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The Power of Shameless Self Promotion

Okay, YES! My primary reason for being on the twitter is that it is tons of fun, a great way to keep with with my bloggy pals and meet new ones. I joke around about shamelessly self promoting myself (which I do), but Twitter is also a powerful media tool that can be used as a means to get noticed by some very influential people.

Case in point:

When I asked Billy Coffey to write a guest post for me on a weekly basis, I did so in an attempt to gain him a wider audience. Why did I do this? Because I’m a heck of a nice person that’s why. Okay — I may be a nice person, but seriously? When I found out via a few email conversations that he was trying to get a book published, I wanted to help him any way I could. How could you in good conscience NOT want to help a writer of his caliber? That’s about the time I told him he should get a twitter account. “Really? Twitter?”, he said. “Yes. Do it. Trust me.” I said.

I won’t go into great detail about what has transpired over the past 2 months but it is my honest opinion that Twitter played no small role. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Earlier this week, I read this tweet by literary agent superstar Rachelle Gardner:

Made The Call to terrific author who said YES! Honored to have new client @BillyCoffey. from mobile web

For a writer struggling to get a book published, this is a big deal. A VERY big deal. So, congratulations, Billy. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Because I had some inside information via my guest blogger that this might happen this week, much of my time on twitter was spent building up to this. It’s almost as though I know what I’m doing….hmmm…..

Now on with the countdown:

1. If you pretend that @CHRIS_Daughtry is secretly following you like @candysteele, #youmightbeatwitterho

2. @Helenatrandom I’m just impressed you used the word “juxtaposition” in a tweet.

3. If you laugh uncontrollably at your own tweets, #youmightbeatwitterho

4. You dirty hamster! #firstdraftmovielines

5. I coulda been a marginally successful boxer! #1stdraftmovielines

6. Show me some money! #1stdraftmovielines

7. @HerbieGookins I’m availabe to play tambourine. They won’t let me play it here.

8. RT @marni71: Oooh I wanna play! If u tweet at a funeral #youmightbeatwitterho

9. If you secretly wonder if @ofmercy is reading your tweets and taking notes for further study, #youmightbeatwitterho

10. RT @redclaydiaries: Tweeting from my new iPhone 3gs. Woot! (If you tweet from your new iPhone 3g, #youmightbeatwitterho)

11. If you send DMs to @weightwhat & @helenatrandom because you’re secretly stalking the twitter, #youmightbeatwitterho

12. Gotta get off the twitter for a bit…That’s what…oh, nevermind

13. @PeterPollock “You may be German, but I don’t want to smell your B.O.?” Oh, that is RICH! @weightwhat South Carolina too! Also? I’m refined and classy! (VURP!, scuse me…)

14. I just took “What U.S. state do you belong in?” and got: South Carolina! Try it:

15. RT @weightwhat: My dad gets his scan in about 15 minutes. Prayers anyone? (Praying)

16. @CandySteele @pwilson ‘s man card has been in seriously jeopardy for some time now, but I still dig him the most.

17. If you don’t have something nice to say, come sit next to me #outdatedphrases (that my mom says)

18. @pwilson You’re just begging me to make fun of you, aren’t you?

19. I crack myself up #outdatedphrases. (Oh, who am I kidding? That NEVER gets old!)

20. Question: Do you find it encouraging or horrifying to discover that your kids are just like you?

21. @marni71 It’s really all about priorities, huh?

22. @billycoffey Dude. You don’t tweet enough for people to get sick of you.

23. @llbarkat What works for you? I don’t do subtle…

24. @CHRISVOSS Thanks. But I like to build my following the old fashioned way: One annoying tweet at a time!

25. Good morning. Need coffee. That is all…

26. @chrissulli Thanks, Chris. Saw your comment. I’ll do that. Appreciate your encouragement.

27. STILL going through stuff in my daughter’s room. Or as I like to call it, “Crapatopia”.

28. @HerbieGookins In your bra, or just in general?

29. RT @weightwhat: I had another bra snack the other day. I was wondering why I kept smelling popcorn.

30. (On a Wednesday)

31. I’ve never shot a man just to watch him die #ivenever

32. Soon to be rock star famous #followwednesday: @billycoffey

33. @bryanallain Oh-em-gee. Definitely TMI, T M freaking I Bryan!

34. @marni71 Whoa. Your 2nd tweet took the words right out of my mouth. Twitter ho telepathy…

35. @funnyoneliners I went to see my optometrist, fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself

36. @marni71 Okay, what are you wearing?

37. @BabySnooks If you wear longjohns to the golf course, #youmightbecanadian

38. @buzzbyannies BUT I JUST GOT HERE! Bummer…

39. @ofmercy Good night Jon boy! You’re fairly awesome, you know that?

40. @weightwhat Oh I am TOTALLY awesome cat. (Couldn’t just let that one go.)

41. @billycoffey @ofmercy @weightwhat @Helenatrandom What the???I can’t leave the twitter for a second! Now I’m too tired to care. Night!

42. @ofmercy Here, here! I’ll drink to that. I used to drink to anything, but I’m better now.

43. @PuriChristos Well now you know how I feel when someone talks about math.

44. @PuriChristos @rachellegardner is a big time literary agent who just signed @billycoffey. It’s a big deal, trust me.

45. And the much lesser know @katdish

46. Okay, @billycoffey. AHEM! @redclaydiaries, @buzzbyannies et al: Billy Coffey is now being represented by the one and only @rachellegarnder

47. @billycoffey Would you like to tell @redclaydiaries and @buzzbyannies the big news?

48. @ofmercy Why? Do you detect a dark side lurking under my adorableness? I’m starting to freak me out

49. @shrinkingcamel Thanks, Bradley. I mostly try to use my powers for good and not evil.

50. @LSOFang I know, right?

51. @faydra_deon Again, it matters not. Some of us have bigger hurdles, nature or nurture, but the ground at the cross is level.

52. @faydra_deon Our ability to be broken and surrender our lives to Christ is the biggest determining factor.

53. @billycoffey Super hero is a stretch, but okay – I’ll take it. Congrats! You deserve it!

54. Is VERY grateful for answered prayer! Thank you friends. Thank you Jesus!

55. Praying….Will you join me?

56. @annalisa2 Are you mocking me? Me thinks, yes.

57. @annalisa2 Aw, why ya gotta be a shiny vampire hater? I meant some stupid celebrity book.
58. @annalisa2 Writer’s block? Read something horridly written. That will boost your confidence.

59. @PeterPollock LONDON BABY

60. @lizzyarmentrout I know. I can be annoying without any practice at all.

61. @muchl8r About the same. I wrote a cranky ho post and thought of you.

62. @nicholasdr Guitar hero is not the same as playing a real guitar. Or so my guitar playing friends tell me after they lose

63. @mandythompson Get out of the house and go people watching. Write the lyrics to somebody else’s life

64. @buzzbyannies Well yee-haw Annie! Sounds good.

65. @mdemuth A buck a book? Craptastic!

66. @RachelleGardner as to @weightwhat? Sorry/you’re welcome.

67. @weightwhat It’s almost as though I know what I’m talking about, huh?

68. @weightwhat @billycoffey needs to maintain an image that is inoffensive to his reader base, but compelling enough to expand his audience

69. @weightwhat No. No beer references. I’m speaking as his nasty pimp now.

70. @weightwhat Yeah. The kind of career that publishers frown upon

71. @weightwhat I’m trying to help build his career as a writer. When he gets famous, then I’ll wear him down.

72. @weightwhat Like I said, @billycoffey thinks you actually have to have something worth reading to post there. He’s stubborn like that.

73. @ryanmer I don’t get it. Is @borgdrone a creepy pillow or a national monument? I can’t keep up

74. @weightwhat Oh come on! I’m not bad. I just tweet that way

75. By the way, twitter…If you’re not following @weightwhat, you’re missing out on half of the ridiculous conversations I have here nightly.

76. @weightwhat I know! The non-virtual world can be such a distraction!

77. Dear twitter rockstar: You automatically generated thanks for following video is so very touching…Unfollow.

78. @br8kthru You and Peter think alike. Thanks.

79. @PuriChristos “Frunched” meaning not having enough of something via @jeremywright (who you should be following if you’re not already)

80. @jeremywright “Frunched” I like it! That word is frigintastic, huh @purichristos?

81. If screaming LONDON BABY! into the twitter makes you feel cultured, #youmightbeamerican

82. @marni71 Well I hope you didn’t have to fill your time waiting with any of that pesky “work” business.

83. @PeterPollock I just laid down some wisdom on the comments section of your blog. You’re welcome.

84. If you’ve ever referred to Guatemala, Costa Rica or Panama as “one of those Mexican countries”, #youmightbeamerican

85. If you’ve ever traveled south of the border just to purchase a paper flower bigger than your head, #youmightbeamerican

86. @BunBunRabbit You’re asking me a math question? You don’t know me at all…

87. @muchl8r Did you get moved in? You should have the skank fairies sprinkle some pixie dust on it.

88. If it bothers you when you go to a foreign country and people don’t have the courtesy to speak English, #youmightbeamerican

89. @PuriChristos Wow. Must suck being you. We can’t shoot fireworks because of the burn ban. Bummer.

90. @WinLiannefield Oh, okay. Then lighting bugs. What does Joni Mitchell know anyway?

91. @WinLiannefield Fireflies. Like the Joni Mitchell song.

92. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll unfollow me by the masses. It’s the Friday Twitter Update:

93. @MichaelHyatt Don’t you have people for that kind of stuff? My image of you is shattered, much like your glasses.

94. @ryanmer Just “kind of” offensive? How disappointing

95. @billycoffey I know. Just seeing if you were paying attention.

96. Soon to be famous and forget all that I’ve done for him #FF: @billycoffey

97. RT @br8kthru: @chrissulli Hmmmm, give it a few days… But it will always be a part of you now (that sounds a little creepy, scratch that)

Trending Topics on the Twitter

Okay, big week on the twitter. Matt @ the Church of No People who proclaimed that he would NOT be on the twitter via his blog is now, in fact, on the twitter. Why? Well, I cannot prove this beyond a reasonable doubt, but I think the last straw was when I told Pete Wilson via twitter than Matt had a secret man crush on him, after which Pete left a comment on his blog. Never doubt the power of obnoxiousness. It is magic, I tell you. MAGIC!

I also somehow managed to surpass 500 followers. How? The old fashioned way, people — one annoying tweet at a time.

And, of course — sometime yesterday morning, @helenatrandom, @weightwhat, @candysteele and @katdish embarked on a journey to make hash tag history by clogging up the twitter with #youmightbeatwitterho. I was going to post them all here, but frankly, I don’t have that kind of time, so here’s the link: Trending Topics: You Might be a Twitter Ho.

I promised myself I would keep this update to 100 tweets or less, even though I had…a bunch more than that. So, without further adieu,

The best (or not) of me on the Twitter:

1. If you give up trying to cut and paste all the twitter ho references and just decide to link the trending topic, #youmightbeatwitterho

2. Irony: I have to stay off the twitter because…I have to write a post about being on the twitter.
3. Facebook Friends: It’s not you. It’s me. Long term relationships consisting of over 140 characters smother me. But we can still be friends

4. @weightwhat You’re exhausting. Sort of like me…

5. @weightwhat Too early for what? Art or cross dressing men?

6. @Helenatrandom Because no one wants to see a man in a bikini.

7. @buzzbyannies @CandySteele @weightwhat Can you people wait for me to get on the twitter before you start these conversations?

8. RT @jerdavcpa: @katdish I think I will name them monkeybutt, iluvkatdish, lookachicken, and notdaughtrey

9. @billycoffey I broke 500. Jealous much?

10. @ofmercy Thank you Jon! Why are you so nice to me? Nevermind. I’ll take it!

11. Absolutely nothing. And will most likely unfollow me soon after.

12. I’ve gotta go to praise team practice. My 500th follower will receive……

13. @CandySteele And just to tell you, I’m 4 away from 500 followers, so the fact that @ronsteele7 won’t follow me is a bitter pill to swallow.

14. @CandySteele Well yes. I would know that they appreciate my genius.

15. @prodigaljohn Okay, PJ. Definitely seeing some improvements in the tweets. Keep it up, and I may stop calling you PJ.

16. RT @asilannax: I celebrated Canada Day in a very American way. That is to say, I cooked a frozen pizza and ate a piece the size of my head

17. RT @jewdacris4: RT @katdish: If your standards are embarrassingly low, you should follow me. ;no wonder i’m one of her twitter followers

18. @ylnt I like a good box wine. April was an excellent month.

19. However, I am considering all offers to publish my book: “Making your Mark: How to write long, annoying comments on other people’s blogs”

20. Five more followers before I reach 500. I am excited, and I don’t know why. I’m not selling anything.

21. @ProfessionalOne That was really sweet…in a cyberstalkerish sort of way.

