Katdish.net

This is a picture of my childhood friend, Karen and me at our 20th high school reunion. Do you want to know what I enjoyed about that night? That I was able to enjoy being there without being nervous about whether or not some wildly elaborate made up story about my life would hold up under scrutiny. I figured out a long time ago that I am a very square peg surrounded by round holes. Trying to fit into those holes simply wore me down and slowly chipped away at the person I was meant to be.

That is not to say that I am completely satisfied with every aspect of me. I am always striving to become the person God wants me to be. But God, not someone else’s ideal picture of what a 43 year old wife and mother of two is supposed to be.

That’s why I’m okay with being obnoxious. Some of you might be wondering if “katdish” is some sort of persona that has been created that allows me to say things that I might not otherwise have the guts to say as myself. Let me clear that up for you. This is me. Warts, monkey butts and all. Those of you who know me in real life can attest to this. Jon Acuff paid me a great left handed compliment at Catalyst One Day in Atlanta earlier this year. He said, “You’re not obnoxious, you’re just from Texas.” Thanks, Jon. I big red monkey butt heart you, too.

I’m not smart enough to keep up with more than one personality. Besides, I think doing that drains your soul and robs you of a valuable witness to the power of God’s grace – for the sinner and the saint. And for the record, you ain’t no saint! (Please, no theological arguments here, you know what I mean.)

Sometimes I say things that should probably have been left unsaid. But in the non-cyber world, I have my husband and friends who love me enough to tell me to shut up. In the blogosphere, I have a handful of good friends that will do the same. (You know who you are.)

I’m totally okay with someone not liking me. I think caring more about what people think and less about what God thinks is a horrible, wretched way to live. Now here’s a newsflash, if you don’t like me, there’s a pretty good chance I don’t like you either. But that’s okay. God calls us to love one another. He never said anything about like. Just as long as we’re not walking around with giant planks in our eyes, I’m cool with that.

This much I know is true. While I am a product of genetics and life experiences, the essence of me has remained much the same as it was when I was a silly, talkative, klutzy little girl who found herself in the spotlight more often for misbehaving than behaving. If you cannot fathom how that silly little girl might allow God to witness for Him, then you don’t get me. Which is okay. You don’t have to.

The following statement is intended for those who need to hear it. Clearly, some of you grasped this concept a long time ago. But I offer it anyway:

May I be so bold as to offer some advice? Stop trying so hard to keep up appearances. Accept that you are broken. Even if, like me, you have been smashed with a hammer. God’s light often shines brightest through the broken vessel. I for one, will love you for it.

God? He loves you, regardless. His love was poured out for you at Calvary. He doesn’t need you. But He desires your abiding love with all of His heart.

How cool is that?

I wasn’t on the twitter much last week. I’m busy people! But I still managed to enrich a few lives through the power of social media.

In particular, @sarahmsalter, who has never heard of Festivus! I know what you’re saying to yourselves, “That can’t be!”

In the words of Elaine to Jerry, “Oh, it be…”

***

@BridgetChumbley Oh, right. I haven’t had any gray hair since I was about 27.

@br8kthru Oh shut up. (in reply to: @Helenatrandom I know- the funny thing is I joked about her avoiding me then she never responded. I was trying to lure her out – oh well…)

@BridgetChumbley Hair day? Every day is hair day for me. Mostly ponytail hair day though…

@br8kthru Did you not see my earlier tweet Jason? Sheesh!

@sarahmsalter It’s Festivus for the Rest of Us:

@sarahmsalter Oh, hold on…

Does anyone else celebrate Festivus?

RT @tremendousnews: Announcement! I now have an agent. I know. I know. His name’s Doug. He’s State Farm’s finest.

@Helenatrandom No regrets, I’m like you. I’ll forget to read it if I don’t.

New rule: I’m going to actually read a post before I RT it. So if I don’t RT right away, that’s what I’m doing.

