I’ll give you a few minutes to get that song out of your head…

And if the Neil Diamond reference was completely lost on you, you’re probably too young to relate to me and I’m not sure we can be friends.

For those of you who used to read this blog back when people actually read blogs and not just snippets of information via social media, Hello again. For those of you who didn’t even know I had a blog, Hello. (See what I did there?)

2014 was a mostly silent year for me on the writing front. There were numerous times when I wanted to rant incessantly about any number of things–trust me, I have an opinion about just about everything. But lately EVERYONE seems to be ranting incessantly about something, and I didn’t want to be just one more cranky voice among the masses.

People were generally more pissy in 2014. The Chinese calendar may have denoted it the Year of the Horse, but let’s be honest. 2014 was the Year of the Grumpy Cat.

image courtesy of grumpycats.com

She was a media sensation, her fame culminating into its predictable conclusion: a truly horrible movie meant to cash in on all the fuss. It wasn’t the cat’s fault, it was her people.

People ruin everything.

But since January 1 is a chance at new beginnings, I am choosing to begin anew; to see the good and share it with you via my little spot on the Internets. Okay, maybe not all good, but I’ll be sharing again in 2015.

As always,

Sorry/You’re welcome.

Happy New Year!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Halloween is a distant memory. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Time to put the Christmas shopping rush into full gear. But don’t fret, I’m here to guide you through the season. Over the next few weeks, I will alert you to some of the best gifts available on the internets, beginning with my first selection, Forever Lazy:

“Forever Lazy has zippered hatches in front and back for great escapes when duty calls…”

"Heh, heh...she said doodie..."

In the interest of full disclosure and giving credit where credit is due, I must share with you that this suggestion came to me from long time friend and sister-in-snark, Sarah via a series of text messages:

So there you have it. Perfect Christmas gift Number One: A bedazzled Bingo Forever Lazy.

For your shopping convenience, I have provided links to both sites:

Click on image to visit the Forever Lazy website

+

Click on image to visit the Bedazzler website

= win/win!

And just in case you don’t want to take my word that the Forever Lazy is a perfect Christmas gift, I’ll have you know that this garment has garnered a fairly high profile celebrity endorsement:

"We love the Forever Lazy" - Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La-La & Po

Check back next week, when I’ll be sharing MORE internet finds with you.

Happy Shopping and as always, Sorry/you’re welcome!

In Words with friends: An Idiot’s Guide Parts One, Two and Three, I have thus far written what is arguably the most educational and compelling series about Words with Friends on the interwebs. (Feel free to argue with me on that point. I have a tween and a teenager. Arguing is their love language, so I’m used to it.)

In the short time I’ve been playing this game, I’ve gone from mostly horrible to slightly less horrible, surprising many of my opponents:

I’ve also reconnected with some good friends who I don’t talk to as much anymore:

Much of my education has been learning new words. Words that shouldn’t be words in my opinion. I also don’t understand why one form of a word is allowable, while its other forms are not. (See “STANK”: acceptable, and “STANKY”: not acceptable; “NOHOW”: acceptable, “NOWAY”: not acceptable.

The inconsistencies and questionable words continue:

"FATBIRD"?

One can only speculate as to the origin of the word.

And, of course, the disgusting medical terms continue to provide Candy Steele with big scores:

But the question still remains. Who decides which words are acceptable and which ones are not? For those of you who have lain awake at night struggling with this conundrum, I think MsDane and I may have stumbled across the answer to this burning question:

Katdish.net: Solving the mysteries of life and the universe, so you don’t have to. Sorry/you’re welcome.

In the first exciting and compelling installment of Words with Friends: An idiot’s guide, I debunked any false presumption that I was a smart or logical person. Clearly, anyone who downloads a game app on their iPhone then stares at it for months hoping to ascertain how to play by sheer will rather than googling “How to play Words with Friends” is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

However…

Over the past two weeks, I have gained priceless knowledge about the inner workings of this game. Knowledge that I will share with you today.

Because that’s me.

I’m a giver.

The following are a few random observations about my journey into the world of Words with Friends (WWF). It is my sincere hope that you will benefit from my learning some things the hard way.

There are certain words used in WWF that I dare say have never been uttered by human lips. No one really knows what they mean, and if you look them up in the dictionary, the definition most likely will say, “word used in Scrabble”. This definition may quite possibly be written in the margin with a red crayon. The Mac Daddy of all of these nonsensical words is:

QI or its plural form QIS

Then there are those words whose root word is allowed, but not their verb form:

"STANK"

But not "STANKY"

There are other words that, if used in a writing assignment, would be circled with a big, red angry pen, but are apparently perfectly acceptable in WWF. Words like “NOHOW”. The use of these words may stir up anger and resentment in your opponent:

These seeds of resentment sometimes spill over into other forms of social media:

And speaking of acceptable and unacceptable words, many of you already know that proper nouns are not allowed. I found this out when my triple word score of “PEZ” was summarily rejected. JUNE is also not acceptable, even though I would argue that “JUNE” is a descriptive of “BUG”. But nobody asked me. You can, however use this word:

"JUN" - yeah, I don't know what it means either.