22. RT @ProfessionalOne: @ofmercy Can I follow @katdish twice? ๐Ÿ™‚

23. I am now at 492 followers. I’m going to interface with the non-virtual people. If I break 500 by the time I’m back, then hey! good for me!

24. If, like Allanis Morrisette, you don’t truly grasp the definition of “Ironic”, #youmightbecanadian

25. If you sometimes refer to the 48 states as “upper mexicans”, #youmightbecanadian

26. If you know Canadian history enough to know that Manitoba means literally “many tubas”, #youmightbecanadian

27. If you’re like regular white people only slower #youmightbecanadian

28. RT @tremendousnews: If there was a point in your life where you were jealous of someone’s toboggan, #youmightbecanadian

29. @PeterPollock Well, dang Peter! I’m about to call it a night. Where have you been? Storming the castle?

30. @CandySteele Do you doubt that I could win that argument? Me thinks not.

31. What the???? I have almost 500 followers? You people have horribly low standards.

32. @weightwhat I’m going to have to penalize you 10 yards for using the term “tweeps”

33. @HerbieGookins Goodnight Beth! You big dork!

34. @CandySteele Yeah. We are SO easily amused by ourselves!

35. Have you been looking for a blog completely devoted to tacky decorative pigs? My friend, your search is over:

36. @PeterPollock I think Brad Lomenick was mildly offended in Atlanta when I made him pose for a picture with a paper doll.

37. @bryanallain I don’t really get free tickets. They pay me not to show up.

38. @bryanallain You have to pay for you Catalyst tickets? Must suck being you…

39. @weightwhat Don’t fear me. Unless you leave an anonymous comment on my blog. Then, fear me indeed.

40. Go Katdish. A phrase I’ve often heard uttered…but not in a good way.

41. RT @TonyCToday: @katdish That’s awesome! I’ve already added him…go Katdish!

42. RT @weightwhat: RT@StephenAtHome why does census ignore america’s vampires? join me in my chant for justice: count dracula! count dracula!

43. @davidgs Yes you are! Embrace your cranky ho-ness!

44. AHEM! @MattTcoNP (Matt @ the Church of No People) is now on the twitter. All together now: Katdish, you were right!

45. @bryanallain Tyler and me. It should be Tyler and me. Love, the grammar police.

46. @PuriChristos @billycoffey @buzzbyannies @Helenatrandom @weightwhat @CandySteele Did you hear? Matt finally caved and is on the twitter.

47. RT @tsbailey: Tuesday is just Monday without as much bitterness.

48. Mmm, hmm. Thought so…

49. That would be the same Matt at the Church of No people who swore he would not cave.

50. For those of you who doubted my ability to completely wear someone down and get my way, @matttconp is now on the twitter!

51. Who doubted me, huh? That’s right…@mattTconp has caved! Follow him, and tell him I sent you! (That will really annoy him.)

52. @mattTconp Welcome to the twitter! Told you I always get what I want…

53. @PuriChristos @Helenatrandom @weightwhat I am tired! My post goes up in 2 minutes. I think a couple of buttcracks are still missing-meh.

54. How do I get a celebrity endorsement for my upcoming book: How to leave long, annoying comments on other people’s blogs?

55. Husband: Why were you up so late? Me: I was re-inserting buttcracks into my blog post. Husband: (rolling his eyes at me)

56. Did @candysteele unfollow me? Or is she just ignoring me? I feel like @weightwhat to @billycoffey

57. Sorry, folks! @Helenatrandom loves Jesus, but she drinks a little!

58. @billycoffey What? I just got here! I’ve hardly abused you at all today!

59. Where is @purichristos when I need him? I can’t get the buttcrack key to work in my blog post!

60. @Helenatrandom You are adorably annoying Helen!

61. @Helenatrandom No! Long live the monkey butt!

62. I don’t have a clue what to write about for tomorrow. So, am I taking a day off? No. I’ll post something incredibly stupid.

63. Oh..wait. Different kind of pub. Nevermind…

64. Don’t eat the shelled peanuts they leave out on the bar. They reuse the ones from the night before. #PubTip

65. Wisdom from my mother: “It’s not gossip if it’s true!” (I wish I was joking.)

66. @shrinkingcamel I’m. Eating. Cantelope.

67. @ofmercy Magnificant? Yeah. Okay. If you say so…

68. As long as you have not grasped that you have to die to grow, you are a troubled guest on a dark earth – Mircea Eliade

69. @shrinkingcamel ALSO? I CRACK MYSELF UP!!!


71. @PeterPollock @Brian_Russell @Helenatrandom Yeah. I don’t know. I’m practicing avoidance in hopes it goes away.

72. @bryanallain I actually have a trash can completely devoted to lint. I offered it to @stacyasmallsfl, so far – no response.

73. @pwilson – Check this out. Matt @ the Church of No People called you HAWT!

74. @br8kthru You’re welcome. How are you doing?

75. @beckfromfrogandtoad Vicious cycle, no?

76. RT @beckfromfrogandtoad: Why am I on Twitter? Because I am writing. And why is writing taking me so long? Because I AM ON TWITTER.

77. Lo Carb ice cream on sale at Kroger, so I bought 20 1/2 gallons. They say love has no pride & apparently, neither do I.

78. Dear Yoville: I got your emails. We’ve just grown apart. It’s not you. It’s me.

79. RT @tsbailey: Sometimes I just get to the point where my socks annoy me with their tightness. Off with you, oppressors of freedom.

80. @buzzbyannies Oh, shut up Annie.

81. But, hey. You know what really fun to do outside here in the summertime? Absolutely nothing.

82. RT @weightwhat: Now that Billy Mays has passed away, I may never buy another product that I have absolutely no use for.

83. @ScottHenson My cousin is a vegan, but she’s got some fine leather shoes. She told me you have to draw the line somewhere. Huh…

84. @chrissulli Also? Do you know why they always have riots at soccer games? Because there’s nothing better to do!

85. @chrissulli OH NO YOU DI-ENT just say that to me!

86. It’s very exciting keeping up with a soccer game via the twitter. Yeah. Not really. Soccer is boring.

87. @PeterPollock Ah, thanks Peter. I do try to encourage my pastor buds when I’m not teasing them mercilessly.

88. @asilannax Sorry. I’m already taken. Also? We’re both women.

89. Huh….@pwilson just unfollowed me. What gives?

90. @pwilson Ooo! What time? What’s the number to call? I have GREAT questions!

91. @MichaelHyatt Yeah. I made a few calls. You’re welcome.

92. @PuriChristos Yes. I saw that. No biggie. I’m all up in inappropriate. Okay. My dog needs to pee. Y’all don’t talk about me while I’m gone.

93. @billycoffey And since when are you a redneck and I’m not? I’m just a fancier redneck.

@billycoffey Oh, says who? That’s a pretty bold statement. I have grudges older than you!

94. @weightwhat I can’t keep up with you. Yes, the garage is finished. 2 cars fit in there. Who knew?

5. @weightwhat twitter ho telepathy – ACTIVATE!

96. @weightwhat but I thought it might be a bit creepy for a 40 something mother of 2 to ask a 16 year old for a picture.

97. @weightwhat Ooo! I was at a wedding today, and I swear, one of the teenager there looked like Edward Cullen. I was going to snap a pic,

98. @authorjjhebert Oh, let’s just go with man-boy.

9. @authorjjhebert Still…A man needs a drill.

100. @authorjjhebert How could possibly not have a drill?

Twitter Ho Powers: Activate!

This week, I read a few comments on a couple of blogs suggesting that Twitter is a waste of time. If you make it through all the tweets here, you will find a few tweets and RT’s concerning my friend Jason’s mom, who was rushed to the emergency room. Say what you will, there were an awful lot of prayers going up very quickly for Jason’s mom and her family. That is a very good thing, indeed. Okay – off my soapbox.

So…it occurrs to me those of you not on the twitter may not really “get” these posts. Honestly? I’m okay with that. These posts are primarily for my own amusement. (Hey, sort of like the twitter!) But just cuz I’m a giver, I’m going to post an entire conversation so you can follow along (You’re welcome.) Just to tell you, you need to read it from the bottom to the top, because I’m too lazy to move it all around and whatnot. Enjoy:

Me: @ofmercy Okay…turning off the twitter. Talk amongst yourselves…

Me: RT @billycoffey: @ofmercy I gotta say @katdish has made me who I am as a blogger. Just don’t tell her that.

Billy: @katdish Guess that one will make next Friday’s Twitter post, huh?

Jon:@billycoffey It will be our little secret… (@katdish – no listening in! ya hear!)

Jon: @katdish re: (You’re dead to me, Jon.) I know you don’t give up that easy…

Me: @ofmercy You’re dead to me, Jon.

Jon: @billycoffey Thanks; if I were a betting man re: U vs. @katdish – well, Billy has my vote… HA!

Me: @billycoffey @ofmercy Oh, stop! (Or not…)

Billy: @ofmercy I gotta say @katdish has made me who I am as a blogger. Just don’t tell her that.

Me: @ofmercy and speaking of me, did you know that @billycoffey writes a guest post on my blog every Monday. You should check it out.

Billy: @ofmercy You’re learning quick, Jon!

Me: @ofmercy Now you’re getting with the program!

Jon: @katdish You’re still the best! ๐Ÿ˜›

Jon: @katdish Soooo forgot… it’s all about you! ;-P

Me: @ofmercy Yes, but enough about @billycoffey ‘s write up, we’re talking about roller hockey.

Billy: @ofmercy Wow, thank you. I really appreciate that!

Jon: @billycoffey I read your blog entry In Praise of Fathers. Outstanding! Thanks for that entry. I was moved… and AMEN!

Billy: @katdish Mmm-hmm. Thought so.

Me: @billycoffey Yeah, well…Okay. I’m not even gonna go there…

Billy: @weightwhat Low blow!

Wendy: @billycoffey – I don’t think so… She might even be wearing a blue shirt with a fancy emblem on it when she does it.

Billy: @weightwhat She would shrink from my manliness.

Wendy: @billycoffey – Bony or ashy, she’ll take you out.

Me: @billycoffey @weightwhat is totally making that up. I do not have bony elbows. They are a bit ashy right now, though…

Wendy: @billycoffey – Watch it! I hear @katdish has really boney elbows. She’ll definitely take you out!

Me: @billycoffey I bet you a dollar that is one sport I could beat you at. I’m a fairly awesome roller skater.

Billy: @katdish I could do me some roller derby.

Billy: @katdish @weightwhat Oh, come on! You two just don’t dig Michelle Pfeiffer. That’s some quality acting

Me: @billycoffey What @weightwhat said…

Billy: @weightwhat Yes, it’s her acting. Sheesh.

Wendy: @billycoffey – Are you sure it’s her acting you’re digging?

Me: @billycoffey @weightwhat Roller derby is also on…

Wendy:@billycoffey – I want you to pick up the remote and change the channel. I’m doing this for your own good. Surely Deadliest Catch must be on.

Wendy:@katdish – I think @billycoffey needs to be saved from himself.

Me: @weightwhat Twitter ho telepathy: ACTIVATE!

Wendy: @billycoffey – No.

Me: @billycoffey No, just you Billy…

Billy: Anyone else actually think that Grease 2 really isn’t that bad?

And now, the best of me (or not) on the twitter:

@Brian_Russell How about, “If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother?” Works for me.

@MichaelHyatt Feel free to quote me.

@asilannax Oh wait…@tremendousnews is already following you.

@asilannax Oh, man! Bring on the creepy followers after that tweet!

@marni71 Do I need to come up there and crack some skulls? I will, you know.

@Erinbeekeeper I suck at math, but even I can figure that one out.

RT @MarketerMikeE: โ€œYouโ€™re boring. Thatโ€™s why people are ignoring you.โ€โ€“ Seth Godin, marketing guru

The 2 preceding tweets were brought to you by my friend Sherri the smurf and twitter snob.

The extremely creative are usually very unsettled as it overshadows every aspect of life and others around them have no clue. – Sherri

I think the creativity w/in doesn’t really give us a choice. It’s always there & bursts through regardless of how we try to contain it.

If you’re not already, you should follow @asilannax She’s like me only funnier and younger.

@llbarkat You understand French? I’m impressed. It’s all Greek to me.

@marni71 Aw, bummer! You should get a girly pedicure. Works every time.

@Helenatrandom Thanks. Kinda like me – profound yet simple.

@weightwhat Yes, and we’re not even finished yet. Sometimes it sucks being me.

@weightwhat Thanks. I’m gonna need to be an extra low carb monster twitter ho today

@ofmercy I have friends that play instruments, but that doesn’t make me a musician. Just saying…

@br8kthru So glad to hear that. I’ve been praying, but a little worried, if I’m being honest.

