What does the above picture have to do with grocery shopping? I have no idea. But when I did a google search for “I hate grocery shopping”, this picture came up. So I figured I’d give this guy some mad peanut props. But I digress…
Here’s something else kind of space/time continuum-ey. When I went shopping Friday afternoon, I had no idea Beth was going to do a post about grocery shopping, nor did I know I would be doing a post about grocery shopping. That is, until I happened to come across a cheese display at the local grocery store. People, it’s not like I’m out looking for blog fodder everywhere I go (Okay, maybe I am just a little.), but tell me, is it’s just me?:
Seemingly gracious wine and cheese steward from this angle, right? Not so fast!
Am I the only person who thinks this guy isn’t wearing any pants? I have passed by this particular display countless times! Since I don’t drink wine and I think those particular type of crackers are fairly nasty, I never really paid much attention. But please, Kroger! There are CHILDREN at this grocery store!
That is just wrong on so many levels. After be ocularly accosted in the rear of the store (pun intended), I figured I had everything I wanted and some things I didn’t. I composed myself and went to the check out line, paid for my groceries and headed out to the parking lot. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, my phone rings. It is my husband calling. “Are you still at the grocery store?” This means one of two things: 1) “How much longer are you going to be?” or 2) “I forgot to ask you to get me some jelly beans.” On this day, it was the latter. I really didn’t feel like going back to the store, as I was still visibly shaken by the pornographic cheese buttler. But since Katdish = obedient wife, I turned the car around and went back to get 3 bags of Jolly Rancher jelly beans. (They are the best.) Obviously, I didn’t get a cart or a basket. I can manage 3 bags of jelly beans all by myself, thank you very much.
So guess what? They’re on sale. They are ordinarily $2.99 per bag, but the sale price was 3 for $5.00. I call dh to ask him how many bags I was supposed to buy. Yep — six. “Oh, and by the way, we also need Cheetos, saltine crackers and tortilla chips.” Great! As if I don’t already look like a big enough tool walking around with 6 large bags of jelly beans. Might as well go for broke.
No, I do not heart grocery shopping — not even a little bit. But the candy aisle was somewhat educational. Have you heard about the new m&m special dark chocolate candies?
I always thought that because they were shiny looking, they were INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED in foil. And seriously…who has that kind of time? But no! You EAT the shiny part:
Yeah. Still not so sure about that. But to end on a positive note, guess what they were selling in the bakery? (Cue the angelic, cherub choir.) Chocolate chip pumpkin muffin tops! Yum-O!
Now, that there is a muffin top I can give truly get behind.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but what is your blog about? Would it fit into a defined category? The kind they want you to use for those search engine thingies? If you are new to this blog, what would you say it’s about? If you figure it out, please share. I’d love to know.
Here’s what I’ve figure out: There are some incredibly gifted writers out there; able to convey concepts, ideas, visions, insight, humor and wisdom within some beautifully painted word pictures. Once in a great while, I can get within the ballpark of that realm, but mostly not. The words just travel out of my mind, down my arms, through my fingertips and into the blogosphere. I always have an idea what I’m going to write about, but the end result is sometimes completely different than what I had conceptualized. This is why I usually have 5 or 6 google docs in various stages on completion. Admittedly, I write a pretty high ratio of ridiculous crap, but there’s something very liberating about writing this blog. My reader profile is undefined. I’m not writing to entertain or persuade any particular group of people. I just write. I try to be responsible and mostly unoffensive, but, like my friend Stacy from Louisville likes to say, “I have standards, I just forgot where I put them.”
While lately it seems that some of my fellow bloggers have reduced the number of posts they write in a week, I seem to have increased the number I write. It’s not like I’m racking my brain to figure out what to write about. Stuff just seems to be presenting itself to write. While some might be said to be suffering from blogstipation, I have the opposite affliction: bloggerrhea. Will it last? I don’t know. But I’m not going to fight it. I’m just going to write. Sorry/You’re welcome.
