Katdish.net

So it seems some of my chatty bloggy gal pals/royal twitter ho-nesses think I’ve been a bit of a slacker this week. I suppose twitter-wise that’s the case. Actually, even though I have been on the computer quite a bit this week, I was barely even able to keep up with my own blog, let alone my normal stops and the twitter. It’s sort of been crunch time on some other projects that I’m working on, so please forgive me for not enriching your lives with my awesomeness. I will try to do better next week, but I’m not making any promises I can’t keep.

And now for the best (and least) of me on the twitter:

1. I think Amazon should send me a Kindle. Just because…

2. RT @MichaelHyatt: Just a thought: Amazon should market Kindle similar to how Apple marketed iPod: “1,500 books in the palm of your hand.”

3. @Helenatrandom And who died and made y’all the twitter police?2 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to Helenatrandom

4. You may apologize by reading my blog post: Believing is also Feeling (The artsy post):

5. AHEM! Some of us had to paint today and therefore could not be on the twitter.

6. Don de’ esta, @HerbieGookins

7. @HerbieGookins Ask your mom if she knows any publisher interested in it. I can get started on it right away.

8. …Even though I would totally buy that book…

9. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Kat Dish #failedchildrensbooktitles

10. @shrinkinngcamel Deep dish, katdish

11. RT @ProfessionalOne: @katdish Conference you in? Hell, you’re the only topic I’ll be discussing! The class is called “A twitter Case Study: @katdish …

12. @ProfessionalOne Oooo! Can you conference me in?

13. @shrinkingcamel Okay…wait…whaa? No wonder you make the big bucks…

14. Art is the concrete artifact of faith and expectation – Stephen King

15. @shrinkingcamel You’re dead to me, Bradley.

16. @shrinkingcamel DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST TELL ME I WAS WRONG????

17. @shrinkingcamel Is anyone hiring? I’m very good at disagreeing with people.

18. The Sound of Muzak #failedchildrensbooktitles

19. @redclaydiaries Some people just can’t appreciate the classics.

20. @redclaydiaries Now there’s a book you could write!

21. Little Stephanie’s Chicken Foot Necklace #failedchildrensbooktitles

22. The Boxcar Children and the Old Hobo’s infected Foot #failedchildrensbooktitles

23. RT @asilannax: I’m half southern and half Canadian, so when I’m rude to you, I’ll sugar coat it, then apologize profusely afterwards.

24. RT @Go_RV_ing: rainbows n unicorns….lotto tix and winnin’s …these are a few of my favorite things

25. Sometimes I have things to say to myself and I don’t want everyone all up in my business.

26. It’s so frustrating that twitter won’t let me DM myself!

27. @WinLiannefield Aw, it’s all good. Have you bathed today? If yes, then I think you’re okay.

28. @WinLiannefield Will you be joining the twitter ho carnival this week?

29. @n8sant I like to think of it as “Enriching lives thru the power of social media.” Tweet a lot sounds so common.

30. @marni71 Hey Marni! (@helenatrandom told me to say that) But seriously – Hey!

31. Just to tell you, if I see your avatar on my tweetdeck more than my own, you need to take it down a notch.

32. Sorry. Shameless, I know…

33. RT @Helenatrandom: @br8kthru That would be horrendous! what would I do if I couldn’t see @katdish ‘s tweets. I bear it enough on Sundays, but ot ..

34. @Helenatrandom Oh, seismic – meh! I didn’t like it either. Try tweetdeck, I love it. I have a facebook column that I completely ignore!

35. @godhasablog I’m sure you know what I’m talking about….being God and whatnot.

36. @godhasablog They should all move to Houston. No knights or kings, but plenty of queens.

37. @br8kthru You mean like “rising stars” watch list or “for the love of Gumby would this woman please shut up” watchlist?

38. @godhasablog I thought that title was already taken by @ryanmer

39. @godhasablog I don’t like where this is heading, Sir…

40. RT @billycoffey: Boxing! Sweat! Blood!

41. @br8kthru People Browser not showing my tweets?!? ….farging bastitches…

42. How did I get on some random Avon emailing list? Hmmm…..

43. @Brian_Russell I have no clue what that tramp stamp is supposed to mean. Should I be flattered or offended.

44. @JeanneDamoff Trust me, Jeanne – I’m not that big a deal. But you’re right – kids say the funniest things.

