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Fear not, Maya Angelou

I am not a poet. There, I said it. I read beautiful words strung together on other blogs and think, I could never do that. But that didn’t stop my poet friends from inviting me to participate in the TweetSpeak Poetry Jam on Tuesday night. So they get started. And I’m reading these tweets. And I’m waiting. Do you remember the feeling you had on the playground when you were supposed to make it into the jump rope that was already moving? And you keep standing there waiting for the right moment and thinking to yourself, “This could end very badly?” Yeah, that was me. I finally jumped in, and am proud to report that I made it through 2 tweets before I tweeted “That’s what she said”. What can I say? I gotta be me.

Glynn Young of Faith, Fiction and Friends gathered up all these tweets from several different participants, and with some editing, managed to put together a very fine poem for TweetSpeak Poetry entitled Adam and Even by the Narrow Lake. Here are my poignant contributions:

Well, I think I’ve done enough damage here. Gotta go write a guest post intro.

and then the customer doth say/Can I get fries with that shake? #tsp

and words sometimes doth twist/the fingers too #tsp

the black keys dance/though flat and sharp #tsp

and while the upon the white keys the petals fell silent/the black keys?/Not so much…#tsp

@sarahmsalter Okay, well the tangled part wasn’t mine, just the nonsense. Go figure. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Can I use that line sometime? The tangled nonsense part? That’s AWESOME!)

@Doallas If by “no” you mean “yes”, then “no” (in reply to Doallas we do get dramatic, no? #tsp)

@BridgetChumbley A rose by any other name, is still a rose. Besides, I can’t help myself. TWSS.( in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish I was about to tell you how proud I was of you for attempting this… then I saw that tweet & all went out the window! πŸ˜‰

@redclaydiaries Thanks. I was hoping you would catch that. (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish SNORT. Thanks for taking over the crazy for me.)

and in the tangled nonsense, one voice cried out, That’s what she said #tsp

and rainbows rays reflected upon surfaces shone hope to those who witnessed #tsp

Eve, hangs her head, in the shame of not being poetic #tsp

@gyoung9751 It’s all a matter of emphasis. (in reply to gyoung9751 @katdish I got that line – it’s great — but is Gaaa spelled with 2 or 3 a’s?)

@Doallas Gaaa! I am so out of my league here… (in reply to Doallas @katdish are you joining us for poetry jam #tsp)

And here’s the rest of the best of me (or not) on the twitter this week:

RT @PuriChristos: Your mum’s at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep. (I’ve had this dream)

@binaspad Well I’ll just have to come up w/some equally disturbing images for next week. (in reply to binaspad @katdish re:it will change your life. meat puppets are dancing in my mind even tho I bid them to stop. *sigh*)

@redclaydiaries I liked (among others) “Put the lobster down. Put it down!” (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish rolley pony PONY…. Splat!)

@redclaydiaries I AM CRYING I’m laughing so hard – reading that sleep talkin’ man blog.

@JeffHolton Sort of like a train wreck, isn’t it? (in reply to JeffHolton One of the worst posts I’ve ever read, but I’m still unable to resist sharing. πŸ™‚ From the amazing @katdish…

Snort! RT @Helenatrandom: @Brian_Russell Do not unfollow ME? I will make you pay if you do. I am friends with @katdish. Nuff said…

@amysorrells You know, the monkey butt pic sort of looks like a flower, if you squint real hard. in reply to amysorrells @katdish I like your style, but I refuse to put meat puppets on any kind of sidebar button. Unless it has a rose on it or damask of course.)

RT @joannesher: My daughter:”our oven is hotter than florida!

@amysorrells That’s called “branding” Amy. Katdish style! (in reply to amysorrells @katdish I can’t get those meat puppets out of my head. Or that monkey. They are forever seared upon my tender brain tissue.)

@amysorrells Sorry/you’re welcome. (in reply to amysorrells @katdish Yeah, THAT’s the quote I want to be known for through the generations . . .)

“Holy monkey-butt-meat-puppet, Batman!” ~ @amysorrells

@Helenatrandom Morning! I suppose I could have found some headcheese puppets. But then I would have thrown up on my computer.

Yes, that’s fine, b/c my ego can take it RT @billycoffey: @JeanneDamoff But you like me more than @katdish, don’t you? It’s okay to say it.

@JeanneDamoff Aw, thanks Jeanne! Happy dancing! in reply to JeanneDamoff @katdish @billycoffey Thanks for the RTs. Also, you are two of my favorite people. Have a beautiful day.)

Is it a good or a bad sign when you’re writing a blog post and cracking yourself up?

Dog day afternoon

@Doallas Oh, trust me…you should be grateful. Did I mention I used to work in the oil & gas industry? In Texas? Nuff said.

@Doallas Which reminds me of an airline joke, which I cannot share.

@Doallas Of course I do. (in reply to Doallas @katdish The @thetwitcleaner? You do realize that middle word has at least two other meanings.)

I’m utilizing @thetwitcleaner to lay down the unfollow hammer. If you feel my unfollow is in error, please let me know.

(I do, don’t I?) RT @amysorrells: So grateful to @katdish because she ROCKS!!!

Favorite keyword search of the month for HLAC: “Lo, I have a painful disease in my loins”

@HeatheroftheEO Paranoia and self doubt? You’re a born writer! (in reply to HeatheroftheEO @warmchocmilk @katdish yes, yes. You’re right. Just paranoia setting in. I need more to do or something. πŸ™‚

What am I supposed to do with THIS? – RT @PeterPollock: @katdish I don’t love/hate you. There’s one of those which I definitely don’t do!

@CandySteele Follow Friday is not the boss of me. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish what is this, #followwednesday ?)

Previous tweet translated: Keep it under 800 words, people!

RT @prodigaljohn: Write your blog as if you’re asking someone to share the most precious resource they have. Because you are. Time.

@BridgetChumbley You should have some protein. Perhaps dip them in peanut butter? (in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish I’m breaking open the box of Lemon-Heads…)

@Mami_Picture Low carb monster and a protein bar. I’m devastatingly lazy when it comes to preparing food.( in reply to Mami_Picture @katdish so what’s 4 lunch?)

@BridgetChumbley Kay. I just had a blue monster and a protein bar. Cuz I’m fancy. (in reply to BridgetChumbley @makeadiff21 But of course… and @katdish I’m hungry too… let’s do lunch!)

@CandySteele You like me…you really, really like me

@annkroeker Well, let’s just stop then. I don’t want his head getting too big for that cowboy hat. (in reply to annkroeker @katdish Guess we all recognize a good thing when we read it…. This is turning into a gushing @billycoffey stream of posts.)

@annkroeker Oh, y’all found @billycoffey first. I’m just BeBe to his Frazier Crane. (in reply to annkroeker @katdish Same thing @highcallingblog where @billycoffey works his word-magic. Thanks for sharing him!)

@chrissulli You’ll have to take that up with @peterpollock. He love/hates me. (in reply to chrissulli @billycoffey egh, I’m bored out of my mind. I can’t even get @katdish to let me build her a website for free)

@sarahmsalter Oh, I didn’t see his last tweet. I unfollowed him. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish You’re welcome. And if you want, I’ll help you beat up @billycoffey. Especially after his latest particularly snotty comment.)

So, @billycoffey’s guest post on my blog always get more hits than mine. But I’m not bitter…

@marni71 It can’t be done without laying down the unfollow hammer.( in reply to marni71 @billycoffey Let me know how ignoring @katdish works out for you.)

@billycoffey Oh, like that’s possible… (in reply to billycoffey @marni71 Thank you, Marni. I’m ignoring @katdish.)

@billycoffey Sit down and take a break. You’re so needy… (in reply to billycoffey @mylestones @weightwhat @katdish @sarahmsalter @br8kthru @marni71 Would someone please tell me to sit down and take a break?)

@marni71 No. He’s just stubborn. Sort of runs in the family. (in reply to marni71 @katdish Are you staring at him? Maybe he has stage fright….)

Right now I’m waiting for my dog to take care of business, and lamenting the fact that I still don’t own a starter pistol.

Okay, I gotta go. Someone’s cracking a redneck whip in my general direction.

Don’t taze me bro! #24

I have a date with Jack Bauer…chat later.

@amysorrells If your cake has a crust, I don’t know if frosting is your biggest issue.

@amysorrells Then we can’t work together…( in reply to amysorrells @katdish I refuse to change my profile pic to me in a cowboy hat. Ever. I have my limits. Just so you know.)

@marni71 She should follow me on Twitter. (in reply to marni71 @katdish Dumb counselor. If only she could see you now! )

@buzzbyannies @marni71 And my high school guidance counselor told me being a smart @$$ was not a marketable skill…

@marni71 “Juob” is French for “Job”

@marni71 Oh, I’m not off either. Being an internet tornado is a full time juob.

Oh…em….gee…Taking a breath between 24 episodes. Oops! Gotta go!

Oh, wait….24 is on! Forget this show

I’m watching The Human Target, starring that dude from the 1st 3 seasons of Boston Legal & guest starring a kid from The Bad News

Making a grocery list on my iphone I cannot type the word “banana” w/o breaking into a Gwen Stephani song.

Ladies, if you’re going to be a lush, at least be a fashionable one.

@ryanmer You’re a rather angry librarian… (in reply to ryanmer I SHOULD be happy that so many people are at the library on a Saturday, but instead I just want to scream obscenities & punch people.)

Again, Sorry/you’re welcome. Happy Friday!

The Return of the Pornographic Cheese Butler

It was sort of stroll down memory lane on the twitter this week. The topic of an old post of mine came up (I do not heart grocery shopping – which was the introduction of the Pornographic Cheese Butler), and after tweeting with @marni71 and @HelenatRandom, for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to sell muumuus with heart-shaped monkey butts on the back. Yeah…I’m weird. But you probably already figured that out by now.

The best of me (or not) on the twitter this week:

Sigh…I should probably go for awhile. I got my eliptical (sp?) trainer back yesterday. So far, so good. No clothes hanging off of it yet.

@Helenatrandom @weightwhat must be giving google kickbacks. Perhaps in bra snacks…

@br8kthru Do you know what that pathetic apology needs? A ham sandwich… (in reply to br8kthru @marni71 sorry, how about this: PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE TELL ME YOUR STORY? PLEASE? any better?)

RT @marni71: @br8kthru That didn’t sound enthusiastic enough. I rescind the offer. Go eat your sandwich you dream crusher.

Yeah…I have a lot of free time…

So, I googled PCB, and @weightwhat ‘s post came up first: Are bra snacks kosher?

@marni71 You know…the true pioneers in any field are never appreciated until they’re gone. I feel their pain. (in reply to marni71 And NOW I’m being followed by cross-stitchers and people who make scarves. I blame @katdish.)

So @TheTwitCleaner gives me a list of people called “These people ignore you”. Boy, that’s an ego booster…

And the follow-up PCB Post

The infamous PCB Post:

@billycoffey Come on. That day has to rank pretty high on the “bestest day ever” scale. (in reply to billycoffey @Helenatrandom No. @katdish left a snarky comment on my blog and I followed her to hers. It was all quite shocking.)

@marni71 I’m on my second one today. Three is too many, one not enough. (in reply to marni71 @katdish OH DUH! Told you I was slow. I need a blue Monster…)

@marni71 I think @billycoffey meant a board that you smash crickets with. (in reply to marni71 @billycoffey That was my personal fave too πŸ˜‰ The Pakistani are known for their refined games of cricket.)

@marni71 I’d watch that episode for sure.

RT @marni71: @katdish We could consult with the Dog Whisperer. It would look good on his resume.

@marni71 Also wondering if you could get a baboon to sit still long enough to get a clean impression.

@marni71 I wonder if I could borrow a baboon from the zoo and have them stamped? (in reply to @marni71@katdish But if you offered to autograph them, we could sell at least 12 I think )

Oooo! New hashtag! #SnowDay about 7 hours ago from TweetDeck

RT @FaithWords: Rt: @billycoffey @DueFriday: Sending out @billycoffey’s debut novel, SNOW DAY, for endorsements! #SnowDay

@marni71 @Helenatrandom Okay, just envisioned a muumuu with a heart shaped monkey butt on the back.

@marni71 You know, we could seriously make some t-shirts. At least 10 people would buy them. (in reply to marni71 @BridgetChumbley Yes, yes I am. That and cross stitch pillows. They’ll be on mine and @katdish ‘s new etsy site.)

RT @Helenatrandom: Today I am grateful for having a cute avatar….

@gyoung9751 Yes, Glynn, but my dog loves them. Don’t be a hater. (in reply to gyoung9751 RT @katdish Eating chex mix & giving the pretzels to my dog. Cuz I’m generous like that… / And you don’t like the pretzels.)

@Helenatrandom Amazingly…no. (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish Hasn’t the Wordy McTypelot thing been working out?)

@Helenatrandom Well, there you go. Who needs a book deal? (Although I am entertaining any and all offers…) (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish We could sell them on FOTTSP!!! And NtG hats that say “Think Geek”, and muumuu’s with chopped veggie pattern saying “Salsa Anyone”)

@BridgetChumbley You just have to ask yourself WWKD? I think @marni71 is working on some bracelets. (in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish Do you teach classes? You know I’ve always been a BIG fan…)

@BridgetChumbley It is if you’re me. (in reply to BridgetChumbley RT @katdish: @makeadiff21 Let me put it another way. I don’t want them all up in my business. // Is that an option?!)

@makeadiff21 Yes. That’s what I’m saying. My family is a great source of blog fodder. I need to freedom to write about them w/o fear. (in reply to makeadiff21 @katdish @Helenatrandom Are you saying you live your lives in compartments? What are you hiding from ppl???)

Okay…My Uncle Franklin just became my facebook friend. And you people wonder why I don’t link my blog on facebook…

@PuriChristos You’re about as subtle as a freight train, Nick. (in reply to PuriChristos I had an epic idea just now. Waiting to hear from @ProdigalJohn to see what he thinks. He should check his email if he reads this)

RT @DueFriday: Sending out @billycoffey’s debut novel, SNOW DAY, for endorsements!

Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.~Mansfield

@the_original_xy That’s a challenge. Hate is so much sexier & more newsworthy than love & grace. (in reply to the_original_xy @katdish then you non-crazies have to start being louder to drown out the crazies.)

And I pray that people would understand that one Christian does not speak for all of us.

As Christians, I honestly wish people knew more about what we’re for than what we are against…

#SCL Snobbery: You see people making up definitions w/word verifications & think to yourself, “That is SO 6 months ago!”


@marni71 We should set up an etsy account. (in reply to marni71 @katdish I think I just found my new cross-stitch pillow quote!

@marni71 Me too. Silver linings and snark. It’s a rare and beautiful thing. (in reply to marni71 @katdish I feel it’s God’s way of rewarding me for not dying. Silver lining…I’m all about the silver lining.)

@billycoffey It doesn’t suck… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish It must be great to live your life.)

@billycoffey I can’t be bothered with details. That’s your job. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish You know all those Tannenbaum’s ended up in the hospital, right?)

@billycoffey That’s unacceptable. Tannen-baum! Tannen-baum! (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Yes. So far it’s a draw.)

@billycoffey Hey there. Fighting the Resistance this morning?

@makeadiff21 Oh, I have plenty of weird followers already

RT @buzzbyannies: I am not quite sure why Boz looks so worried. He’s driven with me a million times…. #scaredycat

@sarahmsalter My people are working on the prototype. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish You know, if you could figure out a way to bottle that snarkiness and sell it, you could probably make some good money…)

@sarahmsalter fajita taco.( in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Buenas dias!)

Although I don’t always floss…

Pretty much love God, floss, and post at 12:01 AM CST.

I’m tempted to post early, because my post goes with @brian_russell’s post. But I follow so few rules, I feel compelled to stick to them.

@mdgoodyear Marcus, I think I have some time share opportunities you may be interested in. (in reply to mdgoodyear @katdish I confess, I love this *as seen on tv* thing =>

@LynnRush OH WOW! That’s just AWESOME! (in reply to LynnRush I feel like I’ve entered the Twilight Zone. . . . I’m looking at my first book contract right now. . .)

Sigh…I’ve decided against my better judgment to get dressed. I have to go to the bank & I don’t think they want to see me in my pjs.

RT @AmberAusten: Haha, RT Organizing my tupperware/gladware/rubbermaid cabinet. I have found the end of the universe. (via @rocksinmydryer)

@billycoffey Some things are just God given gifts… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Oh wow. I’d like everyone to know I did NOT train your ego…)

@sarahmsalter Um…scuse me @billycoffey trained ME? You mean like Jay Leno trained Johnny Carson?

@sarahmsalter @billycoffey is right. When he found me I was a quiet, shy demure little blogger. (in reply to sarahmsalter@billycoffey Now, Billy. You have to be willing to share @katdish’s gifts and talents with the world.)

@billycoffey Mwha ha ha! (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Okay, now that’s just wrong.)

@billycoffey I’m sorry, what? Wait…I have to take a call from another client. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Then it better not be work for ME.)

@billycoffey I’m doing work, but it’s probably not that important… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish You’re lazy. Don’t you have work to do?)

Speaking purely hypothetically of course – at what point in the day do you decide instead of getting dressed you simply stay in your pjs?

@poemsandprayers And yes. I am. Proudly so. (in reply to poemsandprayers @katdish smart ass)

@poemsandprayers I’m not talking about legitimate groups, I’m talking about the “I Love Ranch Dressing” groups. (Of which, I am a member.) (in reply to poemsandprayers @katdish guess im a little touchy about the facebook group thing)

Do you know what this world needs? More groups on Facebook…(yes, I’m being sarcastic)

I put a bird feeder outside the window of my office. I find it relaxing watching the birds whilst my dog barks incessantly at them.

@sarahmsalter I am SO getting you a poo purse. (in reply to sarahmsalter @weightwhat Well, my birthday is the 31st. But please don’t get me a poo purse. Thank you.)

@Brian_Russell Stop being a slave to your analytics. Just write and create. You’re welcome.

@weightwhat Well, just don’t google yourself again. (in reply to weightwhat @katdish Thank Gumby! I thought I was going to have to TWSS myself again. TWSS.)

@weightwhat TWSS (in reply to weightwhat My hangtags are going to be so cute!!!)

@shrinkingcamel I never know what I’m doing. You get used to it. (in reply to shrinkingcamel @katdish I’m not really sure what I’m doing at this point.)

@Brian_Russell Fo shizzle. (in reply to Brian_Russell @katdish Word.)

@stretchmarkmama Hey! That there is what we call an “Art Car” around these parts. (in reply to stretchmarkmama @katdish “Novel” is one word. “Trashy” might be another.)

Maybe just once, someone will call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene.” ~Homer Simpson

A novel use of happy meal toys and gumball machine trinkets.

It’s not the bitter cold or the harsh winds of winter I hate so much, it’s the static electricity wreaking havoc on my hair. Yes, I’m deep.

RT @michael_arndt: If you are trying to blame me, the buck doesn’t even slow down here, keep on going

One of my son’s happier moments…

Sigh…oh well. It’s only paint right?

My daughter wants to redo her room. All my work to be painted over.

Just checked my facebook account. I have 93 items in my in box #baneofmyexistence

RT @Doallas: Need a headline writer? Hire @katdish. Here’s an example:

RT @muchl8r: Compelled by the promise of adventure, our protagonist ran out the door yelling, “oh CRAP! i’m late!” off to work:)

RT @badbanana: 85,000 jobs lost in December. Mostly football coaches.

And YES, I left out a whole bunch of tweets about Chex mix. I realize you’re probably bitterly disappointed, but those are for research.

As always, Sorry/You’re welcome.

Pocket Jesus, the nasty pimp hat & revenge of the granny panties

I love me some twitpics! It’s my way of sharing my day to day with people all over the world! (You’re welcome.) The first entry (which is the last entry; try to follow along), I tweeted after I had started my update, but I wanted to share. (Again, you’re welcome.)

Without further ado (or adieu?), the best of me (or not) on the twitter:

trying on low rise jeans + granny panties = devastating blow to my self esteem

@Helenatrandom Snort! (in reply to Helenatrandom @chrissulli Haven’t you heard? Global Warming is the reason why we are getting colder!! The whole theory was developed by oxy morons…)

Some fascinating discussions about dog poo. Today, on a very special Hey look a chicken

@bryanallain You just had dinner? What are you, 80?

