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Diary of a Mad, Black Weiner Dog (Repost)

A Dramatic Reading (think David Caruso in “Jade”)

Saturday, December 6 (at least I think it’s Saturday…I have no concept of time)

The people have left me again. I thought I had adequately expressed my desire that they not leave again the last time they came back from a prolonged departure. When they returned, I showered them with appreciation and pee. I licked their faces incessantly like they were giant, leftover bones from a spiral sliced ham left carelessly in the trash can. I must have gotten the less intelligent people. Oh yes — they have left me again.

I do not like this bathroom. The floor is hard and cold and the woman has removed the delightful snack bucket usually sitting next to the giant, porcelain water bowl. No — I do not like this bathroom.

I should have known this day would not be a good one. The man was not here last night and the evil little one who squeezes me and attempts to make me walk on two legs crawled into bed with the woman. I allowed her a small space on the man’s side of the bed, but only because I was attempting to sleep a bit longer before I was expelled from my warm, cozy cocoon and forced to poop and pee in the cold, wet grass behind the house.

To add insult to injury, the small evil one and the medium sized one with the white strings hanging out of his ears constantly did not wake up and complain about their breakfast and argue with each other as they do on most mornings. Alas, it must be the weekend. And since the woman got in the shower instead of sitting down to make clicking sounds on the grey box with the white face, I knew that I would be in this bathroom for a long time.

I will protest their leaving as I normally do. I will refuse to eat from the orange bowl. For now, I will chew on the side of my bed for several minutes before taking a nap.

(Dog awakes from nap: time elapsed, unknown; they have no concept of time.)

What is this? It is long past the time when I need to pee and poop again! Where are those people? Now I am angry! How can I show them my disdain? (Sees heavy terrycloth bathrobe hanging from a hook on the bathroom door.) I will show them not to keep me locked up in this little dungeon! (Begins tearing apart bathrobe.) That will make them open this door! Where are those stupid people?

(Sound of the garage door opening.) Well, finally! Let me begin barking incessantly. Here they come; here they come. Hello…huh? Why is the dark haired man who talks a lot and plays the guitar here instead of my people? Oh, never mind. I like him anyway. I will lightly sprinkle his leg with pee as is my customary greeting. Oh, thank you, thank you! Let me wiggle as much as possible while you attempt to put a leash on me! Hurry up now before I embarrass myself. (Dog and man race out of house, take a walk and take care of business. Returns to house.)

So, will you be staying until my people come back? Where is the rest of your pack? Your little one is not nearly as evil as my people’s little one. Your welcome. Whoa, why are we going back towards the bathroom? Don’t you need to use the Internet connection or something? How about a quick game of Wii? Oh, come ON! (Man puts dog back in bathroom.)

Now I am very angry, but talky guy took away my giant red chew toy. Curses! Where is that cat? Perhaps I can entice him to stick his arm under the door so I can bite him. (Dog begins to whimper.) No? Bummer… I hate that cat.

(Dog chews on bed until its outer rim is completely soaked in dog slobber.)

Okay. I give up. I’m just going to sleep. Perhaps I’ll dream of ways to avenge this false imprisonment. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

(Sound of garage door. Dog awakens to find it is completely dark outside.)

Well IT’S ABOUT TIME!!! I suppose I will forgive them again just this once. I AM actually very happy they are home (even the evil little one). Here I am! Here I am! Come let me out!

Note to self: For the next several days, take an inordinate amount of time to “do you business” outside, especially when the people seem to be in a hurry. Also, pee on one of the throw pillows in the family room. Of course, this goes without saying, but don’t forget to poop in the dining room. Mwha, ha, ha, ha!

Sincerely yours,

Buddy Love

Editor’s Note: A special thanks to Beth, whose post Ceiling Fan: A Love Letter was the inspiration for this post. Also, thanks to my rude but loveable dog, Buddy.

The ABC’s of Crap in my Purse (Repost)

(Originally posted on 3/12/09 back when I was barely ever on the twitter. What a difference a few months makes!)

Disclaimer: Yes, that is a pricey Fossil purse with paint on it. But in my defense, it was a gift from my sister. She feels sorry for me because I have chosen to live a life devoid of overpriced accessories, so she buys me expensive purses, Pandora bracelets with coordinating overpriced beads to go with, and other fancy stuff for Christmas and birthdays. I had no idea how much that purse costs until I went to get one without paint on it. After pricing them, I decided my purse had character. I bet no one else in town has a chocolate brown Fossil Sutter Crossbody flap bag (don’t think I didn’t have to do a Google image search to figure out what kind of purse it is) with off-white trim paint strategically dabbed on the credit card zipper pouch. Katdish: trendsetter (CHECK!)