45. @MistiPearl ACK! Again with the Tom stuff!

46. @JeanneDamoff I like to keep people curious.

47. @becca_homefront Yay, indeed. I’m looking forward to posting it. Very good read.

48. A quote (or re-quote) from the one and only @JeanneDamoff : “Watch Me break this board with my head.” ~ Jesus.

49. RT @RachelleGardner: “Becoming the reader is the essence of becoming a writer.” John O’Hara//Oh, man! Is that good or what?

50. @Helenatrandom I’ll have to go read all your butt tattoo suggestions from my PCB* post.

51. RT @Helenatrandom: @katdish Then I’d have to referr to my buttcheeks as “”the twins”. Who wants that?

52. @Helenatrandom I figured you would want Mary Kate and Ashley.

53. @Helenatrandom Annie’s frontsetts…Snort!

54. I’M NOT TELLING WHAT OR WHERE MY TATTOO WILL BE! NEVER EVER!

55. @JeanneDamoff Yay! I can’t tell you what OR where….

56. “An artist is a creature driven by demons. He doesn’t know why they choose him and he’s usually too busy to wonder why.” – Faulkner

57. I want a tattoo, but if I told you of what I’d have to…well, you know…

58. @HerbieGookins Good Morning! How is Mr. Gookins and the little Gookins today?

59. And speaking of coffee, Good Morning @billycoffey

60. @buzzbyannies Color me impressed. Here’s what I come up with before coffee: “GAAAA! I need coffee!”

61. RT @jackalopekid: What r u doing right this second? (I’m on the twitter – duh)

62. Here’s one: “Never, ever hit someone in anger, unless you’re absolutely sure you can get away with it.” Harold Ramis

63. What are some of your favorite quotes? Inquiring minds wanna know:

64. Time to run some rock star errands. I need some people…

65. RT @PuriChristos: @Helenatrandom I have the spiritual gifts of wise ass and being even more stuborn (spelling? not so much)

66. What Helen said…

67. RT @Helenatrandom: @PuriChristos Some people have the spiritual “gift” of stubbornnes..Sometimes I “regift” stubbornness myself…

68. @HerbieGookins And yet you steadfastly refuse my lovely Bratz Dolls. Go figure…2:14 PM Jul 27th from TweetDeck in reply to HerbieGookins

69. @HerbieGookins You should get Mr. Gookins to make some Toy Story nightmare toy out of it .2:07 PM Jul 27th from TweetDeck in reply to HerbieGookins

70. RT @HerbieGookins: Meet me as a fourteen year old. I was way too serious. http://bit.ly/VxfsD (Well looky there, Beth wrote a blog post!)

71. You become responsible forever for what you have tamed. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

72. @emptynestegg Fun today? Hmmm….You should go to my blog and make fun of @billycoffey ‘s shirt.

73. RT @Helenatrandom: @HerbieGookins You’re being stalked by three erratically behaved midgets?! OMGoogle! You poor thing..//OMGoogle!

74. RT @HerbieGookins: @katdish I’m pretty sure I do…does the pastor’s name rhyme with Mole Schmosteen?

75. @HerbieGookins SNORT! Yes. Yes it does.

76. @HerbieGookins Thanks. Do you know what the “Fellowship of Excitement” is?

77. Is there something wrong with my tweetdeck, or are my friends just ignoring me? Hmmm?????

78. @HerbieGookins Oh, so you’re chatting with @helenatrandom, but not me. Nice..

79. @HerbieGookins Hi Beth! Normal is relative. You are, after all, in Indiana.

80. @ryanmer Dude, seriously. How can you not have a driver’s license? You wouldn’t last a day in Houston.

81. @PeterPollock Yes, Peter. I’ll say it again. You’re prompt. No one can take that away from you.

82. @weightwhat Like I have that kind of time. Just RT everything she says, okay?

83. @PeterPollock You get all the cool kids to follow you first!

84. Where are @redclaydiaries tweets?

85. Thanks for the follow high profile Christian writer dude who will remain nameless! You won’t be sorry, despite what @redclaydiaries says.

86. @billycoffey That’s the beauty of me! And incidentally, sorry/you’re welcome.

87. @BridgetChumbley I think that will be my first book: Katdish quotes Sure to sell tens of copies.

88. @billycoffey Hey! You’re supposed to be sending me that book!

