Katdish.net

Are you a mentally disturbed dictator of a third-world country who has amassed a fortune off the blood and toil of the people you’ve ruled with an iron fist, and yet you feel your decor lacks a certain je ne sais quoi?

Well, my friend, today is your lucky day.

The fine folks at the newly formed Gaddafi Couture is now offering many beautiful, one of a kind products that would be perfect additions to your home and wardrobe. And why not get a head start on that arduous Christmas shopping season with items sure to impress even the most hard to please person on your shopping list?

As I’m sure you’re aware, clothes really do make the man. Being a dictator requires that you display an aura of power, and nothing says I’m in control of things like a giant, fancy military hat. Preferably a couple sizes too large.

Gadhafi power hat

(Sceptre, gold chain, insulated lunch bag and large clump of human hair sold separately)

But being a crazy dictator isn’t all work and no play. Sometimes you just want to dress up and feel pretty. Gaddafi Couture offers a wide array of colorful robes, hats and accessories. Whether you’re entertaining foreign dignitaries, having a night out on the town or publicly threatening a world super power, they have the perfect outfit for every occasion.

Clothes make the man

And speaking of foreign dignitaries, how about that beautiful Condoleezza Rice? She’s smart, she’s pretty. She’s all that and a bag of chips! Impress your friends and enemies with a collection of personal photographs of everyone’s favorite former Secretary of State.

Who loves Condi? You do!

Your friends will be beyond impressed!

It’s a never ending game of one-up-manship keeping up with the Chavez’s (or Jong-il’s or Castros) isn’t it? You lose sleep wondering who’s currently got the largest number of people under their rule or who’s got the biggest statue erected in their honor. Oh sure, Mao Zedong may have the United States in his back pocket, but tell me this: Does he have a solid gold mermaid couch?:

Gold mermaid couch

No. I didn’t think so.

In countries all over the world, collectively known as “not the United States of America”, soccer, or “football except in the United States” is the most popular sport since the Roman Empire fed Christians to the lions. Gaddafi Couture has a large collection of soccer balls to give to your many children and grandchildren. Or, you know, whoever…

For those among you with only the most discriminating taste, Gaddafi Couture offers for a very limited time the Commemorative Muammar-head soccer ball. Operators are standing by:

These are just a few of the thousands of items now available through Gaddafi Couture, and rather than attempt to show them all, we have created a very special all inclusive shopping spree. Included in this package is a first class round trip ticket on Air Libya, which will fly you into the heart of Tripoli.

Airplane

Once you’ve landed in Libya’s capitol, you will be whisked away by our friendly armed guards who will accompany you while you shop and browse to your heart’s content:

The green room

miscellaneous

See you at the compound!

Ah, dear readers (and the rest of you), it’s been way too long since I’ve perused the pages of the wonderful world of the Sky Mall catalog! Who says America is in a horrible economic mess? Pish-posh says the fine folks at the Sky Mall. They have hundreds of products to spend your boat loads of disposable income on!

And who better (besides yourself, of course) to spend all that money on than man’s best friend? Does your dog’s bed have “old world ethnic charm”? I know mine doesn’t…

Notice the shame? The humiliation associated with sleeping on a dog bed without “old world ethnic charm”?

Why put your pampered pooch through that kind of stress when for a mere $349.99 plus shipping and handling you can provide all that “old world ethnic charm” with the Makati dog bed?:

The Makati Dog Bed will add old world ethnic charm to your home with the intricate scroll work and distressed Walnut finish on this wood bed. These furniture style dog beds are made from the finest furniture grade materials that include solid wood and exotic wood veneers. Each bed includes an ultra plush cushion covered in upholstery grade, durable, neutral-colored fabric. Your pet will lounge in comfort and style with the Makati Furniture Style Dog Bed!

And as any dog owner knows, off-white is an excellent color choice for a dog bed!

Don’t worry, cat lovers, I’ve also found something for your feline friend. How many of you keep your cat’s litter box in the guest bathroom? Sort of embarrassing when guests come over, isn’t it? Well, no more, thanks to the Kitty Washroom Cabinet for only $99.98.

Hide the messy litter box inside this handsome piece that instantly enhances the look of your bath, kitchen or laundry room. Designed with wainscoting in a clean white finish, it has a 7″x 8″ portal for kitty. The front swings open like a door so you can easily scoop or change the litter. Two shelves offer added storage and display space; the stainless steel bar gives you a convenient place to hang your scoop.

Most of your guests probably won’t even realize there’s a litter box in there. Except for maybe the overwhelming stench of cat urine and feces. If this seems troublesome to you, why not get rid of the litter box all together with the Cat Toilet Training System for only $49.99:

The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn’t matter and it works in multiple cat households too. This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets. Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.

No more worries about litter box odor! Of course, I’m pretty sure seeing a cat pooping on a toilet is one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse, but I could be wrong about that…

And speaking of toilets, are there ever any heated discussions around your house about the menfolk forgetting to put the toilet seat down? Technology has come to your rescue, my friend.

Introducing the Sensor Toilet Seat, $159.99:

A toilet seat that automatically raises and lowers the seat Some men have a hard time remembering to put the toilet seat down after use. Now the Touchless Sensor Toilet Seat is good news for your household. It raises the lid automatically as you approach the toilet. Wave a hand over it one more time and the seat rises. Then both the lid and seat close automatically 15 seconds after you step away. The unit is easy to install and because it’s touchless, it helps prevent germs and bacteria from spreading.

Once less thing to argue about. That’s worth 160 bucks plus shipping and handling, no? (Note: Not recommended to be used in conjunction with the Cat Toilet Training System.)