Hey, peeps! My kiddo is performing at Sea World today. Actually, his choir is performing – he doesn’t have mad water skiing skillz or anything like that. Anyway, one of the judges will be accompanying me on the trip, cuz her daughter is also performing. Therefore, I am extending the deadline until whenever I get back. This should be sometime tonight. In the meantime, let me remind you that still in the running are: Jake, Tony C., Rrramone, Nick the Geek, Helen, and of course, the odds on favorite: Beth!
I don’t need to tell you how skanktacular this particular prize package is. Clearly, you recognize quality, as witnessed by your loyalty to this blog! AHEM…
And now….(drum roll) here is the next group for your consideration:
Yes, Virginia there is a Skank Fairy: Greetings from the Magical Land of Miscellaneous!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen! Not only do you get two beautiful stars from the blockbuster hit “Bratz Fashion Pixies!”, you also get two silver butterfly hair clips, a creepy little blue fairy, an extra skirt, wand AND a stereo radio worth literally hundreds of pennies!
I know you’re saying to yourselves, “How could she possibly offer such a fine prize package in such desperate economic times as these?!” But wait…there’s more!
You also will receive four cake topper bratz dolls, suitable for even the youngest wanna-be prostitot! (I realize that it is difficult to see in this picture, but trust me – the one on the far left has a precious expression that seems to say, “Oh no you di-ent!”, and the one on the far right bears a striking resemblance to BonQuiQui). Plus, a tiny pillow that says “Pamper Me”, a fuzzy bratz chiuaua with bobble head and all the accessories, and of course the removable pixie wings.
I know the competition will be extra tough this week. Please…no wagering! In the meantime, be thinking about possible graduation gifts for a certain young college blogger whose likeness will be up for grabs next week!
So, apparently I’m in a bit of a non-conformity/skanktinicity groove lately. I’ll shake the skanky thing as soon as I get the rest of those Bratz dolls out of my house. BTW – If you don’t want me to send the leftover dolls and feet to our good friend Beth, you should probably take a bullet for her and enter the contest. I think I’ve gotten her pretty worked up about that — mostly because she knows I’ll do it without blinking an eye.
Stacy from Louisville is still disqualified, but may claim her giant ball of dryer lint at any time. You many enter as often as you want. These make lovely gifts for friends and loved ones and will be beautifully gift wrapped in an empty Fancy Feast cat food box and shipped directly at no extra charge. Deadline for Slutty Girlz Rock Band featuring Miss Amy Winehouse is this Saturday at 9:00 AM Central time. Here’s a sneak peek at this week’s group and the next two prize extravaganzas to follow:
This week:
Next week:
And the grand finale:
As with last week’s contest, I will not be judging. I really don’t want to have to make such an important, potentially life altering decision for one of you lucky contestants. Ron, Tamara and Jeff will continue to judge the contest. Good luck to you all. Especially you, Beth! AHEM!
Now, back to my groove thing:
What I will never (hopefully) shake is the non-conformity groove. I’m a half-breed freak. As a kid, I thought that if only I had blond hair and blue eyes happiness would be mine. I used to put tape on my eyelids and look in the mirror to see how I would look if I was “normal”. I’m way past that now (mostly). Normal is boring. Normal doesn’t build character. Normal isn’t funny. And seriously…these days, what is considered normal anyway? (Sorry — little tangent there.)
As I may have mentioned before, I am not very techno-savvy. Fortunately, freaks tend to befriend geeks, so if I can’t figure something out, there is always someone who can save me from my ignorance. I don’t have texting on my phone. When I first saw “LOL” on a website comment, I thought it meant “lots of love”. I was thinking, “Wow, that person REALLY liked that article!” I am also a dork.