@PeterPollock You’re welcome.

@PeterPollock SNAP OUT OF IT!

@br8kthru Why would I avoid you, Jason? I’ve just been a bit busy. Besides, the sweater vest is hard to miss.

Are y’all freaking kidding me with the ads in my DM column? STOP IT NOW!

RT @muchl8r: Starting a new day. This one will rock yesterday’s socks off! Or else I’ll be forced to stab someone!

” I know that my lack of detachable feet has never interfered with my self esteem.” – @helenatrandom

What am I missing in Chicago? Besides @helenatrandom?

@pwilson You’re not going up on the roof again are you? Because if you are, you’d better bring your camera.

RT @unmarketing: How to properly add a comment to a ReTweet http://bit.ly/jqMpX //Hint: not like this.

RT @unmarketing: @katdish I’m putting you on probation, and this is going in your file //Read: @katdish is AWESOME

@unmarketing Just because I subscribe to your blog and follow most of your advice, does not mean you’re the boss of me. Probably.

@unmarketing Says who? You’re not the boss of me.

RT @unmarketing: Just saw another person add a comment to a retweet that makes it look like the originator said it. Comment before RT

@RachelleGardner Best book on writing I’ve ever read. Also the only book on writing I’ve ever read. But still…

RT @RachelleGardner: “The editor is always right.” But: “No writer will take all of his or her editor’s advice.” ~Stephen King On Writing

@marni71 Actually, no. I wouldn’t know. Snort! (in reply to: @katdish It hates me. Sigh. And I love it so. Rejection is hard, ya know?)

@PuriChristos Oh, like you wouldn’t pester me anyway.

RT @PuriChristos: @katdish my net went down. Do u like my new avatar? I picked it special 4u//See? Annoying…

Follow @PuriChristos, because it’s his birthday, and he’s like the annoying little brother you never wanted.

“A good writer is basically a storyteller, not a scholar or redeemer of mankind.” -Isaac B. Singer

RT @redclaydiaries: @billycoffey @katdish You know, I like the word “GAA.” It has so many practical applications.//It really does.

RT @makeadiff21: @billycoffey You been hangin’ with @katdish too long? // You say that like it’s a bad thing.

RT @redclaydiaries: @billycoffey TWSS!

@billycoffey Oh, like that would ever happen. We’re delightful!

@billycoffey You know me. I always go there.

RT @shrinkingcamel: Still waiting for that agent to discover your brilliant blog? http://bit.ly/2JsK //Not really, no…

As always…Sorry/you’re welcome.

I have a confession to make.

Despite advice to the contrary from well meaning friends, I am a Christian mom who allowed her daughter to play with Barbies and (GASP!) Bratz Dolls.

But thanks to generous giveaways here at HLAC, the Bratz dolls that formerly resided here now have new homes with Erin, Tony C and Jake. After all, my daughter’s body image is important to me, and I didn’t want her thinking she wasn’t pretty because she didn’t have a giant melon head, botox enhanced fish lips and detachable feet. Some lessons come slower than others, and parenthood is a series of difficult choices.

It’s such a shame I was not aware of these wholesome Christian alternatives:

God’s Girlz Dolls
Tired of toys with a worldly appearance? You’ll welcome these dolls with a perfect fit of faith and fashion! Whether your girls play with child of God Imani, nature-loving Hannah, worshipful Sarah, or musical Abigail, they’ll love the stylish outfits featuring faith-affirming T-shirts. And you’ll rejoice in the biblical message each poseable doll communicates.

Which is awesome and all, but seriously none of them look particularly wholesome when they’re lying nekkid in a clear rubbermaid container under the bed. Just saying…

I have put my foot down about certain clothes. My daughter will not be a devil fairy for Halloween despite an Academy Award worthy performance of flailing, crying and slammed bedroom doors. Nor will I allow her to wear “attitude tees” like this one:

Because if I’m being honest, there’s plenty of attitude around here without it being reaffirmed by wardrobe selections. But if you want to take it a step further, why not get a Godly attitude t-shirt?

At first glance, you think it’s snarky, but upon further inspection you realize that it is actually a bible verse!

How very clever! Take THAT satan!!!

As a very special, spooky Halloween treat, I’ve invited Beck from Toad and Frog are Still Friends (Profile: I’m a stay-at-home mom who likes to write! I know! I’m a delicate, unique snowflake!) to guest blog for me today. She has a gift, you see. A gift for taking beloved children’s stories and making them scary. I was really hard pressed to choose just one, but having suffered through countless episodes of Max and Ruby with my daughter, this one is sort of my sentimental favorite.

But enough about me, here’s Beck with her take on Max and Ruby:

***

Once there had been a mother.

He remembered her, a bit – her breath that smelled like communion grape juice and cigarettes, her harsh laugh and her sudden rages, the way he was frightened and small and hiding underneath his bed, in his tent, under the slide at the playground, hiding from her giant hitting hands and her loud voice.

Ruby made her go away.

He didn’t remember much of that night – nothing much more than Ruby giving him warm funny tasting milk at bedtime and then his sleepy awareness of raised yelling female voices and a sudden loud noise and then silence. Then he woke up the next morning to Ruby bright and extra cheerful and the kitchen extra clean and a new vegetable garden in the backyard.

He likes working in the garden. He likes putting his hands in the dirt, likes watering the fat jolly vegetables. Ruby smiles and brings him lemonade and they have picnics for lunch and sometimes he sits on the swing even though the swing is getting smaller and smaller all the time.
He keeps forgetting to ask Ruby about the shrinking swing. He forgets sometimes that Grandma went away a long time ago and finds himself standing in front of her house where strangers live now. He forgets that Mom went away, too, and hides under the piano bench, hides under the front steps, until Ruby lures him out with gummy worms and trips to the ice cream store.

“Ruby,” says their neighbour Mrs. Huffington over the fence. “You’re doing a wonderful job looking after him, but your whole life is passing you by.”

He remembers that sometimes, the way he remembers the surprising bits of red in the kitchen, the loud sound, his mother’s sharp breath and giant hurting hands. But then it’s time for a picnic and the sun is bright and it’s time to work in the garden again, their special garden where the vegetables come up so big and ripe.

***

For more children’s stories turned spooky including Clifford the Big Red Dog, Arthur, Winnie the Pooh, Pippi Longstocking, Scooby Doo, Franklin, Berenstein Bears and Goodnight Moon, check them out HERE.

Visit Beck at Toad and Frog are Still Friends and follow her on the twitter at
@beckfromfrogandtoad.

(Above picture is one of the buttons Jon Acuff gave away at Catalyst this year.)

Some may read this post and say themselves (or to me directly if they’re Nick), “Hey! She’s totally ripping off friend and spiritual sarcasm guru Jon Acuff of Stuff Christians Like!” (Whose book is now available for pre-order on Amazon.com, btw.)

Okay, maybe…but not really. I like to think of this post as more of “Sky Mall – The Spiritual Edition.” Sorry/You’re welcome.

If we are to be in the world but not of the world, would someone please tell me why Christian marketers try so hard to imitate every popular secular trend? Case in point:

Guitar Praise:
From the creators of the hit game Dance Praise comes Guitar Praise! You can grab the guitar and play along with some of Christian music’s top bands. Pretend you’re right there on stage with your favorite bands as you handle the guitar controller and play the notes they’re playing.

Who needs that rock and roll devil music when you can rock out with G-O-D? (Yeah, you know me.) Also: The hit game Dance Praise? I must have missed that one.

Sunday School Musical:
This school has all the right moves! Two competing groups of high school students must rally together and enter a song and dance competition in order to save their youth center from closing. Featuring a hot 21 songs, Sunday School Musical is wholesome family entertainment with an inspirational message!

If your tween daughter keeps nagging you to see High School Musical but you just don’t want to go there, give her this instead. Her friends will understand.

“But katdish, we have little ones! Do you have any wholesome movies that sort of look like a Disney production without all the vile language?” Why yes. Yes I do:

The Kingdom Under the Sea:

Who needs Finding Nemo when you can have this wholesome edition? Okay, so maybe don’t take this reviewer’s word for it:

Much more frightening than “Nemo”. Purchased it as I thought it would not frighten my grandchildren. Barely into it and we had to turn it off all three stories. The scenes were even frightening for me! Visuals that I am still trying to forget! The Humpty Dumpty was demonic, maybe realistic to Satan but children below ages 11 to 12 shouldn’t view it if they want to sleep at night. I was extremely disappointed in this product and would like to return it, otherwise it will end up in the dumpster.

Okay, so there’s other movies….

They don’t even apologize for such a blatent rip off of someone else’s idea! (BTW – Sorry, Jon.) I understand that imitation is supposed to be the highest form of flattery, but COME ON! This is more like, “This is like the secular version, but much better for you.” Gaa! Stop it, already!

There’s so much more folks. But since I’ll be pretty busy over the next few weeks, I thought I would make this a short post and drag this on for at least two more blog posts.

Again, sorry/you’re welcome…

(This is a repost from What I Learned Today, April, 7, 2009)

My friend Pete loves everybody. It’s a matter of pride to him, I think. He’ll tell you that he loves you the first time you meet him. Doesn’t matter who are or what you look like, either. “I’ve never met anybody I didn’t love,” he’ll say, “’Cause I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. So I gotta love you, too.” Then he’ll grab you in his gargantuan arms and lift you off the ground, shaking your bones like a pair of dice.

That’s Pete.

Pete is also as traditional as they come. Church every Sunday and Wednesday, and not a morning goes by without scripture and prayer. The combination of the two has infused in him and his family a bedrock of faith that for years refused to be shaken by anything life could throw at him.

Until the other day. Until my phone rang and he said in his breathless, forty-four-year-old voice, “You gotta get over here. Now.”

Pete was on his front porch when I got there, rocking back and forth in a lawn chair that was not made for rocking, looking thoroughly displeased. He offered me our usual snack—a Coke and a bag of peanuts. I proceeded to dump the latter into the former and take a sip of the salty sweetness.

“What’s up?” I asked him.

“Don’t believe it,” he said. “Don’t believe it, don’t believe it, dontbelieveit.”

“Don’t believe what?” I asked. Another sip.

“Johnson house sold there, across the street,” he said, pointing.

I turned around and followed his finger. Sure enough, the FOR SALE sign on the house across from his had been topped with another that said SOLD. The Johnsons had moved three weeks ago, and everyone figured that the house would be empty for a long while given the economy.

“Great,” I said, facing him again. “You have new neighbors. What’s the problem?”

“Dontbelieveit dontbelieveit dontbelieveit.”

“Pete, you swallow something you weren’t supposed to?” I asked. “You been in the moonshine?”

“Lookie!” he almost shouted, pointing again. “Lookie there and see what the cat done dragged in. Dontbelieveit!”

I turned again. Standing on the front porch of the Johnson house were Pete’s new neighbors. Older lady, slightly younger gal. They were attempting to arrange an assortment of rocking chairs and tables just so and not quite getting it. An aggravating situation for some, though they seemed in bright enough spirits.

“Pete, I don’t—”

“—LOOKIE!”

The older woman, now utterly confused by the configurations of her new porch, simply gave one of the rockers a hard shove into the younger lady. The act of frustration was met with laughter from both, who then proceeded to fall into one another’s arms and share a very long, very deep…kiss.

“Dontbelieveit,” I said.

Pete buried his head in his hands. “Lawd,” he said. I wasn’t sure if he was praying or merely dumbfounded. “Lawd Jesus God help me.”