90. @bryanallain EWH, EWH, EWH!

91. @PeterPollock Pastor Billy? Not quite. But he does write some good parables, huh?

92. @unmarketing Canadians: Like regular white people, only slower.

93. @unmarketing Tempting…but Canada? Meh…

94. @tremendousnews Clown make-up? UNFOLLOW!2:34 PM Jul 26th from TweetDeck in reply to tremendousnews

95. RT @tremendousnews: I’m in the blissfully unaware period between waking up and remembering why I have clown makeup on.2:33 PM Jul 26th from TweetDeck

97. RT @muchl8r: keyword search that brought someone to my blog “christian puberty” that pretty much nails it! http://thoughtife.blogspot…./

98. @buzzbyannies No. I’ve replaced those items with a sock full of quarters, because you just never know when you’ll need that…

99. @buzzbyannies Of course not! (I took out the coffee and the airline pretzels)

100. @redclaydiaries – I reposted the crap in my purse post, where I give you full credit for getting me on the twitter.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as always:

Sorry/you’re welcome.

Now if you wrote a twitter post, please link your bad self up right here:

UPDATE: I’m not feeling particularly wordy today, but since I’ve had two “I don’t get it” comments since I first posted this, I feel the need to explain just a bit about what was going through my jumbled little mind when doing this post. Art is so much more than the ability to paint, write or sculpt from a technical standpoint. Ten artists might see the same tree and paint it ten different ways, because so much of the creative process comes from the heart, not the head or hands. So, there you go…

How to Draw a Picture (Part 7)
(Excerpt from Duma Key by Stephen King)

Remember that “seeing is believing” puts the cart before the horse. Art is the concrete artifact of faith and expectation, the realization of a world that would otherwise be a veil of pointless consciousness stretched over a gulf of mystery. And besides — if you don’t believe what you see, who will believe your art?

Believing is also feeling.
Any artist will tell you so.

“Art is the concrete artifact of faith and expectation, the realization of a world that would otherwise be a veil of pointless consciousness stretched over a gulf of mystery.”

Yes.

A very special guest blogger today. I found my way over to Rebecca’s blog via Billy Coffey’s blog. Turns out they are from the same neck of the woods. Rebecca’s blog is an outgrowth of her husband’s deployment to Iraq, hence the name “The Reluctant Homefront”. I asked Rebecca to guest post for me because a) she’s a great writer, and b) it seems all we ever hear about from the media is bad news when it comes to the war. I think we should take the opportunity to celebrate the good things going on over there. It’s also a good reminder to keep our service men and women in our prayers and be thankful for their sacrifices – for their country and their families. So, enough of me – here’s Rebecca:

The vehicle bounced and jounced down the dirt road. Rattling around the turret one could look out and see a steep drop-off to the first side, a muddy canal to the other. The mechanical hulk was only going 35 mph, but still the soldiers below were lifted several feet in the air and jarred their heads against the metal ceiling with each hole or rut the wheels hit. The sun scorched the land as the road stretched out as if going forever, a dusty tan ribbon running ahead of the convoy.

After passing more and more of the same dusty sand and rocks, the convoy drove up to a little hut in the middle of a field. It was little more than a hovel, sticks held together with mud and baked solid in the heat. The tussled soldiers filed out of the vehicles and smiled as children peered out the door at them and shuffled out, some shyly, others with excitement. These soldiers had been here before, and had noticed the poverty of the little family: a man; his wife and a mother, sister, or aunt; and five children like stair steps. They all lived together in the little mud hut barely the size of a bedroom back home in the States. The family was friendly, though. The children had waved at the convoys before, and the man was most welcoming in spite of the language barrier.

This little farm family had touched the hearts of the soldiers, and while out on a mission to detect those who set up the mortars which showered the base every night, they wanted to help however they could. The soldiers brought MRE meals, drinks and water, and two soccer balls to brighten the children’s day. Ever grateful, the man volubly expressed his thanks in his own language. The soldiers did their best to understand without the help of an experienced translator, wishing they had been able to bring one with them just to speak with this man. They wanted so much to help and to show that they cared. After each side struggled to express themselves, the soldiers had to move on. They filed back to their vehicles, one reaching a tanned hand out to tousle the hair of one of the little boys as they raced past the men and women to the fields beyond for an impromptu soccer match. Although the soldiers would have many other missions, this family would stay in their minds: the poverty, the gratefulness, and the gracious welcome to strangers from another land. They could have been seen as armed and dangerous. Instead they were welcomed as friends and protectors.