And, of course, since everyone else uses this term, that automatically negates my use of it and any other text abbreviation. I just can’t go there — Talk to the hand! (again – dork)
Lately, it seems everyone’s been using the sideways happy face or some version of it in their comments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on the smiley face, I’m just not going to use any emoticons in my comments…Oh, well — except maybe this one:
( I ) – yes sherri. that is a butt.
Editor’s Note: I just proofread this post and laughed out loud when I re-read “I’ll shake the skanky thing”. I crack myself up. Sometimes not even on purpose. Whoa…this post was like blowing up a balloon really full and then letting go — all over place! Sorry/you’re welcome.
What do all these things add up to? The final day at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, Silly! If you have never attended this extravaganza, people – YOU ARE MISSING OUT! As I type this post, I can almost guarantee that I will poke fun at many of the things I have observed this year and in years past, but before I do that, I want you to know I think this event does Houston proud each and every year. I am not a fan of country and western music (for the most part), nor am I a fan of the huge crowds that this event attracts every year. Even though people watching is a highlight: People watching at the rodeo is akin to people watching the at the mall a week before Christmas: you see a bit of everything.
The reason I support this event despite my slight distaste for some of the things it represents is this – The livestock show provides millions of dollars in college scholarship money for kids who have proven themselves responsible (and in financial need) by caring for and raising everything from chickens to cows – with every imaginable farm animal in between. Despite the pomp and circumstance associated with the event, it really is all about those kids. An event that actually rewards hard work and sacrifice. Go figure…
But enough about them. Let me tell you about my experience yesterday. I begin by telling you that we did not attend the carnival (with lots of very cool rides), the exhibition hall (with all the award winning livestock and cool educational stuff), or the shopping (with everything imaginable available for purchase – not just tacky, rhinestone encrusted clothing that most drag queens wouldn’t be caught dead in).
The doors to Reliant Stadium opened at 3:15 PM. Since we arrived early to beat the traffic (obviously, I was not driving), Ron found a bathroom while perused the gift shop; not to actually buy any of that tacky crap, but to take pictures with my camera phone. I’m always thinking of you, my dear reader. You’re welcome. Three guesses as to what this is:
(Hint – it is NOT the love child of Frosty the Snowman and The Berenstein Bears). Give up? It’s a sheep. Wha-huh? Apparently some sheep don’t have ears. That’s just weird. ($8.11)(?!) Okay, here’s another one:
Now, if you live in Houston, you probably know that this is Howdy, the ten gallon hat and boot wearing “H” present at every rodeo. ($2.99) Howdy, Howdy! Now here’s a news flash. Chuckie is alive and well, living in Houston as part of the Federal Witness Protection Program: Oh, sure…he’s cleaned up his act a bit. But I never turned my back on him!
This post is already getting pretty long, so I’ll move on…
I could say much about the wide variety of um…fashion choices displayed at the rodeo. Most notably the more scantily clad cowgirls — imagine a hooker convention on “Go Texan” day. If I had to sum up the most disturbing outfits in two words, it would be this: Denim Cameltoe. Enough said (perhaps too much).
One of the perks of being in a position where you purchase oil and gas related equipment is that you get offered lots of free tickets — especially to the rodeo. The face value of the tickets we had were $77.00 each. This price covered a free parking pass right up front, the closest seats possible to the rodeo (we literally had dirt kicked on us by some of the horses), and access to an area that provided an open bar, free Hors d’oeuvres (pronounced “horse-doovers” by me or “whores-divores” by my dh), ice cream, candy, chips, peanuts, nachos, water and soft drinks. Even though my dh and I don’t drink, it was interesting to see how often people went back to the bar. (Hint – A LOT!)
The above picture was taken during what is called the “Grand Entry”. This is where major contributors mount horses and/or horse drawn carriages and parade around in the dirt in a big circle. I refer to this as the “People who could buy and sell you 3 times over wearing starched blue jeans and endangered species boots parade around on horses parade”. But in the interest of brevity, I suppose “Grand Entry” is a good choice.
