Katdish.net

I interrupt this blog post to wish my friend and sister in snark Marni from The Chronicles of Marnia a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Okay, go ahead Billy…


image courtesy of photobucket.com

The C always showed up on my report card for my science classes. I was neither interested nor gifted in that area of study. And those Cs always bothered me. It meant I was neither great nor awful, just right in the meaty part of average. I hated that. I hated science.

But now I’m thinking differently. Science may well be on its way to solving a lot of what’s been bothering me over the years, especially when it comes to the IfI’da Principle.

I’ve suffered with this condition for quite a while.

As near I can tell, it began in the fourth grade and involved the Lorie, the pretty brunette who sat in front of me. My first true crush. Since I was hopelessly inept in all things romantic, my true feelings went unsaid. She was snatched away from me on the playground by another boy in another class. And I remember sitting there with a kickball in my hand thinking, If would have said something first, maybe I’d be holding her hand right now.

There are other instances. There was the time in high school when I struck out with the bases loaded in the state championship baseball game, the first time I’d struck out all year. And also the high school dance when I tripped over a microphone wire and spilled punch on my date. There was my decision not to go to college, too.

Of course I don’t wonder only about the things that went wrong. I wonder of the good things, too—of my decision to start writing, of falling in love once and for all, and of my kids. In each case I’ve caught myself at some point wondering the same thing:

If I would have made a different decision or acted a different way, how would my life have worked out?

Over the years that question has been pared down to the bare essentials. “If I would have” became “If I’d have,” which became “IfI’da.”

As in, What would have happened IfI’da?

By and large our lives are not shaped by the jobs we have or the people we surround ourselves with. They are instead the product of an endless line of the small and large choices that we’ve made every moment of every day from our beginning until this moment. Decisions more than destiny determine our lot in life. I really do believe that. Our genes, our upbringing, and our faith can either prop us up or knock us down, but in the end our lives are still our own. Though I believe God to be utterly unsurprised at where I am and where I’ll be, I like to think I’ve come this way by His guidance and my own choices rather than pulled along by the hand of fate.

If I happen to be wrong with all of that, I’ll gladly say so. But if I’m right, then that means the decisions I make every day are pretty important things. Maybe the biggest things. Even the smallest acts can have lasting consequences, both good and bad. Which leads to a great deal of wondering on my part..

Which is where science comes in.

It’s called The Multiverse Theory of Quantum Physics. Dumbed down so I can understand it, the theory goes something like this: each choice we make in life creates an entirely separate universe in which the opposite choice was made. Which means that everything that can happen has happened somewhere.

I’m wondering about all those other me’s out there. Wondering what they’re doing, who they are. And most importantly, if they’re happier than I am.

In some other universe there is a Billy Coffey who confessed his love to Lorie in the third grade, who did not trip over that microphone wire, and who did not strike out with the bases loaded.

He sounds like a good guy. Like a guy who’s got it together.

But I suppose there is another me somewhere out there who has it much worse than I. A Billy Coffey whose choices were much poorer and resulted in much more regret than my own. I think of him, too.

All of this has brought a much-needed sense of balance to my existence. There may in fact be other me’s out there better and more well-adjusted. But if that’s true, then there are other me’s who are not.

Which may well mean that in all the universes in existence, I occupy the meaty part of average. Neither great nor awful.

I can live with that.

***

To read more from Billy Coffey, visit him at at his website and follow him on the twitter at @billycoffey.

I’ve been in ministry for years now, but I officially became lead pastor of our church way back in December of 2008. It has been thoroughly wonderful so far, and I am so blessed at who and how God has put us together as a church here in Juneau, AK to see His purposes accomplished.

I am amazed though at how much I feel like a politician. I have to motivate people, inspire, encourage, make (only) positive changes, share a vision for the future, and deal with people—some of whom feel I have not lived up to one or all of those things. I live and learn while raising a family and working a full-time job besides the one pastoring our church.

One thing I’m not so good at, and for the most part refuse to do, is BS people. I know, I know—a politician who can’t BS is done before he starts, but I think the church has been filled with it for too long (so has politics, but that’s another post). In fact, a lot of churches are so filled you can barely get in the doors on Sunday (nice visual, huh?).

We have tended toward not dealing with things, faking it ‘til we make it (which never seems to come), concealing disappointments because anything else is a “lack of faith,” and so on.

We’ve settled for pretending Christianity instead of living and experiencing it. You didn’t get the job you wanted? Well, let me regurgitate a bumper sticker I read once that I don’t really believe (because my life proves it) but will hopefully make you feel better. You just heard you have Ovarian Flu? It’s okay, just trust God and He’ll make everything better.