@JeanneDamoff TWSS (in reply to JeanneDamoff @katdish Should be tons o’ fun. A 1940’s USO-type swing-dance show. Only problem is rehearsals start next week. I need to GET ON IT! )

@Helenatrandom @BridgetChumbley Do you ever have them face one another & then squish them together? In a purely platonic way, of course.

@BridgetChumbley I’ve eaten gummy bears past the point of a stomach ache. That’s how much I heart them. (in reply to BridgetChumbley I ‘heart’ Gummi Bears… but I leave the green ones… yuck!)

RT @BridgetChumbley: RT @katdish: @BridgetChumbley I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! // Stop in the name of all which does not suck.

@Helenatrandom Um, ewh… (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish That’s be cool. It would go great with my Life is Funny Mammogram post. (Better hope I don’t get a pap smear anytime soon…)

@CandySteele Yes. We do. (in reply to CandySteele @billycoffey Just ignore @katdish ‘s illusion of intimidation. We know who’s boss)

@Helenatrandom I could make you a ta-ta hat. (in reply to Helenatrandom @CandySteele Save the Ta Tas? I really need a new picture… Or maybe a ta ta hat….)

@HeatheroftheEO You’re welcome. That’s why we’re here. (in reply to HeatheroftheEO @billycoffey @katdish I will be saying “what to the ever” for the rest of my life. Thank you.)

@billycoffey Don’t make me come up there. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Oh, I’m sorry. Did I ask you? No, I didn’t.)

@Helenatrandom Oh, don’t listen to @billycoffey! The cap is lovely.

@pagan43 I’m not grumpy anymore. I kicked my cold’s butt

RT @marni71: @katdish I threw down the clean room ultimatum on Pey Peyt yesterday. Powertrips+clean rooms=Nirvana.

@marni71 I heart ultimatums.

@marni71 Here I am. Mock away. My daughter has been invited to a skating party today. I told her she wasn’t going unless her room was clean. (in reply to marni71 I’m waiting for @katdish and @redclaydiaries to be on her so I can mock the fact my kids are in school and theirs aren’t. #anticipation.)

@Brian_Russell Oh, stop being such a cranky ho, Brian. (in reply to Brian_Russell Internet Explorer is the bane of the internet. If you’re using it, you’re part of the problem.)

RT @weightwhat: RT @MrBigFists Trust me pajamas, I’m just as upset about this as you are. But hey, we’ll always have Wal Mart.

@stretchmarkmama Whew! I can breath again… (in reply to stretchmarkmama @katdish Of course I’m still following you. Like a shadow. A big creepy one.)

@stretchmarkmama Please tell me you’re still following me. (in reply to stretchmarkmama Thanks to @TheTwitCleaner I just gave a few hundred tweeple the boot. #ahh)

Fresh mascara + sneeze = Dang it!

It’s Jan 2, & across the land Protestants too lazy to take down their lites pretend to celebrate the epiphany.

@poemsandprayers It’s quite an art form. (in reply to poemsandprayers @katdish i’ve never seen chicken pushers before…)

@Brian_Russell Yes, well I’m like me, so there you go. (in reply to Brian_Russell @katdish He’s like that…)

@Brian_Russell Then there’s @human3rror, but he didn’t courtesy refollow me, so he’s dead to me

@TchrEric Is there some sort of training for this? Because these guys are AGGRESSIVELY giving away chicken. (in reply to TchrEric @katdish Don’t recall ever seeing that happen in CA – but every mall food court here it happens….go figure….)

RT @bryanallain: Have barbecue chips ever over-delivered? They are the Fruit Stripes gum of the potato chip world.

@CandySteele he smells like eggrolls and teen spirit. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish Hey, that’s the guy that sprayed perfume on me at the mall last week. Get closer. Does he smell like Eau de Squirrel?)

Would someone please explain the overly aggressive bourbon chicken samplers at the food court?

@MistiPearl Do you really expect to get a pocket Jesus for free? I’m at the mall. Nothing is free. (in reply to MistiPearl @katdish They don’t charge money for that do they?)

@MistiPearl well it’s a pocket Jesus of course! Actually, it’s just the box. Because as you might expect, He wasn’t in there (in reply to MistiPearl @katdish What?! is that?)


@weightwhat I gave up quitting. (in reply to weightwhat @sarahmsalter Nope, because I only resolve not to make resolutions. Doing good so far!)

RT @badbanana: That one set of carbon footprints in the sand is when Jesus carried me and my 60-inch plasma TV

@CandySteele It’s not the cold, it’s the humidity. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish oh shut up. I’d be out sun bathing in that.)

@CandySteele @makeadiff21 43 degrees here. Brrrr!

RT @CandySteele: @katdish this screams katdish

RT @pattidigh: every day is a new year //and some days feel like a year.

@RachelleGardner I learned I am infinitely less patient than I realized. #whatIlearned

@Brian_Russell In the grand scheme of things, does it matter that I’m slightly less obscure than you? Me thinks not

@SuperBowlSunday Thanks for following me. You know I’m in Houston, right? Is this a sympathy follow?

RT @MaggieDammit: My mother sent the children home with kazoos. My mother hates me.

@buzzbyannies Oh, sorry. (Not really) (in reply to buzzbyannies @katdish @CandySteele
Candy’s quote about Boz in a Box. Quit trying to steal the glory Kat.)

@buzzbyannies Wait, which quote? The King quote or the crap quote. The crap quote was all me.

@buzzbyannies No. Sweet baby Boz. (in reply to buzzbyannies @katdish The one of sweet baby Jesus?)

“You must not come lightly to the blank page.” ~ Stephen King

Writers resolution: write every day. Even if it’s crap. Just write.

@jewda4 Oh, like I don’t do that already… (in reply to jewda4 @katdish that would be a good version, but a bad outcome. maybe you should eat skittles and leg drop your dog while reading a safer version)

@jewda4 And the possibility of being struck by lightning.

@jewda4 I’m waiting for the #SCL version. (in reply to jewda4 I like switching the version I use to read through the Bible each year. Last year, I read the HCSB. This year, I’m going to read the ESV.)

@CandySteele I need more coffee. I read that last tweet as “grapefruit or the porn” And now, bring on the spambots! (in reply to CandySteele @billycoffey I overslept by 2 hr today. Not sure if it was the grapefruit or the pom that put me over the edge last night.)

@billycoffey Oh, right. Nevermind @bryanallain. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Forgive your southerness? Are you serious?)

RT @tim_____: It’s 2010. And again I ask, where the heck is my flying car? The future disappoints yet again.

@bryanallain Now you’re cooking with grease! (Forgive my southerness.) (in reply to bryanallain @katdish my 1st tweet reply of 2010 goes to katdish. now that’s starting strong with nowhere to go but down.)

@bryanallain You’re supposed to start on a high note and end a miserable failure. Get with the program, Bryan. (in reply to bryanallain This is my first Tweet of 2010, and boy is it a letdown. Nowhere to go but up. Happy New Year everyone.)

Tell me you wouldn’t want to visit my church.

@weightwhat. Nope he’s wearing pants.

@weightwhat not my kitchen, but let me check. (in reply to weightwhat @katdish That’s quite a lampshade you’re wearing there… Hey, is that a mini-PCB on your kitchen counter?)

@billycoffey what? You don’t like my nasty pimp hat? (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Oh that’s lovely…)

Happy new year!

I gotta get the one with toothpaste in the center.

Of all the great chocolates…

See you next year! (Don’t you hate it when people say that?)

Again, Sorry/you’re welcome!

Happy New Year Twitter!

This month will mark the one year anniversary of me being on the twitter. I got off to a slow start, but I think you’ll all agree I have made up for my lack of tweeting in the early months of 2009…

And now, the best of me (or not) on the twitter:

Why must all Petco stores smell like a hamster cage?

RT @billycoffey: @marni71 Were the pig and hedgehog IN the triple wide? Because then she would be a hillbilly.

Follow @billycoffey for insights into the subtle distinctions between rednecks and hillbillies.

@billycoffey My work here is done… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Serenity now!)

RT @billycoffey: @marni71 She’s already on probation. I think @katdish’s resolution for the year is to get canned.//Oh, pish posh!

@buzzbyannies Good point. Perhaps some garbage can bears. (in reply to buzzbyannies @katdish @billycoffey You may have to go slay something Billy. After all this kindler , gentler redneck talk.)

@billycoffey A kinder, gentler redneck ( in reply to billycoffey @katdish @redclaydiaries @buzzbyannies Shiny redneck?)

@buzzbyannies Oh, no Annie. You would never stir the pot. (in reply to buzzbyannies @katdish @billycoffey @redclaydiaries Fancy? Billy, I think that’s kind of an insult. Not to stir the pot or anything.)

@PuriChristos Says who? You’re not the boss of me. (in reply to PuriChristos Joyful New Year’s eve everyone.)

@dannyjbixby The doodlebops are deeply disturbing… (in reply to dannyjbixby @katdish Maybe it’s a combo of Whack a mole and doodlebop. If so, awesome!)

@billycoffey @redclaydiaries Carry on…

@redclaydiaries @billycoffey I must cut in here. FANCY Redneck. That’s the image we’re going for.

This just in: In addition to being an “Internet Tornado”, I am also a “Whackadoo”. Is that like Whack a Mole? B/C I dig that game.

@buzzbyannies @CandySteele Okay, I should probable be going soon too. (I said should be) I’m not the boss of me.

RT @buzzbyannies: @CandySteele You weren’t wearing your coconut bra when you said that were you? (Snort!)

@weightwhat Yes. Silly you.

@CandySteele Speaking of TWSS, where did @weightwhat go?

@prodigaljohn Do you work at 30 Rock? (in reply to prodigaljohn Awesome. The only guy who came in to work today with me is the guy who sings “Glee” songs at the top of his lungs.)

@CandySteele I love a good lollygag. ( in reply to CandySteele @JanetOber nah. RB’s working and I’m going to play catch up from Christmas. Then lollygag around all weekend)

@JanetOber I have to obey my muse. She’s not feeling ridiculous lately (Except on the twitter).

@heygip Plans? You mean other than enriching lives thru the power of social media? I think I may go shopping…

@mylestones I’m working on the book. I’ve finished all the page numbers. (Stolen from Steven Wright) (in reply to mylestones @katdish Come to think of it, Sherri’s censored you a time or 20 as well. So you’ve got a best-selling title now. All you need is the book!)