I’m really liking Twitter. There. I said it. (How’s that for a segue, huh?) Now, I’ll also say this: my friend Steph at the Red Clay Diaries was right. Yeah, Steph. You guilted me into it, but I’m glad I came around. It’s really opened up a whole new world of Internet peeps for me, and as you all know, I don’t spend nearly enough time on the computer. For example, this chick named
Mandy Thompson started following me. So I go check out her twitter page and her blog. Turns out, she’s just like me, except that she’s an incredibly gifted musician and is cool. She thinks I’m cool, too. But let’s not let that cat out of the bag just yet. She’ll figure out what a dork I am sooner or later.

Anyway, Mandy recently wrote a post dedicated to stuff in her purse. It looked really professional with corresponding letters to the stuff all nicely laid out. There was a purpose for everything she had in there. Contrast that to Steph’s post awhile back about stuff in her purse. Which is waaayyyy closer to what is in my purse. As it should be, as we are the same person, just in the alternate universes of Texas and Georgia. But I digress…

I really liked the way Mandy lettered the items. So, in attempt to copy her (cuz she’s cool), I attempted to do the same with the items in my purse. You would think that someone who actually paints murals and custom artwork as a trade would be able to use the paintbrush function on her computer. And you would be wrong. Painting with a mouse is nothing like painting with a paintbrush. I pretty much suck at it. But still, it took me a long time to designate letters to items from my purse in no particular order, so I’m going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the ABC’s of crap in my purse:

A) Rudy the cat. He is not now, nor has he ever been in my purse.
B) My second Blackberry. I upgraded from my first Blackberry when my dh decided he needed an iPhone. Some people never get a brand new car. I never get a brand new PDA. (Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I dig it.)
C) My business cards, “Ragamuffin Child Interiors” I realize the “child” part is redundant, as the definition of a ragamuffin is “a shabbily dressed child”. But would you hire a painter whose company name is “A shabbily dressed child Interiors”? Me thinks not.
D) Large stack of random receipts. I think it’s important to keep receipts. Why? Because my husband says so.
E) Pens that I can never find, but have obviously always been in there.
F) Giveaway mirror from my old church.
G) Oil blotting sheets. People, I am very shiny! Those paper toilet seat liners are also great for blotting the excess oil from your face, but by using the little blue sheets you will draw way less attention to yourself in the ladies room. (You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.)
H) Orbit gum – I tease Pete Wilson about chewing gum during interviews, but I’m a fairly prolific gum chewer myself. (Don’t tell him I said that.)
I) Eye wetting drops from when I had lasik surgery a year ago. Hey, you never know.
J) Broken pieces from a cheap tic tac toe game that my daughter asked me to hold for her last month.
K) No-slip ponytail holder. I swear by those, especially if you have thick hair.
L) Leftover nail glue and orange stick that I used to apply Lee press-on nails to my ugly man-hands whist attending Catalyst One Day in Alpharetta, GA.
M) Several tubes of lipstick that I almost never wear. Also, one of them is a highlighter.
N) A Speert purse hook. You set the square part down on the edge of a table, and then you can hook your purse on it. Another fancy gift from my sympathetic sister. I’ve used it once: the day she gave it to me at lunch.
O) Bed, Bath & Beyond and Linens n’ Things 20% coupons. You never know when you’ll need to buy someone a Snuggie. (I know LNT is out of business – I threw it away.)
P) A bulletin from a church where we guest-led worship a couple of Sundays ago. (Okay, it was mid-January. Are you beginning to see a trend here?)
Q) Business account checkbook.
R) A bag of gourmet coffee that they were giving out at Catalyst One Day.
S) A bag of airline pretzels.
T) A foil pack of Gas-X. (I know, I know — TMI.)
U) A copy of “Making your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other People’s Blogs” by Wordy McTypesalot. You never know when someone’s going to ask you for your autograph. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but I’m ready!
V) Wallet by “The Sack”. I love that wallet, but I don’t keep any credit cards or ID in there. It’s basically a fancy junk drawer for my purse. I’m pretty sure Waldo’s in there.
W) Credit card zipper pouch where I actually keep my credit cards and ID. Incidentally, I almost never use credit cards. I should take most of those out of there and put them in my wallet.
X) Huh….apparently, there is no “X”. But I’m not redoing that picture! (Man, I hope Angela doesn’t read this. That will drive her nuts! I swear, Angela; I did not do that on purpose this time.)
Y) Tres muchos denaro. (Dang. I’m practically bilingual!)
Z) Correct change for nothing in particular.