Praying.

“Lawd, why’d You do this to me?” he moaned. “Thissa sort of thing that happens out in Hellywood, Lawd. Not ’cross the street.”

I shook my head in amazement, and the sheer irony of it all made me laugh. Pete, God-and-mama-and-apple-pie Pete, I-love-everybody Pete, had gotten a gay couple for neighbors.

“Huh,” I said. “Ain’t that something.”

“Somethin’?” he retorted, raising his head to look at me. “Don’t you know this ain’t good? Ain’t you read your Bible, boy?”

“Yep,” I said.

“Well, there then,” he answered, as if that explained things.

“You a little homophobic, Pete?” I asked, with a sip of my Coke and a smile.

“Homophobic?” he said. “Homophobic? Boy, I gotta eat a corndog with a knife and fork.”

I snorted out my drink and bent over, wiping it from my mouth and blue jeans.

Pete stared at me, unsure of what had just transpired that would cause me to make such a mess of myself. “What am I gonna do?” he asked. “What. Am. I. Gonna. Do?”

I thought about that. What was Pete going to do? Fume and pout, I supposed. For a little while, anyway. But then Jesus would come calling. The Jesus Pete loved and Who loved him more, Who said that hate was never really any good for anything other than eating up your own insides. He would come calling and tell Peter that it’s easy to love those who are like you, that everyone does that. But that love Jesus wanted from Peter was the hard love, the kind that’s not easy.

It’s okay to not like what they do, Jesus would say, because He didn’t like it either. But Jesus also loved those two women, and He wanted Pete to do the same. Because Pete had faith, and because that faith just might be the closest thing to Jesus those two women ever see.

“Just wait,” I told him. “It’ll come to you.”

We stared across the street. The two women resumed their rocking chair arranging, then stared at us.

They waved.

We waved back.

***

To read more from Billy Coffey, visit him at at his new website and follow him on the twitter at @billycoffey.

***

And be sure to stop by Nick the Geek’s blog and wish him a Very Geeky Birthday and check out my little tribute to him over at
The Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants.

UPDATE: Jeff quoted C. S. Lewis this morning in church. I thought it fit nicely with this post. Besides, you know I love me some C. S. Lewis:

“For the church is not a human society of people united by their natural affinities but the Body of Christ, in which all members, however different, (and He rejoices in their differences and by no means wishes to iron them out) must share the common life, complementing and helping one another precisely by their differences.”

Let me first say that I’m not slamming the term “Christian”. I’m okay with it. I am one. Secondly, while the Mac versus PC commercials are mildly entertaining, I have not yet nor do I plan to partake in the drinking of the Apple kool-aid. I’m sticking to my Gateway, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, I thought these parodies were pretty cool, so I wanted to share them with you. I would also like to thank ThinkChristian.net, because they originally posted these almost a year ago. They have a pretty cool website, too. You should check it out.

And one that’s close my little church planting heart:

There are several of these on YouTube. Just something to think about. Not bashing, just makes me pause and think about how non-Christians see us sometimes.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

The girl sat at home alone; at least without human company, but the family cat was there.

At 10, she had become an expert at faking a sick day. The truth was she didn’t want to go to school. She had always been a bit of a square peg, and now with her family still reeling from a bitter divorce, facing her school friends with their in-tact families seemed a bit too daunting for a Monday. Money was tight for a single mother of four, especially when said mother happened to be employed as a waitress. A day off to care for a sick child was not really an option when you worked for tips.

Her mother reluctantly left her youngest child home alone, knowing there were neighbors next door and across the street the girl could call in case of an emergency.

The girl was enjoying her solitude. She was ordinarily a talkative, outgoing child, but lately wasn’t really feeling that way. She was perfectly content with the company of the television and the family cat, Nicky.