@CandySteele Do you know how terrified I was just to TAKE that picture? We must face our fears. You’re welcome. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish I can’t believe you tortured dear sweet @billycoffey with that pic – and me too. GAAAAA!)

@billycoffey Oh, you wish… (in reply to billycoffey RT @katdish: To @billycoffey you’re welcome. // You’re dead to me.)

@HerbieGookins herbie!

One more from the bookstore. Seriously? It’s not rocket science people!

@mylestones Surprisingly enough, I quite often censor myself. Sad, but True. (in reply to mylestones @llbarkat @katdish so does that imply @katdish is currently “censored”? Hmm…wouldn’t have guessed that! πŸ˜‰

@llbarkat I’m not sure. But thanks for the book idea. I’ll start immediately. (in reply to llbarkat @katdish can you get those on Kindle? Does it handle dysfunction and sarcasm? πŸ™‚

Or this one?

Okay, this one?

Who says there’s no educational books for teens anymore?

To @billycoffey you’re welcome.

@pagan43 why yes. Yes it would. (in reply to pagan43 @katdish Wouldn’t that be a kindle light? Lol)

At the mall. Headed to the bookstore. Why? To find a booklight for my kindle.

RT @rachelheldevans: Re-wrote my 2009 Haiku: β€œOpposite Marriage”/ Hiked the Appalachian Trail/ Got mauled by Tiger.

RT @claritychaos: Walked in to find 6 yo had tied 3yo to bunk bed ladder before 9am. Goooooood morning.

Yay! Tweetdeck

@TchrEric You really get me, don’t you? (in reply to TchrEric RT @llbarkat: Because @katdish wants it πŸ™‚

Is following a pile of newspapers on the list? RT @tremendousnews: The 7 Twitter Sins: Which Ones Have You Committed?

@muchl8r Ooo! Jake – LOVE the new avatar. Looking very hip and writerly…

@BridgetChumbley I’m a giver…

I’m trying to keep him grounded.

Twitter friends – @billycoffey is precariously close to having as many followers as me. This cannot happen.

All books should be available on Kindle! Why? Because I just got one.

@prodigaljohn – Your book’s not available on Kindle? Wuddup with that?

The aforementioned cat which I fed, not felt.

OMGoogle! FEED a cat. Not FEEL a cat! Oy vey…

Gotta go drive across town to feel a cat. Yes, I’m a rockstar…

Reading “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, and it’s KICKING MY BUTT!

@billycoffey I’m not afraid of much, really. Just clowns, mimes and Blue Man Group. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Don’t ask the question if you’re afraid of the answer.)

@billycoffey Lovely… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish None that are living.)

@billycoffey Any cats in your freezer? (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Beets, bears, Battlestar Galactica.)

@billycoffey And you’re totally Dwight. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish I like M&Ms. And you locked your keys in the car? You’re totally Kevin.)

But on the up side of things, she left her computer here.

Also? I like m&m’s…

@billycoffey Kindle is good, although I can’t get to it at the moment. Stuck at my sister’s house w/my keys locked in the car.

@billycoffey gets smacked in the head. Next on a very special Hey Look a Chicken:

For me, art is the restoration of order. It may discuss all sorts of terrible things, but there must be satisfaction at the end. A little bit of hunger, but also satisfaction. ~ Toni Morrison

RT @muchl8r: christmas music at church after christmas. #OnlybecauseiloveJesus πŸ™‚

We are the church.

I will give you a new heart & put a new spirit in you: I will remove from you your heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh ~ Ez 36:26

Mmmm…grocery store Sushi!

@sarahmsalter I don’t even have to try to be useless. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Thank you, thank you… I’m trying to be useless today, how ’bout you?)

@forthegirls Next thing you’ll be saying an 18 month old shouldn’t have a cell phone either

@forthegirls You’re so old fashioned… (in reply to forthegirls I’m just going on record, sorry if I offend, but I think an 18mo old is too young to have their own iPod Touch)

@redclaydiaries Again. It’s what I’m here for. (in reply to redclaydiaries RT @katdish: @redclaydiaries You can write about how much you love my blog. //I can always count on you for creative input)

@redclaydiaries That’s what I’m doing.

@redclaydiaries You can write about how much you love my blog. (in reply to redclaydiaries Dinner planned. White beans & ham! Yum. Thinking about Tuesday’s blog carnival on LOVE. No idea what I’ll write.)

@JanetOber No. I haven’t figured out how to text from my kindle. If my dh knew I could twitter from it, I doubt he would have gotten it.

@Helenatrandom Yes to the kindle, sadly not to the peace on earth and good will towards man.

@CandySteele And a happy Put all the crap back in the shed day to you as well.

@CandySteele Well then. It really is boxing day. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish Boxing Day is the day you put the Christmas tree back in the box. Duh)

@Helenatrandom Hello my sweet Helen!

@joannesher Oh, well. I’m all up in that. (in reply to joannesher RT@katdish: What the heck is boxing day?// it’s the day after Christmas, set aside to beat up your kids for their selfish attitudes πŸ˜‰

@PuriChristos But just boxers, or does it encompass wrestlers and cage fighters? (in reply to PuriChristos @katdish it’s a day to celebrate professional fighters … duh)

What the heck is boxing day?

This too.

Enjoy the view. It’s going back in the box very soon.

@CandySteele So the whole local celebrity and trusted news anchor gig pales in comparison to a good Ron Burgandy quote on the twitter? (in reply to CandySteele @katdish I will. That was one of his prouder moments. He gloated for an hour.)

@CandySteele Just highlight his contributions on the screen. (in reply to CandySteele @katdish I’ll have to point out your twitter update to him – not sure his attention span can take it tho.)

@redclaydiaries You’re at the mall already? Your slacker reputation is in serious jeopardy

@CandySteele Ron Burgandy made my twitter update. He has my permission to use that in his professional resume.

RT @PuriChristos: Merry Day after Christmas aka “who’s gonna clean up this mess day”

(Exactly@TchrEric It’s pretty bad. Boxes and wrapping paper everywhere. I won’t subject you to the photos

The morning after: My living room looks like war-torn Beruit.

Say it with me now: Sorry/You’re welcome!

I’ll be Ho for Christmas…if only on the twitter

Fair warning: This is a VERY LONG twitter post. But since it’s Christmas, I wanted to give you an extra helping of my holiday tweets (snort!). Also, two low carb monsters per day are most definitely my limit.

And now, for the very last time in 2009 (golf clap), the best of me (or not) on the twitter:

Unfortunate price sticker placement.>

For Christmas, I asked for peace on earth, good will towards men and a Kindle. And I gotta say, 1 out of 3 ain’t bad. Merry Christmas y’all!

@shrinkingcamel Wonder if there will be a toe laser hair removal gift certificate under the tree.

@shrinkingcamel She should give you forty bucks for Christmas. (in reply to shrinkingcamel I just gave my daughters 40 bucks to buy me something for Christmas. I’m sitting here in the food court at the local mall. ~sigh~)

@llbarkat I had an Aunt Hattie. I suppose she would be @hatdish. But she didn’t even drive a car, let alone operate a computer. (in reply to llbarkat @katdish @hatdish, cousin, right?)

@Doallas Who is @hatdish? (in reply to Doallas @billycoffey @hatdish @llbarkat et al Reading your tweets from last to first is a weird experience. Talk about out of body.)

But only because I don’t have a penguin cage as @llbarkat suggested.

Okay! @VariantVal has saved the day! CD case it is!

@llbarkat And I mean that in a good way.

@llbarkat You are so weird… (in reply to llbarkat RE: what to wrap a gift card in. @katdish a really big penguin cage. that’ll throw ’em for sure. πŸ™‚

@VariantVal Ooo! CD case is very good…

@CandySteele I’m fresh out of ginormous boxes.

So…what does one wrap a gift card in?

@PeterPollock INCONCEIVABLE! (in reply to PeterPollock @katdish I remember a time when he won an argument with you!)

@billycoffey Now we need to stop before we make @bridgetchumbley and @sarahmsalter cry again. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish GAAA!!!)

@billycoffey Have you ever won an argument with me, Billy? Answer – No.

@billycoffey Yeah. You’re full of something all right. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish You’d better be glad I’m full of Christmas spirit.)

@billycoffey Pffft… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish I didn’t Google her! And now I’m not telling.)

@billycoffey So who is she? I’ll wait while you google it…

@VariantVal TWSS (in reply to VariantVal @katdish I’d never google!!)

@billycoffey Oh, please… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Me? Google a baseball fact? You’re fired.)

@VariantVal @billycoffey And who the heck is Effa Manley?

@billycoffey @VariantVal Did y’all google that?

Who was the first woman elected into the national baseball hall of fame? (Hint: not Madonna)

@RachelleGardner You’re right, and I’m shiny and red. (in reply to RachelleGardner @katdish Oh, I thought Christmas was the time when our true colors emerge. πŸ™‚

@BridgetChumbley And happy birthday too. (in reply to BridgetChumbley RT @katdish: @billycoffey Wait…you’re ARE right! Of course you’re right. // Wow… Merry Christmas to Billy!)

@RachelleGardner I know the Rockies tanked, but Christmas is no time for bitterness, Rachelle. (in reply to RachelleGardner @katdish @billycoffey Totally can’t get enough baseball talk on Christmas Eve. *eye roll* It’s FOOTBALL season, people. πŸ™‚

@billycoffey Wait…you’re ARE right! Of course you’re right. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Ricky Henderson was the one who led the AL in stolen bases, right?)

Daughter is now helping me wrap gifts using copious amounts of tape. I think she’s channeling @billycoffey

@billycoffey So far no Ricky Henderson answers, but I’ll keep that one in mind. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Ricky Henderson.)

Okay, now she’s accusing me of cheating.

Sammy Sosa! Score!

Colorado Rockies! Yay! I finally got one right!

All wrong.

So far my answers have been Pete Rose, Nolan Ryan, Derek Jeter, and Stinky Pete.

My daughter is asking me baseball trivia questions and I’m just making stuff up.

Who was the AL base stealing champ for 9 years in the 1980s?

@CandySteele Mmmm….Chex mix! (in reply to CandySteele @katdish I got back up nuthin without power. Ugh. Oh look…Chex Mix!)