I suppose my purse (and the center console in my Jeep) are very much like this:

To my guy readers. Sorry. I hope you didn’t get any girl cooties while reading this post. I’ll try to write a post with some fart humor and/or gratuitous violence to make up for this one.

Wow. That was a really long post about the contents of my purse. I’m actually kind of embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to publish it. (Hit “publish post”.)

From Hair to Eternity – The Summer Skymall Post

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and lest we forget my fabulous guest bloggers and tomorrow’s twitter extravaganza…

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeeeaaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!

I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90

“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00

“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…

Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…

Love it, Hate it – It’s the Friday Twitter Update!

Well here we are again, people! It’s Friday, so it must be time for the long awaited Twitter update. Now, you high brow people can pretend to look down your nose at me, but I happen to know that Friday is one of my biggest traffic days. So, either you enjoy judging me or you enjoy my updates. Either way, I’m cool with that. This is purely for my own enjoyment. As always, backward order, most recent first. As always, I am THAT lazy.

AHEM! The best of me on Twitter:

And by “majestic birds of prey”, I mean buzzards eating what might be my neighbor’s cat.

Working on tomorrow’s post featuring majestic birds of prey.

@docmarkelliott “passive income on twitter”? What about passive-aggressive income? My mom would be all up in that!

Whaa, huh? I have over 300 followers? You people have horribly low standards.

@mabeswife What is Earth 2100? I’m not a geek. I just seem to attract them.

Okay, really leaving now.

Must…..leave…….and finish work!

Could the end times be near? Me thinks, yes.

Katdish featured on High Calling Blogs:

@PuriChristos “Weird” is a relative term, no?

@llbarkat Yes, well. It’ good to have goals. (Or so I’ve been told)

@br8kthru Now, Jason…I couldn’t have a twitter update w/o you in there somewhere!

@shrinkingcamel Oh, thank you Bradley. I’m completely undeserving, but I’ll take it.

@goodwordediting Ooooo! Are you kidding me? I really AM pseudo famous! YAY!

RT @badbanana: To me, the glass is half full. Yes, of doom and despair, but still.

Thinking of a blog post tomorrow. Gonna be short and sweet. I have buzzard pictures.

I know it’s not Friday, but follow this chick. She is stinking hilarious!: @asilannax

RT @asilannax: Verbal irony: it’s a diplomatic way of using the word “sarcastic”

@pwilson Are we having hair issues this morning, Pete?

@blogomomma Er, yeah…Great voice. That too.

@blogomomma and thanks for the heads up on dirty rocker Chris Daughtry! My first celebrity follow. I luv me some Chris Daughtry!

@blogomomma Oh yes. Tres ghettofabulous!

@pwilson Seriously, dude. How do you stay so thin? You’re ALWAYS eating!

@blogomomma You are so ghetto for a white woman.

@Helenatrandom Ewh, ewh, EWH!

@buzzbyannies Don’t hate me because I’m irresponsible and lazy. There’s so much more to hate me for.

Follow my friend @muchl8r. He’s my favorite cranky ho.

What the heck? How did I get so many followers so quickly? I’m sure I’ll cause someone to unfollow. The day is young!

@PeterPollock I did not mention Osteen to bring in more followers, but it did. Let me repeat: NOT A FAN!

And now I really need to get off the twitter (that’s what she said) Goodnight!

Dear New Followers: Thanks for the follow, really. But I think you need to know, I am NOT a fan of Joel Osteen. Not. At. All.

@xjkradicoolx No, I’m not @billycoffey. He’s a real live Virginia redneck that happens to be an excellent writer

Okay, goodnight twitter! Gotta get a few hours shut eye so I can enrich all your lives tomorrow!

Okay, swear – last time I shamelessly self promote myself (until tomorrow)

@CandySteele No! Twitter stole your twitter button! Farging Bastitches!

@ofmercy It’s not ironic. I happen to have been awarded an honorary man card. Therefore, I can go there.

@chrissulli Ooooo! “To Katdish – you complete me. Love, Dr. Keller” (or something like that.)

So, you think you’re a man, huh? Check THIS out:

@Helenatrandom I’m here, but only long enough to shamelessly self promote my blog. Then I gotta go to Target.

