Hey, peeps! My kiddo is performing at Sea World today. Actually, his choir is performing – he doesn’t have mad water skiing skillz or anything like that. Anyway, one of the judges will be accompanying me on the trip, cuz her daughter is also performing. Therefore, I am extending the deadline until whenever I get back. This should be sometime tonight. In the meantime, let me remind you that still in the running are: Jake, Tony C., Rrramone, Nick the Geek, Helen, and of course, the odds on favorite: Beth!
I don’t need to tell you how skanktacular this particular prize package is. Clearly, you recognize quality, as witnessed by your loyalty to this blog! AHEM…
And now….(drum roll) here is the next group for your consideration:
Yes, Virginia there is a Skank Fairy:
Greetings from the Magical Land of Miscellaneous!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen! Not only do you get two beautiful stars from the blockbuster hit “Bratz Fashion Pixies!”, you also get two silver butterfly hair clips, a creepy little blue fairy, an extra skirt, wand AND a stereo radio worth literally hundreds of pennies!
And the grand finale:
Now, back to my groove thing:
What I will never (hopefully) shake is the non-conformity groove. I’m a half-breed freak. As a kid, I thought that if only I had blond hair and blue eyes happiness would be mine. I used to put tape on my eyelids and look in the mirror to see how I would look if I was “normal”. I’m way past that now (mostly). Normal is boring. Normal doesn’t build character. Normal isn’t funny. And seriously…these days, what is considered normal anyway? (Sorry — little tangent there.)
As I may have mentioned before, I am not very techno-savvy. Fortunately, freaks tend to befriend geeks, so if I can’t figure something out, there is always someone who can save me from my ignorance. I don’t have texting on my phone. When I first saw “LOL” on a website comment, I thought it meant “lots of love”. I was thinking, “Wow, that person REALLY liked that article!” I am also a dork.
And, of course, since everyone else uses this term, that automatically negates my use of it and any other text abbreviation. I just can’t go there — Talk to the hand! (again – dork)
Lately, it seems everyone’s been using the sideways happy face or some version of it in their comments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on the smiley face, I’m just not going to use any emoticons in my comments…Oh, well — except maybe this one:
When I say, “It’s Book Review Wednesday!”, what I mean to say is that I am reviewing a book, and it happens to be Wednesday. As a very profound person once said, “The creative spirit cannot be enslaved by the oppressive chains of reason and logical thinking.” (Who said that? Oh, yeah…it was me.) And by “review”, what I mean to say is that I highly recommend this book, because it’s flippin’ hilarious. (End of review.)
I will now share with you a brief passage which I hope that you will appreciate as much as I have. More so now than when I first read the book, considering that I have recently had some of the very same thoughts and conversations that Ms. Rivenbark writes about.
The princess had just graduated to a size 7 when everything went to sh*t. We headed for our favorite department store, ready to take that leap into the new world of 7-16. Bye-bye, 4-6X, I thought to myself with a tug of sadness. My baby was growing up.
And apparently into a prostitute.
“Where are the sevens?” I asked the sixty-something clerk who wore here glasses on a chain just like me.
“You’re standing in ’em,” she said.
Oh, no, I thought, looking around. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. “There must be some mistake,” I said. “These are, well, slutty-looking. I’m talking about clothes for a little girl in the first grade.”
“That’s all we got.”
“But these look like things a hooker would wear!”
She smiled sadly. “You have no idea how many times I hear that every day.”
Okay, breathe. This is just some weird marketing experiment. Right?
I went to my second-favorite department store and was invited to peruse the awfulness that is Tweenland! A better name would have been Lil Skanks!
Sequins, fringe, neon glitter tank tops with big red lips on them, fishnet sleeves, scary dragon faces lunging from off-the-shoulder T-shirts. Whither the adorable seersucker? The pastel floral short sets? The soft cotton dresses in little-girl colors like lavender, pale pink, periwinkle blue? This stuff practically screamed SYRINGE SOLD SEPARATELY!
I get it. Now that my kid is practically of childbearing age (is six the new seventeen?) I must choose from ripped-on-purpose jeans and T-shirts that scream things like BABY DOLL and JAIL BAIT, not to mention a rather angry GIRLS RULE AND BOYS DROOL! where an embroidered flower with buzzing bee should be.
When did this happen? Who decided that my six-year-old should dress like a Vegas show girl? And one with an abundance of anger issues at that?
And why are parents buying this junk fashioned from cheesy fabrics that surely leave your dryer’s lint filter full of glitter and fuzzy sequined balls?
I hope you won’t take this the wrong way–you, the mom on the cell phone flipping your check card to your kid so she can buy the jeans that say SPANK ME on them –buy you’re going down, b*tch.
No, really. I’m taking you out, putting you on notice, slapping some sense into your sorry *ss.
And speaking of dressing your six year old like a skank, has anyone seen this show on TLC? It literally makes me want to hunt some of these parents down and beat them to a bloody pulp! (In Christian love, of course. Always in love…)
Okay, okay…I know I said I had reached my self-imposed limit on ridiculous blogs posts for the week, but this is different. I’m giving away free stuff! To celebrate the fact that I have FINALLY convinced my daughter to get rid of a certain collection of dolls that I’m not very fond of, for the next few Saturdays, I will be giving away groupings of them.
Here’s the deal: In the comments section or via email (firstname.lastname@example.org), convince me how much you want these lovely little dolls and accessories pictured. Leave a caption, tell a story, make me laugh! I’m not going to judge the contest, because I don’t want to have to decide. So, I’ll probably ask Jeff, Tamara and my husband Ron to pick a winner. Special consideration will be given to those who link this post to other blogs authors who have never read this blog. Come on, spread the love that is Hey Look A Chicken! Ready? Let’s do this thing!
Super Skanktacular Saturday Giveaway No. 1:
Contest deadline next Saturday, 9:00 AM central time. At that time, I will also reveal the next group of dolls: “Slutty Girlz Rock Band!” Good Luck!
EDITOR”S NOTE: Annoying mother and bail money not included.
UPDATE: I realize many of you are saying, “Sure, those dolls are Skankalicious, but I really don’t have a need for them.” I am also willing to send these dolls to a friend, beautifully gift wrapped in an empty Fancy Feast cat food box, with gift card included. The longer these things are in my house, the more likelihood that my daughter will change her mind! Enter early, enter often!