On every day other than the closing day, you will see a bunch of rodeo stuff – calf roping, bareback riding, etc. But on the last day, there is only two events: the calf scramble:(This is awesome, btw. Kids running around attempting to tackle a bunch of calves, roping them, and then dragging them into a big square in the middle of the arena.) They might be baby cows, but they’re pretty doggone strong!
And the main event: Xtreme Bull Riding!
There is one thing that all these young men have in common: THEY ARE NUTS! But there are also some other similarities. To be a professional bull rider, your name is very important. Having a name that begins with “C” or the letter “J” is pretty important: Colin, Cody, Clayton, Cooper, Clayton, Cody, Chad, Colby, Cory, Jarrod, Jesse, Jake, Jason, Jay. or J.W. If you are not so fortunate, you should employ the use of your middle name: Danny Ted McDowell, Bobby Loren Welsh, Seth Thomas Glause, Michael Ray Moore or Tyler L. Johnston. If you have a child that you feel is destined to ride bulls, you should choose a name like B. J., Bandy, Stormy, Spud, Tate(r) and, of course Howdy Cloud. Would you buy life insurance from a guy named Howdy Cloud? Me thinks not. There were also some other guys named Steve, Fred, Douglas, Shawn and Wesley, but the bulls threw them off way before the 8 second buzzer. Favorite bull names: Funky Colemedina, Dirty White Bull, Snortin’ Horton, Hot Diggity Damn and The Geetus (love that!). The winner? B.J. Schumacher. But all those dudes were tough! Favorite line from the announcers? “Roping that bull was harder than getting Rosie O’Donnell to leave ‘The View'”.
I won’t bore you while I wax poetic about how fantastic ZZ Top was (they were). I dig those guys –especially considering the fact that jamming out to Jesus just left Chicago was the closest thing to worship music I knew in the 80’s, but I digress… I did want to share a picture that Todd Owyoung has graciously allowed me to use – check out Frank Beard’s drum kit! (By the way, you should totally check out his blog – his concert pictures are amazing.)Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard: All 59 years old Houston boys, and still rockin!
Last week, when I posted The ABC’s of crap in my purse, I promised a non-girly post containing fart humor and/or gratuitous violence. A promise is a promise. For your viewing pleasure, I give you Gas Right Strips:
and Ren and Stimpy:
You’re welcome.
Contest deadline for Super Skanktacular Saturday Giveaway – Week One is tomorrow at 9:00 AM central time. Later that day, the winner will be revealed and a new group of saucy plastic wenches will be introduced. I have disqualified Stacy from Louisville because she would only give them away on her blog. I do, however have a very nice alternative item that I would be willing to donate for one of her fabulous giveaways. Details tomorrow…
Okay, okay…I know I said I had reached my self-imposed limit on ridiculous blogs posts for the week, but this is different. I’m giving away free stuff! To celebrate the fact that I have FINALLY convinced my daughter to get rid of a certain collection of dolls that I’m not very fond of, for the next few Saturdays, I will be giving away groupings of them.
Here’s the deal: In the comments section or via email (katdishrich@gmail.com), convince me how much you want these lovely little dolls and accessories pictured. Leave a caption, tell a story, make me laugh! I’m not going to judge the contest, because I don’t want to have to decide. So, I’ll probably ask Jeff, Tamara and my husband Ron to pick a winner. Special consideration will be given to those who link this post to other blogs authors who have never read this blog. Come on, spread the love that is Hey Look A Chicken! Ready? Let’s do this thing!
Super Skanktacular Saturday Giveaway No. 1:
The Kardashian Sisters Collection:
What better way to kick off this contest than dolls representing Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian? Surely these ladies represent all things Skanktacular!
Come on, people. You gotta admit, the resemblance is uncanny! You will also receive 3 additional skanky outfits:
Contest deadline next Saturday, 9:00 AM central time. At that time, I will also reveal the next group of dolls: “Slutty Girlz Rock Band!” Good Luck!