Only 2 more hours to question @bryanallain ‘s masculinity!:

Decided to put mousse in my hair and let it air dry. Ann Wilson circa 1980 – Eat your heart out!

@weschicklit Thanks Chicky! One vote for incessant rambling

Serious post tomorrow or incessant rambling?

@katdish Bryan is dangerously close to being Brianne. Id be glad to take him under my wing, kind of like a Big Brother program, if he wants. (via @docawesome)

RT @chrissulli: Shameless self promotion? i learned from the best. New blog post

RT @PuriChristos: I use to love Disney but it was never intended to be visited with ur in laws. Much like heaven.

RT @tremendousnews: Oh, you de-greened your avatar? Cool. I guess freedom and hope is so “yesterday” for you.

@DocAwesome Do you think there’s any hope for @bryanallain ? I have my doubts.

I am going to start tweeting Matt’s FB status, so he’s on the twitter whether he likes it or not. (Insert evil laugh here.)

FB RT: Matt Appling can’t believe we have electricity so soon after that microburst snapped our utility poles in half.

@badbanana I was not aware that Ben Franklin ate hot wings or used the word ginormous. Your tweets are so educational!

@mabeswife No, glowing because it’s hotter than…whatever the hottest thing you can think of!
Still cleaning out the garage. I’m glowing, I tell ya! Glowing! (in a dirty, stinky, feel like I’m going to vomit sort of way.)

@bryanallain Oh, you’re so adorably manly when you talk ghetto, Bryan.

@BenArment You’ve probably been reading that pesky bible too much!

Okay, time to go sweat to death….

@annalisa2 You’re incredibly sarcastic. I dig that.

@mabeswife low carb monster, low carb monster, low carb monster & venti cafe americano.

@redclaydiaries The only time it’s not the heat of the day in Houston is at night.

@billycoffey Yes. I’m praying for @bryanallain in hopes that he gets his man card back. Not looking good, though.

@redclaydiaries I am looking forward to cleaning out the garage with my dh. Did that sound at all convincing?

@redclaydiaries I didn’t realize you needed an excuse to drink. Good morning!

Now following @spam. Hope it helps with all the skanky ho follows.

@xjkradicoolx Nah, her mouth is full.

Does ANYONE know where I file a complaint about a follower? Please? @hornygirl559, you are going DOWN! (and not like in your avatar!)

@redclaydiaries Oh, don’t sell yourself short, Steph. You’re plenty lame.

@redclaydiaries “Grocery store sushi is the best?” You really need to get out more, Steph!

This is REALLY starting to piss me off. And you don’t want to do that. Trust me.

Dear Twitter: Do you want to tell me how “Christian, working mom of 3” has a lovely profile pic when I follow, only to go pornographic?

Does eating sushi lose some of its appeal when it’s purchased at the grocery store and eaten whilst making kids ham sandwiches?

@muchl8r Hey Jake! How’s my favorite cranky ho this morning?

@MarketerMikeE Okay, you know what would be funny? If one of those twitter robots RT’ed your last tweet.

RT @MarketerMikeE: Don’t automate anything. People are looking for something real. Don’t automate anything. People need authenticity.

Matt throws me (and twitter) under the bus. Please go rant incessantly on his blog.

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgment. – Libbie Fudim

@HerbieGookins Thanks, Beth. I didn’t need that.

@buzzbyannies Twitter potty mouth!

@buzzbyannies You are such a mean mom. You inspire me!

Good Morning, @HerbieGookins , wherever you are!

@CandySteele Please forgive all the typos in your comments section. Apparently, my “f” key is sticking.

RT @br8kthru Thanks for the prayers Mom is doing much better. We had to MedEvac to Anchorage she’s waiting on further tests. Thanks so much

Please welcome @Kenzi_Wilson , @buzzbyannies daughter to the Twitter! Now, when is Boz getting an account?

Has anyone heard from @br8kthru since yesterday?

Try that again: Matt @ The Church of No People is giving me grief about the twitter. Please go set him straight.

@buzzbyannies This could get ugly…

Well, I’ve had just about all the excitement I can stand for one day. Gotta go. Night!

RT @bryanallain: Want 250 brand new followers every day??? Take some Lunesta and dream about it, because it’s the only way it’s happening.

Dear Icky Followers: Please direct your friends to @weightwhat.

@weightwhat You know, if you were really committed to being an icky follower, you would spell out PCB.

@redclaydiaries You mean like monkey butts?

@redclaydiaries Yeah, get off the twitter, woman! (TWSS)

RT @tremendousnews: Twitter is over capacity! Nobody cares what level you’re at in Spymaster.

@tylerstanton There are a host of reasons you could be considered a slacker. Watching the open is just one.

Going for a swim with my daughter again. I gotta get me one of these fancy cement ponds at my house!

And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. – Victor Hugo

Have courage for the great sorrows of life & patience for the small ones;

@Helenatrandom Even if you did copy katdish, it would be completely Helen. Which is why you are awesome.

RT @jewdacris4: i like salad (An economy for words)

@br8kthru Praying, Jason. Hang in there.

RT @br8kthru: My mom is going to the emergency room right now- don’t know exactly what’s going on. Would appreciate your prayers- thanks

@JeanneDamoff Um, yeah. I think that little chat the other night will make the twitter update.

@marni71 I’m sure it’s just a rash. Good morning!

@ofmercy Good morning Jon. I have forgiven you. I know you were holding your breath…

Is anyone else have trouble with the twitter this morning? (TWSS)

Hallloooo Twitter! I’ve missed you so!

Going to hear Vince Antonucci preach at Gateway in Austin this morning. How awesome is that?

Happy Father’s Day! Whose your daddy?

@PeterPollock Tell ya what. (I’m ignoring you, @billycoffey) If it’s up by midnight standard time, I’ll link it. If not, I’ll add it later.

@PeterPollock When are you gonna be done? I’ll link it tomorrow, cuz that’s what I’m doing tomorrow.

@billycoffey I meant besides Billy Coffey

@redclaydiaries You should probably pretend you don’t know me…

@redclaydiaries Yeah. Thanks. I’m sure publishing houses will be busting my doors down any day now.

@redclaydiaries Thanks, Steph. You’re no help at all, as usual.

Anyone write a really good Father’s Day post?

Sitting out by the pool with two very good manuscripts enjoying watching my daughter swim.

@buzzbyannies Look. I gotta go with my Asian roots on this one. Jet kicks butt! Yes, Chuck is from Texas, but still.

Bessie Higginbottom is one of my life coaches. Don’t judge me…

@Mels_World Are you kidding me? Half the population of suburbia is at Home Depot on Saturday morning. It’s the law.

@billycoffey Ah, yes. The preservation of your man card. We all have our crosses to bear…

@asilannax There’s no shame in knowing sappy song lyrics from the 70’s!

@asilannax I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then, son. You know we’ll have a good time then!

@asilannax and the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when you coming home dad?

A Busy Week on the Twitter

Big, huge news! My geeky church planter friend Beth, who goes by the name @HerbieGookins (?), finally caved and is on the twitter. We’re all very excited! Helen has found her twitter ho gift in hash tagging #nicerfilmtitles, and people are turning their avatars green to support Iran whist @tremendousnews makes fun of them. I also made a lame attempt to tweet haikus, which was a miserable failure. Sorry. I know this is really long, just stop reading when your eyes start to bleed:

Beginning with favorite tweets submitted by a few of my twitter pals:

From my geeky church planter Beth on her way to Twitter Ho-dom:
1. Side by side laptops on the couch. Are we geeky or what?
2. Time to say hello to the sun while it’s still here. Herbie Gookins out, yo.
3. @marni71 Thanks. Did I just do that right? And who doesn’t enjoy typing “HerbieGookins”?
4. I see how it is. My Mom and Katdish tweeting about me behind my back. You are both so busted. Once I figure this blessed thing out…grrr
5. I have no idea what I’m doing. Obviously.
6. New to twitter. Learning, learning.

From Jason:
br8kthru: I can’t convince someone that something is worthwhile & valuable. All I can do is share my experience & lead by example.

br8kthru: Bed is calling me. It keeps calling me Beatrice, which is weird but I’m going anyway. Goodnight!

@katdish there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus- sadly, I must condemn you ’cause laughing cow is nasty.

From @weightwhat (Wendy):
No brothers in my family. We called boy parts “What the heck is that thing?!”

@katdish – I follow people who I find to be intellectually stimulating, people who can challenge my thinking and cause me to grow. And you.

RT @katdish @CandySteele I refuse to emote! I won’t do it, I tell ya! I won’t! :o) (*snort*)

@katdish – And now I’ll throw my head back and laugh maniacally! Muahahaha!

@katdish – It’s Beach Blogger Billy! Man, I hope they come out with the action figure soon.

From @marni71: (who misunderstood my question, obviously and sent me other peopleโ€™s tweets)

WE GOT BETH TO CAVE? Is there no end to our powers? Look out Matt, you’re next…muahahahahah

I need WD-40. My office chair is making some icky noises…and I don’t want others to think it’s me

@Jess_Hays I AM the po po ho, fool!

From @helenatrandom:
@buzzbyannies You know, like “satan”. cubs = satan….

@buzzbyannies I am not actually giving cubs the middle finger. Just the middle finger of grammar: not capitalizing their name!

Place Mamma Away from the Rear of the Train Gently Onto the Tracks #nicerfilmtitles

*Note: @jewdacris4 either sent me some and I lost them, or we talked about him sending me some and it never happened…I forget. It’s really late. So send them to me and I’ll add them, dude.

And now for my incessant ramblings. Again…sorry. Feel free to quit reading and run screaming from your computer.

1. RT @br8kthru: I love puns & love this: Next time you’re asked, “Paper or Plastic?” justsay, “Doesn’t matter to me. I’m bi-sacksual.”
2. Okay, seriously. I may have to devote my entire twitter update to @herbiegookins getting on the twitter!
3. RT @HerbieGookins: I have no idea what I’m doing. Obviously. YAY!
4. @herbiegookins – Get on the twitter so we can talk to you! Facebook is dead!
5. @Helenatrandom No. You have to use reverse psychology on her. Tell her not to. She’s fairly stubborn that @herbiegookins
6. @marni71 We are strong. We are invincible. We are twitter hos.
8. RT @marni71: @Helenatrandom Yeah, I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with pretentious..ooh wait, this just in…contentious.
9. @Helenatrandom I’ve had over 100 FB inbox items before. My strategy? Ignore them.
10. Stomach is bothering me this morning. Probably should have passed up the pork tar-tar last night…
11. @PuriChristos You cain’t quit us Nick! You wish you could, but you cain’t!
12. Non-creepy followers! Please follow @marni71 She is wicked awesome funny, & if you don’t I’m not so sure we can be friends anymore.
13. @JennCallingHome Thanks! I checked out your blog & decided to refollow, despite your creepy brown avatar…
14. @Brian_Russell Well, forget it. You can’t make me drink the Microsoft Kool-Aid!
15. RT @badbanana: Another hot, humid day ahead. Once again, I bet I’ll be the only one at work smart enough to wear a beer hat.
16. RT @CandySteele: Pants are pinned shut and I’m wearing my husband’s socks. GQ cover material or pink fuzzy man card material?
17. @buzzbyannies Have a great day! I’ll be especially lazy and unmotivated in your absence.
18. @shrinkingcamel Okay, what is Bing? (besides Crosby and cherry).
19. @Helenatrandom It looks to me as you’re saying, “How-dee-do, cubbies! You just got pwoned!”
20. @xjkradicoolx Good luck with not being a grumpy ho today, of course!
21. @buzzbyannies @CandySteele What is this? Farmer Thursday on the twitter?
22. RT @tylerstanton: Never has an iPhone upgrade made me feel more average. Thanks 3.0!
23. @buzzbyannies Because it’s the home of the armadillo, with the friendliest people & the prettiest women you’ve ever seen.
24. @speaktruthtoyou I spell it “kewl”. And you’re not the boss of me!
25. @prodigaljohn The sad part about the whole “bring my cardboard breakdance mat” statement is that you probably actually have one.
26. I support the whole green avatar thing, but seriously – I would look like broom hilda if I did that. Yeah, I’m vain like that…
27. @CandySteele I yam what I yam. At least I don’t pretend I’m humble. That’s incredibly annoying
28. FB RT: Jeremy Peterson if you haven’t tried tweetdeck for the iphone, check it out! (Kool Aid! He drank the kool aid!)
29. @prodigaljohn It takes a man secure in his masculinity to openly admit that on the twitter.
30. @Brian_Russell Katdish coffee mugs.
31. @alliebaldwin You really like shopping at the walmarts don’t you?
32. @chrissulli Wow. Who knew anyone listened to me?
33. One of the disadvantages of living in a warm climate is that I do not own a snow shovel, which makes cleaning my daughter’s room difficult.
34. @LevelTen_Colin Oh my goodness! I totally do all of those. I must be some kind of bloggy prodigy or something.
35. @jerdavcpa Ah, yes…Math – my arch nemesis!
36. RT @badbanana: Nearly 60% won’t graduate from one Chicago school. But that still means 80% will, so stop picking on public schools.
37. RT @Helenatrandom: Too bad @PuriChristos is busy…he’d love this one…. Dial M for Monkeybutt #nicerfilmtitles
38. RT @tremendousnews: #nicerfilmtitles The Devil Wears Moderately-Priced Shoes Bought From The Outlet Off I-35.
39. RT @tremendousnews: #nicerfilmtitles Meet Joe African-American
40. @chrissulli Well, SNAP OUT OF IT! All better?
41. @Helenatrandom @marni71 “pickle” just saying…
42. RT @weightwhat: @Helenatrandom said “boy parts”… heh heh
43. @Helenatrandom I think you’ve found your special purpose in life!
44. RT @Helenatrandom: Place Mamma Away from the Rear of the Train Gently Onto the Tracks #nicerfilmtitles
45. Intellectually stimulating group of twitter friends this morning! @helenatrandom, @weightwhat, @marni71, @br8kthru, @redclaydiaries
46. @Helenatrandom Twitter Ho Fire, Baby!
47. RT @Helenatrandom: Good Will Catch and Release #nicerfilmtitles
48. @marni71 I need to make sure I put that on my Friday update so Sharkbait the twitter snob can blush.
49. RT @Helenatrandom: My Big Pleasantly Plump Greek Wedding #nicerfilmtitles
50. Wonderful Wacky Wednesday!: @redclaydiaries and her obscene amount of laundry baskets.
51. RT @buzzbyannies: @katdish You’re like the pied piper of ho’s on twitter. Creepy. (Aw, thanks Annie. Love you too!)
52. RT @tremendousnews: #nicerfilmtitles The Gently-Sobbing Game: Because She’s Not Really A Dude In This One, Just Really High Maintenance.
53. Good Morning! My entire Replies Column is full of Wacky Wednesday shout outs. Thank you, and I’m sorry!
54. @billycoffey You haven’t been published because you never had proper nasty pimp representation until now.
55. Yeah, @tremendousnews ! Why you gotta be hating on @xjkradicoolx grampa like that?
56. @loswhit Hey, Los. Will you follow me so I can pretend your @CHRIS_Daughtry? Thanks.
57. @CandySteele You’re so lawsome!
58. Okay, I’ll stop. No restraining orders, please.
59. You know what? I think @CHRIS_Daughtry is just playing hard to get. He digs me. I know he does.
60. I can’t help myself. I swear I will RT anything @tremendousnews says.
61. RT @tremendousnews: Out of the box thinking: A Tiny URL that shrinks Tiny URLs. Angel investors? DM me
62. @bloggerservice thank you. did you miss the “I won’t pay you but I will owe you a solid part”?
63. @kizabrat that would explain the strange following after an excessive amount of monkey butt tweets.
64. RT @asilannax: That excessively white kid driving down White Blvd blaring Kanye West? I’m sorry.
65. AHEM! Would anyone like to redesign my blog? I won’t pay you, but I would owe you a solid.
66. @billycoffey Hush. You’re interrupting my mojo.
67. @weightwhat @Helenatrandom That’s okay. I see how you are…
68. @CandySteele @redclaydiaries Are you people seriously talking about salad? Sheesh!
69. @PuriChristos That comment was freaking AWESOME!
70. @weightwhat You did NOT just add a smiley face to the end of my tweet! ARGH!
71. @CandySteele I refuse to emote! I won’t do it, I tell ya! I won’t!
72. @PeterPollock Yes, well my point is, I sort of like people to read my blog. I know, it’s an ego thing…
73. RT @tylerstanton: Our new phone books just arrived. I’ve never been less excited about anything.
74. @CandySteele So sad. I am so very sad @CHRIS_Daughtry refuses to follow me. (I’m tempted to use an emoticon here, but I have my pride)
75. @CandySteele Oh, that hurt! Why won’t @CHRIS_Daughtry follow me? I’m so sad…(I’m going for pathetic, pulling out all the stops.)
76. @tremendousnews Check you link, there’s nothing there. (that’s what she said)
77. @PeterPollock Hmm…sounds interesting. I’m not sure how many of my readers actually read books, though…
78. @myapronstrings Thanks. That was not at all helpful.
79. Just checked facebook account. I have 40 items in my in box. Will continue to practice avoidance.
80. @PeterPollock Do you get free books? People need to send me free books. I would totally owe them a solid!
81. FB RT: Jeremy Peterson is ready for iphone 3.0 software to release tomorrow. (He’s drank the kool-aid folks!)
82. This just in: @CHRIS_Daughtry is still not following me on twitter.
83. Okay Twitter – gotta go be someone’s worst nightmare at the pedicure place!
84. @SUPERkevo Dude, your tweets are short yet explanatory. Yeah, I’ll follow…
85. @PeterPollock Kidding, of course…
86. @PeterPollock Excessive use of exclamation points. Unfollow.
87. @br8kthru But did you have to count with your fingers? I totally have to do that.
88. @mabeswife I know, it’s craptastic huh?
89. Have you noticed yet/My tweets are in haiku form/They’re sucktacular!
90. @br8kthru Okay, how’s this: I ate chex mix and laughing cow cheese for breakfast.
91. RT @stretchmarkmama: If I could just find a way to route the coffee pot through the shower head, I might actually ENJOY this morning.
92. @Helenatrandom What doesn’t remind you of a joke, Helen?
93. RT @KevinMartineau: Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu
94. @Flauxers That’s why I never travel anywhere by donkey.
95. Dear New York Times: What were you thinking?!?
96. Yeah…I went there.
97. @AuthorTech Who decides who is relevant and who is not? That makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
98. @marni71 Yeah, so my daughter sings: We are honky, honky for you. Which in the case of our church, was highly appropriate.
99. @marni71 Do you know the song “Fuel”? We are yearning, we are burning, were hungry, hungry for you?
100. Red Clay Diaries/Why you be hatin’ on me?/It’s still early yet.
101. @redclaydiaries Look, I’m working on it. It’s hard to type and count on your fingers at the same time.
102. A very special song dedication for @pwilson boys. Crank it up! (Jump, Jump by Kris Kross)
103. @pwilson Don’t mention it…
104. Dear @pwilson boys: JUMP, JUMP, JUMP on the bed! Daddy loves that!
105. Responses will not/be in haiku form because/I am not that bright
106. Goodnight dear twitter/It’s time to hit the pillow/more haiku tweets soon/
107. @PeterPollock You were not the first commenter. Sucks for you…11:22 PM Jun 15th from TweetDeck in reply to PeterPollock
108. @jescalan Um, yeah. I’ve got my money on annoying. But thanks.
109. I think I’m going to try to tweet everything in haiku form. That should be incredibly annoying.
110. Can everyone just tweet for the pure sake of being random and annoying? It’s a liberating experience – Promise!
111. I’ve always wanted to say that on the twitter…
112. @ofmercy Night, Jon boy!
113. Should I be offended that my guest blogger gets more traffic on my blog than I do?
114. @ofmercy Aw, shucks! No I’m not! Okay…I totally am!
115. @ofmercy Well if I’m not least, then why did you mention me last? Hmh!
116. @bryanallain I am judging you. Are you kidding me?
117. @buzzbyannies I always speak from experience, unless I’m making it up.
118. @rachaelmphillip Your daughter still stubbornly refuses to get a twitter account, btw.
119. @rachaelmphillip Oooo! Beth’s mom read my blog! Thanks!
120. @buzzbyannies You can be a twitter ho from anywhere
121. @marklamberti Ah yes. Nothing would make me happier than seeing 2 past their prime fake tanned wrestlers displaying their man boobs.
122. @marklamberti No, no, no! You need to ask me questions about stuff I give a rat’s patooty about!
123. @billycoffey Awww! You’re cyberstalking me from the beach? How sweet!
124. @PeterPollock @CandySteele Thanks for the RTs. Hope that dude appreciates his nasty pimp working while he’s at the beach!
125. @jerdavcpa If I want to eat bad pizza and be annoyed by children, I can do that from the comfort of my own home
126. @lynnmosher Yeah, I’m waiting for him to figure out his writing is too good for my blog (shh…don’t tell him).
127. @lynnmosher No. God is merciful. There’s only one of me.
128. @lynnmosher @thewritermama What you need is a non writer friend who is a shameless self promoter. (Sorry, I’m taken)
129. @oliveshoot I lost my dignity a long, long time ago.
130. Playing go-fish w/my 7-yo daughter. She just told me “You’re about to say Crap.” I really need to edit myself more
131. @ryanmer I don’t know who’s worse. You for writing stuff like that, or me for reading it. Oh, most likely you…
132. @nickcarnes Yeah, those tokens are minted in the fiery furnaces of hell.
133. @nickcarnes I despise Chuck E. Cheese!
134. @mylestones Please disregard the tweet about me nasty feet
135. @mylestones @CandySteele I don’t want to say my feet are bad, but the last time I had a pedicure, they canceled the rest of their app.
136. @buzzbyannies @CandySteele Dear Fully Staffed Private Island and Private Jet Service to said private island: My friends & I need a vacation
137. @MichaelHyatt Having a pedicure might put your man card in question.
138. @blogomomma You live such a dangerous life! Al this talk of newspapers and coupons makes my life seem boring.
139. ATTENTION: I need someone to send me a free Kindle. If I like it, I will feature you on my blog, read by tens of people every day.
140. @authorjjhebert Well, then. Good for @rachellegarnder and good for the earth. Man, I gotta get me a kindle!
141. @authorjjhebert way to suck up to the literary agent! (kidding!) (sort of)

Really…Again. So sorry. I’m not even going to tell you how many I had for the week. You don’t want to know, and I don’t want to tell you…


I promise not to make the intro too long here, because your eyeballs will probably pop out of your head before you read all these tweets. But just a few of things:

First, a very heartfelt goodbye to @oneluckypuppy who finally made it to the bridge this week. He was a good dog and fine companion to my friend Candy (@candysteele) and her family.

Second, a very big THANK YOU to my twitter and bloggy friend Leslie (@oliveshoot) for my new fantabulous twitter button. She is an amazingly creative lady. You should visit here site – very kewl.

Third, guess how tweets are listed below. Give up? 100. Guess how many I had total. Give up? Um, yes that would be three hundred and forty-seven. That is lawsome! (lame + awesome = lawsome.)

Without further adieu, the best of me on twitter:

  • @givingupperfect Turn off twitter completely? Shut your mouth!
  • @jerdavcpa Oh Man! How suck would that be?
  • Would someone please tell Vince Antonucci to get a twitter account? He’d be all up in this.
  • @tremendousnews And of course, you could never say anything bad about me. Seeing as though you pink fuzzy heart me and all.
  • @tremendousnews When are you going to roast me? Oh, wait – I need to be famous, & I suppose you would need something bad to say about me.
  • @bryanallain What about when you tuck your shirt into your underwear? That’s pretty classy.
  • @billycoffey “finally saw the light”? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Oh, wait. I get it. Good analogy.
  • Irony: You make fun of internet millionaires only to have them follow you
  • @ofmercy I dunno, Mercury is pretty small right? I’ve slept through worse. Course, that’s when I drank alot…
  • So, what exactly is a “internet millionaire”? Are you only rich online? Sort of like Yoville on Facebook?
  • @buzzbyannies You’re such a hick.
  • Oooo! Look at @billycoffey being a redneck twitter ho! He’s a quick study!
  • @billycoffey Shut up, Billy. I know you missed my sage wisdom and wonderfullness.
  • Which reminds me of a funny misheard song lyric by Elton John: “Hold me closer Tony Danza”
  • @Helenatrandom Thanks for shamelessly promoting my blog in my absence.
  • @PuriChristos No, dang it! Hardly any redneck drunks at all! I guess Wednesday’s not a big day for that. That boat is sa-weet, though.
  • @CandySteele Oh, man! The bag phone? Didn’t they use that in ancient Greece?
  • @PeterPollock, @tremendousnews Ahhh….the brick phone. I remember it well!
  • @PeterPollock Hey, guess what I bought at the Walmarts? Hot dogs.
  • @marni71 Oh, yes. And let’s not forget the fantastic jean shorts cut offs cut with a deer knife! Fabulous!
  • Cool game: If you have a blogger account, click on “next blog” and leave a completely random comment on your neighbor’s blog
  • Go ahead, ask me anything. I might even tell you the truth
  • @godhasablog Oh, and I gave you credit twice, cuz I’m reverent like that…
  • @godhasablog @godhasablog @Helenatrandom I always give credit to Helen. She one of my favorite people in the world!
  • @shrinkingcamel Who said anything about CEO’s being human?
  • LET THE HEAVENS AND EARTH DECLARE! @godhasablog has announced the winner: AWESOME CAT!
  • godhasablog Would you please tell @becks_beer to put his face back on his avatar? He won’t listen to me!
  • @redclaydiaries Yes. I am shameless. What’s your point?
  • Hey everyone! Send @godhasablog and vote for Awesome Cat. If you don’t, you’re dead to me!
  • This just in: @CHRIS_Daughtry still not following me on twitter. @godhasablog – can you help a sister out?
  • @godhasablog Aw, come on! Can’t you spot me one eternal damnation?
    @BigBags You are so going to hell.
  • @redclaydiaries I don’t want to go against the will of @godhasablog, but Steph – It’s AWESOME CAT!
  • @godhasablog Oh, wait! I change my vote to Awesome Cat, like @helenatrandom!
  • @redclaydiaries Oh shut up! @godhasablog said superb creation, not “what the hell was I thinking?”
  • @godhasablog the platypus.
  • @davidgs Well, good to know. I was worried that you were in an unfortunate hunting accident with Dick Cheny.
  • @chrissulli You report to me? That’s just disturbing on so many levels.
  • Thanks for all the new follows today, even though I have no idea why any of you people follow me…
  • @davidgs Hey!! Where ya been?
  • @authorjjhebert I’m a nasty pimp. @billycoffey is my star writing ho, but I’m trying to get a few others in the stable.
  • @redclaydiaries Okay, I’ve been away. Did someone poop in the pool?
  • @mabeswife Oh, who said anything about a decent post? I just have to write a little. I have guest bloggers do the heavy lifiting.
  • @chrissulli Oh, okay…And I’m the one who’s supposed to lay off of @loswhit ?
  • @OneLuckyPuppy Love you! Run and play!
  • @muchl8r I’m bloody excellent. Thanks for asking.
  • @buzzbyannies Don’t be showing your skinny butt crack at me! ( )
  • @buzzbyannies I don’t know what that’s like, but I know what it’s like to pretend to be independently wealthy. It’s da bomb!
  • @loswhit Not that I’ve ever done this myself, but I’ve heard Gold Schlagger works wonders on the pipes. (AHEM!)
  • @Becks_Beer If the bottle is winning, there are some sad, sad people out there! Come on face! (that’s what she said)
  • @glennhilton I actually carry a foam middle finger. Much more celebratory.
  • @itsajohnson Thanks. Now I can sleep tonight. Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. But thanks.
  • Dang it! @CHRIS_Daughtry still not following me! He must not know who I am…
  • Did the Lakers win? Is basketball over with? I have no clue.
  • @Bunnieblog Facebook is annoying, no?
  • @xjkradicoolx I’m considering getting twitter on my blackberry, but then I would never speak to anyone in the real world.
  • I freaking love Twitter!
  • @LevelTen_Colin Of course, moonshine is also a good choice, but you gotta know people.
  • @LevelTen_Colin I think a good box wine goes well with BBQ.
  • @redclaydiaries Look, Steph, I don’t need to hearing about your sexual exploits on the twitter. That’s why I blocked Nasty Brittney!
  • @redclaydiaries GETCHERFREAKON!
  • @redclaydiaries would he like me to send him a “best of the ho” update?
  • @redclaydiaries Yeah. Quite an honor, huh? And yet your husband still refuses to follow me on Twitter!
  • @PeterPollock Dude, you’ve been reading my blog way too much!
  • You know what? I’m gonna copy @billycoffey and have an open question post. Of course, I reserve the right to lie.
  • @CandySteele Shut up. It could happen. I voted for him and boycotted the show after he was voted off.
  • Annndddd….still waiting.
  • Anxiously awaiting follow by @CHRIS_Daughtry…….
  • @CHRIS_Daughtry I notice you are only following 24 people. You should follow me, make it an even 25.
  • @PuriChristos Clearly. Also? I use the word “that” alot.
  • With twitter being down for maint the other night, I thought I wouldn’t have any material for Friday. Cleary, I was wrong.
  • It’s a good thing you people can’t see my DM’s. You might be shocked and appauled. What’s that? You already are?
  • @redclaydiaries What about a headcheese sandwich. (oops, just threw up in my mouth)
  • @redclaydiaries Yes. A ham sandwich. Also? More cookie dough.
  • @redclaydiaries Do you know what’s good with cookie dough?
  • @redclaydiaries Thanks for sharing your conversation with Charlie and 3,000 of your closest friends
  • @PeterPollock Congrats on being my first commenter. Apparently that’s kind of a big deal. Why? No clue.
  • I am tragically lazy, but I do love Jesus:
  • I am only slightly offended that “Annie K boobs” was a close second to “Katdish” in my keyword searches.
  • @ALauderdale Hint – In your radio interview, do not say “LOL”.
  • @jamieworley Whew! I gotta check Google Analytics more often! That was funny!
  • Okay, one more. I got some blog fodder right here: butt crack basketball game! AWESOME!
  • Wait…there’s more: look there goes a chicken, how much do plates forks and spoons cost at walmart?, Annie K boobs
  • Keyword searches that lead people to my blog: boob smileys, furry guitars, rock the grannie panties, that is one bad buffet.
  • @chrissulli Dude! You’re at Yankee Stadium? @billycoffey would be so jealous! Don’t forget my autograph!
  • @glennhilton I’ll follow just about anyone. I have incredibly low standards.
  • @weightwhat All you need is a lighter and some Aquanet
  • @muchl8r Keep digging that hole, Jake!
  • Oh for the love of Gumby! Is a uterus required in order to put leftovers into tupperware instead of directly in the fridge?
  • @weightwhat No. Facebook is dead to me. I’m doing bloggy bidness.
  • @CandySteele “Look, if you don’t give me a quarter for this, I’m giving it to charity. Now get out of my face!”
  • @CandySteele Here’s what I hate about garage sales – You mark something 25 cents, they want to give you a dime. (cont.)
  • @weightwhat You are TWITTER HO FIRE this morning!
  • I’m shameless, I know.
  • Hey, read my blog!:
  • @weightwhat Yes. A duct taped crown adorned with sarcasm. Me likey.
  • @bryanallain Also, do you know what’s good with cheezits? A ham sandwich.
  • @weightwhat we have that magical twitter ho telepathy going on.
  • @pwilson I hear they’re having a special on roof monkeys. Might want to look into that
  • @mabeswife Shut up about the housework and the pancake making! I just told my son to eat a cookie for breakfast!
  • @xjkradicoolx I know, sometimes it sucks being me. Oh, who am I kidding? It rocks being me!

Love it, Hate it – It’s the Friday Twitter Update!

Well here we are again, people! It’s Friday, so it must be time for the long awaited Twitter update. Now, you high brow people can pretend to look down your nose at me, but I happen to know that Friday is one of my biggest traffic days. So, either you enjoy judging me or you enjoy my updates. Either way, I’m cool with that. This is purely for my own enjoyment. As always, backward order, most recent first. As always, I am THAT lazy.

AHEM! The best of me on Twitter:

And by “majestic birds of prey”, I mean buzzards eating what might be my neighbor’s cat.

Working on tomorrow’s post featuring majestic birds of prey.

@docmarkelliott “passive income on twitter”? What about passive-aggressive income? My mom would be all up in that!

Whaa, huh? I have over 300 followers? You people have horribly low standards.

@mabeswife What is Earth 2100? I’m not a geek. I just seem to attract them.

Okay, really leaving now.

Must…..leave…….and finish work!

Could the end times be near? Me thinks, yes.

Katdish featured on High Calling Blogs:

@PuriChristos “Weird” is a relative term, no?

@llbarkat Yes, well. It’ good to have goals. (Or so I’ve been told)

@br8kthru Now, Jason…I couldn’t have a twitter update w/o you in there somewhere!

@shrinkingcamel Oh, thank you Bradley. I’m completely undeserving, but I’ll take it.

@goodwordediting Ooooo! Are you kidding me? I really AM pseudo famous! YAY!

RT @badbanana: To me, the glass is half full. Yes, of doom and despair, but still.

Thinking of a blog post tomorrow. Gonna be short and sweet. I have buzzard pictures.

I know it’s not Friday, but follow this chick. She is stinking hilarious!: @asilannax

RT @asilannax: Verbal irony: it’s a diplomatic way of using the word “sarcastic”

@pwilson Are we having hair issues this morning, Pete?

@blogomomma Er, yeah…Great voice. That too.

@blogomomma and thanks for the heads up on dirty rocker Chris Daughtry! My first celebrity follow. I luv me some Chris Daughtry!

@blogomomma Oh yes. Tres ghettofabulous!

@pwilson Seriously, dude. How do you stay so thin? You’re ALWAYS eating!

@blogomomma You are so ghetto for a white woman.

@Helenatrandom Ewh, ewh, EWH!

@buzzbyannies Don’t hate me because I’m irresponsible and lazy. There’s so much more to hate me for.

Follow my friend @muchl8r. He’s my favorite cranky ho.

What the heck? How did I get so many followers so quickly? I’m sure I’ll cause someone to unfollow. The day is young!

@PeterPollock I did not mention Osteen to bring in more followers, but it did. Let me repeat: NOT A FAN!

And now I really need to get off the twitter (that’s what she said) Goodnight!

Dear New Followers: Thanks for the follow, really. But I think you need to know, I am NOT a fan of Joel Osteen. Not. At. All.

@xjkradicoolx No, I’m not @billycoffey. He’s a real live Virginia redneck that happens to be an excellent writer

Okay, goodnight twitter! Gotta get a few hours shut eye so I can enrich all your lives tomorrow!

Okay, swear – last time I shamelessly self promote myself (until tomorrow)

@CandySteele No! Twitter stole your twitter button! Farging Bastitches!

@ofmercy It’s not ironic. I happen to have been awarded an honorary man card. Therefore, I can go there.

@chrissulli Ooooo! “To Katdish – you complete me. Love, Dr. Keller” (or something like that.)

So, you think you’re a man, huh? Check THIS out:

@Helenatrandom I’m here, but only long enough to shamelessly self promote my blog. Then I gotta go to Target.

@Brian_Russell You should get that cookbook 101 Ways to Wok a Dog.

@CandySteele No. Stupid, stupid twitter buttons!

@muchl8r Well eat something already!

@chrissulli I know, right? You’re working on that autograph from Dr. Keller for me aren’t you?

@br8kthru as if your dork card was ever in question, Jason!

RT @tremendousnews: Don’t worry. I’ll never unfollow you. Not because I find your tweets valuable, more because of devastating laziness

@jewdacris4 Please clarify. You hate Mondays, or you hate all of us, or both?

RT @muchl8r: For the record, i am NOT the rain cloud that makes mean little animals. Get off it!
RT @jasonboyett: if at first you don’t succeed, maybe you shouldn’t be a tattoo artist.

@allofcraigslist I stand corrected.

@pwilson – for the record, that post was written by @billycoffey, not me. Although I am freakishly strong for a girl.

Go buy this book:

@redclaydiaries I am simply attempting to enrich lives thru the power of social media. Also, I’m a twitter ho

@CandySteele @redclaydiaries I’ve got more half written posts than you’ve had hot meals.

@bryanallain I hope you include teenagers mauled by bears. One of my personal faves.

RT @TimMoore: Reminder – Twitter isn’t Craigslist. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Um, yeah – exactly)

@redclaydiaries I’m not manic. I just have my low carb monster groove on!

@CandySteele @redclaydiaries You’re both slackers, and good morning Steph!

@weightwhat because you’re a twitter ho. Good morning ho!

@tremendousnews Based upon the number of new followers, your dinner has been upgraded to Hobbit Cafe from Whataburger.

Alright. Gotta go do some mindless painting. Another day another…oh I forget how much I’m charging for this job.

@tremendousnews and for whatever it’s worth, I mostly only RT your tweets. Consider yourself special.

@tremendousnews thanks. I big red monkey butt heart you!

RT @tremendousnews: Follow @katdish. She RTs pretty much anything. How much you wanna bet she’ll RT this as well?

@pwilson If the cops break up your golf game, you might be a redneck.

@candysteele, @helenatrandom, @redclaydiaries, @weightwhat, et. al. – What’s up? I am trying to stay off the twitter – need intervention

Going to the mall. Not looking forward to it. Friday night = mall gangstas

So I’m getting all the friend requests on facebook from people that think I’m really nice. Time to wrap that account up.

@JC_the_saviour Also, I would never make fun of you. This was a Jesus Cheeto. Very different. Have you seen the Jesus frying pan?

@JC_the_saviour Whoa. You’re a little shorter than what I had imagined.

@PuriChristos Spellbinding, no?

Are you writing this stuff down people?

So, I bought some Jalapeno Flavored Cheetos today. Question: If I found a Jesus Cheeto, would I pronounce it “Hay-Zoose”? Curious…

Have you seen the Jesus Cheeto?:

@oliveshoot Just pretend you’re famous. You know, be really rude to waitstaff and be drunk in public. Trust me, you’re golden!

@oliveshoot Well, since I am following you and you are following me, we are both SUPER COOL.

Off to carpool! Katdish – blogger, mother, wife and ROCKSTAR!

@br8kthru See, I have to try really hard not to think funny things, even in the most inappropriate circumstances. That’s how I roll.

@peaseplan Dude – “flippy floppies”? Unfollow!

Bonus Round Responses from some of my favorite Twitter Buddies:

@marni71: @katdish I wake each day and say that to the mirror…it does suck to not be you

@purichristos: @katdish So they give me my account back and you just go on about Jesus Cheeto?

@weightwhat: @katdish – What twitter buttons? I feel my twitter ho senses tingling…

@CandySteele: @katdish can’t you just autopromote since you do it a dozen times a day? twss

@redclaydiaries: @katdish Katdish is a twitter ho. -Stephanie Wetzel

@helenatrandom: @br8kthru katdish wants us to tweet funny stuff to include in her twitter post tomorrow. I am nothing if not delightfully helpful. And odd.

@br8kthru: @katdish how about a slight chuckle? Would that count?

@peterpollock: @katdish @redclaydiaries The shiny vampire thing sounds much more marketable ๐Ÿ™‚

@shrinkingcamel: @katdish Course we missed you. Life on Tweet is not the same.

@billycoffey: @katdish Oh, wait. Deadliest Catch marathon. There goes the rest of my day…

@muchl8r: @katdish I’m not sure how the crap you do it. I’m still at like. . .30 or something?

I have a bunch more twitter buddies, but this is getting seriously, epically long. So I’ll catch up with those guys nex time!

And stop following me all you prosperity gospel types. I find you incredibly annoying. (In love, of course. Always in Christian love.)

On the Tweet Deck

Wow. Twitter is nuts. I have a very ecclectic mix of people I follow, and boy does that make things interesting. I may have had some unfollows this week. I’m really not sure. It’s really hard to keep up with the comings and goings of all those folks. But for those whom I may have offended and caused to unfollow me, I offer the following:

Tweeps, we live in a world that has tweetdecks and those tweetdecks need to be guarded by people with sarcasm. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mrs. Rainbow Unicorn Avatar? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Extreme Makeover – Home Edition and curse my irreverence; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that monkey butt referenced tweets, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that tweetdeck, you need me on that tweetdeck. We use words like that’s what she said. We use them as the backbone of a life trying to mock something. You use them as a disapproving unfollow. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a twit who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very ridiculousness I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a keyboard and post a tweet. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Okay people, there are a whole lotta tweets here. Again they are in backwards order. Yeah, yeah. I’m lazy. I’m so lazy I have guest bloggers so I can spend more quality time with my family and on twitter. (Kidding.) (Sort of). Feel free to stop reading when your eyes begin to glaze over. Dang. I really need to get out more…

And now from your favorite twitter ho and her friends:

I just googled myself (that’s what she said). I am officially OVEREXPOSED!

But seriously, how does one type that out?

#trueconfession Even though I type “snort” on twitter, I really often laugh like Muttley the Dog.

@br8kthru Okay. I ranted incessantly and feel much better now. Thanks.

@br8kthru Hey Jason – What are 5 more things you just don’t get?

@oliveshoot Yeah, there’s a mushy katdish. I don’t let her out much, though…

Okay – send me a tweet if you want me to do a #followfriday on you. Yes, I am THAT lazy.

@FilmLadd No, silly! A dog and cat have more votes than you. And that’s none of your damn business!

Okay – Who hasn’t read my sappy, emotional post today?: @godhasablog – have you?

@mabeswife No. Me + Sewing Machine = bad.

@mabeswife The words “cool” “sewing” and “tutorial” do not belong in the same sentence.

@davidgs Thank you. I will now conduct an in depth study on cat yodeling.

@billycoffey Aw, thanks. Even though it may endanger my man card.

@AmberAusten I think it’s called, “Don’t they know what causes that?” (when asked, “What is the name of that show with the 17 kids?”)

Ugh! The teen angst on Facebook is getting really, really annoying!

@yourbetterbody is now following me on twitter. Well, make it snappy will ya? Bathing suit season is upon us!

@FilmLadd Oh, wait…I can vote more than once? Did ACORN set this vote up?

@Becks_Beer Yay! Your face is back!

@FilmLadd I’m actually originally from Virginia, which is also sexy, but I’m in Texas now.

@FilmLadd About Texas women being the sexiest. If you would stop tweeting for 2 seconds I could get a word in edgewise!

@davidgs My dh also has a fever. He is currently in a thera-flu induced coma.

@FilmLadd Fish Bathing? What is that? No, I want to Lord over people!

@FilmLadd Okay, I just voted for you, even though there was a shiny vampire in there that I was really tempted to vote for. I want POWER!

@PeterPollock At least the avatar LOOKS like the Queen of England. But now that I think about it, she had a 5 o’clock shadow.

@PeterPollock Dude. If you’re applying to be @billycoffey’s nasty pimp, forget it. I’ve already got that title!

@PeterPollock We’ve only been friends for awhile. Give it time, I’ll corrupt you before long.

RT @jewdacris Just had a Christmas shoes moment, only it was an old guy buying himself shoes & i don’t think he’s trying to look pretty for Jesus tonight

For my new follower who believes in God, Jesus and Buddah – You’re wrong, dude. There’s only One Way to God (hint-not Buddah)

@katdish Cuz she’ll never see that tweet. Well, she might see it on my post friday.

@Helenatrandom Oh she’s a ho. Also? She doesn’t use twitter. So she’s a nasty ho.

@Helenatrandom I’m not a shoe ho, I’m a twitter ho. Big difference.

@pwilson Do you need me to come down there and punch him in the kidneys? I will, you know.

@Helenatrandom @marni71 and I were discussing whether Rob Bell is really on twitter. Hence the pauses.

@marni71 Were his tweets too specific and doctrinal?

@marni71 do you have a direct line to him? (wondering if it’s the real Rob Bell)

@pwilson How am I supposed to lay down some life changing wisdom if I can’t comment?

@pwilson Seriously, dude. I still can’t comment on your blog. Get someone on that would ya?

@marni71 well

@marni71 it looks

@marni71 like him.

I wonder if


will have tweets

that look like this.

Rabid Rob Bell fans: Bring it!

@chrissulli So, what you’re saying is you used to have bloggerrhea, but now you are blogstipated?

@Helenatrandom Well, I hope you’re happy. You made me look, and now I just threw up in my mouth.

@Helenatrandom Sweet fancy Moses! Would you stop with the head cheese already?

@Becks_Beer Well, I like your face, but I’m shallow like that…

@tremendousnews That was funny. Pathetic and sad – but also funny.

@Becks_Beer Okay. I really like the other avatar better.

Hand to God – this is the most butt-ugly cat you’re ever going to see:

Alright, gotta go watch Deadliest Catch to see if they piss and moan the whole time like they did last week.

@davidgs You’re such a bad influence on me. Almost enough to unfollow. (But I can’t.)

@davidgs Wow. I think you’re more sarcastic than I am. That’s a pretty big deal.

@shrinkingcamel seriously, Bradley! Do you not understand the power of shameless self-promotion via twitter?

@pwilson Okay, I just tried to leave a comment on your blog 3 times to no avail. I’m fixin’ to write you a snarky anonymous email!

Okay! Who missed me? (Please don’t crash the twitter with your overwhelming responses!)

@CandySteele So, I guess that dog’s real name should have been “Unlucky”?

@marni71 Well, apparently Candy’s dog ate his own testicles.

@redclaydiaries Some people love my abuse. I’ve built quite a following because of it. It doesn’t rival yours, but still.

@redclaydiaries As to your comment on my blog? Shut up.

During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. #randomfacts

RT @tremendousnews: I’m not saying she’s ugly, but if she were a font, she’d be wingdings.

If you think it sucks waking up alone, think about spending eternity without the One who made you. (from my pastor this morning)

@CandySteele Well, it is after all, a Jesus Cheeto

@PuriChristos @weightwhat @CandySteele This conversation is going downhill fast!

@CandySteele @PuriChristos Or the Jesus Cheeto. Did anyone see the Jesus Cheeto?

@PuriChristos I think you should start the ceremony with “Maaa-wige!”

@charliewetzel two words: leaf blower. Also? Your wife want a riding vacuum cleaner.


Dang! Gotta go to the Kroger. They hate me there. Maybe I’ll get some more incriminating pornographic cheese butler pics!

RT @AuntMarvel: In Portland on a layover getting my drunk on. And by “drunk” I mean “onion rings and ice water.” HOLY HELL I AM SO BORING.

RT @davidgs: Pro Tip: You’re not going to get rich quick with twitter. It’s not magic. So please, bugger the hell off, would you?

@billycoffey burned meat and baseball? What a completely mantastic day!

Annnnndddd……That’s what she said! Goodnight!

Hubby is finally home. Time to stop talking into the twitter.

I truly am shameless. ..

@MichaelHyatt Seriously, I gotta get me a copy of that book. You should send me one. A katdish recommedation is a rare & beautiful thing.

@CandySteele Look, I just watched 300 last night. Don’t make me come to Iowa!

@weightwhat My HMC (honorary man card) is secure in my back hip pocket. Right next to my firearm.

Oh, what the CRAP? Creepy gecko lizard on the bedroom floor. Went to get a paper towel to pick it up, got back and it was gone! ARGH!

Oh shameless self-promotion, how I love thee…

@MichaelHyatt – I concur. You can’t read everyone’s blog. But you should totally read mine:

@Helenatrandom Glad to hear you’re wearing undies.

Good Saturday Morning, Y’all! Who missed me?

Okay. Off to the post office to mail out flamingos and skank fairies!

Okay, wuddup with the astronaut robot retweeting my tweets?

All Right! Gotta go interface with the non virtual people!

@weschicklit are you kidding me? Put the twitter down, woman!

I’m sorry people. I seem to be having quite a few that’s what she said moments, let’s see: monkey butt

@kdet62 that’s what she said.

AHEM! Please follow @godhasablog #followfriday. And remember to thank him in advance for the great parking space at the mall!

@Becks_Beer That’s what HE said!

@godhasablog Oh, and thanks for answering the whole “where’s my client contact folder” prayer.

Answer: If you were a client contacts folder, you would be under a giant pile of laundry. AHEM!

If you were a client contact folder, where would you be? Hint – not in my briefcase.

@redclaydiaries that’s what she said..

@redclaydiaries I knew you were going to say that.

@muchl8r, @helenatrandom, @weightwhat – Skank fairies and plastic flamingo yard art in route today!

@oliveshoot Waste time on twitter (check!)

@redclaydiaries Or “learn how Twitter pays my bills”. Yeah – if you live in a van down by the river!

Oh Houston humidity! How I loathe you!

You have a creepy brown avatar and your only tweet says “How to gain more followers”? Unfollow

@davidgs of course, I might be a tad jaded, I’ve worked on political campaigns before…

@davidgs regardless of political affiliation, they are mostly all hacks, and most would sell their grandmothers to gypsies.

Seen at the 12 items or less register: whip cream, douche and a lawn chair (hmmm….)

@davidgs oh, you’re such a grumpy ho!

Now come on people. Follow me. It will be fun. Unless you’re that creepy nasty Brittney chick that I had to block. In that case, “Shoo! Shoo!”

To follow or not to follow…

Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Did I have fun on Twitter last week! Picked up a bunch of new followers, including none other than Mr. @prodigaljohn himself! Say what you will, there’s something to be said for being incredibly annoying. It just works for me. My sister in sarcasm, @stacyasmallSFL finally broke down and joined twitter. Unfortunately, at the time of this posting, she still has a very creep avatar. She’s probably only leaving it up to annoy me.

I seem to have the same audience on twitter as I do on this blog. Lots of dudes, not so many women. But the women that do follow and I follow back are wicked awesome cool. One very kind, Christ centered lady, after a series of rather monkey butt rich tweets between @purichristos, @redclaydiaries, @weightwhat, and @helenatrandom sent me a tweet asking if I had read a particular book by a Christian author. I told her that I had, and that I loved it. I’m wondering if she believed me…

Rather than retweet entire conversations, I’m only going to post my end of the conversation. It’s more random that way. Also, I’m lazy. Please note that they are in reverse chronological order. I was going for a cool, “Pulp Fiction” sort of vibe. Okay, not really. Again – lazy.

Ladies and gentlemen: the best of me on Twitter:

@davidgs Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m okay with that.

#chidren’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit – The Farm where Your Dog Really Goes

#children’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit : The Old Hobo’s infected Toe


@pwilson No, wait…you said you want to FOCUS? Nevermind

@pwilson My advice? Read my blog.

@Mix933 Hey, you’re welcome. But I wasn’t listening. I’m not much of a listener…What?

@PeterPollock Well, at least I blow dried my cabinet doors. All is not lost!

@br8kthru Thanks, Alaska! I feel much better now!

Ugh! Almost 2 pm and I have got a whole lotta nothing done! Low Carb Monster, STAT!

Houston humidity has reduced me to blow drying cabinet doors. I love my life!

RT @BigBags: “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” – Demetri

@PeterPollock I have a new post! Are you telling me I’m not in your RSS feeder? If that’s the case Peter – you’re dead to me!

Good morning (again)! For Gumby’s sake, would someone in the Greater Houston area please come fix my tweetdeck. I am that dumb.

@helenatrandom eats head cheese, and I think that’s disgusting! #randomfact

@MichaelHyatt Wait…you have a blog? (snort – just kidding)

I couldn’t care less who won on American Idol #

I ate a cheese and pickle sammich for dinner and it was delightful #randomfact

@iamstesha “All up in my twitter business” that’s what she said.

@PeterPollock I know. He hates me.

@iamstesha Hey! At least your husband is on twitter. My husband doesn’t even read my blog. Which is probably a good thing, really.

@br8kthru Ugh! I hate magicians! I don’t need to pay people to lie to me. That’s what the federal government is for.

@muchl8r Yeah, some people have to just suck the fun out of everything.

@loswhit you. and yet you continue to ignore me…

Is now being followed by drunken texts, scantily clad co-eds and magic eye lift procedures. Not sure I like this trend.

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re a drunk.” #badquotes

“I have really bad health insurance. The only hospital on my plan is the Imitation Mayo Clinic.” #badquotes

“I called a discount exterminator. A guy showed up with a rolled up newspaper.” #badquotes

@KevinMartineau Authenticity is critical. If you can fake that, you’re pretty much golden.

Just checked my Google Analytics Keyword Search. There are some strange people out there. Oh, and welcome!

RT @davidgs: Boss has called a ‘brief’ status meeting. Gobbling xanax like M&Ms

@oliveshoot I have no clue what you just said.

@PeterPollock Failure? Nah, I have to write about something I’m familiar with.

Post written for Friday. Nada for tomorrow. Topics? Anyone? Anyone?

“We all deserve someone who likes us for who we are pretending to be.” #badquotes

Wet paint in garage + yard guys = sucks being me

@TimMoore seriously – you don’t want to go cheap on haircuts, lasik or plastic surgery.

“PETA says don’t eat anything w/a face. My standards are more relaxed: Don’t eat anything w/a job” #badquotes

“Fruit only angers my need for chocolate.” #badquotes

@PuriChristos Seriously, Nick. They already know monkey butt. It’s a small church.

Trying to plan a lesson for kid’s church tomorrow. Scary…I know.

Hey, read @billycoffey ‘s blog today. Excellent writer. Twitterer? Not so much

@stacyasmallSFL – while you’re changing your haircolor, could you change that creepy @$$ avatar?

@davidgs Oh, promises, promises!

@davidgs Please don’t unfollow me. I find your avatar strangely compelling…

@davidgs Hey! How’s everyone? What’s everyone talking about? (snort!)

#whyifollow – because I will always refollow pastor types. I need all the prayers I can get!

@awsaufley Just don’t break down and buy a white computer. My image of you would be shattered beyond repair.

@PuriChristos Look, do you want me to read your blog post, or not? (So far, so good, btw)

@PuriChristos Sorry, dude. Walmart, girly birthday party, then girly wedding shower. Had to come home and wash the girlyness off.

Alright people. Time to play no-shoe, tattoo, dirty t-shirt bingo at the Wal*Marts! Peace out!

@oliveshoot Yes, I know…but when you can simply delight in your own hilarity, who needs a wide audience?

@oliveshoot I know! I crack MYSELF up!

That’s what she said…

RT @PuriChristos: @katdish On donkey kong’s monkey butt? I think that might be illegal in most countries

@PuriChristos Oh, that’s okay. I know you. The magic is gone…

#whyifollow – because superhero avatars are H-A-W-T!

#whyifollow – because I pink fuzzy heart the eastern seaboard

@davidgs you are a bit of a bad boy, aren’t you?

@Helenatrandom Hey, that’s not an accurate statement. There’s a whole host of reasons I make fun of her.

@PuriChristos Oh Nick! I’m on that like Donkey monkey butt kong! Give me 3 days! Monkey butt infamy!

Sweet Fancy Moses! God (@godhasablog) just wrote a post of #FOTTSP! Sure, He’s griping at us, but I’m totally used to that!

@PuriChristos One a week? Um, er…yeah…Me too.

@PuriChristos Am I safe to assume you have a good supply of low carb monster on hand?

Good Morning Twitterville! How may I enrich your lives through the magic of social media? But make it snappy. I gotta go to Walmart.

@shrinkingcamel yes, bradley. I wasn’t going to mention the whole tenet thing, because I’m polite like that…

There now. All better.

It’s been hours since I shamelessly self promoted my blog!:

Wow two hat follows in one day. That’s gotta be some kind of record.

RT @redclaydiaries: Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos, you complete me.

#whyifollow because your monkey butt really IS shaped like a heart. And that’s disgustingly adorable!

@SheLives Sadly, she has stopped taking my calls.

@redclaydiaries Yes. It is captivatingly disgusting…

@SheLives does this mean I can’t celebrity worship you anymore? Oh, well…Tina Weymouth was getting a bit jealous anyway.

@PuriChristos but could you put a profile pic? Monkey butt or awesome cat?

@PuriChristos Oh thank you Nick! You the big geeky man!

@muchl8r maybe @baconjesus could have helped you pass that stone. You should probably follow him.

RT @PuriChristos: @redclaydiaries like when I tweeted douche

@redclaydiaries I can’t believe you’re following @baconjesus. I won’t even go there!

@prodigaljohn – please follow @jamieworley She’s very nice and not at all like me.

@jamieworley sorry. my bad…ahem!

@PuriChristos well get on that geek boy!

@redclaydiaries Oh, stop! You’re making me miss my mother!

@prodigaljohn welcome to the ugly underbelly of SCL commenters.

@redclaydiaries you never said you wanted a crap closet flamingo! email me your address.

@PuriChristos it never ends well. That’s why it’s so awesome.

@PuriChristos Nice…throw me under the monkey butt bus!

@stretchmarkmama annoying, adorable, um…that’s pretty much it.

@emevalentine “what do I do that’s annoying”? You obviously haven’t been following me very long. Maybe you should check out my blog.

#whyifollow – because I find your black derby hat equally engaging and disturbing.

@redclaydiaries look, I don’t have the kind of time. I’m busy being pseudo famous.

@PuriChristos Oh, like @prodigaljohn isn’t following her! (I already checked – he is)

@PuriChristos Are you happy now? I’ve pulled out considerable stops.

@prodigaljohn – please follow @helenatrandom, @purichristos (Nick), @redclaydiaries, @candysteele, @weightwhat, @marni71, @buzzbyannies

I’ve pretty much built a name for myself being incredibly annoying.

Who says being incredibly annoying doesn’t have its advantages?

LET THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH DECLARE: @prodigaljohn is now following me on twitter! (Dang – totally out of material now)

@Helenatrandom (crickets chirping)

#whyitweet because being random and annoying on my blog and yours just isn’t enough for me.

@redclaydiaries do you think I just have a giant closet of random crap that I give out to all my friends? (Because I totally do)

@Helenatrandom If by “It’s katdish’s fault”, you mean, “Thank you, katdish may I have another”. Then yes. It’s katdish’s fault.

Oh come ON! Please don’t yell in the twitter (that’s what she said)? Hello? (tap, tap, tap) Is this mic on? That’s GOLD people!

@redclaydiaries THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

RT @redclaydiaries: @PuriChristos Please don’t yell in the Twitter.

@PuriChristos I’ll have you know, that some people finding me rather engaging and adorable. Isn’t that right @Brian_Russell?

@Helenatrandom Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Do not say head cheese!

@weightwhat It’s coming! I’m having a hard time finding a flamingo shipping box. Those are not stock items.

RT @Brian_Russell: #whyitweet : Because my Grandmother got a Facebook, and I think the Apocalypse is nigh… I’ll hide here.

@PuriChristos No, that would be Beth. She and Mare have the most crap from me.

@redclaydiaries but mostly me…

@PuriChristos that’s what she said…

@weightwhat Don’t be ridiculous, Wendy. I’m @redclaydiaries favorite. She big red monkey butt hearts me the most

RT @PuriChristos: @katdish you are enjoying this WAY to much. Don’t look at the Shillelagh anymore. It is corrupting you.

RT @PuriChristos: ewww @katdish did it again. FIRE FIRE FIRE

RT @PuriChristos: @tremendousnews dangit, I think @katdish did my first retweet. Now I feel kinda dirty (out damn spot kinda dirty)

@stacyasmallSFL I’m sorry — I cannot respond to a creepy brown avatar with blue circle eyes.

Oh, and if @prodigaljohn follows @stacyasmallSFL and not me, we’re through, PJ!

Attention! Attention! @stacyasmallSFL is now on twitter. I am quiet and demure compared to her.

When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a moderately well managed Presbyterian Youth Center. – Emo Phillips

RT @Erinbeekeeper: Cannot believe how dumb some people are! also, I want sonic.

@Erinbeekeeper nice transition there, Erin.

Have you read my blog today? People, I’m not writing this stuff for my own enjoyment! (Okay, maybe I am, but still.)

@loswhit I would love one. Thank you!

I was feeling empty. Not quite understanding what was wrong we me. Then I remembered to drink my low carb monster. Now all is good.

@godhasablog Would you write for us if I sent you an invite? That would be kind of a big deal…

“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial” – Ava Gardner

@authorjeremy Oh fine! Unfollow! (just kidding)

@authorjeremy OH-EM-GEE! Are you telling me that you know Stephen King? He’s my scary writer hero!

@authorjeremy I LOVE scary authors with a guitar. Will Stephen King be involved?

@PeterPollock Oh, you’re just saying that because it’s true!

#followfriday: @tremendousnews. that’s really all you need.

RT @tremendousnews: Thank you for your #followfriday. Kindly use the disclaimer: “he has all the appeal of an invasive surgery”

@loswhit sorry about that last tweet, I don’t know how your name got on there. Carry on.

@loswhit @marni71 and how come SFL isn’t on twitter yet? She’d be all up in this.

@levittmike Yes! That just might work! Thank you. Can you call my client for me?

Oooo! Some hot young guy just called me baby!

@LevelTen_Colin what is friendfeed? Sounds expensive. My friends eat a lot.

@Becks_Beer Are you following me yet? You totally should be..

@weightwhat Nah…too obvious.

Dear @stunned_beef , Sweet fancy Moses! I don’t even want to know how you came up with that name.

I need an excuse as to why I’m not painting cabinet door right now. Please submit in 140 characters or less.

@muchl8r you’re worried about sounding stupid to ME? I thought you knew me better than that. I’m all up in stupid.

@muchl8r I ALWAYS have fun being a bum! Now, if I could just get paid for it…

@whataboutbobdog I’m so lazy, I’m thinking about getting one of those voice box doo-hickys so I don’t even have to type.

@whataboutbobdog LINK, PLEASE!

@godhasablog Sounds good. And I want to thank you in advance for the excellent parking space at the airport

I’m not kidding. If you want me to leave a comment on your blog, you better give me a link. I’m feeling extra lazy this morning.

@redclaydiaries so did you actually go for a walk with Charlie, or did he pull you around in a wagon?

@jewdacris4 seriously, that rises to a new level of craptastic!

@jewdacris4 Are you freaking kidding me with that video?

@godhasablog Go ahead. I’ll cover for you.

Here’s my lazy #followfriday: follow everyone @blogomomma says to. She does not disappoint.

Okay…Who wrote a blog post they want me to lay down some wisdom on in the comments section? Yeah, I’m that lazy.

@br8kthru Is that a racial slur? It’s okay if it is, just checking…

Superduper wax-free mega pastor #followfriday: @pwilson

@marni71 the douche tweet, that is

@marni71 I’m not gonna lie. I just went pee a little after reading that tweet.

Superduper pastorly type #followfriday: @br8kthru, @purichristos, @peterpollock, @churchpunk, @jewdacris4, @nickcarnes, @revmarkbrown

I’ve been lurking this morning…

Okay, I gotta get some shut eye. Tomorrow’s another fun-filled low carb monster sort of day!