@CandySteele Do you have a back up tofurky? (in reply to CandySteele Just lost power. Not good. #turkeyfail)

Who says I only pick on Buddy Love?

The angry little reindeer

@PeterPollock Thanks, Peter. You’ve truly been a blessing this year.

@llbarkat Twank you. (Ugh! Did I just type that?) (in reply to llbarkat @katdish Merry Christmas, Tweetie. πŸ™‚

Merry Christmas Twitter!

RT @weightwhat: @katdish I think Buddy Love’s plot to kill you has only been foiled due to his lack of opposable thumbs.

@Doallas The trick is mastering the choke hold. (in reply to Doallas @katdish Of course, Westies being terriers, their unwillingess to wear a Santa suit should come as no surprise.)

@BridgetChumbley She’s much cuter than Buddy and I bet she doesn’t poo in the dining room either. (in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish Here is what Buddy inspired…

@buzzbyannies He was COLD Annie. I’m just looking out for him. (in reply to buzzbyannies @katdish Poor, poor, humiliated Buddy…)

And frankly, he’s not amused.

You’d better watch out, he’s coming to town!

@ronsteele7 Your wife already scooped you on that Ron Burgandy. (in reply to ronsteele7 – Ice on brick. Still accumulating.) (To which @ronsteele7 replies quite brilliantly – @katdish One scoop a year. But I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. )

@llbarkat Well, there probably is, but now you’ve got me feeling all pressured and whatnot… (in reply to llbarkat @katdish you know, whatever you can conjure πŸ™‚ I bet there’s a poignant bone in that sweet little body somewhere)

@redclaydiaries I’m gonna call your cell phone if you don’t tweet what movie you’re in!

@redclaydiaries Quick before they tell you to put your phone away, what movie? (in reply to redclaydiaries In theater waiting 4 movie to start. Ad sound is up so loud that my ears R bleeding. Makes for a less pleasant cinematic experience.)

@llbarkat I’m assuming “fun” for me and “poignant” for @billycoffey? (in reply to llbarkat @katdish thanks for the RT. I hope you and @billycoffey try out the project. From fun to poignant, we’ll be treated to it all! πŸ™‚

@CandySteele I’d take a little ice right now. We still have mosquitos

It’s Dec 23, I’m walking around outside wearing flip flops, jeans and a sleeveless shirt. Oh, and it’s muggy outside.

@shrinkingcamel Exactly how much toe hair are we talking about here? (in reply to shrinkingcamel @katdish Apparently lasar-treatment can do wonders on unsightly toe-hair.)

RT @shrinkingcamel: The ladies here are having a big discussion about toe-hair. //thanks for sharing, Brad.

And really, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Savior than sitting at the nickel slots all day?

I still need to get my mom a little something for Christmas. Giving her cash, because she’s going to Vegas w/my sisters Dec 26.

@dukeslee oh please! Of Course I tresspassed! (in reply to dukeslee @katdish Creeped out, yes. Did you trespass on someone’s property to get that photo? Or is that on your front step?)

Okay, is it just me or this creep anyone else out?

Target report: surprisingly not bad. I went there to purchase gift cards for 2 families on behalf of my church. I think God worked that out.

Okay, people – I’m going to Target. Two days before Christmas. If I’m not back in 3 hours, call the authorities.

To perceive Christmas through its wrappings becomes more difficult with every year ~ E.B. White

RT @prodigaljohn: “60 pound beaver attacks boy.” Quite possibly my favorite CNN headline of 2009. I think that beaver is doing P90X.

@billycoffey I’m smart like that. I know that’s like kryptonite to you. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Dang. You just had to appeal to my Christmas spirit, didn’t you?)

@billycoffey Merry Christmas! (sheepish grin) (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Uh-huh. What-ev.)

@billycoffey Like I said. I blame the monster. (in reply to billycoffey @sarahmsalter @katdish I’m reading your tweets from last night. You two have some ‘splaining to do.)

@billycoffey Good morning. Please disregard any tweets from last night. I blame the low carb monster.

P.S. – Don’t be surprised if I’m back on here in an hour.

Okay people. My giant head is filling up the tweetdeck and I really should TRY to get some sleep. Goodnight!

@emavalos Now why would I want to send an angry email to myself? I dig me.

Well, if my theory about NOT tweeting to get new followers holds true, I pretty much blew that in the past 10 minutes.

I’m really glad @billycoffey is off tomorrow & spending the day w/his family. He probably won’t even have time to send me a nasty email.

@sarahmsalter No offense to @billycoffey, but who DOESN’T wrap better than @billycoffey?

@BridgetChumbley You should have 1 or 4 low carb monsters. I think I could rewrite War and Peace right now. (in reply to BridgetChumbley Brain is completely empty when it comes to what I’m trying to ‘recall’ for my blog post.)

Yes, I know I RTed myself, but no one else did it for me. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.

RT @katdish: If @billycoffey wrote like he wraps presents, y’all would all be saying “who’s billy coffey?” #justsaying

@sarahmsalter You and me both! (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish I like snarky Katdish. :o)

Also? 4 low carb monsters apparently makes me a bit snarky…

@mapdentists Thank for that helpful diet & exercise advice. I often ask my dentist about these things.

If @billycoffey wrote like he wraps presents, y’all would all be saying “who’s billy coffey?” #justsaying

It’s the little things in life, you know?

YAY! My tweetdeck is now fully functional.

What is happening?

Okay, @CandySteele tweets “I have a housefull of meat this week” & @weightwhat doesn’t throw down a TWSS?

Note to self: Limit yourself to 2 low carb monsters per day. 4 is definitely too many.

@BridgetChumbley I heart #randomhashtags (in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish I almost fell off the couch on that one… I’ve introduced a lot more roughage into my diet… #regularityisamust)

Surely there’s no correlation there, right?

Not that I’m complaining, but I’ve had a bunch of new followers today & I’ve hardly tweeted. Hmmm…

Well crap. That didn’t work.

@katdish – hey you know what? If I talk to myself it shows up in my mentions column AND I get to talk to myself! Win-win.

@BridgetChumbley DMs or B…Oh wait. That’s tacky… (in reply to BridgetChumbley @katdish I guarantee it! My DM’s haven’t been right in a long time!)

@BridgetChumbley Or not…

@BridgetChumbley I can’t see my mentions or my DM column! I’m quite sure some important folks are trying to talk to me!

No offense, apple crap fans!

@MattTCoNP I’m not aware of anything apple-themed that isn’t crap. (in reply to MattTCoNP @katdish Apple themed stuff sounds great, just as long as it is crap.)

@DougSpur Ooo! Good one. How about – my very best plasticware. (in reply to DougSpur @katdish oxymoron – my bald friend named harry)

@rachelheldevans HA! Well, there you go… (in reply to rachelheldevans @katdish “perfect man”)

RT @kylaaak: Oxymoron time! My favorite is “jumbo shrimp”. Whats yours? #fb >>prosperity gospel

@MattTCoNP I could send you some coffee mugs and assorted apple themed crap. (in reply to MattTCoNP …But the rest of the kids really let me down! Where’s my presents?!)

@sarahmsalter It’s both! (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Maybe I’ll just write him a check and let him go to Walmart and buy his own gift. Is that lazy or smart?)

@sarahmsalter although I must say, some of @billycoffey’s best stories take place at Walmart.

@sarahmsalter Gaaa! Not the Walmarts!

@CandySteele TWSS.

@CandySteele I don’t need to go to Booty Camp. I’ve got plenty of booty.( in reply to CandySteele @katdish @sarahmsalter I’m sending you guys to Boot(y) Camp. For shame.)

Stupid, stupid prayer cross commercial…

@sarahmsalter I swear, I took one bite and had to go to the dentist.
@CandySteele My friend Pat once made bread pudding out of day old Krispy Kreme donuts.

@CandySteele It’s the perfect bad food combination. Throw in a pack of Marlboro Reds and you have the perfect tri-fecta.

@redclaydiaries There’s no telling. But you’re welcome. That’s what I’m here for.( in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish What would I do without your “encouragement?”)

@mylestones @redclaydiaries likes it when I encourage her. It’s one of my spiritual gifts, you know.

@redclaydiaries Dude, who DOESN’T make you look bad when it comes to posting?

Went to the mall, looked at the parking lot & went to Kroger. Did you know you can get Best buy gift cards there? Yeppers.

RT @weightwhat: RT @thedayhascome I couldn’t find a gift that conveys my general dislike for you, so I got you this fruitcake instead.

@weightwhat Thanks Wendy. That was craptastic!

@helenatrandom Adeste fideles,Laeti triumphantes; Venite, venite in Bethlehem; Natum videte, Regem Angelorum

@mandythompson Gotta love the government! No really, they’re trying to pass a law saying as much.

@ronsteele7 And yet you’re still not following me… (in reply to ronsteele7 @katdish Yes she did—but I am for real now–and you’ll know it’s me—because–I use too many dashes—(she says)

RT @marni71: RT @PuriChristos: Hey everyone, take a minute and pray for @Helenatrandom’s mom, she is in the hospital//Yes let’s do…

@ronsteele7 Even if your wife did tweet that for you…

@ronsteele7 NOW who feels special? (Answer? I do!) (in reply to ronsteele7 @katdish I heard that. I’m going to start paying closer attention to my favorite dish)

Watching Blades of Glory because I have very refined taste in movies.

@CandySteele Oh goody! Yet another opportunity to be ignored by Ron Burgandy! (in reply to CandySteele @redclaydiaries @BridgetChumbley BIG step tonight – RB wants me to set up a FB page. Good idea or social media suicide??)

@sarahmsalter you’re the very best Sarah Salter I know. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish You have a lot of lovely qualities that I wouldn’t mind being like. BUT I also like to be an individual on occasion. πŸ™‚

My favorite Christmas card this year. Thanks Boz! and @buzzbyannies

@dukeslee He’s actually quite the fashionista in his own way. But don’t tell him I said that. (in reply to dukeslee @katdish He’s unusually quiet on matters of fashion, isn’t he? In time, in time … Keep working on him.)

HeatherSunseri We’re going for a fancy redneck look for @billycoffey (in reply to HeatherSunseri @katdish @billycoffey I like sequins. What are we putting sequins on?)

