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The Matrix

(Yes, I know – my photo editing skilz are epic, aren’t they?)

Today is my buddy Steph’s birthday.

Now I could spend a bunch of time explaining to you why I superimposed her picture onto a Matrix movie poster, and wax poetic about voodoo chicken necklace wearing hound dogs and the alternate universes of Texas and Georgia, but some things should just remain a mystery.

Besides, it would take too long.

And I’m feeling sort of lazy.

Which is cool, because this is for Steph.

And she’s probably feeling lazy too.

Trust me. I know these things…

So, in honor of Steph’s birthday, may I offer this celebratory video in her honor:

Okay, so most of you are thoroughly confused. But you can’t honestly tell me you’ve never made that observation while reading my blog in the past. You know you have…

Now would you be a dear and go wish her a happy birthday over at
The Red Clay Diaries? If you like this blog, you’ll be all up in that one. Promise.

Happy Birthday, Steph!


I promise not to make the intro too long here, because your eyeballs will probably pop out of your head before you read all these tweets. But just a few of things:

First, a very heartfelt goodbye to @oneluckypuppy who finally made it to the bridge this week. He was a good dog and fine companion to my friend Candy (@candysteele) and her family.

Second, a very big THANK YOU to my twitter and bloggy friend Leslie (@oliveshoot) for my new fantabulous twitter button. She is an amazingly creative lady. You should visit here site – very kewl.

Third, guess how tweets are listed below. Give up? 100. Guess how many I had total. Give up? Um, yes that would be three hundred and forty-seven. That is lawsome! (lame + awesome = lawsome.)

Without further adieu, the best of me on twitter:

  • @givingupperfect Turn off twitter completely? Shut your mouth!
  • @jerdavcpa Oh Man! How suck would that be?
  • Would someone please tell Vince Antonucci to get a twitter account? He’d be all up in this.
  • @tremendousnews And of course, you could never say anything bad about me. Seeing as though you pink fuzzy heart me and all.
  • @tremendousnews When are you going to roast me? Oh, wait – I need to be famous, & I suppose you would need something bad to say about me.
  • @bryanallain What about when you tuck your shirt into your underwear? That’s pretty classy.
  • @billycoffey “finally saw the light”? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Oh, wait. I get it. Good analogy.
  • Irony: You make fun of internet millionaires only to have them follow you
  • @ofmercy I dunno, Mercury is pretty small right? I’ve slept through worse. Course, that’s when I drank alot…
  • So, what exactly is a “internet millionaire”? Are you only rich online? Sort of like Yoville on Facebook?
  • @buzzbyannies You’re such a hick.
  • Oooo! Look at @billycoffey being a redneck twitter ho! He’s a quick study!
  • @billycoffey Shut up, Billy. I know you missed my sage wisdom and wonderfullness.
  • Which reminds me of a funny misheard song lyric by Elton John: “Hold me closer Tony Danza”
  • @Helenatrandom Thanks for shamelessly promoting my blog in my absence.
  • @PuriChristos No, dang it! Hardly any redneck drunks at all! I guess Wednesday’s not a big day for that. That boat is sa-weet, though.
  • @CandySteele Oh, man! The bag phone? Didn’t they use that in ancient Greece?
  • @PeterPollock, @tremendousnews Ahhh….the brick phone. I remember it well!
  • @PeterPollock Hey, guess what I bought at the Walmarts? Hot dogs.
  • @marni71 Oh, yes. And let’s not forget the fantastic jean shorts cut offs cut with a deer knife! Fabulous!
  • Cool game: If you have a blogger account, click on “next blog” and leave a completely random comment on your neighbor’s blog
  • Go ahead, ask me anything. I might even tell you the truth
  • @godhasablog Oh, and I gave you credit twice, cuz I’m reverent like that…
  • @godhasablog @godhasablog @Helenatrandom I always give credit to Helen. She one of my favorite people in the world!
  • @shrinkingcamel Who said anything about CEO’s being human?
  • LET THE HEAVENS AND EARTH DECLARE! @godhasablog has announced the winner: AWESOME CAT!
  • godhasablog Would you please tell @becks_beer to put his face back on his avatar? He won’t listen to me!
  • @redclaydiaries Yes. I am shameless. What’s your point?
  • Hey everyone! Send @godhasablog and vote for Awesome Cat. If you don’t, you’re dead to me!
  • This just in: @CHRIS_Daughtry still not following me on twitter. @godhasablog – can you help a sister out?
  • @godhasablog Aw, come on! Can’t you spot me one eternal damnation?
    @BigBags You are so going to hell.
  • @redclaydiaries I don’t want to go against the will of @godhasablog, but Steph – It’s AWESOME CAT!
  • @godhasablog Oh, wait! I change my vote to Awesome Cat, like @helenatrandom!
  • @redclaydiaries Oh shut up! @godhasablog said superb creation, not “what the hell was I thinking?”
  • @godhasablog the platypus.
  • @davidgs Well, good to know. I was worried that you were in an unfortunate hunting accident with Dick Cheny.
  • @chrissulli You report to me? That’s just disturbing on so many levels.
  • Thanks for all the new follows today, even though I have no idea why any of you people follow me…
  • @davidgs Hey!! Where ya been?
  • @authorjjhebert I’m a nasty pimp. @billycoffey is my star writing ho, but I’m trying to get a few others in the stable.
  • @redclaydiaries Okay, I’ve been away. Did someone poop in the pool?
  • @mabeswife Oh, who said anything about a decent post? I just have to write a little. I have guest bloggers do the heavy lifiting.
  • @chrissulli Oh, okay…And I’m the one who’s supposed to lay off of @loswhit ?
  • @OneLuckyPuppy Love you! Run and play!
  • @muchl8r I’m bloody excellent. Thanks for asking.
  • @buzzbyannies Don’t be showing your skinny butt crack at me! ( )
  • @buzzbyannies I don’t know what that’s like, but I know what it’s like to pretend to be independently wealthy. It’s da bomb!
  • @loswhit Not that I’ve ever done this myself, but I’ve heard Gold Schlagger works wonders on the pipes. (AHEM!)
  • @Becks_Beer If the bottle is winning, there are some sad, sad people out there! Come on face! (that’s what she said)
  • @glennhilton I actually carry a foam middle finger. Much more celebratory.
  • @itsajohnson Thanks. Now I can sleep tonight. Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. But thanks.
  • Dang it! @CHRIS_Daughtry still not following me! He must not know who I am…
  • Did the Lakers win? Is basketball over with? I have no clue.
  • @Bunnieblog Facebook is annoying, no?
  • @xjkradicoolx I’m considering getting twitter on my blackberry, but then I would never speak to anyone in the real world.
  • I freaking love Twitter!
  • @LevelTen_Colin Of course, moonshine is also a good choice, but you gotta know people.
  • @LevelTen_Colin I think a good box wine goes well with BBQ.
  • @redclaydiaries Look, Steph, I don’t need to hearing about your sexual exploits on the twitter. That’s why I blocked Nasty Brittney!
  • @redclaydiaries GETCHERFREAKON!
  • @redclaydiaries would he like me to send him a “best of the ho” update?
  • @redclaydiaries Yeah. Quite an honor, huh? And yet your husband still refuses to follow me on Twitter!
  • @PeterPollock Dude, you’ve been reading my blog way too much!
  • You know what? I’m gonna copy @billycoffey and have an open question post. Of course, I reserve the right to lie.
  • @CandySteele Shut up. It could happen. I voted for him and boycotted the show after he was voted off.
  • Annndddd….still waiting.
  • Anxiously awaiting follow by @CHRIS_Daughtry…….
  • @CHRIS_Daughtry I notice you are only following 24 people. You should follow me, make it an even 25.
  • @PuriChristos Clearly. Also? I use the word “that” alot.
  • With twitter being down for maint the other night, I thought I wouldn’t have any material for Friday. Cleary, I was wrong.
  • It’s a good thing you people can’t see my DM’s. You might be shocked and appauled. What’s that? You already are?
  • @redclaydiaries What about a headcheese sandwich. (oops, just threw up in my mouth)
  • @redclaydiaries Yes. A ham sandwich. Also? More cookie dough.
  • @redclaydiaries Do you know what’s good with cookie dough?
  • @redclaydiaries Thanks for sharing your conversation with Charlie and 3,000 of your closest friends
  • @PeterPollock Congrats on being my first commenter. Apparently that’s kind of a big deal. Why? No clue.
  • I am tragically lazy, but I do love Jesus:
  • I am only slightly offended that “Annie K boobs” was a close second to “Katdish” in my keyword searches.
  • @ALauderdale Hint – In your radio interview, do not say “LOL”.
  • @jamieworley Whew! I gotta check Google Analytics more often! That was funny!
  • Okay, one more. I got some blog fodder right here: butt crack basketball game! AWESOME!
  • Wait…there’s more: look there goes a chicken, how much do plates forks and spoons cost at walmart?, Annie K boobs
  • Keyword searches that lead people to my blog: boob smileys, furry guitars, rock the grannie panties, that is one bad buffet.
  • @chrissulli Dude! You’re at Yankee Stadium? @billycoffey would be so jealous! Don’t forget my autograph!
  • @glennhilton I’ll follow just about anyone. I have incredibly low standards.
  • @weightwhat All you need is a lighter and some Aquanet
  • @muchl8r Keep digging that hole, Jake!
  • Oh for the love of Gumby! Is a uterus required in order to put leftovers into tupperware instead of directly in the fridge?
  • @weightwhat No. Facebook is dead to me. I’m doing bloggy bidness.
  • @CandySteele “Look, if you don’t give me a quarter for this, I’m giving it to charity. Now get out of my face!”
  • @CandySteele Here’s what I hate about garage sales – You mark something 25 cents, they want to give you a dime. (cont.)
  • @weightwhat You are TWITTER HO FIRE this morning!
  • I’m shameless, I know.
  • Hey, read my blog!:
  • @weightwhat Yes. A duct taped crown adorned with sarcasm. Me likey.
  • @bryanallain Also, do you know what’s good with cheezits? A ham sandwich.
  • @weightwhat we have that magical twitter ho telepathy going on.
  • @pwilson I hear they’re having a special on roof monkeys. Might want to look into that
  • @mabeswife Shut up about the housework and the pancake making! I just told my son to eat a cookie for breakfast!
  • @xjkradicoolx I know, sometimes it sucks being me. Oh, who am I kidding? It rocks being me!