Marni and the Skymall

Up until a few months ago, I had two guest posts a week here. One from Billy Coffey and one from a guest blogger. Then again, I also posted seven days a week, which is just nuts. (For me, anyway.) But even though guest posts are no longer a regular feature here, I do enjoy having guest bloggers here, especially the likes of Matt Appling on Friday, and today, the lovely and talented Marni Lamb. Marns is a fellow Texas gal and I love her snarky, sassy, spunkiness. When she tweeted from an airplane about reading the Skymall and thinking of me, I was already thinking guest post.

Here’s my friend Marni and her adventures in Skymall:

I have a running “top ten” list in my head. It’s the top ten things I am most proud to have accomplished in my life. For example: marrying the man of my dreams, having 2 beautiful daughters, finishing my degree…and now, writing a guest post for the great Take me now, Lord, for I have peaked!

But I digress…

Last week found me taking a long, bumpy, but highly scenic, road trip from Dallas, Texas to Seattle, Washington. My husband (hereto referred to as Sainted One– because he drove the ENTIRE trip) and I drove my very pregnant sister, nervous brother-in-law, and their 3 dogs to their new home in Washington. Picture us, pulling up to the finest KOA campground/RV parks in Western America in our rented RV. We were high rolling in our luxe ride.

The other campers were green with envy when we pulled in—for obvious reasons. Yes, it was a sweet ride for a 2100 mile road trip. I liken it to being like dice in Yahtzee cup, because the ride was so smooth.

We saw beautiful mountains, shared funny moments and in general, it was a really neat trip. But thank goodness, we were able to fly home, instead of driving!

The plane was full, we were very tired, and our fellow passengers were all recently disembarked travelers from an Alaskan cruise ship (read: elderly) who were, shall we say, vocal and needy? (Side note: flight attendants do not get paid enough). At any rate, I wasn’t looking forward to the flight. However, I’m generally a positive person, so I plastered on my smile, locked in on my “fake it until you make it” attitude and boarded the plane with Sainted One.

I sat down in 24E (on the wing, because apparently it’s my God-given talent to ALWAYS book a flight where I sit on the wing) and prepared for the return trip home. I sat attentively through the pre-flight instructions, turned off my iPad and phone and waited patiently until I could log back on to the in-flight wireless and mindlessly distract myself on the internet until we landed at DFW.

But then it turned south. The in-flight wireless cost for us was going to be $32.95. Sainted One was already annoyed we paid $25 for our luggage to fly home, so he was not cottoning to paying for wireless. So great, now what was I going to do?

And then…there it was.


I was SO excited! I began reading and could practically hear Katdish snarking along with me as I turned the pages. In a brief moment of free internet, I even tweeted my excitement level. (Yes, I find happiness in the little things. I work in education, so my standards are low).

The first thing I noticed about Skymall is they assume most air travelers have 2 gut-wrenching afflictions: hair loss and too much hair. Oxymoronic, yes, but we all know Skymall is better than us, so don’t question it. I kept showing Sainted One all the products they had for hair re-growth, but he would point to his iPod and close his eyes and ignore me. Likely because the lady that cuts his hair uses the euphemism “high part” when talking to him about his receding hair line. Whatever. One day, he’ll ask me for hair growth help and he’ll be sorry he didn’t pay attention to me earlier.

As for the excessive hair, for you ladies, if you’re tired of that full beard you’ve been trying to ward off since early menopause has hit, might I refer you to page 41 and page 102 of the Summer 2011 issue? You’re welcome.

Another thing frequent air travelers clearly live with, are headaches. And really, why take Excedrin? That’s so old school. Instead, you should try the head relieving wrap. It’s only $49.95!

I think you could accomplish the same thing with a frozen wash rag, but what do I know?

For those of you who feel your headaches deserve more, there’s always the Migraine Magic Plus for $59.99. Think Terminator glasses, with magnets attached.

For the record, Excedrin is $8.99 at Walgreens. But it’s your call.

You know what else frequent air travelers battle? Germs! I’m a bit of a germaphobe myself…to the extent Katdish recommended I watch the TV show, Monk, because “he would complete me”. She was right. He does.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and thought “this silverware might not be clean”. Me too. And then I leave. But for those of you who don’t let that sort of thing get between you and your meal, there’s the Nano UV Disinfectant for only $99.99!

Scan this bad boy over your dirty eating utensils and voila’, 99.9% germ free! What a bargain.

Of course, sometimes the germs aren’t on your eating utensils. Sometimes it’s more sinister. Sometimes, the germs are in your running shoes! Fear not. For $99.99, you can eliminate those foot-odor germs with the shUVee Deodorizer.

Foot spray is for suckers. This is what you really need.

For those of you who have, what I like to call, “more money than sense”, this is how you can deodorize your shoes –the Nano-Silver Sanitizer.

And for only $299.99! It’s like they’re practically giving it away at that price.

Maybe you have real problems…not like those who battle germs (that apparently cause headaches and hair loss). Maybe your problems include to having packable wine glasses. I have literally lost count of how many romantic picnics Sainted One and I have gone on, only to have them ruined because I didn’t have packable wine glasses.

“Life’s too short to drink fine wine from paper cups” according to Skymall. I could not agree more. I’m busting out the brie, escargot and a nice ’79 Merlot and throwing myself a proper picnic. God bless you Skymall!

Well folks, this has been fun. But this laundry that piled up while I was on vacation, isn’t going to wash, dry and fold itself, so I guess I’ll have to put down my catalog now and get back to work. If any of you hear of a gadget capable of doing my laundry for me, give me a shout. In the meantime, I’m going to suggest that for a future issue of Skymall and see what they come up with.


To catch up with Marni’s comings and goings, visit her blog The Chronicles of Marnia, which she updates about 3 times a year (Snort), and follow her on the twitter at @marni71.

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