~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t witness this first hand. This sight formed in my mind as I smoothed cool sheets under my hands, straightened a coverlet, and settled on the edge of the bed to listen to my husband’s story. I relaxed into the mattress as he led me through that day, happy to share a good memory of helping others. I heard the satisfaction in my husband’s voice as he spoke about reaching out to the people he meets on missions now. A prior operation was training the civilian police force, something he found was often frustrating and repetitive. This new set of orders has enabled his unit to travel among the Iraqi people, and while there they are free to help in whatever ways they can. The soldiers are most fulfilled not in battles or taking down enemies (although they feel successful when those things occur), but in doing what they believe is their larger mission: aiding the Iraqi people to rebuild their lives.

I listen to these stories of the sun-baked desert from my rain-drenched house and feel more pride than ever in what we’re doing. Our family gives up its leader for a time, sharing his strength and care with another family thousands of miles away. No matter how the war was begun, the soldiers want to win it. One touch at a time.

To read more from Rebecca, visit her at The Reluctant Homefront

If you know me well, you know that I love a good quote. My Google home page has two separate widgets on there – one for daily cheeky quotes, the other for daily literary quotes. Dig that. Just a sec, let me pop over there and see what they say….

Literary Quote:
“I would say that music is the easiest means in which to express, but since words are my talent, I must try to express clumsily in words what the pure music would have done better.”
– William Faulker (American Writer)

Cheeky Quote:
“Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don’t like?” – Lisa Simpson

Not bad…sometimes they’re really good, sometimes, not so much.

Since I’m all about reader participation, I thought I would give you guys and gals an opportunity to share your some of your favorites here. They don’t have to be the “be all end all” favorites, because if you’re like me (there are some effective medications available), picking a favorite quote is like picking a favorite book. There’s just too many good ones to choose from.

Okay, I’ll start with a couple from my kids:

Here’s my son’s first memorized scripture verse (Age 3): “Follow me, and I will make you fishers. Amen”

And here’s one from my daughter last night (Age 8): “I don’t really care for queso, but I’ll take some of that melted cheese you got there.” (I don’t know where she gets that from.)

Favorite passage of scripture: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9a

And here’s a few other I like just because I like them:

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
– Judy Garland

“If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world, it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets off and makes you different from every other living creature.”
– Bruce Barton

“If you want to be miserable, think about yourself, about what you want, what you like, what respect people ought to pay you and what people think of you.”
-Charles Kingsley

“There is a logic of color, and it is with this alone, and not the logic of the brain, that the painter should conform.”
-Paul Cezanne

And just for fun, one more:

“If you want to be a holy man, you have to be committed. When you make a decision you cannot waver in any way. You’d never see Gandhi during a hunger strike sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night. “Gandhi, what are you doing down there?” “I, um, I thought I heard a prowler and was going to hit him over the head with this giant bowl of potato salad.”
-Jim Carrey

Okay…your turn. Talk to me…

But before you do, be sure to catch Part Two of Billy Coffey’s interview with Lynn Rush today about the call that every writer dreams about.

Those of you who have been reading this blog and/or What I Learned Today for awhile may have already read this post. Even if you have, it’s certainly worth another look. This story is a special one because it introduced me to Billy’s writing and, as it turns out a very dear friend. (Even if he did drop the F-bomb on his sweet grandmother.):
__________________________________________

There were prunes in the fruit salad.

I peered down into the large bowl of Jell-O and fruit, unsure of what to do. I’d never been faced with this sort of situation before.

At six, I felt I was though I was well on my way to adulthood. I could tie my shoes, count to ten, and say most of my ABCs. I no longer slept with the night light on, and I no longer harbored any fanciful misgivings of monsters in my closet.

But more than that, more than all of that, I had been recently indoctrinated into a language used by adults only, the sort of words that were only bandied about far from innocent ears.

I’d learned to cuss. And very well, I might add.

I knew them all courtesy of my next door neighbor, a ten-year-old boy who as far as I can imagine is now either incarcerated or worse. But he was cool back then, cooler than anyone I knew, and I wanted to be just like him. Told him so, too. Cussing was part of my education, and it was powerful stuff.

