The ragamuffin there in the middle would be me...

This started out as a short bio, but then I got a bit carried away. So I’m calling it my testimony:

While I call Texas my home now, I was born in Fredrickburg, VA. The youngest of four born of a mulit-generation Virginian father and a Japanese mother new to the United States. Bi-racial couples hardly cause a second glance these days, but back when I was growing up in a small southern town, that wasn’t the case.

My sisters were academically gifted, my brother excelled in sports. And then there was me. Sort of klutzy (okay very klutzy), silly, chatty Kathy. I wasn’t really good at anything, except maybe driving my family crazy with my incessant chattiness. I remember feeling very different. I used to wish that I had blond hair and blue eyes like my cousin, then I would be loved and accepted. Seems silly now, but it was an impossible dream that I constantly yearned for.

I gave up the blond hair/blue eyes dream, but never the dream of fitting in; of being accepted. This empty dream lead me down some very dark paths. Years of self destructive behavior. “Tracks of my Tears” could have been my theme song: “People say I’m the life of the party, Cuz I tell a joke or two”. That was me. The life of the party. Little did anyone know I was dying inside. I never felt good enough, never thought I measured up to anyone else. I talked a good game, but I was on very shaky ground.

Fast forward several years. I find myself married with a newborn son. Sleep deprived, depressed and completely overwhelmed. I realized the firm control I thought I had on my life was an illusion. And a flimsy one at that. I’d been to church growing up; had a few brief conversations with God, but I never really knew Him.

As I lay crouched in a ball on the floor of my room, my newborn son screaming in the background, I cried out to God: “You have to take this from me. I can’t do this on my own! You win! I surrender!”

And He did.

And I did.

And I must continue to surrender every single day. I have a good life, a great life, even. But there is always longing, because we are not meant for this world. We are meant for Paradise.
So we carry on.

We love.

Because He first loved us.

8 Responses to “Testimony”

  1. Lainie Gallagher May 11, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

    WOW! I never knew your story — I’m so glad you wrote it.

  2. *~Michelle~* May 13, 2010 at 4:26 am #

    “because we are not meant for this world. We are meant for Paradise.”

    woah. Amen to that!

  3. Jane Wells July 27, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    Yup… you know, except Michigan instead of Virginia, and a mentally handicapped sibling instead of biracial… and yeah… It’s good when it’s all God, isn’t it?
    Thanks for the tesimony,and the reminder to testify.

  4. Hazel Moon January 25, 2011 at 1:40 am #

    Hey, I had not read your testimony until this evening and it is so precious. I am very happy that you surrendered and are a blessing in your church and in your blog posts too!

  5. Monica Sharman October 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    My first time on this page. Thank you so much.
    And now I will think of you whenever I hear Smokey Robinson.

  6. Deborah October 17, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    I finally read your testimony.
    Glad I did.
    You took the time to write it.
    Glad you did
    God has set eternity in the hearts of men.
    And I’m glad He did.

  7. Audra Krell March 23, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    Inspiring testimony, thank you, thank you!!!

  8. Karen Berry June 18, 2014 at 10:56 am #

    Hi Kathy,
    My name is Karen Berry and I am doing my family tree on the Packett, Delano and Reynolds families of Virginia. Your Dishman family eventually trickles down from their. My great great great grandparents Henry Packett and Ann Nancy Scrimger are your 4th great grandparents. I am taking on the daunting task of finding ALL OF THEIR DESCENDANTS. Today, I bumped into you. Yay!! So I took about a half hour or so to read your blogs. I found your Dad first through census records, then your Mom through their marriage record on line and then you because of your blog. So I would like to know more about your direct family for my tree and I would be happy to share info with you if you are interested. I have been working on this off and on for 13 years, but the last 8 months most intensely. My father too came from a family of 12, I am the youngest of four, was born in 1965 and yes, I was born in Fredericksburg, VA. I was born at Mary Washington hospital. I am guessing you were too. So see we already have things in common. Anyway, I researched 18 hours yesterday, so I am a bit sleep deprived. Please contact me at berryetc@aol.com when you get the chance. Love your blog, especially what you wrote about your beautiful mother. And I too have a beautiful mother. Take care. Distant cousin Karen

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