And finally, in choosing words, you must let your conscious be your guide. There are certain cuss words which are allowed and others that are not. I’ve tried to avoid using any bad words. Unless of course a double or triple word score is involved. (Sidenote: “BADGERASS” is not an acceptable WWF word. Or so I’ve heard.)

If you do choose to use questionable words, my personal recommendation would be only to do so with someone you know, and a quick text to them in the form of an explanation may be in order:

Just to make sure you’ve not offended anyone and everything is COPACETIC.

So what say you, Words with Friends fans? Am I leaving out any crucial information? Care to share some uncommon words with me? Talk to me.

image courtesy of photobucket.com

(Sung to the tune of Infatuation by Rod Stewart)

Late in the evening I need sleep
I can’t write and I can’t think
Put it off all day can’t concentrate
Thinking I’m making a big mistake

Laundry lies in the middle of the floor
Sheets and towels piled as high as the door
Laundry day has come and gone
Blaming it on that Psych marathon

Oh no not again
It hurts so good
I don’t understand
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination

Should have been dressed bout an hour ago
Got a teacher conference and I need to show
I won’t wash my hair that’ll save some time
Cutting it close but I’ll be there by nine

Oh no not again
It hurts so good
I don’t understand
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination

Managing time’s just not my gift
My train of thought is often adrift
I’m jealous of folks who get things done
While I’m goofing off and having fun

Oh no not again
It hurts so good
I don’t understand
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination
Procrastination

“Procrastination is my sin. It brings me naught but sorrow. I know that I should stop it. In fact, I will – tomorrow!” – Gloria Pitzer

I’ve never been a big fan of Peeps candy, but last year I found a fun and calorie-free way of enjoying the sugary marshmallow treats. Enjoy:

What can we learn?

• That we can enjoy Easter candy without having to eat it.
• That I am easily amused.
• That maturity is mostly overrated.
• That Cadbury Creme Eggs are vile and disgusting. (Okay, we didn’t really learn that, but they are…)

(And yeah, that’s me giggling in the background. Sorry/you’re welcome.)

Buddy Love the Dog

Captions welcomed and encouraged.

Or, just enjoy a good laugh at my dog’s expense. I often do.

Dear people who make pants:

Why do the pockets on so many of the jeans and/or capri pants I find have flaps on them? Was there a great outcry by women demanding flaps on their back pockets? Was there an increase in the number of women carrying men’s wallets in their back pockets looking for increased security via a flap and a button? Because I think I can speak for most of the women I know when I say I carry my wallet in my purse.

It’s not that I’m anti-flap per se. It’s more about me being anti-ironing-clothes-that-you-shouldn’t-have-to-iron. How is it that we can put a man on the moon, and yet can’t seem to make a pocket flap that doesn’t do this:

Exhibit A

Exhibit C (notice how flap ear is more pronounced while the pants are being worn)

Please people who make pants, either stop with the flaps or maybe weigh the flap corners down with some fishing weights. I, for one, will be extremely grateful.

And while I have you here, I’d like to address another issue with pants. Actually, I would like to generously offer my unsolicited advice (isn’t that the best kind?) about more specific labeling on low rise jeans. Because let’s face it, they are not equally low rising. There should some type of international visual standard by which an educated consumer might determine how low they should go.

I have put great time and effort in determining three subclasses for the low rise jean category and have also provided detailed artist’s renditions of what would be the proposed internationally recognized symbols for these subcategories.

To establish what “low rise” equates to, the first sketch identifies what is universally accepted as “regular fit” jeans:

regular fit blue jeans

From there, we can move to the first category of low rise–Level One. I think this particular jean can be worn by most women.

Level One low rise jeans

Level Zero is next. I think many unsuspecting women buy this particular type of low rise jeans, but for whatever reason do not have access to a full length mirror, live in areas where wind drafts are uncommon or non-exisistent, and never keep their receipts.

Level Zero low rise jeans

Level Negative One is the final subcategory. I assume women who buy these type of low rise jeans know what they’re buying, but perhaps having a tag on the garment as a visual reminder might deter some from proceeding with the purchase.

Level Negative One low rise jeans

One final suggestion. On the opposite side of all of these proposed hang tags, I would also like to suggest you print the following warning. This would protect both you and the consumer from embarrassment and possible future litigation:

Proposed warning for all low rise jeans

In conclusion, thank you in advance, people who make pants, for your thoughtful consideration in this matter. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours,

katdish

image courtesy of photobucket.com

I probably get an average of about 150 spam comments per day. Some days more, some less. Fortunately, the spam filter catches them all, but I thought it was sort of a shame that these hard working spam bots never get their chance at publication here on my blog.