I’m not saying this as condemnation, but I know the temptation is always there. It’s easier to BS than to walk with somebody where you don’t want to go.

Romans 15:15 & 16 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”

That’s not easy. Neither is Jesus’ command to love each other as He loved us. That’s the point, it’s divine and supernatural work. I love that the verse says, “live in harmony.” We’re not all robots spouting the same clichés and going through the same experiences. We flow together to make something new, that’s what harmony is: diverse sounds coming together.

The beginning of Romans 15 gives us the template to live above the BS. We offer our bodies as living sacrifices. It’s in surrender that we can make a difference and truly walk with people. God’s not buying it and we’re not helping anybody, so let’s put the shovel down.

Just the other day, I was tempted to BS. I was writing about a great church event we had that went very well, but didn’t draw all the people I thought it should have. I wanted to gloss that over and put a “spin” on it then I thought, “why do I want to do this?”

The sad answer that has plagued mankind since the beginning was staring me in the face at that moment: pride.

Pride says I need to be recognized, I need to have all the answers, I need a big church to be important, I need 100 comments on my blog post. That’s why we BS and try to make ourselves look better, but better to whom?

We already have God’s heart and attention, what more could you ask for?

What do you think? Are you guilty of piling on the BS or are you working hard to get it out of the church and/or your lives?

***

Behold the power of the sweater vest!

To read more not BS from Jason, check out his blog, Connecting to Impact and follow him on the twitter at @br8kthru.

I’ve been in ministry for years now, but I officially became lead pastor of our church way back in December of 2008. It has been thoroughly wonderful so far, and I am so blessed at who and how God has put us together as a church here in Juneau, AK to see His purposes accomplished.

I am amazed though at how much I feel like a politician. I have to motivate people, inspire, encourage, make (only) positive changes, share a vision for the future, and deal with people—some of whom feel I have not lived up to one or all of those things. I live and learn while raising a family and working a full-time job besides the one pastoring our church.

One thing I’m not so good at, and for the most part refuse to do, is BS people. I know, I know—a politician who can’t BS is done before he starts, but I think the church has been filled with it for too long (so has politics, but that’s another post). In fact, a lot of churches are so filled you can barely get in the doors on Sunday (nice visual, huh?).

We have tended toward not dealing with things, faking it ‘til we make it (which never seems to come), concealing disappointments because anything else is a “lack of faith,” and so on.

We’ve settled for pretending Christianity instead of living and experiencing it. You didn’t get the job you wanted? Well, let me regurgitate a bumper sticker I read once that I don’t really believe (because my life proves it) but will hopefully make you feel better. You just heard you have Ovarian Flu? It’s okay, just trust God and He’ll make everything better.

I’m not saying this as condemnation, but I know the temptation is always there. It’s easier to BS than to walk with somebody where you don’t want to go.

Romans 15:15 & 16 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”

That’s not easy. Neither is Jesus’ command to love each other as He loved us. That’s the point, it’s divine and supernatural work. I love that the verse says, “live in harmony.” We’re not all robots spouting the same clichés and going through the same experiences. We flow together to make something new, that’s what harmony is: diverse sounds coming together.

The beginning of Romans 15 gives us the template to live above the BS. We offer our bodies as living sacrifices. It’s in surrender that we can make a difference and truly walk with people. God’s not buying it and we’re not helping anybody, so let’s put the shovel down.

Just the other day, I was tempted to BS. I was writing about a great church event we had that went very well, but didn’t draw all the people I thought it should have. I wanted to gloss that over and put a “spin” on it then I thought, “why do I want to do this?”

The sad answer that has plagued mankind since the beginning was staring me in the face at that moment: pride.

Pride says I need to be recognized, I need to have all the answers, I need a big church to be important, I need 100 comments on my blog post. That’s why we BS and try to make ourselves look better, but better to whom?

We already have God’s heart and attention, what more could you ask for?

What do you think? Are you guilty of piling on the BS or are you working hard to get it out of the church and/or your lives?

***

Behold the power of the sweater vest!

To read more not BS from Jason, check out his blog, Connecting to Impact and follow him on the twitter at @br8kthru.

Every single week I think to myself, I wasn’t really on the twitter that much this week, wonder if I’ll have enough tweets to do a twitter update. Clearly, I’m delusional…I know you probably think I have a ridiculous number of tweets here, but what you see here represents about 25% of my tweets from the previous week. Which is lawesome (lame + awesome).

Here’s the best of me (or not) on the twitter this week:

@amysorrells Do not tweet in the shower! (in reply to amysorrells @MaryDeMuth Be glad. Be very glad. Showering now.)

AMEN! Those things are VILE! RT @CharlesEllison: Cadbury Creme Eggs = gross.

RT @noveldoctor: I wrote a brilliant novel. Then I woke up. Guess I’ll have to wait for my nap to check sales figures.

@br8kthru Yes. Your comment was quite….educational. (in reply to br8kthru @katdish I finally found my purpose in life- commenting on Katdish’s blog… It’s a red-letter day for sure. 🙂

Once again, the comments on my blog outshine the post. I heart my commenters!

Me Likey! RT @PeterPollock: Best (available) name for my new hosting site I’ve seen so far is katdishhosting.com. …. hmmm

@TwinkleChar It’s really a shame I don’t control the literary world; I enjoy a well placed semicolon.

@gyoung9751 So, Glynn – are you going to be my agent when I write my katdishionary?

@beckfromfrogandtoad Um…ewh.

RT @beckfromfrogandtoad: @katdish A Canadian delicacy. Hand-cut french fries. Covered in cheese curds. And gravy.

@beckfromfrogandtoad Please define “poutine” before my imagination takes over.

“I shop at a computer store called, “Your Crap is Already Obsolete” ~ Jeff Cesario

Early voting today in Texas. Should I vote for a Texas political insider or a Washington political insider for Gov? Decisions, decisions!

RT @badbanana: There’s really no need for a closing ceremony at the Olympics. Just turn the flame off. Everyone will get the idea.

And scantily dressed women give a whole new meaning to the term “Ho-down”.

In honor of the rodeo, it’s Go Texan Day in Houston! Where seemingly mild mannered business executives dress like Howdy Doody

RT @Babybloomr: Bad hair day. Woke up with my bangs inexplicably resembling Hitler’s moustache and I have no idea why.

@Brian_Russell Then don’t. #FF is not the boss of you. (in reply to Brian_Russell I don’t feel like participating in #FF like a sheep.)

@gyoung9751 I’m pretty sure @billycoffey is okay with not being a queen. (in reply to gyoung9751 @katdish But you will always be the queen.)

He said it would never happen. I insisted that it would. Now @billycoffey is about to pass me in followers. Follow him & prove me right!

Which reminds me, I wrote another Katdishionary post. Part 4 of infinity…

I could never write a new blog post again. Just mine my comments section for material.

RT @muchl8r: Said about me at work: “The first rule of Jake Club is, you do not talk about Jake Club” . . .flabbergasted but kinda flattered

@stretchmarkmama We’ve covered Bacon Jesus and a Jesus frying pan. A good day, me thinks.(in reply to stretchmarkmama @katdish Jesus Frying Pan? Man, I gotta join your religion. I have no idea what that is, but Jesus + Grease? How can that not be holy?)

@HeatheroftheEO Well I hope you have that on speed dial. (in reply to HeatheroftheEO 65412369+5278847871874/78848748742274 7752752748477444742774 7211427472727277 (tweet from Miles-age 4) (he says it’s our phone number)

@elysa Oh, well that makes sense! Thank you! (in reply to elysa @katdish google says “or something like that”)

@HeatheroftheEO You’re not helping… (in reply to HeatheroftheEO @katdish Oh Silly Little Timmy)

I need some clarification. What does the text abbrev. OSLT mean?

@amysorrells Well it is now. We make up our own hash tags. We’re rebels like that. (in reply to amysorrells @katdish “RagingADD” is a hashtag? I’m gonna follo . . . . SQUIRREL!!!!)

@SheilaWalsh SpongeBob brings so many people together! And OMGoogle! I just realized I’ve seen you at a conference before! (in reply to SheilaWalsh @katdish We had coffee when he was in Dallas:) We compared iPhone’s and both had SpongeBob Squarepants on them-beautiful man!!)

@amysorrells Just to tell you…that is going to STINK!!! (in reply to amysorrells Goin’ to a shark dissection parent meeting. Gonna dissect a shark with Youngest Son tomorrow. He’s watching Jaws: The Revenge as I type.)

@redclaydiaries Sweet Bacon Jesus dreams! (in reply to redclaydiaries Okay. OKAY. It is 12:30 Friday morning here. I MUST go to sleep. Have fun, US friends!)

@redclaydiaries What sort of place wouldn’t welcome Bacon Jesus? (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish SNORT. I just got that. No, they do not eat bacon. Bacon Jesus would not be welcome here.)

@SheilaWalsh Okay, how did you get a picture with Bono on your profile #notatalljealous

@redclaydiaries Oh, wait….they don’t eat bacon huh?

@redclaydiaries That’s unfortunate, because who doesn’t like a little bacon in their cereal? (in reply to redclaydiaries @katdish Oddly, I have not seen bagels. Lox, yes. But apparently you put it on rolls. The no-mixing-meat-&-milk rule is interesting too.)

@Helenatrandom Oh yeah…because people come to my blog for recipes… (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish Maybe you need to tell her she can share a recipe. She seems more interested in that blog lately. And facebook. 😉

This is how my mind works, people.

I just thought of a great name for a band: Medicinal Porpoises

@Helenatrandom For medicinal purposes, of course. (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish Well, seat belts couldn’t hurt to keep me from falling off of a bar stool. I usually drink my whiskey sitting on a swivel chair…)

@Helenatrandom Seat belts? I dunno. Would that make a difference in your interest? (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish Do the bar stools have seat belts?)

@sarahmsalter I’m just trying to keep it real, Sarah. (in reply to sarahmsalter @katdish Amen! In about 2 hours, that’s what I’ll look like. Only I WON’T be posting the pics!)

@arestlessheart I’m pretty random. (in reply to arestlessheart @katdish that was SO random… what the heck?)

Sometimes beauty isn’t pretty. http://twitpic.com/15b26c

Just got an email from someone who thinks my readers would B interested in cookware & barstools. Yeah…they did some in-depth research .

@coffeewithmarty For the record, I’m not ORIGINALLY from Texas. And there’s only one katdish. (in reply to coffeewithmarty @CandySteele Yes, you are right. Iowaegans need to stick together. The world is a big place 🙂 Full of @katdish Texans.)

@CandySteele Why you gotta be a katdish hater? (in reply to CandySteele @muchl8r Please clarify for the Twitter that you weren’t talking about @katdish)

@buzzbyannies You got that right. (in reply to buzzbyannies @Katdish Better than a dumba$$… Snort!)

@muchl8r Aw, you’re welcome! (in reply to muchl8r Some people… they just make joy. It’s pretty much amazing.)

@buzzbyannies Smart @$$ (in reply to buzzbyannies @Nick_thegeek @Candysteele In that last design I thought I saw the profile of @katdish at the top of the page… Sweird.)

RT @CandySteele: @katdish and for the record, Marty is WAY to polite to you. #justsayin @coffeewithmarty

@BridgetChumbley Exactly. But on the up side, you never have to wonder what I really think.(in reply to @katdish Is “somewhat direct” like saying the Pope is “sorta Catholic?”)

@CandySteele Look, I already told @coffeewithmarty that I was “somewhat direct”. He’s okay with that.

@CandySteele @Nick_theGeek And perhaps a coconut bra.

@CandySteele @Nick_theGeek I think there should be chex mix in the background.

@justanotherdayk @makeadiff21 So my choices are YouTube star or cirque de solis performer? Excuse me, that girl has math homework to do!

My daughter is hula hooping and jump roping at the same time! Surely there’s a future in that.

RT @br8kthru: @marni71 Ah, see- this is what I’m talking about… the sense of satisfaction is overwhelming (TWSS)

I concur RT @Helenatrandom: @katdish Thats more of an “TWHS”, isn’t it. #yeahiwentthere

noveldoctor That’s as delightful as it is horrifying. (in reply to noveldoctor @katdish I’ve always felt a kinship with Eeyore. But my goal is to be Eeyore as re-imagined by Tim Burton. Now that would be cool.)

@marni71 Not much. Been sort of in and out myself. Bring on the TWSS.

@noveldoctor Steve, you are the Eyore of writers. (in reply to noveldoctor @katdish Yeah. Starbucks is my Cheers. And my office. And my social bordello: I purchase a drink in exchange for a barista’s friendship.)

@noveldoctor You spent FIVE HOURS at Starbucks?

@n0spin Okay, it took me like 2 minutes to figure out what NP meant. Where is my low carb monster?

@shrinkingcamel You should wear it as a headband. That should make things interesting. (in reply to shrinkingcamel In board meeting all day today. Choking on the tie…)

Well, yes! As a matter of fact I AM still in my pajamas. Thanks for asking!

@Helenatrandom Sadly, Helen that’s the LAST thing he needs…Hence the name Buddy Love (in reply to Helenatrandom @katdish Are you sure that your dog Buddy doesn’t need Viagra? I’ve been hearing rumors….)

Dear Spam Commenters: Don’t need viagra, meridia, or prescription drugs for my dog. But thanks for asking.

@unmarketing Yay me! (in reply to unmarketing @katdish awesome. i’m doing a parody song on people who correct spelling/grammar in public 🙂 welcome to the video 😉

@unmarketing You and “me”. You’re welcome. (in reply to unmarketing @copyblogger people want to see you and I chatting. i’ve seen the research. But only you and I)

@billycoffey Oh, I’m the life of the freaking party! (in reply to billycoffey @katdish You are no fun at all.)

Walmart was educational. Who knew you could buy food for your ferret? http://twitpic.com/14r2lu

Hey people! Been at the Walmarts…Happy Monday!

@Becks_Beer Oh, well…Then I’ve totally made it! (in reply to Becks_Beer You ain’t made it until you have at least two stalkers. FACT!)

Check it out. Kohls gave me my own parking space! http://twitpic.com/14ms4b

@beckfromfrogandtoad Daughter – he’s MY dog! Why does he like you better? Me: Because I don’t trap him in the laundry basket.

RT @beckfromfrogandtoad: “Nobody love me!” The Baby is currently sobbing. “Nobody will let me be mean to the cat!”

(She says piously…)

@CandySteele @buzzbyannies @janetober @coffeewithmarty @jamieworley @kenworley @weightwhat Don’t you people have church in the morning?

***

And that concludes this week’s update. Sorry/you’re welcome.

It’s time for yet another installment in this never ending flowing fountain of blog fodder known as Katdishionary, where I attempt to explain the origins of made up words found here and other places I frequent around the internets.

In case you missed the first three installments, you may find them here:

The Katdish Dictionary Part One
Katdishionary Part Two
Katdishionary Part Three

And now, on with the katdishionary:

Jesus Frying Pan – (pronounced Geez-sus Fri-ing Pan)

Definition: A frying pan with an image of Jesus on it.

Origin: A Gift to Remember by Candy Steele, from the Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants Blog. (What – you don’t follow that blog? For shame…)

“We have a wedding coming up in the family, which brings us to that endeared tradition of registering for gifts that most people can’t afford to buy for couples they barely know. So in light of the fact that I need to re-register (can’t you do that after 35 years?) and my pots and pans have seen better days (read: my family has eaten all the non-stick coating and are all going to die), I want to be gifted this pan. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the one getting married. It would make the holiest of food. Children would never misbehave at the table if Jesus was embedded in their French Toast now, would they?

And whackin’ somebody up the side of the head with it would seem so fruitful.”

HTITHWAJFP – (Pronounced H-T-I-T-H-W-A-J-F-P)

Definition: Acronym for “Hit them in the head with a Jesus Frying Pan”.

Origin: Wuddup with the Side-Ways Smiley Face? Comments Section

Nick the Geek said: “I amaze my youth when I text or message them and use much more advanced terms than the simple LOL. :oD That said, when I here someone use lolspeak IRL I want to HTITHWAJFP (Hit the in the head with a Jesus Frying Pan). >:o “

Skanktinicity (Pronounced skank-ta-ne-sa-tee)

Origin: Wuddup with the Side-Ways Smiley Face?

Definition: A state of mind brought on by too many Bratz Dolls in the house.

Usage: “So, apparently I’m in a bit of a non-conformity/skanktinicity groove lately. I’ll shake the skanky thing as soon as I get the rest of those Bratz dolls out of my house. BTW – If you don’t want me to send the leftover dolls and feet to our good friend Beth, you should probably take a bullet for her and enter the contest. I think I’ve gotten her pretty worked up about that — mostly because she knows I’ll do it without blinking an eye.”

(See also Skanktacular)

IANL (Pronounced I-A-N-L)

Definition: Acronym for “I am not laughing”.

Origin: Wuddup with the Side-Ways Smiley Face? Comments Section:

Beth said: However, I am not laughing. (IANL) If those dolls show up at my house….Worked up does not begin to describe it. >:-$

Editor’s Note: Beth had recently been the recipient of a “Sox in the Box” laundry sorter from yours truly. I also sent (at no charge to her) a slightly used giant-headed, spinning and singing Dora the Explorer Mermaid Doll. She wasn’t as thrilled as you might imagine she would be…

OSLT (Pronounced O-S-L-T)

Definition: Acronym for “Or something like that”. (Although I had no clue what it meant until alert twitterer @elysa googled it for me yesterday. Thanks @elysa!

Origin: Wuddup with the Side-Ways Smiley Face? Comments Section:

Candy said: You know you have become “one of them” when you SAY “LOL” in conversation. OMG. C’mon, Kat, get with the 80’s! I started using abbreviations back in my PC Jr days. (That would have been BEFORE NtG was born). The reason was so my kids wouldn’t know what I was saying. What goes around, comes around. OSLT.

Helen said: Candy, what does OSLT mean? I am reading it phonetically and I don’t like it one bit! 😉

Katdish said: Helen – I think Candy just called you a slut. I could be wrong…

***

This concludes this edition of the katdishionary. I will most likely revisit the referenced post again, because it is awash in katdishionary terms.