EDITOR”S NOTE: Annoying mother and bail money not included.
UPDATE: I realize many of you are saying, “Sure, those dolls are Skankalicious, but I really don’t have a need for them.” I am also willing to send these dolls to a friend, beautifully gift wrapped in an empty Fancy Feast cat food box, with gift card included. The longer these things are in my house, the more likelihood that my daughter will change her mind! Enter early, enter often!
Okay, ya’ll. I think I’m at my self imposed limit of ridiculous posts for the week. However, I have no such limitations over at The Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants. Here’s a sample of what’s over there:
If you’ve never visited the smartypants blog, well, hmm….I’m not sure what to tell you. Imagine a blog with a bunch of contributors who would hang out with me. Scary, I know…
Disclaimer: Yes, that is a pricey Fossil purse with paint on it. But in my defense, it was a gift from my sister. She feels sorry for me because I have chosen to live a life devoid of overpriced accessories, so she buys me expensive purses, Pandora bracelets with coordinating overpriced beads to go with, and other fancy stuff for Christmas and birthdays. I had no idea how much that purse costs until I went to get one without paint on it. After pricing them, I decided my purse had character. I bet no one else in town has a chocolate brown Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag (don’t think I didn’t have to do a Google image search to figure out what kind of purse it is) with off-white trim paint strategically dabbed on the credit card zipper pouch. Katdish: trendsetter(CHECK!)
I’m really liking Twitter. There. I said it. (How’s that for a segue, huh?) Now, I’ll also say this: my friend Steph at the Red Clay Diaries was right. Yeah, Steph. You guilted me into it, but I’m glad I came around. It’s really opened up a whole new world of Internet peeps for me, and as you all know, I don’t spend nearly enough time on the computer. For example, this chick named Mandy Thompson started following me. So I go check out her twitter page and her blog. Turns out, she’s just like me, except that she’s an incredibly gifted musician and is cool. She thinks I’m cool, too. But let’s not let that cat out of the bag just yet. She’ll figure out what a dork I am sooner or later.
Anyway, Mandy recently wrote a post dedicated to stuff in her purse. It looked really professional with corresponding letters to the stuff all nicely laid out. There was a purpose for everything she had in there. Contrast that to Steph’s post awhile back about stuff in her purse. Which is waaayyyy closer to what is in my purse. As it should be, as we are the same person, just in the alternate universes of Texas and Georgia. But I digress…
I really liked the way Mandy lettered the items. So, in attempt to copy her (cuz she’s cool), I attempted to do the same with the items in my purse. You would think that someone who actually paints murals and custom artwork as a trade would be able to use the paintbrush function on her computer. And you would be wrong. Painting with a mouse is nothing like painting with a paintbrush. I pretty much suck at it. But still, it took me a long time to designate letters to items from my purse in no particular order, so I’m going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the ABC’s of crap in my purse:
A) Rudy the cat. He is not now, nor has he ever been in my purse. B) My second Blackberry. I upgraded from my first Blackberry when my dh decided he needed an iPhone. Some people never get a brand new car. I never get a brand new PDA. (Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I dig it.) C) My business cards, “Ragamuffin Child Interiors” I realize the “child” part is redundant, as the definition of a ragamuffin is “a shabbily dressed child”. But would you hire a painter whose company name is “A shabbily dressed child Interiors”? Me thinks not. D) Large stack of random receipts. I think it’s important to keep receipts. Why? Because my husband says so. E) Pens that I can never find, but have obviously always been in there. F) Giveaway mirror from my old church. G) Oil blotting sheets. People, I am very shiny! Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room. (You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.) H) Orbit gum – I tease Pete Wilson about chewing gum during interviews, but I’m a fairly prolific gum chewer myself. (Don’t tell him I said that.) I) Eye wetting drops from when I had lasik surgery a year ago. Hey, you never know. J) Broken pieces from a cheap tic tac toe game that my daughter asked me to hold for her last month. K) No-slip ponytail holder. I swear by those, especially if you have thick hair. L) Leftover nail glue and orange stick that I used to apply Lee press-on nails to my ugly man-hands whist attending Catalyst One Day in Alpharetta, GA. M) Several tubes of lipstick that I almost never wear. Also, one of them is a highlighter. N) A Speert purse hook. You set the square part down on the edge of a table, and then you can hook your purse on it. Another fancy gift from my sympathetic sister. I’ve used it once: the day she gave it to me at lunch. O) Bed, Bath & Beyond and Linens n’ Things 20% coupons. You never know when you’ll need to buy someone a Snuggie. (I know LNT is out of business – I threw it away.) P) A bulletin from a church where we guest-led worship a couple of Sundays ago. (Okay, it was mid-January. Are you beginning to see a trend here?) Q) Business account checkbook. R) A bag of gourmet coffee that they were giving out at Catalyst One Day. S) A bag of airline pretzels. T) A foil pack of Gas-X. (I know, I know — TMI.) U) A copy of “Making your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other People’s Blogs” by Wordy McTypesalot. You never know when someone’s going to ask you for your autograph. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but I’m ready! V) Wallet by “The Sack”. I love that wallet, but I don’t keep any credit cards or ID in there. It’s basically a fancy junk drawer for my purse. I’m pretty sure Waldo’s in there. W) Credit card zipper pouch where I actually keep my credit cards and ID. Incidentally, I almost never use credit cards. I should take most of those out of there and put them in my wallet. X) Huh….apparently, there is no “X”. But I’m not redoing that picture! (Man, I hope Angela doesn’t read this. That will drive her nuts! I swear, Angela; I did not do that on purpose this time.) Y) Tres muchos denaro. (Dang. I’m practically bilingual!) Z) Correct change for nothing in particular.
I suppose my purse (and the center console in my Jeep) are very much like this:
To my guy readers. Sorry. I hope you didn’t get any girl cooties while reading this post. I’ll try to write a post with some fart humor and/or gratuitous violence to make up for this one.
Wow. That was a really long post about the contents of my purse. I’m actually kind of embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to publish it. (Hit “publish post”.)
No. I’m not on the outs with my hubby. “Dave” is my new laptop table, silly! You might be thinking, “She names her furniture? That’s weird even for katdish.” The thing is, IKEA (pronounced, “eye-eek-kee” by my Japanese mother, but I digress) named my laptop table. You would think that a laptop table from IKEA would have a name like FREDRIK, or HANNES, or GUSTAV, or LUDVIG, with annoying special characters over the vowels. Incidentally, those are all actual names of computer work stations available from IKEA. (And you thought I didn’t research my blog posts. Humph!) But no, in a sea of snotty Euro trash workstations, there sat Dave. Quiet, unassuming little Dave. For $29.99, I knew my purchase of him would be the start of a beautiful friendship:
While I’m thinking about it, I should tell you that shopping at IKEA on a Saturday is a pretty dumb thing to do, unless you have a burning desire to shop shoulder to shoulder with lots of other people and then wait in a long line to check out behind a couple of guys who are stocking up to go into the restuarant business and in front of a woman who decides she really doesn’t want the pillows that her infant son has drenched with drool. But once again, I digress…
Once I was finally home, Dave was assembled within minutes. He was everything I had hoped for and more:
This is Dave in his new home: my quiet little retreat I like to call “my studio”. I’ve only written one post on him, but I look forward to many more. Some of you might be saying, “But what about Planky? He has been there for you from the start! Are you going to abandon your loyal friend after so many months of loyal service?” No, peeps. Alas, I am typing on Planky as we speak:
I still love Planky. I like to type on him when my hubby is home because while I’m not sitting next to him, at least I can see him while he’s in his office. We’re all one, big happy family!
BTW – That is my cat Rudy in the picture. And no, his eyes don’t actually shine like tiny orbs of evilness. Here’s how he usually looks:
