or non-existent, I think a repost is in order. (That, and I’ve been really busy this week and didn’t have time to write a new post.)

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, but it bears repeating: Retail is for suckers.

Having said that, I feel I should share with you some cautionary advice about spending extended periods in stores that offer “designer brands at discount prices”. If you do not find the deal of a lifetime within the first 10 minutes, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! In your desperate attempt to find a bargain, often things that you wouldn’t give at the tackiest white elephant gift exchange somehow find their way into your shopping cart. If you are weak, shop with a buddy — preferably one who will bluntly tell you just how incredibly ugly that sunflower tea cozy really is. (If you’re in the Houston area, I am available at a nominal fee.)

Since a picture truly is worth a thousand words, I will give you some examples of what NOT to buy on your next shopping excursion.

In my exciting and rewarding career as a faux-paux painter, not only do I help my clients choose a color palette, help them with creative decorating solutions, and wipe God only knows what off of their baseboards, as an added service, I also am always on the lookout for decorative pieces that might fit with their decor. I have worked in a vast array of homes with a wide variety of decorative tastes. I have not, however, ever had the occasion to select anything like this:

(Then again, I’ve never painted for any missionary families.)

And while we’re on the subject of decorating, I have also painted a few fairly awesome beach themed rooms (if I do say so myself). Here’s the thing — if a child requests a surfing or beach theme, it is usually because he or she thinks it would be incredibly cool to have their friends hang out in said room. Resist the urge to buy every surfer themed item! Less is more. Besides, little statues like this do not scream, “I am cool”:

They scream, “I am as nerdy and as fish-belly white as Mr. Shorty Pants, here.”

With a name like “katdish” you would think that I would be all about the decorative cat accessories — and you would be wrong. I don’t dislike cats; I have a cat. But having a real cat (and the associated litter box) is really all I need. I’m not fond of the bumper sticker declaring my sworn loyalty to the Abyssinian, Persian or Siamese. Nor, would I ever own any of these items:

And frankly, if you have actual cats that resemble any of the ones pictured, shopping should be way down the list of problems you’ve yet to deal with. And speaking of pets, if you purchase a lead crystal dog bowl for your little four-legged friend, does the word “Spoiled” really need to be engraved on it, Captain Obvious?

The following items truly defy any logic. I can only loosely categorize them into “weird stuff you might put food into or perhaps frighten a small child with”:

While we’re on the topic of frightening, have you ever purchased a celebrity endorsed product? I’m not talking about something useful like a thigh master or a George Foreman grill. What I mean is, have you purchased an item with a celebrity’s likeness on the packaging? Nothing says, “You really should stay with your own children next Christmas, Uncle Phil” like a celebrity endorsed board game:

Do we have any Dr. Laura fans out there? If you have read all of Dr. Schlessinger’s books and listen to her radio program faithfully, yet still are not entirely convinced of what a pathetic loser you really are, perhaps you may be in need of some personal counseling via your very own Dr. Laura doll:

Not only is your favorite snarky psycho-therapist decked out in a fabulous lemon yellow pants suit, but if you politely and respectfully press the center button of her single breasted, designer jacket, she will speak to you in that oh-so condescending voice of hers. I know this to be true, because I do what I am told. And when I saw that little blue circle that says “Try Me”, I did just that. I’m not entirely certain what she said to me, as my actions coincided with an announcement on the intercom (“Clean up on Aisle 5”). But I’m pretty sure she called me a tramp.

I will close this post with a word of advice for readers of the female persuasion. When you are getting dressed in the morning and your husband gazes upon your backside, do you really want him reminded of Easter egg hunts from days gone by, and the “big one that got away”?

While I have been known to rock the granny panties on those days between “when the laundry should be done” and “when the laundry is actually done”, clearly this should not be a regular practice. Besides, they make an excellent tea cozy!

Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide Part 2 (Repost)

December 19, 2009 in Christmas,kids,me being silly,Sky Mall with 6 Comments

As we learned in the first installment of Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide, nothing exceeds like excess. And since Thanksgiving is now a distant memory, there’s no doubt that there are only a few among you who have yet to decorate your humble abodes in holiday splendor. Let us proceed with some clever gift ideas for everyone on your buying list this year.