@billycoffey How do you feel about sequins? (in reply to billycoffey @dukeslee @katdish Oh I can’t wait to see what you two came up with…)

RT @dukeslee: @katdish Have him use a Bedazzler on his Carhartts. // Brilliant!

@dukeslee I know. I’m really trying to push the “Fancy Redneck” image. (in reply to dukeslee @katdish As part of his PR team, u r doing a fine job in helping him brush up on his image. More Target; less Walmart. When will he listen?)

@dukeslee I told him he should have gone to Target.

@billycoffey Sort of a Misery meets Larry the Cable Guy sort of story? (in reply to billycoffey @RachelleGardner I could, but that rewrite would be a horror story and I’m not sure if you’d represent it.)

@billycoffey Well done grasshopper.

Sniff…so proud…RT @billycoffey: Headed to Walmart with a huge snowstorm looming. Hey, that sounds familiar ~

@billycoffey I read somewhere that God hates the Yankees. Where was that? (in reply to billycoffey @katdish If God liked me better, the Yankees would win EVERY year.)

@CandySteele Sweet Fancy Moses! You ordered a 4 legged turkey?

Twitter goes to the Mall

Whew! I’ve been absent from the computer so much this week I thought I wouldn’t even have enough tweets to fill a blog post. But then I took twitter to the mall with me and redeemed myself. So now I give you…

The best of me (or not) on the twitter:

Sheesh! Shopping in the rain is a drag.

@PuriChristos is it opposite day? No one told me. (in reply to PuriChristos @sarahmsalter but even that is @katdish’s fault because I only do what I think she would want me to do.)

I’m sending this to @weightwhat.

I could probably have my shopping done by now if I quit taking twitpics. But that’s how much I love you.

Why? Just why? Giant dust magnet.

Okay, this scary Santa dude is everywhere!

RT @sarahmsalter: @weightwhat Girl, Twitter’s been actin’ the fool ALL DAY. I don’t think it’s @katdish’s fault this time.//Ha!

What do you give someone who loves nutcrackers AND Star Wars (besides understanding and support)?

@billycoffey Marshalls has a nice selection of nasty pimp hats. #justsaying.

The snug sack: accept no substitutes.

Here’s a gift that says, “You know, I never really liked you.”

For the person that has everything, llama in a box.

I think I found a skirt to wear for Christmas eve. Little tight in the waist, though.

@redclaydiaries Tweet tight? TW…ah, nevermind…(in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish @sarahmsalter I’d better get to bed. The husband is giving me the evil eye. Good night! Tweet tight! (I crack myself up…)

@sarahmsalter I know the Feliz Navidad part, I just mumble the rest of the words( in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish You already know Feliz Navidad. Right?)

@redclaydiaries And speaking of re-gifting, my crap closet is filling up again, and it’s not even Christmas yet. I smell a giveaway!

@sarahmsalter I really should learn especially since everyone speaks Spanish to me anyway

@sarahmsalter But yes. My Spanish is el sucko

@sarahmsalter Now that’s just sad. I live in SE Texas & I’m being offered Spanish lessons by a gal from NC. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Yes! I LOVED it! That was AWESOME! (And I totally need to teach you some Spanish.)

@sarahmsalter Yes, but you’re organized and a tad OCD. I’m like that, only completely different.( in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish I walk into each store with a list. I get exactly what’s on the list and GET OUT. I don’t like crowds or fighting for parking.)

@sarahmsalter I’m pacing myself, Sarah… (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Good gosh, Woman. How much shopping do you have to do?)

I’ve been absent from the twitter quite a bit this week. And yet I’m still not finished with my shopping.

@muchl8r Suck in your head? (in reply to muchl8r Carol of the bells suck-in- my. . .head. . . Slowly. . .k-illing me.)

@PuriChristos You must be channeling Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver.

Follow @billycoffey NOW!

But first…Obama gave himself a B+. Sure wish he had been my 9th grade math teacher…

Gotta go do another #tendollarblessing, ninja style…

@shrinkingcamel Oh, Brad. You know I’m not the boss of me. (in reply to shrinkingcamel @katdish @poemsandprayers Thx for the RTs! Hope you don’t have toxic employers…(esp. since u r both self-employed)

@PuriChristos Since it’s Christmas, I won’t make a comment about your little po-dunk town. (in reply to PuriChristos @katdish had a visitor in the church yesterday that moved here from Houston. Talk about trading up.)

@redclaydiaries Dog Videos: Next, on a very special Red Clay Diaries…

@HeatheroftheEO We are quite the banterers, aren’t we? (in reply to HeatheroftheEO @redclaydiaries @katdish Hi ya! I’ve missed your twitter banter. (you know I think you should get some kind of banter award, right?)

But I would never do that (on the twitter)

Jerry Seinfeld might call Tiger Woods a male bimbo, or a Mimbo…

Guess how many twitter posts this makes for me? That’s right – twenty-eight. Sorry/you’re welcome.

More twitter caroling, Houston snow and weiner poopie

Okay, yes. It snowed in Houston last week. Old news. It’s all gone but the memories. More twitter caroling and whatnot. Also, I received an multiple recipient email with approximately 3,500 responses in the span of 20 minutes. Hence the exploding head tweet…

The best of me (or not) on the twitter:
@PuriChristos Cuz you ain’t been nothin’ but bad.

@PuriChristos So, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas Mommy and Daddy are mad. I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas

@PuriChristos I did a dance on Mommy’s plants Climbed a tree and tore my pants Filled the sugar bowl with ants Somebody snitched on me.

@sarahmsalter @br8kthru Well, best I can figure, @weightwhat broke spades w/some kind of bodily function tweet. Am I right?

@br8kthru @sarahmsalter @weightwhat @redclaydiaries I don’t even want to know what y’all are talking about…

RT @stretchmarkmama: @prodigaljohn Are you like eight feet tall? //If by “8′ tall” you mean “No”, then yes.

So, did you hear? I’m a “powerful internet tornado” (snort!):

@sarahmsalter I have no problem w/dollar store, I’m just anti-crap. I hate it when someone says, “Look! This was only $1” if it’s not needed

@marni71 @sarahmsalter (Slowly shaking my head in disapproval…)

@redclaydiaries You know what works for that? A recipe. Written down. (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish Thank you. It always takes me 1 batch to remember how to make fudge. ADD is a b****)

@marni71 Don’t forget to dust the antlers before you decorate. ( in reply to marni71 @redclaydiaries @katdish @CandySteele @SBeeCreations Good morning ladies. I’m transforming my office into a Christmas wonderland.)

@PeterPollock It’s mad at me for dissing it on the twitter. ( in reply to PeterPollock Intense Debate is having HUGE problems on my blog today. Don’t give up though. Better to have 2 comments the same from you than none!)

@redclaydiaries Oh, well that sounds disgusting. (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish U might like my first batch. More grainy than fudgey.)

@gyoung9751 I am now following your lovely wife, @Janet52young

22 entries on the #tendollarchallenge. Awesome…

@PuriChristos I just don’t like the idea of having comments rated. Just bugs me

@redclaydiaries You know what? I don’t like fudge. Too fudgey…

@muchl8r , et. al. – Why I hate The Prayer Cross commercial:

@muchl8r Yesh! My day was going very well. But now that Prayer Cross commercial is on and I want to punch someone in the neck.

@bryanallain Oh, I’m all up in that

RT @bryanallain: KILLER DEAL at Amazon right now on ALL 190 episodes of Seinfeld on DVD – $84.99 (from $250.99)

@PuriChristos Yet another reason I hate intense debate.

@billycoffey Sigh. I know. If it wasn’t for the heated garage, I don’t know what I would have done. (in reply to billycoffey @katdish I can’t believe your car even started in those temperatures.)

@billycoffey I know. It’s horrid… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish You poor thing.)

@CandySteele @buzzbyannies @billycoffey It’s a chilly 37 here. I drove my daughter to the bus stop.

@kenworley What a bunch wet blankets… (in reply to kenworley @katdish Good morning. I don’t think the other people in the office would like it if I wore fuzzy pj this morning.)

Good Morning Twitter! It’s looking like a fuzzy pj sort of morning!

Super Cool Pastor/Church Planter/Twitter Snob Vince Antonucci is doing something awesome, you should check it out

“We have absolute verification that our suspect lives here. His phone no. is on this pizza box”~Dog the Bounty Hunter

@charliewetzel you ARE a mean one Mr. Grinch!

Behold! Whoville at night!

@llbarkat Tell you what, next time I’m in NY, I’ll buy you a venti and one of those fancy muffins. (in reply to llbarkat @katdish you can’t leave. I’m waiting for my coffee. πŸ™‚

Okay, people! Gotta go paint a laundry room today. For money. I’ll have to enrich all your lives later…

RT @pagan43: @billycoffey Cheese and wine go well together. Do not let them abuse you ! //Oh, he loves it…

@redclaydiaries Don’t forget your snuggie… (in reply to redclaydiaries Spending the day out. Which means I’m fully dressed. In clothes. That match. And wearing shoes. U wouldn’t recognize me)

RT @HeatheroftheEO: @billycoffey Yes, no more Mr. Whiney Whinerton. Rain Shmain πŸ™‚

@billycoffey Sorry, have I not called you that before? My bad… (in reply to billycoffey @katdish Now you’re calling me cheesy?!)

RT @sarahmsalter: @billycoffey A casserole is a complex, but often comforting mixture. I think that fits. //& cheesy – don’t forget cheesy

@gyoung9751 I know…we’re weather wussies. (in reply to gyoung9751 @katdish When we lived in Houston, it snowed once – 1/2 inch. Paralyzed the city.)

RT @mabeswife: RT: @JeffAbram: Hate cannot run out hate, only love can do that. – Martin Luther King @quotme

@MattTCoNP @buzzbyannies Shaddup

“You are a human casserole, Mr. Coffey.” – @candysteele

@gyoung9751 Well, not if you live in St. Louis. That’s big news in SE Texas.

The lovely & talented @JeanneDamoff wrote a very nice post where she calls me “adorably incorrigible”

@TheBloggess You’re a little too far southeast. Been to West Texas lately? (in reply to TheBloggess Also? Horny toads. Where have all the horny toads gone? I can only assume they’re with the tumbleweeds.)