Nicky was another matter. After an expensive series of treatments for feline leukemia, he was finally in remission. He represented the life before her dad announced (on Christmas day, no less) that he was leaving. Nicky was a reminder of a family unbroken – Dad, Mom, sisters, brother, dog and cat. Perhaps that was too much to expect from a cat, but as the girl sat there with the cat purring in her lap, she felt comforted.

That is, until the cat fell from her lap and onto the floor. He began to pant and become limp. Terrified, she did the first thing that came to her mind. She called Mrs. Jones.

The Jones family lived two doors down. Their youngest daughter was friends with the girl’s older sister. They were a good, Christian family who always seemed to be doing something for someone else. Mrs. Jones was one of the kindest, most sincere people that the girl had ever met in her young life. Even though the neighbors obviously knew what was going on in that house, the girl never felt judged or pitied by Mrs. Jones – only loved.

The girl dialed the Jones house, said something incoherent into the phone through her tears and hung up. Mrs. Jones was there in a matter of minutes. She embraced the young girl and told her it was going to be okay. She then calmly wrapped the cat into a towel, and walked with the girl and the cat the short distance to her driveway.

The girl sobbed quietly on the way to the vet. She knew that Nicky would not be making the return ride home in the car. Alas he did not, but Mrs. Jones was there. And somehow that made the ride home much more bearable.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, that little girl was me. As I sat at the funeral of Mrs. Jones over 30 years later, I reflected upon how on that day and on countless other days for countless other people, her kindess and love reflected the Love of Christ. She really understood about that kind of love. I am so grateful for people in my life like Mrs. Jones.

It has come to my attention that by adding “(in reply to tweets)” in my twitter updates, some of them actually make sense and can be followed by the average reader. I will not do that this week. I feel like being confusing and random. Because that’s how I roll sometimes.

Something kind of cool happened on the twitter yesterday. And by “kind of cool” I mean AWESOME. It also gives credence to my assertion that being a tad pushy isn’t always a bad thing.

I big pink fuzzy heart social media…

RT @FaithWords: @billyCoffey – the tribe has spoken you must plan a BlogTalkRadio chat with us ; ) //The tribe is grateful. Thanks.

@HeatheroftheEO Oh, that’s what you WANT me to say, isn’t it?

@HeatheroftheEO You need to be more specific. Deep dish or hand tossed?

Son: I thought you were in the den but you were in the office. That’s called situational irony/Me: No, that’s called you being wrong.

@JeanneDamoff Thank you. You really can apply many life experiences to an episode of Seinfeld.

@sarahmsalter I knew you were incredibly perceptive, Sarah.

HEY! @BridgetChumbley @VariantVal @sarahmsalter @JeanneDamoff @PuriChristos @PeterPollock ! Did you see my RT?

Everyone’s a comedian…

RT @FaithWords: Which Faithwords author(s) would you like to be chat with on Blogtalkradio? //@BillyCoffey!

@VariantVal Ssshhh! I’m trying to find something.

Hello everyone! Are you paying attention?

Okay…I have to turn off the tweet deck and do some actual work. Sigh. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

@redclaydiaries And that’s all that really matters in the end.

@redclaydiaries Yes. We are hilarious.

RT @marni71: @katdish @redclaydiaries Awww how sweet. How many of us can truly say we’ve found friendship by harsh Biblical conviction?

@forthegirls Okay, well I like CSI too. Except Miami, because David Caruso is annoying.

RT @redclaydiaries: @marni71 Did u see?! @HeatherSunseri LOVES Caillou! WHO’S WITH ME ON ANOTHER INTERVENTION?! // UNFOLLOW!

@sarahmsalter Caillou is the poster child for annoying children everywhere.

@redclaydiaries OMGoogle! You must watch it. “I want people to love me so much it hurts.” – Michael Scott

@sarahmsalter You’ve never seen The Office? I’m not sure we can be friends anymore…

@billycoffey Was it like a crazy, maniacal laugh?

@chrissulli I’m multi-talented.