@blogomomma Okay, we can be friends, but don’t be talking about your core and such nonsense. But that is a pretty sweet machine!

@blogomomma Now see, that’s why I took up smoking. I can get my heart rate up pretty fast these days. (kidding)

@weightwhat I do what I can Wendy. I do what I can.

@blogomomma Now see, that goes against my workout motto: “No pain = no pain”

@blogomomma HSN?!? What kind of tacky crap are you buying on HSN? (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

@pwilson you need to give Acuff a hard time because he REFUSES to follow me on twitter. After all I’ve done for that man’s career (snort)

@weightwhat No. I’m making new friends and considering unfollowing some old ones. (not you, of course)

I think I may do an “Unfollow Friday” tomorrow. You know, mix things up a bit…

I may be awake, I may not. Depends on whether the washing machine stops in the next 36 minutes.

It’s not up yet, but at 12:01 Central time, my weekly twitter update will post. This week featuring @tremendousnews

@Brian_Russell Thanks a million for the retweet of my incredibly inflated ego. That makes me feel so special.

@pwilson HA! I’ll kick some ferret flu butt!

@pwilson FERRET FLU? Oh, that is rich!

@juliepeterson sorry, no. I’m too cheap.

RT @tremendousnews: Don’t ever unfollow us. We’ll hunt you down electronically and send you empty threats while crying.

@PuriChristos Starter pistol!

@PuriChristos Monkey butt!

@PuriChristos Yes Nick. Thanks for the fist bump.

I need that feedback for my incredibly inflated ego.

Light bulb moment- People read my blog on a regular basis & NEVER leave comments. What is UP with that? I’m glad you read, but talk to me!

@blogomomma Oh, I was taking credit for being your creepy stalker.

@rachaelmphillip It was worth a shot

@jewdacris4 way to clean up those tweets fartface!

RT @PuriChristos: Going to go set something on fire. I love my life

RT @tonyyork: If you ever walk into the men’s room and it smells like bring-a-goat-to-work day. Leave… Just leave.

@bf_podcast wow. that is seriously sucktacular.

@Helenatrandom @redclaydiaries I’m waiting for @hellinahandbasket to start following me. Then I’ll be worried.

@redclaydiaries Honestly, don’t you think “monkey butt love” is assumed when following any of us?

Because my friend Beth is a twitter snob:

I think it’s time to start writing my weekly twitter update. Please send me some hilarity.


So, what have we learned?

If you are following me, you should also follow my friends

  • @blogomomma does not require much sleep
  • @billycoffey is an excellent writer, but does not fully grasp the power of shameless self promotion via twitter, and if he expects me to continue to be his nasty pimp, he needs to cooperate a bit more.
  • that’s what she said
  • If @purichristos and I grew up in the same house, one of us would surely be dead, or at the very least, maimed.

On a personal note, I would just like to say, “Hot young guy who unfollowed me: Come back!”

The Highly Anticipated Twitter Update

Okay, people. I’m going in a bit of a different direction this week. Mostly because it’s 4:36 on a Thursday afternoon and I really don’t feel like going back through all my tweets to find the best ones. I know many of you who follow me also follow @tremendousnews. I must admit, I find him/them strangley appealing for a giant stack of newspapers. First, a bit of their bio:

Don’t follow us if you’re really-really smart. You know when your math teacher asked you to carry the 1? We still don’t know what that means.
Location: Tremendousvillelandstan

And here are some random tweets from @tremendousnews:

On the subject of #whyItweet:

Because alarmingly, my entire personality can fit into 140 characters or less.

Because my New Year’s resolution was to read 9000 articles on social media and how I can “leverage” it.

Because right now, I’m judging the person who RTs this.

Because, unlike real life, nobody here replies to me with “why is that creepy man staring at us?”

Because when I’m drunk, it’s easier to tweet my problems than come to terms with them.

Because libel is way easier to read in 140 characters.

Because apparently I was wrong when I said “hi5 is the future of social media”

To watch humanity die when you use the word “Tweeple”

Because somebody has to inform the 64 yr old lady from Utah that she’s not a social media expert.

Because after 140 characters, I become completely unbearable.

On the subject of #whywefollow:

Because you and your BF are so in love, your Twitter image must feature an alarmingly tight embrace.

Because we know you’ll twitpic the omelette you make tomorrow morning just to spice up our life.

Because you’re blissfully unaware that that close-up of you is way too close up.

Because you use 7 different programs to tweet 100s of urgent links to WordPress templates.

Because you happily Tweet from a date that all of Twitter knows will go horribly wrong.

Because your bio says ‘happily taken’ but that look on your face says anything but.

You tease us by looking almost-naked in your twitter image. Then we blow it up and are devastated. Then we do it again.

Your heartbreaking 1-way conversations with @aplusk where it appears you believe he cares about your relationship problems.

You look way too happy in your profile picture to be completely unmedicated.

Because I’m dying to know how a 18 yr old girl from Denver feels about the Credit Crunch.

On the subject of Random #beatlesfacts:

Sgt. Pepper was the result of a careful blend of imagination, love, hope, and black tar heroin.

You cannot digest the true musical magic of the Beatles unless Kanye West samples them and adds his empty lyrics.

The original title was, “Lucy in the Sky With Sick-Ass Bling”

Everything the Beatles accomplished was meant for the day they would have their own RockBand on Wii.

Miscellaneous Randomness:

Your bathroom-mirror picture of yourself tells me you can meet up to me intellectually.

To the gentleman who cursed me out because of my #beatlesfacts: you were hurtful and surprisingly accurate.

Don’t ever make the mistake of saying “Rhonda is a horrible name.” Electronic Rhonda hate is the last thing you need.

ButterTweet: She’s got a super hot picture but her tweets make me want to throw my head in a blender.

Officer, you may call it soliciting prostitution but we call it monetizing offline assets.

DM: “Your attitude is inappropriate for the Twitter community. I’m unfollowing.” -> I’ve been electronically dumped. But it feels so good.

“Thanks for following me. Please add me to Facebook” No thanks. I can only take you in small, 140 char doses.

You tweet through your bodily functions yet I cannot unfollow you. I’m arrested by your glorious grossness.

It’s odd when people tweet exactly where they’re at. It’s a cry for attention. And for us, a cry for another restraining order.

Being unfollowed is hurtful because it tells you that even in less than 140 characters, people can’t stand you.

So, there you have it people. Random hilarity and social commentary in 140 characters or less from my friends at @tremendousnews. Some may say they are wildly inappropriate. I think they are tremendous!

And for the record, @prodigaljohn still stubbornly refuses to follow me on twitter.

Twitter Update: What you’re still missing

Despite a few subtle hints dropped here and there via twitter, certain people still refuse to follow me or the rest of my frigintastically interesting friends. I’m not going to mention any names, but you know who you are “Jodigal Pron”. (Wow – that looks kinda dirty typed out like that, huh?) Anyway, here’s what you’ve been missing:

Things I still don’t necessarily need to know about you via twitter:

  • that your arms are getting really hairy
  • that your local starbucks is open until 10PM
  • that your cable is out
  • that your dog woke you up in the middle of the night to go pee (okay, that was me)
  • whether or not you use an umbrella
  • that you take the Lord’s name in vain with the same reckless abandon whether the Cubs win a three game series or “it’s time for bed”
  • that you often follow attractive women via twitter randomly (um – Ewh!)
  • that you’re still not following me on twitter
  • that K-mart sells Icees
  • that Icees cannot compete with Slurpees
  • that sexy ears abound
  • that you need to pee (again)

(I’m giving away a free CD to the first person who can email me at and tell who tweeted 8 of 12 of the aforementioned little tidbits of TMI.)

Things I’m cool with knowing about you via twitter:

  • that you were inspired by one of my retweets to cross-stitch a pillow for your pastor and his wife because you also think gasoline smells “cool as @$$” .
  • that you think I’m a bloody rockstar
  • that no one can match my frigintastic interestingness
  • that sarcasm is your love language
  • that you got witnessed to outside of Starbucks because people think you look like you’re going to hell
  • that you’re fighting off a mediocre day and you need someone to stab
  • that you finally caved and joined twitter because of my thinly veiled threats of violence
  • that you finally changed that creepy avatar
  • that you make a good baptist when it comes to dancing
  • that there’s a whole lot of ppbottle love to go around
  • that monkey butted meetings are the number one cause of power tool owies
  • that you are safely home from India and you still find me annoying yet endearing
  • that you will automatically retweet anything I tweet beginning with “Dear” (I know, I’m easily amused.)
  • that you finally remembered to tweet your own dang posts! I can’t do EVERYTHING!

Random Katdish bits of wisdom and social commentary:

  • My daughter is some kind of epic hula hooper. Wondering if she can make a career out of this w/o having knives thrown at her?
  • I asked him, “What are you thinking about?” He said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking.” And then I punched him in the kidneys.
  • Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants has approximately one to forty-seven new posts per day. Check it out. I double dog dare you.
  • Have you ever had your eyebrows ripped out with dental floss? Not to dissuade you, but I may have screamed NO KELLY CLARKSON!” at the mall.
  • That you’re 50 years old and playing warcraft games at the mall does not make you a mama’s boy.
  • That your mom drove you to the mall makes you a mama’s boy.
  • Watching the Astros. Leading the Braves by 1 at the top of the 8th. Still time for them to screw it up. They’ve had alot of practice.
  • Beauty Tip of the Day: Red Sharpie is a good quick fix for a pedicure touch up. Jelly donut? Not so much…
  • You may be wondering what leftover corn looks like after spending 3 months in the fridge, but I”m here to tell you, you don’t want to know.
  • The water bottle attached to a pet carrier is NOT called a gerbil licker. Do not google it. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.
  • Don’t you hate it when your dog takes his own sweet time to do his bidness? Yet another reason to own a starter pistol.
  • Twitter: The complete undoing of the katdish presidential campaign.
  • Also, I just told Sherri that Helen was talking smack about her on twitter. Let’s see how long it takes that little smurf to get an account.
  • That’s it! I’m done with @prodigaljohn. I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee!
  • Now, where’s some dog poop?

Open letters to new followers, et. al.:

  • Dear Oil Change Required Light, according to my KwikKar window cling, you, sir are a LIAR!
  • Dear pedestrian in the grocery store parking lot. Again, sorry. My bad. In my defense you were blocking the path to Low Carb Monster Store.
  • Dear New Follower: strangely enough, I have NOT ever dreamed of earning cash that gushes out like toothpaste. But thanks for asking.
  • Dear New Followers: Thanks for the follow. Just to tell you, I’m not in the market to buy or sell a house.
  • Dear New Followers: If I am not following you, it’s not because I’m ignoring you, I just have a lot of emails to go through…
  • Actually, I am ignoring some of you. I don’t think the term “monkey butt” means the same thing to me as it does to you.
  • Dear Mall Gangstas – you’re not so much scary as you are badly dressed.
  • Welcome new followers! Forgive me for not following back, but I don’t even have those characters on my keyboard. What is that? Klingon?
  • Dear people who follow me then have a “pending approval request to refollow” – You have until 5 pm central, then I wash my hands of you.
  • @aplusk (Ashton Kuetcher) – seriously, dude. stop cyber stalking me. I’m almost old enough to be your moth…Oh wait. Nevermind.
  • Dear New Followers: I’m not gonna lie – if you are also following Oprah, Hillary and chicks from The View, you’re going to be disappointed.
  • Dear New Followers w/a first name followed by an inordinate number of consonants w/a particular affinity for x, y & z. What is UP with that?
  • Goodnight Tweeps! And to all my new brown faced blue circle eyed followers: Good night freaks! (Get an avatar, okay?)

Retweet of the Week: A short story by Brian C. Russell aka B-man, Through Cracked Glass

Some of my more observant readers may have noticed that I removed my twitter updates from the sidebar of this blog. If you want to know my goings on via twitter, get an account and follow me. There’s no need to obsessively check my blog’s sidebar several times a day to see what I’m doing. (You know who you are…)

Seriously, I think twitter is tons of fun. I didn’t even list some of my favorite “conversations” via twitter. @PuriChristos tweeted in Klingon for like 4 tweets, which I was completely baffled by. I’m a freak, not a geek. We just run in the same circles. But he forgave me. Good thing I’m adorable. May 4 was Star Wars Day. There are quiet a few awkward Star Wars geeks on twitter, most of them are my friends. @CandySteele made an obscene amount of Chex Mix, but no ham sandwiches, @redclaydiaries wants a riding vacuum cleaner with a bulldozer attachment, @marni71 wants one of those contraptions from Cat in the Hat that Thing 1 and Thing 2 ride around on. @helenatrandom is a twitter whore and a grocery store ho. Good times. Now, why aren’t you following me? You know you want to…

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