I kept my secret knowledge safely tucked in the back of my brain until one of the words escaped my lips in the worst place possible: my grandparents’ house. There are a lot of things you don’t do when you’re in the company of your grandmother, and there are a lot more you don’t do when your grandmother happens to also be Amish. Cussing, I found, ranked just above killing kittens and just below denying the reality of an Almighty God.

The exact situation escapes me, though I remember it was an argument in which she told me to do something, I said I didn’t want to, she said she would tell my mother, and I said, to quote, “I don’t give a $@!#.”

To make matters worse, the word I had chosen to employ was the mother of all curse words, the one my next door neighbor had dubbed “the Big One.” Guaranteed to provoke a reaction.

And there was a reaction.

Grandma stood dumbstruck for three full seconds, upon which she bent down, grabbed my ear, and drug me across the kitchen floor and into the corner, where I remained for most of the day.

I dared not turn around, either. Not when the pots and pans were crashing, not when she began pleading for my eternal soul. Only when lunch was ready hours later did she tell me to sit.

“Enjoy your food,” she said, and nothing more.

Jell-O salad. Yes! My favorite. As smooth as glass on the top and bottom, with fruit defying gravity in the middle, suspended in an ocean of transparent red. Maybe she wasn’t so mad after all. Maybe she would let bygones be bygones and we could put the whole thing behind us.

But no.

Because there amidst the bananas and pears and pineapples, there were prunes. And everyone knew I hated prunes.

“Grandma?” I said.

“Yes?”
“Why did you put prunes in there?”

“Oh my,” she said, feigning shock. “You don’t like prunes?”

“I don’t like prunes, Granmda.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’ll tell you what. You can still eat it. Just take the prunes out.”

“It won’t do any good,” I answered, sniffing the bowl. “The whole bowl smells like prunes. Even if I took them all out, it would still stink.”

“Hmm. “You’re right. What a shame. I know how you like your Jell-O salad.”

We sat there, silent. Then she said, “Where did you learn that word?”

“From a friend.”

“Friends don’t teach you things like that,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Do you know what you said was wrong?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Do you know why?”

“No,” I said. “It’s just a word. What can be so bad about just a word?”

She tapped the bowl in front of us. “Because you’re like this Jell-O salad.”

“How?”

“Whatever goes into your heart goes in there and settles. It stays. You can take good things into your heart, like the bananas and pears and pineapples. Or you can take bad things into it, like the prunes. The problem is, the good can’t make the bad better, but the bad can spoil the good. You can scoop out all the prunes, but the rest would still be messy.”

“And it would smell bad, too,” I said.

“Yes.”

“Don’t forget it,” she said.

I did though, for a while. I said and did plenty of things I had no business in saying and doing. But I know better now. Grandma was right. Once you let something into your heart, it’s there for good. Whether that thing is destined to be a joyful remembrance or an unbearable regret, we commit our very souls to the choices we make every day. And there they will remain, for good or ill, as a record of the worthiness of our lives.

To read more from Billy Coffey, visit him at What I Learned Today, and be sure to catch Part Two of his interview with Lynn Rush tomorrow about the call that every writer dreams about.

(Originally posted on 3/12/09 back when I was barely ever on the twitter. What a difference a few months makes!)

Disclaimer: Yes, that is a pricey Fossil purse with paint on it. But in my defense, it was a gift from my sister. She feels sorry for me because I have chosen to live a life devoid of overpriced accessories, so she buys me expensive purses, Pandora bracelets with coordinating overpriced beads to go with, and other fancy stuff for Christmas and birthdays. I had no idea how much that purse costs until I went to get one without paint on it. After pricing them, I decided my purse had character. I bet no one else in town has a chocolate brown Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag (don’t think I didn’t have to do a Google image search to figure out what kind of purse it is) with off-white trim paint strategically dabbed on the credit card zipper pouch. Katdish: trendsetter (CHECK!)

I’m really liking Twitter. There. I said it. (How’s that for a segue, huh?) Now, I’ll also say this: my friend Steph at the Red Clay Diaries was right. Yeah, Steph. You guilted me into it, but I’m glad I came around. It’s really opened up a whole new world of Internet peeps for me, and as you all know, I don’t spend nearly enough time on the computer. For example, this chick named
Mandy Thompson started following me. So I go check out her twitter page and her blog. Turns out, she’s just like me, except that she’s an incredibly gifted musician and is cool. She thinks I’m cool, too. But let’s not let that cat out of the bag just yet. She’ll figure out what a dork I am sooner or later.