Why, some of them are downright poetic:

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Superior Knowledges by Independent Geneva Escorts

Are grateful for present superior knowledges
Your website is definitely fine
I am stunned at the data you which you have
Within this blogging site
That proves exactly how you have this target

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I discovered, merely, the material
I undoubtedly checked pretty much everywhere
And just couldn’t search for it

College thinks
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image courtesy of photobucket.com

праститутки модели by HEWTEEDIADIAF

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image courtesy of photobucket.com

Download movies torrent (A haiku by River Darkness)

To watch a movie
Download movies torrent films
Download the movie

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Thanks for Lunch by Tory Burch Handbags

Excellent read
Just passed it on to a colleague
He actually bought me lunch
Because I found it for him (Smile)
So let me rephrase that
Thanks for lunch!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Guide to dating women by Aletlepen

He also praised supporting cast
Guide to dating women
A secretary is an administrative assistant
Dating fender amplifier
Business office administration
Lemon tonic dating service

And in pacing a song,
Beautiful dating people site
Dylan pauses at certain points, so as to
Lemon tonic dating service
Make two syllables occupy time and space
Guide to dating women
That in the basic scheme of things will be
Native American dating sites
Expected to be occupied by four syllables
Guide to dating women

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Stay on Topic by Spectral DC

Can we get back on topic please?
Everything seems to have gotten off the subject.
Some of these comments are unbelievable.

(Okay, that one could actually be a real comment.)

So how about you? Have any interesting spam comments lately?

Winners of the #NoMoreBlogger giveaway will be announced tomorrow!

Ah, yes gentle reader. It is once again time for another installment of the epic and never-ending series of blog fodder known as the katdishionary. For your convenience, I have combined all previous posts in one place. (See the katdishionary tab) If there are other words you have observed me using that have yet to make it into the katdishionary, please feel free to share them in the comments section of that page. And as always, sorry/you’re welcome.

And now, on with the katdishionary:

Awesome Cat – (pronounced: Ah-sum-kat)

Definition: Awesome Cat defies definition. He is awesome. The end.

Origin: My friend Shaun sent me the picture, which he found on Digg. As soon as I saw it, I knew Awesome Cat must be the unofficial mascot of the brain trust that is the Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants.

Badgertastic – (pronounced ba-jer-ta-stik)

Definition: Very definitively and enthusiastically having to do with badgers.

Origin: Sleep Talkin’ Man Blog – a blog that chronicles the nocturnal ramblings of a seemingly mild manned English chap by day who tends to get a tad profane whist sleeping: “My badger’s gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!” (Note: not suitable for all audiences.)

Example: Did you read SCL’s post about proposed VBS games? My favorite was Badger in a Bag. Badgertastic!

Badger in a Bag – (pronounced: ba-jer-in-a-bag)

Definition: A VBS game concept described as follows: “Let’s hide pieces of caramel in a bag and then put a really angry badger in the same bag. To win, you have to successfully grab a piece of candy from the bag without losing a finger.” ~ Jon Acuff

Origin: Stuff Christians Like Post #275 – Playing Red Rover at VBS

Example: To heck with our liability insurance! Let’s bring badger in a bag back to VBS this year!

Faction – (pronounced (fak-shun)

Definition: A memoir written by a relatively unknown and unpublished author with no ties to celebrities (in or out of rehab) which is rewritten as a novel in order to draw a larger audience.

Origin: Very savvy and smart publishers. (And no, I’m not being sarcastic. It’s brilliant marketing.)

Example: Snow Day by Billy Coffey. Available October 11, 2010 at bookstores everywhere. Buy one. Heck, buy 100. They make great stocking stuffers!

HRM – (pronounced: H-R-M)

Definition: Acronym for Helen of Random Musings. HRM is used to differentiate Helen when she interviews herself on her blog.

Origin: “I first thought of interviewing myself when Former Governor Blagojevich was causing a media circus by going on any show that would have him claiming that he shouldn’t be impeached because he hasn’t been convicted of a crime. (And that he is innocent, and Rahm Emmanuel should be subpoenaed to testify on his behalf at his impeachment hearing, blaj blaj blaj (sic)….) His antics were driving me crazy, and it occurred to me that by using a split personality as a literary device, I’d be able to demonstrate to people reading just how crazy. My friends liked the interviews and suggested I do them more often, so I have.” – Helen (aka HRM)

Examples:

Blagojevich Part I

Blagojevich Part II

How I Didn’t Become a Nun

Dancing With the Kumquats (My Supermarket Salsa Post)

About My Fortieth Birthday

My New Year’s Resolutions

Midyear New Year’s Resolution Update

Skunkalicious – (pronounced: skun-ka-li-shous)

Definition: The state of not wanting to leave the house due to an excess period between root touch ups which gives me the appearance of wearing an odoriferous rodent on my head.

Origin: Genetics. Asian DNA which causes premature graying. I started going gray in my late 20’s. Sadly, the math gene was not passed on to me.

Example: Sorry. I can’t meet you for lunch today. I’m feeling a bit skunkalicious.

This concludes this edition of the katdishionary. Always a pleasure to educate the internets.