@Brian_Russell You should get that cookbook 101 Ways to Wok a Dog.

@CandySteele No. Stupid, stupid twitter buttons!

@muchl8r Well eat something already!

@chrissulli I know, right? You’re working on that autograph from Dr. Keller for me aren’t you?

@br8kthru as if your dork card was ever in question, Jason!

RT @tremendousnews: Don’t worry. I’ll never unfollow you. Not because I find your tweets valuable, more because of devastating laziness

@jewdacris4 Please clarify. You hate Mondays, or you hate all of us, or both?

RT @muchl8r: For the record, i am NOT the rain cloud that makes mean little animals. Get off it!
RT @jasonboyett: if at first you don’t succeed, maybe you shouldn’t be a tattoo artist.

@allofcraigslist I stand corrected.

@pwilson – for the record, that post was written by @billycoffey, not me. Although I am freakishly strong for a girl.

Go buy this book:

@redclaydiaries I am simply attempting to enrich lives thru the power of social media. Also, I’m a twitter ho

@CandySteele @redclaydiaries I’ve got more half written posts than you’ve had hot meals.

@bryanallain I hope you include teenagers mauled by bears. One of my personal faves.

RT @TimMoore: Reminder – Twitter isn’t Craigslist. 🙂 (Um, yeah – exactly)

@redclaydiaries I’m not manic. I just have my low carb monster groove on!

@CandySteele @redclaydiaries You’re both slackers, and good morning Steph!

@weightwhat because you’re a twitter ho. Good morning ho!

@tremendousnews Based upon the number of new followers, your dinner has been upgraded to Hobbit Cafe from Whataburger.

Alright. Gotta go do some mindless painting. Another day another…oh I forget how much I’m charging for this job.

@tremendousnews and for whatever it’s worth, I mostly only RT your tweets. Consider yourself special.

@tremendousnews thanks. I big red monkey butt heart you!

RT @tremendousnews: Follow @katdish. She RTs pretty much anything. How much you wanna bet she’ll RT this as well?

@pwilson If the cops break up your golf game, you might be a redneck.

@candysteele, @helenatrandom, @redclaydiaries, @weightwhat, et. al. – What’s up? I am trying to stay off the twitter – need intervention

Going to the mall. Not looking forward to it. Friday night = mall gangstas

So I’m getting all the friend requests on facebook from people that think I’m really nice. Time to wrap that account up.

@JC_the_saviour Also, I would never make fun of you. This was a Jesus Cheeto. Very different. Have you seen the Jesus frying pan?

@JC_the_saviour Whoa. You’re a little shorter than what I had imagined.

@PuriChristos Spellbinding, no?

Are you writing this stuff down people?

So, I bought some Jalapeno Flavored Cheetos today. Question: If I found a Jesus Cheeto, would I pronounce it “Hay-Zoose”? Curious…

Have you seen the Jesus Cheeto?:

@oliveshoot Just pretend you’re famous. You know, be really rude to waitstaff and be drunk in public. Trust me, you’re golden!

@oliveshoot Well, since I am following you and you are following me, we are both SUPER COOL.

Off to carpool! Katdish – blogger, mother, wife and ROCKSTAR!

@br8kthru See, I have to try really hard not to think funny things, even in the most inappropriate circumstances. That’s how I roll.

@peaseplan Dude – “flippy floppies”? Unfollow!

Bonus Round Responses from some of my favorite Twitter Buddies:

@marni71: @katdish I wake each day and say that to the mirror…it does suck to not be you

@purichristos: @katdish So they give me my account back and you just go on about Jesus Cheeto?

@weightwhat: @katdish – What twitter buttons? I feel my twitter ho senses tingling…

@CandySteele: @katdish can’t you just autopromote since you do it a dozen times a day? twss

@redclaydiaries: @katdish Katdish is a twitter ho. -Stephanie Wetzel

@helenatrandom: @br8kthru katdish wants us to tweet funny stuff to include in her twitter post tomorrow. I am nothing if not delightfully helpful. And odd.

@br8kthru: @katdish how about a slight chuckle? Would that count?

@peterpollock: @katdish @redclaydiaries The shiny vampire thing sounds much more marketable 🙂

@shrinkingcamel: @katdish Course we missed you. Life on Tweet is not the same.

@billycoffey: @katdish Oh, wait. Deadliest Catch marathon. There goes the rest of my day…

@muchl8r: @katdish I’m not sure how the crap you do it. I’m still at like. . .30 or something?