@billycoffey Well you’ve all heard the storyAbout Rudolph and his nose Well I’ll tell you a Christmas tell That never has been told

@pagan43 Um…ewh. (in reply to pagan43 @katdish Weiner Poopie is waaaay funnnnee. Not like Rotweiler Poopie, which has buttons,fabric scraps and all manner of debris. KC)

@bryanallain I think you just like typing weiner poopie.

RT @bryanallain Weiner Poopie

@llbarkat A client asked me how much I would charge her to paint all the woodwork in her house. I quoted her a million dollars.

@marni71 My mom buys me clothes for Christmas. She wraps them in the hanging bag w/the hangers still on them. (in reply to marni71 @makeadiff21 What is this “wrap” of which you speak. If it doesn’t fit in a gift bag, I don’t buy it.)

@marni71 Ugh! (in reply to marni71 @sarahmsalter @katdish @billycoffey @makeadiff21 Good Morning! There are 17 shopping days left until Christmas. You’re welcome.)

Safety warning! Do NOT eat the new ZHU ZHU pets toy. Thank GOODNESS I read that…

@BridgetChumbley Now I’ve got that song in my head. Anticipay,yay,tion is making me wait…

RT @BridgetChumbley: New Post: One Word at a Time…’Anticipation’

Oh GAAAA!!! Joel Osteen is on my tv! Where’s the remote?

RT @CarolynHoyt: What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.

@CandySteele No, sigh…it’s all gone. I can’t believe you didn’t choose to bless that guy with whole milk & a pack of smokes!

RT @Brian_Russell: Saw a license plate on a Corvette that said “RT THIS”. You, sir, are a nerd.

@CandySteele I’ll tell her after she stops crying about what you said.

@CandySteele Are you dissing my daughter’s snowman? Do you want to make her cry or something?

@PuriChristos Yes. It’s about 2 feet high. I’ve NEVER seen this much snow in Houston, & it’s still coming down.

@redclaydiaries I think @charliewetzels tweet is a TWSS comment waiting to happen.

Can I sub in watermelons? #randomemailquotes

Deep breath…AHEM. #followfriday @myapronstrings & mucho thanks for the $10 Challenge button design

@redclaydiaries What you need is a good coconut bra #randomemailquotes

@billycoffey Don’t you start with me… (in reply to billycoffey @sarahmsalter Oh, @katdish doesn’t pay any attention to me anymore. I keep her too busy.)

Dear Twitter, If you don’t hear back from me today, it’s because my head exploded. Love, katdish

I just found out school is letting out early because of weather conditions. Okay, seriously? Michigan is laughing at us.

RT @jewda4: taking the road less traveled is generally a wise move, except in heavy snow with a 4-cyl car

Nooo! RT @Helenatrandom: Here’s a secret about me….Sometimes I get carried away and go a little overboard. Shhh…Don’t tell anyone.

RT @PeterPollock: Follow @billycoffey He’s written the best fiction novel of 2010! #followfriday
@Helenatrandom Ah, yes…thank goodness for Al Gore (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish It must be the fault of………….GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!!)

It’s snowing in Houston!

@sarahmsalter Mmmm…..monkey!

Sorry/You’re Welcome

Christmas decorating, Twitter caroling and laundry – I’m a multi-tasker!

This week @HelenatRandom came up with the fabulous idea of Twitter Caroling, which frankly took about two or three emails for me to grasp what the heck she was talking about — I’m sort of dumb sometimes. Anyhoo, it was a great way to get into the Christmas spirit. Helen is like our random, cheery cruise director on the twitter. I even got serenaded by the beautiful, classic Christmas favorite, “Grandma got run over by a reindeer.” Appropriate, don’t you think?

Got my Christmas lights and yard art up, too. Overall a very productive week on and off the twitter.

So, here’s the best of me (or not) on the twitter:

@sarahmsalter That’s why I use symbols like @$$ (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish I try to keep it rated-PG.)

@sarahmsalter Or a wise something… (in reply to sarahmsalter @billycoffey A search party to find baby Jesus… Well, that must make you a wise man. Or at least a wise guy.)

Yard art envy

@JodyHedlund Yeah, hold out as long as you can. When my kids gave up naps I was like, “Well NOW when am I supposed to take a shower?”

@JodyHedlund Wait…your 4 year old still takes naps? Lucky!

@redclaydiaries Well, after the baby Jesus at McDonalds comment, I wouldn’t be so sure.

@redclaydiaries Is there lightning in the greater Georgia area? Think I might stay inside if I were you…

@redclaydiaries Dang, you beat me to the breaking wind comment…

@PuriChristos Uh, huh…got my link didn’t I? (in reply to PuriChristos For lazy people like @katdish you can get to using this short url

@PuriChristos You should provide a link.

@kenworley It’s sort of an ongoing conversation, Ken (in reply to kenworley @katdish are you talking to your-self again.)

Yesh! 2 loads away from completing the laundry! What’s that?…Is everything folded and put away?…Oh, shut up.

@indymavs Good for you! I just pulled 4 paper towels, a gum wrapper & a pen out of one load of jeans. (in reply to indymavs @katdish mine are typically trash-free)

Oh, okay…So @prodigaljohn gets Little Drummer Boy, @stacyasmallSFL get Emmanuel, and I get Grandma got run over by a Reindeer? Nice…

@br8kthru You’re like a weird combination of Michael Scott and Joey from “Friends”.

Laundry Day Survey: Do all menfolk use their pockets as tiny trash receptacles, or is it just my household?

@bryanallain Today? Oh, enriching lives thru the power of social media and laundry. (in reply to bryanallain @katdish good morning to you as well. what’s on tap for today?)

@stacyasmallSFL In ancient times did’st give the LawIn cloud, & majesty and awe. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Okay, my friends. I gotta get some sleep! Goodnight all! And goodnight @HerbieGookins, wherever you are!

@weightwhat Dang! I was trying to beat you to the TWSS!

@sarahmsalter TWSS

@sarahmsalter You’re gonna hook up with Mr. Linky in the morning? And…..

RT @human3rror: Wow. Fire in the apple store. Kicked out by fire marshals. //WHAT DID YOU DO???

RT @weightwhat: Me thinks that @billycoffey doth protest too much. // I concur…

RT @billycoffey: Came home to find my wife playing the Kenny G Christmas CD. I suddenly hate this time of year

@weightwhat Sweat pants. (in reply to weightwhat I’m going to Sonic for the 1st time. Any recommendations?)

@HeatherSunseri Sorry. @helenatrandom was having TWS – twitter withdrawl syndrome. Not to be confused with TWSS.

This is a test.

@TAnneAdams Writers always see the glass half empty, huh? With a chip and a lipstick stain on the side.

RT @TAnneAdams: SO strange not have a word count hanging over your head. Although, I’m sure edits will find a fresh way to stress me out.

RT @kelli1227: Black Friday observation: wearing Crocs and a Snuggie at Macys after lunch is not cool. Really.

My weaknesses? Well, I oversleep and call in sick a lot. #NotToSayOnJobInterview

RT @InkPanther: I love starting fires. #NotToSayOnJobInterview

RT @marni71: Seriously! Who let’s Bruce Springsteen record Christmas music? It sounds like he’s having a colonoscopy when he sings…

RT @marni71: @katdish So now you’re a lunch menu pharisee as well? // No, I just don’t eat fish out of a can.

RT @marni71: @Helenatrandom I know! Spray cheese does sound good. Especially with @pagan43’s potted meat and saltines. //VURP!

OMGoogle, what a geek: RT @PuriChristos: at 12:42 and 10 seconds my binary clock makes a really cool arrow pointing up.

@redclaydiaries Oh, don’t worry. It’s just my imaginary friend Steph trying to steal our yard art.( in reply to redclaydiaries RT @katdish: @redclaydiaries It would make baby Jesus happy. //Mommy, what’s that scary shadow on my curtains?)

And of course sweet baby Jesus.

Exhibit B

Exhibit A

@marni71 I’m katdish. That’s what I do… (in reply to marni71 @sarahmsalter I think it counts! Don’t ask @katdish since she’s being a Christmas decoration pharisee)

@marni71 Well don’t hurt yourself going all out. (in reply to marni71 @katdish @redclaydiaries we’re gonna put a green light bulb in the porch light and red ones in the landscape lights and calling it a day.)

@redclaydiaries Oh, you’re just getting back from vacation. I’ll sit in judgment of you mid-week.

@redclaydiaries Hey there Steph! Did you hear I already have my Christmas lights up?

@marni71 Shaddup… (in reply to marni71 @katdish Today is Monday. Did your kids miss school? Nice parenting…)

@marni71 I’m okay now. Last night I thought today was Monday. Kinda freaked me out.

Hello Twitter! Miss me? I’ve been putting up my Christmas lights and yard art so that I can sit in judgment of those of you who haven’t.

My daughter gives my sister a Thanksgiving makeover. I am grateful my sister is not on the Twitter.

Clearly, the cows are terrified.

@JanetOber 6 months ago if you googled “katdish” I didn’t show up for a few pages. Shameless self promotion is a rare and beautiful thing.

If you google “katdish” you will find a web designer by the same name. A fact that @peterpollock no doubt finds hilarious.

And again, sorry/you’re welcome!

Thankful for the Twitter

You would think with getting my house ready for guests and Thanksgiving, I wouldn’t have much time to be on the twitter. And you would be wrong…

The best of me (or not) on the twitter:

@PeterPollock Wow. I think you’ve been hanging around me too long. Either that or you’ve been hitting the box wine early. (in reply to @katdish well… @DaleChumbley managed to RT it… but I guess it takes a man to skillfully shorten a tweet!)

@PeterPollock Thanks Peter. I would RT it, but it’s too many characters.

We haven’t eaten yet! I’m so hungry, I could eat my own cooking…

@CandySteele The goose is arriving in a couple of hours. Year 44 of NOT cooking a turkey and counting.

@Helenatrandom “beef tongue” and “delightful” should never be used together in a sentence.

@Helenatrandom Bet @bryanallain isn’t THAT hungry…

RT @Helenatrandom: @bryanallain I have a great recipe for beef tongue…//GAAAAAA!!!!!

@bryanallain When are you NOT hungry, Bryan?

Also known as the “McKnuckle” RT @MattTCoNP: Just as I’m starting to have some self esteem, McDonald’s announces McRib is back!