Anyway, Mandy recently wrote a post dedicated to stuff in her purse. It looked really professional with corresponding letters to the stuff all nicely laid out. There was a purpose for everything she had in there. Contrast that to Steph’s post awhile back about stuff in her purse. Which is waaayyyy closer to what is in my purse. As it should be, as we are the same person, just in the alternate universes of Texas and Georgia. But I digress…

I really liked the way Mandy lettered the items. So, in attempt to copy her (cuz she’s cool), I attempted to do the same with the items in my purse. You would think that someone who actually paints murals and custom artwork as a trade would be able to use the paintbrush function on her computer. And you would be wrong. Painting with a mouse is nothing like painting with a paintbrush. I pretty much suck at it. But still, it took me a long time to designate letters to items from my purse in no particular order, so I’m going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the ABC’s of crap in my purse:

A) Rudy the cat. He is not now, nor has he ever been in my purse.
B) My second Blackberry. I upgraded from my first Blackberry when my dh decided he needed an iPhone. Some people never get a brand new car. I never get a brand new PDA. (Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I dig it.)
C) My business cards, “Ragamuffin Child Interiors” I realize the “child” part is redundant, as the definition of a ragamuffin is “a shabbily dressed child”. But would you hire a painter whose company name is “A shabbily dressed child Interiors”? Me thinks not.
D) Large stack of random receipts. I think it’s important to keep receipts. Why? Because my husband says so.
E) Pens that I can never find, but have obviously always been in there.
F) Giveaway mirror from my old church.
G) Oil blotting sheets. People, I am very shiny! Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room. (You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.)
H) Orbit gum – I tease Pete Wilson about chewing gum during interviews, but I’m a fairly prolific gum chewer myself. (Don’t tell him I said that.)
I) Eye wetting drops from when I had lasik surgery a year ago. Hey, you never know.
J) Broken pieces from a cheap tic tac toe game that my daughter asked me to hold for her last month.
K) No-slip ponytail holder. I swear by those, especially if you have thick hair.
L) Leftover nail glue and orange stick that I used to apply Lee press-on nails to my ugly man-hands whist attending Catalyst One Day in Alpharetta, GA.
M) Several tubes of lipstick that I almost never wear. Also, one of them is a highlighter.
N) A Speert purse hook. You set the square part down on the edge of a table, and then you can hook your purse on it. Another fancy gift from my sympathetic sister. I’ve used it once: the day she gave it to me at lunch.
O) Bed, Bath & Beyond and Linens n’ Things 20% coupons. You never know when you’ll need to buy someone a Snuggie. (I know LNT is out of business – I threw it away.)
P) A bulletin from a church where we guest-led worship a couple of Sundays ago. (Okay, it was mid-January. Are you beginning to see a trend here?)
Q) Business account checkbook.
R) A bag of gourmet coffee that they were giving out at Catalyst One Day.
S) A bag of airline pretzels.
T) A foil pack of Gas-X. (I know, I know — TMI.)
U) A copy of “Making your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other People’s Blogs” by Wordy McTypesalot. You never know when someone’s going to ask you for your autograph. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but I’m ready!
V) Wallet by “The Sack”. I love that wallet, but I don’t keep any credit cards or ID in there. It’s basically a fancy junk drawer for my purse. I’m pretty sure Waldo’s in there.
W) Credit card zipper pouch where I actually keep my credit cards and ID. Incidentally, I almost never use credit cards. I should take most of those out of there and put them in my wallet.
X) Huh….apparently, there is no “X”. But I’m not redoing that picture! (Man, I hope Angela doesn’t read this. That will drive her nuts! I swear, Angela; I did not do that on purpose this time.)
Y) Tres muchos denaro. (Dang. I’m practically bilingual!)
Z) Correct change for nothing in particular.

I suppose my purse (and the center console in my Jeep) are very much like this:

To my guy readers. Sorry. I hope you didn’t get any girl cooties while reading this post. I’ll try to write a post with some fart humor and/or gratuitous violence to make up for this one.

Wow. That was a really long post about the contents of my purse. I’m actually kind of embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to publish it. (Hit “publish post”.)