I have a bunch more twitter buddies, but this is getting seriously, epically long. So I’ll catch up with those guys nex time!

And stop following me all you prosperity gospel types. I find you incredibly annoying. (In love, of course. Always in Christian love.)

Another Top Ten List: Twilight Edition

Hello my friends. It’s been awhile since I posted a top ten list, and since I just finished reading Twilight and watching the movie, I’ve been inspired to share another one with you.

The Top Ten things I may or may not have been inspired to do after reading/watching Twilight:

Number 10:
Delete everything from my flair board on Facebook and heretofore only accept Edward Cullen/Twilight flair.

Number 9:
Throw out my bare minerals loose powder and buy a shade 4 shades lighter than my natural skin color.

Number 8:
Refuse to answer to any name other than Bella or Alice.

Number 7:
Begin to think that my klutzy tendencies are downright adorable.

Number 6:
Wonder how my husband would look with bronze hair.

Number 5:
Start acting like a fourteen year old angst-filled girl.

Number 4:
Have my teeth whitened and sharpened.

Number 3:
Buy a new Twilight calendar and begin marking the days off until the “New Moon” movie premiere with a red Sharpie.

Number 2:
Secretly replace my husband’s moisturizing lotion with glittering after-sun lotion.

Number 1:
Finish this blog post, lock myself in my room and finish reading the second book in the series.

Gotta go now…talk amongst yourselves….

The New Skymall’s Here! The New Skymall’s Here!

Oh yesh! It is the much anticipated (by Mare) Skymall Post – Geeky Blogger Edition! For my new readers (both of you), I have written previous Skymall posts, and may I humbly say, that they rate right up there with my pornographic cheese buttler posts. They are THAT good! You can check them out here:
Blog Fodder: First in a Series! (Tacky Holiday Decor)
Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide (Part 2) (The over-indulgent parent/pet owner)
Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide (Part 3) (Akward Star Wars Geek/the one where I make fun of Jeff and Tamara)
Katdish’s Holiday Gift Guide (Part 4) (Singing and Talking Elvis/Slanket)
Tuesdays with Skymall (Delusions of Grandeur Sports Fan/Germophobe)

I know you’re time is valuable. If you read ONLY one of these, I would go with the Talking and Singing Elvis post. To quote the late Dudley Moore from the movie “Crazy People”, “It won’t just scare you, it will (bad word) you up for life!”

I think this post is fairly amusing, but probably not in the same league as the holiday guides. In my defense, I would just like to say that I wrote those posts during the holiday season, and nothing brings out my passive/aggressive sarcasm “A” game like spending quality time with extended family. Disclaimers aside, may I present Skymall: The Geeky Blogger Edition!:

The Revolutionary Portable Laptop Table:

sky mall portable laptop table

“Our new revolutionary Portable Laptop Table is your key to comfortable computing at home or on the road. Perfect for business travelers, this gem is unique in its ability to properly position your laptop for reclined computing. Use in bed, on a sofa or a reclining chair. Fully adjustable to maximize comfort while in use, the laptop table helps to relieve neck and back pain, and allows for the correct placement of your arms for easy use of your computer. ($119.95)”

How many times do you think the word “revolutionary” is used in the Sky Mall Catalog? If I had a nickel for every time they used that word, I’d probably be able to afford some of that overpriced crap. Although, I must admit, having one of those would be pretty sweet. The only thing lacking is a Big Gulp cup holder on the side and a detachable bedpan. Then it would be slacktacular perfection! Alas, my heart belongs to Dave!

The Tech-Savvy Travel Mug:

sky mall tech savvy travel mug
On the road or at your desk, keep your beverage hot!
“Keep coffee or tea deliciously hot with this tech-savvy travel mug. In the car it plugs into a power port with the included 12 -volt adapter; at a computer it plugs into the USB port. Double-walled, stainless-steel construction, UL-approved heat control, spill-proof lid. A rubber cap seals the input jack for easy washing. Holds 16 oz. Available in Black, Red or Blue. ($19.99)”

Wouldn’t you just be the envy of all the folks in your favorite overpriced coffee shop with your very own tech-savvy travel mug that plugs directly into your laptop? And as an added bonus, they are available in colors to match your favorite official Star Trek officer uniform! (Win-win.)