Are you wondering what we all did before the Twitter? No…didn’t think so.

Sorry/you’re welcome!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

You might be asking yourself what business I have writing a post about how to write well. That is a valid question to which I have no satisfactory answer except this: I love the craft of writing and I think I recognize good writing, even great writing when I read it. I also think I have the ability to recognize potentially good writing. So here we are… (If you think those are flimsy qualifications please feel free to stop reading now.)

One of the fringe benefits of being Billy Coffey’s website administrator is that I get to read his stories before everyone else does. Last month, Billy wrote a post called Finding Success about Malcom Gladwell’s book The Outliers. Before his final draft was posted, I recall a rather long email exchange with Billy in which we were on opposite sides of the “Is it fair?” debate.

Billy’s contention was that everyone should get an equal opportunity to be successful; that luck and circumstances should not be factors. I countered with the argument that very few people are simply lucky. Behind every overnight success story you will find talent, time, hard work, determination and sweat equity. He still doesn’t think it’s fair, which is ironic because he is no stranger to any of the qualities it takes to make your own breaks. (He had also never heard of the term “sweat equity”, but I digress…) Many people will read his writing and remark, “God has blessed him with a very special gift.” And while I’ll be the first person to agree, I also know it’s not enough. Billy has done his homework. He pays attention and he possesses the basic tools which are required for good writing. His writer’s tool box is well equipped.

Excerpt from On Writing by Stephen King:
“I am a approaching the heart of this book with two theses, both simple. The first is that good writing consists of mastering the fundamentals (vocabulary, grammar, the elements of style) and then filling the third level of your toolbox with the right instruments. The second is that while it is impossible to make a competent writer out of a bad writer, and while it is equally impossible to make a great writer out of a good one, it is possible, with lots of hard work, dedication, and timely help, to make a good writer out of a merely competent one.”

I believe there are very few great writers, but there are many good and potentially good ones. If you consider yourself to be in the aforementioned group, how well is your toolbox stocked? Do you have a mastery of the essentials? Writing rules, as with many rules, can be broken. But you must know the rules first.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

If you don’t already have the following books in your writer’s toolbox, I would highly recommend them:

The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. and E. B. White
On Writing by Stephen King
Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell

There are a few good books about the craft of writing. (There are also many not-so good books about writing.) I’ll share some of those with you in subsequent posts. In the meantime, I wanted to share another excerpt from Mr. King. (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a big fan.):

You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness or even despair–the sense that you can never completely put on the page what’s in your mind or heart. You can come to the act with your fist clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.

I’m not asking you to come reverently or unquestioningly; I’m not asking you to be politically correct or cast aside your sense of humor (please God you have one). This isn’t a popularity contest, it’s not the moral Olympics, and it’s not church. But it’s writing, damn it, not washing the car or putting on eyeliner. If you can take it seriously, we can do business. If you can’t or won’t, it’s time for you to close the book and do something else.

Wash the car, maybe.

I love the blog carnival. It introduces me to the writing of so many great folks here on the internets that I might have otherwise missed. I suppose this bi-monthly extravaganza has become Bridget Chumbley and Peter Pollock’s bloggy equivalent of Kevin Bacon. That’s how I first came across Jeff Holton…

Jeff Holton is an instructional designer in the San Francisco Bay Area. He works full time, teaches high school Sunday School, lives with his wife and two young children, and still somehow manages to find time to blog at Big Planet. Small World. Once publicly maligned by the religion editor of Newsweek, he still nonetheless spends far too much time identifying other people’s typos. He has never climbed Mt. Everest, and most likely never will. And he’s okay with that.

Jeff sent me a story that he wrote way back on November 30, 1993. An oldie, but a goody!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

A friend of Sigmund Freud once asked the psychoanalytical theorist if his almost constantly present cigar was a phallic symbol that somehow connected with a repressed oral fixation. Siggy responded, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Keep that in mind.

The lake shimmered seductively in the high summer sun.

He sat on the dock with his legs dangling over the side, his toes just dipping into the water below. He wiggled his feet a little, causing tiny ripples to emanate from the center of the disturbance. She sat next to him.

“My feet won’t reach,” she said, as she turned to him with a smile. “My legs are too short.”

He quickly turned to her and exclaimed, “Good!”

“Good?” She looked puzzled. “Why good?”

“Think about it,” he began. “What is this?”

She adopted a tone of voice that was slightly condescending as she stated the obvious. “It’s two people sitting on a dock just off the shore of a lake in the summertime.”

“No, no, no. I don’t mean that. I mean much more generally, what is this?” he asked again.

“Um…it’s a story?” she answered, seeking approval.