@chrissulli That’s what I’m here for, Chris.

@chrissulli You’ve obviously never been pregnant.

I’m going to RT @peterpollock’s guest post as soon as he changes “bost” to “post”. Cuz I’m in editor mode right now.

@marni71 I swift head butt if I recall correctly.

@marni71 Trying being fitted for ski boots only to have the guy tell you (in a surfer accent) “Your calves are HUGE!” Nice.

@marni71 Yes. An OCD germophobe. He completes you.

@marni71 Monk is good. He’s a germophobe.

@PuriChristos What do you mean “ewww”? I’m mildly offended.

@Helenatrandom @makeadiff21 @Doallas @BridgetChumbley @billycoffey @HeatherSunseri @br8kthru Thx for the RTs. I’m officially overexposed

@redclaydiaries Right….because I have so many more followers than you do. You broke spades w/your own poop tweet.

I crack myself up. I truly, truly do…

@redclaydiaries Oh man…that’s a TWSS moment if I ever saw one. I’m not touching that one though…(ha! TWSS)

Dear @BridgetChumbley ‘s blog carnival. I have nothing set out for dinner. I blame you.

@Helenatrandom Thanks, but I meant she’s an epic procrastinator.

@marni71 Yes. I think my sister is supposed to set up an etsy account, but she probably hasn’t because, well…she’s like me.

@marni71 Yes. Covered with sticky fingerprints already.

@JeanneDamoff You know what? I don’t but I really need to make a road trip to Dallas. My daughter loves American Girl Store.

@gyoung9751 Hey! Thanks for making me feel all convicted and stuff this morning!

@bryanallain Okay, that’s just gross…

RT @bryanallain: if I had a nickel for every time I’ve eaten guinea pig, I’d have a nickel.

@chrissulli You say “incredibly random” like it’s a bad thing….

@CandySteele I didn’t even know there were more than 15 types of beans. Were there jelly beans?

RT @marni71: A UPS truck just tried to kill me while on the hwy. “What can Brown do for me?” Not swerving into my lane is a good start.

@PuriChristos Awesome Cat, Watermelon Cat, Bus, Stink Eye

As always, Sorry/You’re welcome…

As promised from last week, here’s my updated version of Robert Fulghum’s “All I Really Needed to know I Learned in Kindergarten”, the Seinfeld edition:

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned from kindergarten or watching Seinfeld. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox or on late night reruns on TBS.

These are the things I learned:

From kindergarten:
Share everything.

From Kramer:
“Retail is for suckers.”

From kindergarten:
Play fair.

From Jerry:
“To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.”

From kindergarten:
Don’t hit people.

From Kramer:
“The camp ended a few days early….I punched Micky Mantle in the mouth.”

From kindergarten:
Put things back where you found them.

From Jerry:
“Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. “Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he’s dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he’s a penguin!”

From kindergarten:
Clean up your own mess.

From Frank:
SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!

From kindergarten:
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

From Kramer:
“Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?”

From kindergarten:
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.

From Jerry:
“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

From kindergarten:
Wash your hands before you eat.

From Jerry:
“When somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it. “

From kindergarten:
Flush.

From Elaine:
“No, I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square.”

From kindergarten:
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

From Jerry:
“The black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavour living side by side in harmony. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?”

From kindergarten:
Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

From George:
“Just remember Jerry, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

From kindergarten:
Take a nap every afternoon.

From Jerry:
“Sleep is separate from That, and I don’t see how sleep got all tied up and connected with That.”

From kindergarten:
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

From Jerry:
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

From kindergarten:
Be aware of wonder.

From Elaine:
“I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about.”

From kindergarten:
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

From Newman:
“The mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up. It’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out, but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day!”

From kindergarten:
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup – they all die. So do we.

From Jerry:
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

From kindergarten:
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

From Jerry:
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

What valuable life lesson have you learned from Seinfeld?

ADIOS MUCHACHOS!