For the Over-Indulgent Parent:

While phrases like, “It’s more important what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside” are all well and good for less attractive children, your little princess deserves only the very best! “Add an attractive and useful addition to your little girl’s room with this daisy pastel vanity. It is a perfect furniture for their make-up, brushes, barrettes and jewelries. It maximizes the space in their room while keeping their fashion accessories organized.” ($189.99)

Stuffed animals are a dime a dozen. If those tiny Webkins and Shining Star animals are all the rage, just imagine how grateful your kids will be when they see this bad boy under the tree! “Our gorgeous Giraffe makes a big statement. Featuring soft and cuddly plush and life-like features this beauty is sure to be family favorite for years to come. Featuring premium plush and an internal frame to keep upright. Giraffe filled with synthetic fibers. Size 22″l x 14″w x 59.5″h, Weight 12 lbs. Imported. (Age 3+)” (99.99)

Has your little train engineer grown tired of playing with his Thomas the Train railroad set? I mean, sure — buying the complete set may have put you back a few grand, but how can you put a price on childhood memories? Let him experience the thrill of riding the rails with his very own Lionel Pedal Train! Train includes all-steel construction, adjustable pedals, chrome bell, realistic locomotive sounds, padded seat, and beautiful finish. Ride-on maximum capacity of 100 lbs. Seat to pedal 16-19″. Size 46″l x 18″w x 25″h, Weight 39 lbs. Imported. (Age 2-6) Please note the weight limit of 100 lbs. — not recommended for fat kids. ($319.99)

Isn’t it cute when other parents brag about how their little Johnny got an “A” in science class? You could point out to them that their kid is in regular classes while yours is in the “gifted and talented” program, but that would be condescending. Just invite them over the next time your kid pulls out his Fuel Cell Car and Experiment. “Winner of the Silver Award from the Parents Choice Foundation, this experiment kit gives children a fun, hands-on way to discover fuel cells, one of the most significant technologies of the 21st century. This kit makes 30 distinct experiments, including a car that uses solar power and a fuel cell to separate water into hydrogen and oxygen by electrolysis, and then runs on the resulting energy. Experiments cover electrolysis and its effect on water, how to construct and load a reversible fuel cell, decomposition of water in a fuel cell, and many others. Contains all necessary parts, tools, and a lab manual (distilled water not included). Ages 12 and up. Made in Germany. 5-1/2″ H x 5″ W x 8″ L. (1 lb.)” ($149.95)

It’s tons of fun for kids to spend a day at the amusement park or water slide. But let’s face it, places like that are often frequented by some pretty undesirable folks. Why not let your kids enjoy the essence of the park without exposing them to the seedier elements of society?

Thrill Zone includes a bouncing area with netted sidewalls, a climbing wall with handles and footholds, a water slide with side rails, a pool at the slide landing, and a tunnel. Top arch with sprinkler system. Entrance ramp with Velcro closure. Durable PVC unit includes water bags and stakes for added stability, and a 110volt blower pump. 228″ L x 92″ W x 81″ H. Weight limit 100 lbs. per section (500 lbs. total).($699.99)

I can already hear some of you now, “Kat, I don’t have any human kids, aren’t you forgetting about our little four-legged variety?” Well, of course not! This next section is just for you.

For The Over-Indulgent Pet Owner

Since many reading this are now experiencing cold weather, it seems cruel to expect little Bella or Baxter to brave the elements just because they have to tinkle! Even those of us who are still enjoying milder weather would agree that taking a dog out in the humid, damp air would be disastrous to their newly coiffed and groomed coats! That’s why I love this next product, the Indoor Dog Restroom. This mat and tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can’t go outside for a respite. This ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to 2 gallons of liquid. Sure, to the casual observer it looks like a door mat on a cookie sheet, but you and I know better! ($149.95, replacement mat $64.95)

Don’t worry cat lovers, I haven’t forgotten you! How many times have you said to yourself, “That big, stinky litter box seems so crude! Doesn’t my cat deserve the dignity of using her very own toilet?” Well, of course she does! For hands-free cat box care, you can’t beat the Cat Genie. Just press a button and the world’s most advanced litter box flushes away cat waste, then washes, sanitizes and dries the entire area. You can even preset the controls to do it automatically every day. ($299.99)

We’ve covered a couple of products to make your favorite canine or feline feel like part of the family, but what about your fish? Don’t you imagine that they get kind of lonely way over on the back wall away from direct sunlight? Treat Bubbles to his new home right in the middle of the action with his very own Aqua Coffee Table. After all, fish have feelings too! ($529.95)

That conclude this edition of Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide. I know many of you are hankerin’ to go online and start your shopping, but wait…there’s more to come. For those of you who want to beat the Christmas rush on these items and choose to order today, make sure to tell them at Sky Mall that Katdish sent you…

On second thought, maybe you should leave my name out of it.