“Exactly. And what kind of story?”

“Um…fiction.” She thought for a moment and then added, “You know, you’re really ruining the suspension of disbelief by having the characters admit that they’re not real.”

“Just hang in there for a few minutes. You’ll get the point,” he said.

“How do you know?” she asked.

He responded with a wink, “I asked the author.”

“Anyway, getting back to my question,” she remembered, as the stream of consciousness returned to its origin, “why good?”

“Oh, yeah. Well, in fiction, what does water represent?”

“You’re sick!”

“Just answer the question, for the sake of the readers.”

“Alright,” she took a deep breath, not wanting to say this. “It represents repressed sexuality. It has Freudian overtones.”

“Precisely. So you see, you’re not supposed to be able to touch the water. Women in fiction represent purity and innocence.”

“Oh, and I suppose you’re playing the part of the typical macho male jerk?!”

“Not exactly, I–“

She shot to her feet, stood up, and exclaimed, “Alright Mr. Know- It-All! Let’s see how you respond to this!” Throwing aside all moral symbolism, she dove headfirst into the lake, and as she surfaced, reminded him that she didn’t know how to swim. “It’s freezing in here, and I’m going to drown,” she said calmly, “but realize that if you jump in to save me, the implications will be easily spotted by the educated reader.”

He looked up and down the length of the dock for any sort of life preserver, but there was none to be found. This was going to have to be an unprotected rescue. (Apparently, they often are when they are done in the heat of passion.) Being the archetypical hero, he bravely shook free of all convictions which hindered his necessary and heroic actions, and dove in headfirst in a magnificently graceful arc to save the young lady.

Later, as they lay on their backs on the dock drying off in the slowly sinking summer sun, she said, “I can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe you dove in headfirst and sacrificed all your morality and purity in such a foolish motion. Do you realize that the reader will never again be able to respect you as the protagonist of this story?”

“Honey?” he said, with a tone of voice that showed he was obviously quite annoyed with her.

“Yes, dear?” she said, bracing herself for an argument.

“Sometimes a lake is just a lake.”

***

To read more from Jeff Holton, visit him at Big Planet, Small World and follow him on the twitter at @JeffHolton.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post called Patiently for the blog carnival. I’ll confess I already knew what I was going to write about, I just didn’t know how I would work the topic of “Patience” into it. In case you missed it, it was my first attempt at a short story. The post was about was domestic violence. The story was fictional, but statistically speaking, the scenario I described is all too real. Based upon the number of views that post received, I knew I couldn’t just leave it at one post. I needed to follow up.

So, here we are. The topic this week is “Kindness”. Again, I wondered how to work that theme into my post. Then, like an answer to prayer, this Sunday’s sermon was on that very topic. But more about that later…

Since I have never been the victim of domestic violence, I felt it would be disingenuous to attempt to write about it with any authority. I briefly corresponded via email with a survivor of domestic violence, which was the catalyst for this follow up post.

I also spoke with a friend yesterday. We’ll call her “Barbara”.*

Barbara’s story has a happy ending. After sixteen years of physical and emotional abuse, she finally broke free of the cycle and is now happily married to a great guy.

I wanted to know what the “last straw” was; what finally made her say “Enough”. Her answer was both predictable and chilling. She told me, “I just quit caring. I told him I didn’t give a shit if he beat me anymore. That’s when he started in on our oldest son.” She didn’t leave right away, but that was the beginning of the end to her nightmare. In the end, she did get away, and she is alive to tell about it.

Now, back to the topic at hand: Kindness. The following is an excerpt from Jeff’s sermon on Sunday:

1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us “Love is patient, love is kind”…

UNDERSTAND Kindness

When we use the word “kind” today, we typically compare it with words like “nice” or “compassionate.” Those aren’t bad comparisons, but neither of those words goes far enough to get at the heart of what Paul is saying here.

The Greek word translated “kind” is χρηστεύομαι “chrēsteuomai, (pronounced khrā-styü’-o-mī).

It comes from the root word χρηστός “chrēstos” (pronounced khrā-sto’s)

Chrestos means “fit for use,” or “useful.”

On the most basic level, kindness MEETS NEEDS.

Barbara was fortunate. She had family and friends who were willing to meet her needs. When she finally left, a friend opened her house to Barbara and her three children. It wasn’t convenient and it wasn’t easy. But a true act of kindness seldom is.

If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, I am speaking directly to you. Ultimately, the decision to leave – to choose life – is up to them. Just understand that their abusers have convinced them they are worthless and undeserving of a better life. It is your obligation to prove to them otherwise; to provide a safe haven and your unwavering support to them. It could literally be the difference between life and death.