I don’t know about you, but around here summertime means looking for things for the kids to do. There are trips to the library, the swimming pool and the occasional trip to the mall or a movie, but sometimes I wish my kids would just go outside in the fresh air and play. When I was a kid, the great outdoors didn’t have to compete with non-stop programming via the satellite dish. But alas, nowadays there’s always something on television. Why go outside for entertainment when you can be entertained in the comfort of your own home? Now the folks at Sky Mall bring you the best of both worlds:

This 55″ all-weather outdoor rated HD LCD television lets you enjoy your favorite entertainment while soaking up the tranquility of the great outdoors. Engineered for permanent outdoor installation, the TV is designed to withstand rain, snow, dust, insects and extreme temperatures. It’s perfect for sharing a romantic comedy while lounging in the spa, catching every second of the game while grilling steaks and its completely at home mounted on watercraft. The anti-reflective and scratch-resistant screen increases contrast and makes for crystal clear viewing.

Oh sure, at $6,995.99 it’s a bit pricy, but can you really put a price on fresh air and sunshine for your children? Me thinks not.

As we come to the end of this umpteenth installment of the Sky Mall shopping guide, I’m afraid this humble blogger has found one product that I cannot in good conscience recommend:

Removes unwanted moles, warts and skin tags! Dermatend is a breakthrough all-natural mole, wart and skin tag remover that’s safe to use in the privacy of your own home. Unlike surgery, you won’t be left with unsightly scars or a large doctor bill. And best of all, it’s guaranteed! Dermatend permanently removes all your unwanted moles, warts, and skin tags quickly and easily. Boost your self-esteem, improve your looks, and finally get rid of all those pesky skin problems! All extra strength DermaTend’s include a free healing balm which helps speed the removal process giving you the best results possible. Extra Strength DermaTend with free Healing Balm Removes 15 moles, warts and skin tags.

Please, people. If you have a mole the size of a pencil eraser on your face

Skip the DermaTend lotion and go see a dermatologist.

This concludes the summer edition of the Sky Mall Shopping Extravaganza. Operators are standing by to take your orders. Tell them katdish sent you.

On second thought, better leave my name out of it. Happy Sky Malling!

Here we are at Katdishionary Part 7. Who knew I could stretch this series out into such a never-ending fountain of blog fodder? Well, I did, actually. Because I dig made up words. In case you missed the first six installments, you can find them here:

The Katdish Dictionary Part One
Katdishionary Part Two
Katdishionary Part Three
Katdishionary Part Four
Katdishionary Part Five
Katdishionary Part Six

And now, on with the Katdishionary:

As you know, I love the twitter! Oh sure, it abounds with annoying “social media experts” and spambots who try to ruin everyone else’s fun, but I don’t follow those types. I mostly only follow cool, real, live people who actually interact with one another. If I were one to make words beginning with “tw”, I would say it’s “twitterrific”! But I’m not. So I won’t. Anyway, today’s group of words are all from buddies on twitter. And by “buddies” I mean they are in my column labeled “Buddies”. Are you in this column? Don’t know do ya? Okay, if I talk to you on a regular basis, you are.

Skymalladocious (pronounced sky-mall-a-doe-shush)

Definition: A term used to describe one of my epic Sky Mall posts as being “docious”. I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing. Not exactly sure. Perhaps Mr. Young will comment and either confirm or deny this.

Origin: Glynn Young of Faith, Fiction and Friends used this term when tweeting my post,
Backyard Oasis courtesy of the Sky Mall, Part One. Incidentally, this was the first of three in the series. If you haven’t read them, you might want to check them out. They’re skymalladocious! Or so I’ve been told…

Katrant (pronounced kat-rant)

Definition: A term used to describe my state of mind when I rant incessantly. What makes me rant incessantly? Martha Stewart, rude anonymous comments, the girl scouts, Halloween costumes, collectibles, Petsmart, Christian retail, The Giving Tree, prosperity gospel, pajama-grams, Ricky Martin keychains, exploiting the homeless, pizza, and the prayer cross, just to name a few.

I have issues, people!

(Incidentally, if you care to read any of my incessant ranting posts, just search “incessant ranting”, because I’m not going to link all of them. I don’t have that kind of time.)

Origin: Heather from The Extraordinary Ordinary whist expressing her anticipation of the next rant, or “katrant” as she called it.

Connectinator (pronounced con-nek-ti-na-tor)

Definition: Someone who connects people or groups of people to new people or new groups of people. Sort of like a Connector as described in Malcom Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point, only more intense, obsessive and adorably annoying.

Origin: Stephanie Wetzel of The Red Clay Diaries juxtiposing my description of her as a “connector” on twitter. Here’s a play by play of the action:

AHEM >RT @brandonacox: Tell me one person, on Twitter, you consider a “connector.” (however you define that)

@redclaydiaries @katdish Thank u for the connector compliment! Of course if I’m a connector, then you’re the Connectinator.

So there you have it.

This concludes today’s installment of the Katdishionary. Although I do have a bonus acronym for those of who love a challenge. The first person who correctly identifies the following acronym may choose one of the following three options:

Option One: A guest post here on Hey Look a Chicken
Option Two: A guest post written by me for your blog
Option Three: None of the above. You can simply feel superior to everyone else as you bask in your cleverness.

And the mystery acronym of the day is…

IMGNAHS

The judges decisions are final. Please, no wagering, and Billy Coffey is not eligible. My blog. My rules.

Until next time, use your words. Even the made up ones. Especially those.