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and lest we forget my fabulous guest bloggers and tomorrow’s twitter extravaganza…

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeee–aaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!

I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90


“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00

“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…

Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…

If you read my Friday twitter posts (and who doesn’t?), then you have no doubt seen me RT a certain @asilannax. We first crossed paths way back on Stuff Chrisians Like. But unlike me, she doesn’t feel the need to comment when there’s nothing to add to the conversation. Like Travis, who guest blogged for me earlier in the summer, Anna-Lisa and I also share a birthday – August 5, in case anyone’s interested. As you will see from the following post, Anna-Lisa is like me, only much younger and funnier. So, enough of me, here’s Anna-Lisa:

When Kathy first asked me to write a blog post for her, my first thoughts were “Wait, write something longer than 140 characters? Is that even possible?” Needless to say, I’m a bit of a Twitter addict, but branching out is good, right?

Okay, now that the “What I First Thought Of When Bestowed With The Honor Of Guest Blogging For “ paragraph is out of the way, we can get on to the topic at hand! I have decided to write about How To Be Popular On The Internet. I realize this makes me sound arrogant and self-important, but then I thought about the movie Remember The Titans. Imagine if their chant was “We are the Titans, the kinda okay Titans! We are the Titans, the slightly talented Titans!” No one would have cared about that movie. That movie would have sucked.

This post will mainly focus on Twitter, since that is my area of expertise, but it can be applied to most areas of the internet as well.

Step One:
What level of popular do you prefer?

The first thing to discern is which level of popular you want to be. Do you want to be a famous individual on your own, by your own humor, efforts, talent, and hard work or play off the mistakes of others?

The answer is always the latter. If you chose the former, you have no business being on the internet. You probably already have a steady job and should be answering e-mail from your iPhone or something right now. Get off of here, the Internet doesn’t want you.

I’m obviously making a joke here, but seriously, internet popularity is easier if you just latch onto some kind of bandwagon and either support it or mock the daylights out of it. Observe American Idol, tons of people use Idol to makes lots of friends and set up websites and gossip about how they “can’t BELIEVE she chose that song last night. It didn’t fit her vocal ability at ALL.” Or, you can choose the road I travel, (AKA The Road Of Awesome!) and use the internet to make fun of Paula’s boobs and Randy’s less than eloquent vocabulary.

There’s also the youtube approach, in which you have one thing that makes you popular for a month or so, before you fade out of existence forever. Forever being until someone’s grandmother finds you by some hole in the internet and forwards around to everyone in her e-mail contact list. When your grandmother e-mails you something, understand that it has officially cycled the entire internet. Please, don’t forward it. (This includes: Charlie bit my finger, any video of a baby laughing, something disastrous and/or unexpected happening at a wedding, any video involving an animal falling off of, or into, an object, or a video with an animal and some sort of skateboard) Rule Of Thumb: If it looks like it could be on America’s Funniest Home Videos, the internet has already seen it. On America’s Funniest Home Videos. But I digress.

Step Two:
Gaining friends

The only way to gain friends is to make your ACTUAL friends join your latest obsession and feed off of them. It’s like luring a tiger into a box with a chicken wing and then eating the tiger. Oh, that might be too offensive for PETA members. It’s like luring a tiger into a box with some tofu burgers and then eating the tiger.

It’s actually nothing like that at all, I just wanted to find an excuse to throw a tiger in this blog post somewhere. *High fives self*

Step Three:
Participate in stupid actions

Have you ever considering setting yourself on fire while jumping off of a five story building onto a trampoline into a pool? Quick, grab a friend and a video camera and go do it!* Is your house on fire? QUICK, tweet about it first! Hopefully everyone will forward your stupidity around the internet until you are famous….for….being stupid. Well, no one said fame didn’t come with a price.

*Anna-Lisa and Katdish cannot be held accountable for any injuries sustained from following this advice. (Bonus tip: don’t do anything just because someone on the internet told you that their cousin’s best friend’s grandmother’s aunt’s dog did it and they TOTALLY turned out fine.)