Meet their needs.

Chrestos.

“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in times of crisis preferred to remain neutral.” ~ Dante

***

This post is part of this week’s One Word Blog Carnival: Kindness, hosted by my friend Bridget Chumbley at One Word at a Time.

*A very special thanks to my friend and sister in Christ, “Barbara”. I am so grateful to know you my friend. You are a beautiful example of kindness and grace in action.

image courtest of photobucket.com

If you were here last Monday, then you’ve already read Part One of this story. If not, check out Holding On.

Here’s Part Two:

“You’re gonna have to write about this, aren’t you?” she asked.

I nodded and said, “I’m afraid so.”

She looked down and toed the concrete. A faint smile crossed her mouth. “Awesome,” she whispered.

And it was awesome. The sort of story that I like to tell, part II of what will hopefully be a trilogy, complete with a “happily ever after” at the end.

Last May I wrote a post about her, her boyfriend, and their impending and involuntary separation. The college year was over and she was heading home to Utah, leaving both her love and her desire here. Her boyfriend lived and worked about three miles from campus.

Neither had ever believed in love at first sight. Not that they were jaded, mind you. Just practical. It takes time to fall in love. Time and effort and more than a little doubt. At least in their experience.

But experience isn’t always the best teacher, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is a power unto itself. It cannot be bottled for study or manipulated for experimentation. It simply washes over you and leaves you breathless.

Which is what happened to them.

The problem with that sort of thing is that it temporarily suspends all rational thought concerning some of the bigger issues. The fact that she was basically a visitor here and he was a permanent resident didn’t cross their minds until a few weeks before the school year ended. Which is when she approached me with this question:

Could their love survive the distance that would be between them?

I answered yes. Of course. Because love is all-powerful. The force that moves both world and man. Love conquers all.

That’s what I said then. And this is what I can say now—I didn’t really believe those words at the time. Not in general of course, but for them specifically. Because as powerful and conquering as love is, it is also an exceedingly fragile thing. Especially when you’re barely out of your teens.

So yes, I had my doubts. But I hid them as any good person should. After all, the general theory still holds—despite it all, love truly can hang on.

When I saw her this afternoon for the first time in four months, she was smiling. A good sign. And I noticed that she still wore her boyfriend’s class ring on her necklace. Another good sign. Yes, she said, they had made it through the summer. In fact, they made it with very little effort.

“So modern technology held you together?” I asked, remembering her prediction that emails and phone calls would never suffice.

“No,” she answered. “I mean yeah, sure. But no, too.”

I wrinkled my brow.

“We wanted to keep in touch,” she said. “I felt like I had to talk to him every day or I’d just go crazy. But honestly? I think if we had to go the whole summer without ever hearing from each other, we’d have been fine. I’d have come back here and we would have been just as much in love as before. Maybe more. Know what I mean?”

Yes. I did.

I knew husbands and wives who were at that moment separated by thousands of miles because one or both were serving our country. I had a friend who because of work was about to spend three months away from his family. And just mere months ago I attended the wedding of two people who had only seen one another four times in three years.

How can this happen? Beats me.

Is it any wonder why we have such a hard time describing and defining love? Faith seems easier—“the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen.” Yes. That’s it exactly. And hope has been defined as faith holding its hand out in the dark. Perfect.

But love? You can’t define love. Love is simply one of those things that must be experienced instead of pondered. It can be expressed but not explained, bent but not broken, and tested but not found wanting.

Which is why it’s the most wonderful thing in the world.

***

To read more from Billy Coffey, visit him at at his website and follow him on the twitter at @billycoffey.

Ever since I heard what Tuesday’s blog carnival topic was going to be, this song has been playing in my mind. It’s one of my favorite worship songs we sing at C3 (my church, for you newbies). I love the chorus: “It’s your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance/Your favor Lord is our desire/ It’s your beauty Lord that makes us stand in silence/And your love, your love/Is better than life.”

Because that’s what made me fall in love with Jesus. Not what I could do, or how I could be a better person in order to get into heaven. There was a period in my life when I almost made it about that — trying to be good enough or holy enough — but not initially, and not anymore. I was then and I am now simply overwhelmed with gratitude for His loving kindness and His sacrifice. Even for a wretch like me. And even though I fall short every single day of living a life worthy of His love, it is that love that motivates me to try a little harder to be the sort of person that reflects who He is.

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let ’em rise

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let ’em rise

It’s Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It’s Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

We can feel
Your mercy falling
You are turnin our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven
Draw us near Lord
Meet us here

It’s Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It’s Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love

It’s Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It’s Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life
Is better than life

Your love

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let ’em rise

***

Have a beautiful Sunday, y’all!