Gotta go walk the dog. (Not a euphemism)

@MattTCoNP Oh, Matt. You always sound grumpy.

@MattTCoNP Good morning, Matt! Getting your grump on early this morning?

RT @joannamuses: RT @FakeAPStylebook: For balance, Thanksgiving articles should also contain quotes from devastated turkey families.

@CandySteele Answer: “And I get to use my offset spatula”. Question: Name a phrase katdish would never say.

RT @marni71: @prodigaljohn dude, dial down your freak magnet.

Oh wait. Let me poke them with a stick. They love that.

Fire ants in November. Try not to be jealous.

@sarahmsalter oh Sarah, you’re such a girl. (in reply to @katdish EEEEWWWWW!)

@PuriChristos it was already dead. But I did chop up a big one with a riding lawn mower once. It was awesome. Thunk, thunk, THUNK! (in reply to @katdish What did you do?)

Dead baby snake

Merry Christmas Buddy Love!

Note to self: You are too old to sit criss-cross applesauce for long periods of time.

Or is that “blogging”? I’m so confused…

Now I gotta go back to “writing”…

I’m off to get a haircut then see about renting a bulldozer to clean my kids’ rooms.

@JeanneDamoff Snort! (in reply to @katdish @heathersunseri @billeycoffey The Dread Pirate Coffey works, but I have dibs on The Dread Pirate Roberta. (I also have the pants.)

@billycoffey What about The Dread Pirate Coffey?

@HeatherSunseri Biff, huh? Well, whatever you do, don’t call him Bill.

@HeatherSunseri He’s a fancy redneck.

@JeanneDamoff Just the shoes. I can’t tell you where the witch is until the statutes of limitations has expired. (in reply to @katdish Does your dead potted plant wear red polka-dotted shoes? Or did it land on the wicked witch of the west? Mysteries abound.)


Having company this week. Guess I should put a new plant on the front porch.

@marni71 I know. Everyone wants to support “your vision”, just as long as you do it their way.

@Helenatrandom My Sweet Helen! How I’ve missed you!

@CandySteele Who me? Never. But I come from a long line of squeaky, loud, obnoxious wheels. (in reply to @katdish you say that like you have experience.)

@redclaydiaries Remember: Squeaky, loud, obnoxious wheel! (in reply to @sarahmsalter @katdish @CandySteele @billycoffey et al, I’m ok w snakes &/or spiders. Hi & Bye. Off to see doctor. AGAIN. C U l8r)

@sarahmsalter Has Charlotte’s Web taught us nothing?

For those of you put off by the picture on my post today, be glad I didn’t post this one:

@PuriChristos The monkey spider airplane tweet.

@PuriChristos What the heck are you talking about? Did you forget your meds this morning?

@redclaydiaries It was the grocery store sushi references I’m sure.

@redclaydiaries and Belgium of course…

@redclaydiaries Well that explains why I’ve only had two hits from China! They love me in Japan!

@PeterPollock Snort! Good one… (in reply to @katdish Aww, you haven’t called me that in a while!)

@PeterPollock Oh, shut up. You know what I’m talking about. (in reply to @katdish What time machine book has your daughter read?)

@JanetOber The only thing you should eat from a gas station is a fried burrito with ketchup, and then only from Allsups.

@PeterPollock Everytime I mention “the book”, my daughter says, Oooo! The time machine book? I LOVE that book!

@PeterPollock Well, they do share a fondness for black cowboy hats.

@PeterPollock Who is Trace Adkins?

RT @PeterPollock: My daughter just saw a picture of Trace Adkins and asked “Is that @billycoffey?”

@unmarketing Well then, I’m doing it right. (in reply to @katdish by not asking people to validate their existence)

@unmarketing so how do you do it right? (in reply to If ur using TrueTwit validation to make ppl verify they’re a real person, ur doing it wrong. And ur unfollowed now)

@sarahmsalter it’s not that I can’t cook, I just don’t like to. If it was up to me we would eat sandwiches all the time.

@CandySteele I’m too lazy to do that. I don’t like chopping stuff either. Or cooking. I’m pretty much worthless in the kitchen.

“these French fries taste like salty potatoes.” – my daughter

@RobinMArnold her teacher said she knew something was up when she asked her how to spell diarrhea.

@noveldoctor Ooo! Can I be one of your minions? I’ll have family over, but they’ll be in a tryptophan coma by 3ish… (in reply to FYI: While everyone in America is tripping on tryptophan next Thurs, I’m plotting a takeover of Twitter.

@br8kthru I wouldn’t know… (in reply to @katdish neither does being humble. πŸ™‚

@llbarkat being right never gets old.

RT @llbarkat: Well @katdish will be happy about the cover. Hoping you will be too

@HeatheroftheEO I’m been hearing that a lot lately. But I know better…YOU CAIN’T QUIT ME!

RT @redclaydiaries: @katdish GET OFF MY BACK. Thank you. //Just trying to help you help me.

@redclaydiaries My inbox is seriously lacking in an email from you…

The Airing of the Grievances

I’ve always appreciated a writer’s job. They can take the obvious and make it new, can create entire new worlds, and can convey the deepest and darkest of human emotions. But it’s only been recently when I discovered they can also be a pain in the…well, you know.

But alas, it is my calling to help navigate the waters of social media. It is my cross to bear…

The best of me (or not) on the twitter:

RT @muchl8r: I just got man-whiched between a large boss and a big graphic artist at work. . . Where’s my HR Person?

RT @TonyCToday: RT @misstexan: Cigarette smoke, b.o., and cheap cologne- do I work in a bar? No. Just a high school.

RT @stretchmarkmama: I’m flossing before noon. I hate to be so transparent like that, but there it is.

@TonyCToday Well, as long as you’re emotionally shattered already, you should read my post today

@TonyCToday So do I! But does being able to punch one make it better. I’m thinking yes.


Remember these?:

@billycoffey Well of course you’ve taught me something: how to deal with crazy writer people.

“There’s no doubt that Jesus’ action created one king-sized moment of awkward silence.” – Jeff Hogan, C3

And since Michelle broke spades with her comment, then YES, that’s exactly what that tree looks like:

@billycoffey Buh, bye…

@billycoffey You’re right. I am very thankful that I can remove people from my friends column whenever they make me mad. (in reply to @katdish Quit griping and be thankful.)

@billycoffey Meh? Now what kind of attitude is that. This is your best life NOW!

@billycoffey Turn that frown upside down Mr. Coffey! (in reply to @katdish A cloudy, cold day that promises rain. That’s what’s up.)

RT @prodigaljohn: SCL crew raised $950 to match donations to Vietnam today. Give $1, we’ll match it. $20? Matched

I heart direct messaging…(in reply to a DM sent to @HelenatRandom – I crack myself up.)

@Helenatrandom Oh, I’m in…

@billycoffey Whatever helps you sleep at night, Billy. (in reply to @katdish Well, I’m a redneck. Rednecks are tougher than samurai ninjas.)

@billycoffey That too… (in reply to @katdish Thought you were a samurai.)

@billycoffey Of course not. I’m a ninja. (in reply to @katdish Ah, morning katdish! I didn’t see you lurking.)

@billycoffey Well bah humbug to you too!

Follow @PeterPollock . Okay? Good

RT @prodigaljohn: Play matchmaker? @katdish will $1 for evry $5 the Acuffs match tom for $500 for Vietnam. You in? 25cent match means $25

RT @prodigaljohn: I’ve got 5 on it. Tomorrow, Acuff family is matching the 1st 100 $5 donations for 2nd kindgrten

@llbarkat We’re devising a clever marketing plan for your book. You’re welcome. (in reply to Are you guys talking behind my Twitter? @katdish @gyoung9751 πŸ™‚

@gyoung9751 Have you ever bought a book based on its cover? I know they say you can’t judge one by it, but I think people still do

@gyoung9751 And my answer is, Number 2

@gyoung9751 Not to sound like a complete sell out, but I ask myself, “Which cover would people gravitate towards at a bookstore?”

@llbarkat So let me ask you, what are you trying to convey with the cover art? What mood do you want to set?

@BridgetChumbley No. I’m the boss. (in reply to @katdish Well, you are the boss… or wait, is that @billycoffey? I get so confused!)

@BridgetChumbley Well I mind! Slacker… (in reply to @billycoffey Of course not. You can add that link whenever you are ready & able. How are you feeling?)

How early is too early for grocery store sushi? I got a hankerin

RT @muchl8r: MMMM-Bop! //What???? Hanson? Really? Has hell frozen over?

Hey! You know what? I think I’m pretty smart. I really don’t want to take your DM IQ test. Thanks anyway Spammy McSpammer!

@muchl8r Will there be thinly veiled threats of violence? (Say yes)

@HerbieGookins I’ve missed your long, seemingly unrelated to content comments on my blog.

@HeatherSunseri Okay, sorry. That was kinda gross…

@HeatherSunseri That’s what the Imodium said too… (in reply to @billycoffey @katdish You guys are so cute. This too shall pass. That’s what my mama always says.)

@HeatherSunseri I didn’t quit. He’s just being disagreeable. (in reply to @billycoffey By the way, before I reject or accept the job, what did you do to make @katdish quit?)

@billycoffey Oh, shut up… (in reply to @katdish Funny, mine’s doing the same thing.)

@billycoffey Oh, wow. You should see my DM column filling up right now… (in reply to @katdish YOU CAN’T QUIT ME!)

Hey! Any writers out there looking to be made a household name? I may be available soon.

RT @billycoffey: @sarahmsalter Is that what @katdish does? Look out for me?

@sarahmsalter It’s darned near a full time job. (in reply to @katdish I understand. You’re looking out for @billycoffey’s best interests. :o)

@sarahmsalter I’m not the boss of him. I just strongly suggest things

@redclaydiaries Perhaps you just needed a good blood letting.

#FF @br8kthru Because he rocks the sweater vest.

@RachelleGardner So the query delivered by the singing gorilla telegram was not impressive? Dang… (in reply to Writers: Pretty much anything you do to get our attn in your query, besides a terrific blurb, is wasted effort. #pubtip)

@DaleChumbley Aw, Dale. No one should ever get credit for your stupidity but you.

@redclaydiaries How did I miss the waffle ho conversation? Stupid non virtual life…

And of course…Sorry/you’re welcome!

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