Here but not

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Monday was the first day of spring break. Everyone’s home. We have some minor adventures planned, but no real traveling to speak of. The rest of my family took advantage of the time off ┬áto sleep in Monday morning. I’m not much of a sleeper-inner. I awoke an hour later, but only because my body clock hasn’t adjusted to the time change.

Like most mornings, I made a pot of coffee and after waiting impatiently for it to finish brewing, I poured myself a cup and enjoyed the silence of my office for a few minutes. No television, no computer. The only sounds came from a cat demanding my attention and distant thunder from above. I’ll turn the television on soon enough, the computer, too. But these brief moments are the only time my thoughts don’t overwhelm me. If my day were to have a soundtrack (and many days they do), the background music would be Unashamed Love: “You’re calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place.”

Or so I’d hoped. I didn’t have my quiet time. I wanted to turn on the TV and see what else had unfolded in Japan. I wanted and hoped to hear and see some good news, even though I certainly wasn’t expecting any. I regret missing my quiet time now.

The news wasn’t good, just a continuation of the devastation I’ve been watching for the past several days. I wanted to turn off the TV and…what? What did I want to do? I think what I wanted was to be alone in my sadness. But by this time, I’ve turned on my computer and my kids are awake and wondering what we’re going to do on this rainy day. They understand something bad has happened in the place where their grandmother was born, but it’s not really real to them. I can understand that, and I certainly don’t want to burden them with grown up stuff. I didn’t. Not directly, anyway.

Instead I spent the day here but really not. Trying unsuccessfully to be engaged when my mind was elsewhere. Things I should have done went undone. But tomorrow’s another day. A new opportunity to try and do a little better than the day before. Grateful for grace and hopefully showing more of it than I did today.

Ever had one of those days?

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