Step Four:
Purchase an animal

Despite what you might thing, animals bring about the best entertainment on the internet. A dog chasing his tail or a cat falling into an aquarium, while overdone, is also incredibly amusing. Or suppose you find yourself alone on a Friday night, a simple tweet about “sitting alone. On a Friday night :(” will not gain you friends. You will be laughed at. However, if you buy a cute kitten and write about how you “have a smoking hot date, and the only thing he asks of you is that you change his litter box” BANG! You are suddenly funny and endearing in your loneliness. Now, hopefully your new kitten likes to snuggle, because you’ll probably still end up crying yourself to sleep each night.

Step Five:
Be famous before the internet

The best, most guaranteed way of being famous on the internet? Do something awesome before you make your appearance on the internet. Be hilarious like Ellen Degeneres. Be hot like Megan Fox. (Good luck!) Start a cult like Oprah. The possibilities are literally endless!
(Please also note that I am in no way famous online, I just enjoy stalking people that are.)

For more from Anna-Lisa in 140 characters or less, follow her on the twitter: @asilannax
For more from Anna-Lisa in blog form, you can find her at Not that You Care, But…

How to Draw a Picture (Part 6)
(Excerpt from Duma Key by Stephen King)

Keep your focus. It’s the difference between a good picture and one more image cluttering up a world filled with them…
It is a bit of a misconception that the ADD afflicted cannot focus. As a matter of fact, I have found myself so focused on a particular project that everything else simply goes undone. My struggle is not to stay focused, but to un-focus long enough at the task at hand to attend to all the other things that demand my attention.

Some questions I have never answered to my satisfaction, but I have drawn my own pictures and I know that when it comes to art, it’s perfectly okay to paraphrase Nietzsche: if you keep your focus, eventually your focus will keep you.

Sometimes without parole.

I used to be an avid scrapbooker. The maternal instinct kicked in and I felt compelled to document every major and minor moment of my first born’s life. This just so happened to coincide with an invitation to a Scrapbooking home party invite given to me by a friend from church. I had never heard of such a thing, but once I saw it, I was hooked.

I had to stop scrapbooking. It consumed me. While everyone else was putting together entire scrapbooks in record time, I became so obsessed with creating the perfect page for a particular picture or set of pictures that I would literally stay up all night until I got it just right. While my friends simply found a few stickers and/or coordinating papers and called it a day, that just wasn’t enough for me. Mine had to be a perfect representation of my emotional connection to the moment in which the picture was taken.

I am mostly ADD with some shining OCD moments. Allow me to give you a couple of examples:

Those are just three examples. On almost every page, I painstakingly recreated one or more elements in the picture. At the rate I was going, I would have my son’s baby pictures finished by the time he graduated high school. I just got overwhelmed by it. I still take pictures of my kids. My daughter wants to do her own scrapbooks. At almost 8 years old, she has given me every indication that her creative prowess puts her mother to shame. So, I’m all for that.

Fast forward to May 2008. I didn’t even know what a blog was until I read my friend and pastor Jeff’s blog. What a difference a year and a couple of months can make. What started as an outlet for my outright silliness and occasional prosperity gospel rants has turned into something so much more. It is a community. Some blogs are strictly informational. Mine could hardly be called that on my best day. My husband told me his favorite part of my blog is reading the comments. I tend to agree. I know I have many readers who rarely or never leave comments. I have some readers who only stop by on Mondays, and that’s okay, too.

So what’s my focus right now? Writing. My own and the writing of people who actually know what they’re doing. Because it’s not enough to be good or even great. You need exposure. And while this blog is not exactly breaking records for traffic, it’s nothing to sneeze at.

That’s why I have two guest posts a week.

Monday will be reserved for Billy Coffey until such time as he simply gets too busy to post here. Thank you, Billy. What a privilege it is to feature your work here every week, and what a pleasure it is to know you, my friend. I won’t even say something silly like, “Don’t forget me when you’re a famous author”, because I know you better than that. You’re a real class act and I’m thrilled that the rest of the world is about to be blessed by your words just as your regular readers have been over this past year.

Each Wednesday I will feature another new guest blogger. I have been really overwhelmed at the response to this. I thought I would be scrambling to find someone willing to write for this blog, but people have been so gracious, and the result has been some excellent posts and hopefully some new readers for my guest bloggers.

I know I joke around about shamelessly self promoting myself on twitter, but I’d much rather promote someone more worthy of attention than myself. It’s the least I can do. Because it’s not about me anyway…

Be sure to be sure to catch Part One of Billy’s interview with Lynn Rush about the call that every writer dreams about.