The Mobile Edge Wi-Fi Signal Locator:

sky mall Mobile Edge Wi-Fi Signal Locator
“The Mobile Edge WiFi Signal Locator (SL) is the smallest and most convenient way to check for hot spots without going through the tedious process of having to first boot-up your notebook and then search for a signal. By attaching the WiFi SL to your key chain or carrying case you will always be immediately aware of the presence of local hot spots! ($29.99)”

This futuristic looking item ALSO looks really cool with your favorite Star Trek officer uniform. (Win-win-win.)

The Laptop Necklace:

sky mall laptop necklace

NEW! This portable desk makes your laptop truly mobile.
“When you have work to do, having no place to sit is no longer a problem. Now you can use your laptop standing or even walking with this portable desk. This clever invention adjusts to allow any size laptop to work on the go for any size person, short or tall. Anti-skid surface. Fits inside most computer bags. Made from 100% recycled plastic. 1 lb. 6 oz. ($39.99)”


Here’s one review from a VERY satisfied customer:

Pros: comfortable, flattering, conversation starter, never miss an important email
Cons: absolutely none

“Since I rarely find myself at home this Laptop Necklace has made my life so much easier. Now I can do all difficult the tasks, like email, paying bills, surfing the web, on the go. With the portable desk I can get work done from anywhere. It is possible to engage in activities such as golf, walking my dog, tanning, and even eating out in restaurants while using this fabulous device. I would highly recommend this to all executive, especially the homeless type.”

Ummm….yeah. (But I’m sure it looks good on you, Nick…)
(NOTE: Coat hanger and tin foil festooned helmet not included.)

The following item has nothing to do with computers or electronics. I just thought it was one of those “segue scooter” type products – sort of cool as long as you don’t have to actually see yourself use it:

The SkyRest Travel Pillow ($29.95)

sky mall travel pillow

Seriously, if you sit next to me on an airplane and pull this thing out of your carry-on luggage, I want you tell you this ahead of time because I don’t think I’ll be able to breath, let alone speak: “I’m sorry. I can’t help myself sometimes. I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing beside you. That thing is ridiculous. Oh, and you’re drooling.)

Hope you liked this post. There’s many more where that came from. The Skymall Catalog: the gift of blog fodder that keeps on giving!

The Quotable Katdish

How much attention do you pay to the sidebar(s) when you read someone’s blog? I will typically check them out the first couple of times I read someone’s blog, then pretty much ignore them. Unless, of course they have a jukebox. Then I immediately find the blasted thing and turn it off. Then I may have to get up and clean the dog piddle off my leg, depending upon what song is playing and how loud I have my speakers up on my computer.

If you are the type to look at the sidebar, you may have noticed a quote by me and a picture of some of my home improvement handiwork. Well, the following post is what inspired that quote. I have included some of the comments from that post, including the comment that inspired that quote:

The New Math:
Well, it’s Saturday and I am hard at work in my soon-to-be uber fantastical studio/escape from the world. I am taking a brief respite from the task at hand to give you a brief peek into the glamorous life of me. (Sure, don’t mention it.)

Here’s a new mathematical equation to ponder:

Impulsive, impatient Katdish

– methodical, practical husband

+high powered reciprocal saw

=Uh, oh…Sorry. My bad
Okee, dokey! Well, I gotta got figure out how I’m going to fix this before my DH gets home. Oh, wait…he reads my blog…DANG! So, how’s your day going?
Editor’s Note: I would like to point out that it was a certain Mike Berlinski that gave us the aforementioned saw. So, technically, this is all his fault. No? Ehhh, it was worth a shot.


Anonymous said…
I guess I should look at the bright side and be greatful that I learned of your handy work via your blog and not a call from the hospital.Curious to learn what your a sculpting. – YLDH

katdish said…

Dearest YLDH, I am shocked and appauled! As you might have expected, I have spent the ENTIRE DAY making homemade cookies from scratch, reading bible stories to the children, and singing non-secular Christmas carols with them as we sipped hot cocoa by the fire. Imagine my dismay when I come to check my computer (for the VERY FIRST TIME today), only to discover that someone has obtained pictures of our home and photo shopped them to make it appear that someone has carelessly taken a reciprocal saw to the windowsills! I suppose this is the darker, seedier side of semi-fame. (I suspect the Berlinskis.)

texasshawn said…

Umm…what did you set out to do? At least your hubby has a sense of humor.

katdish said…

Shawn -The creative spirit cannot be enslaved by the oppressive chains of reason and logical thinking. It’s more about the journey than the destination. (Actually, I got a sweet deal on a cute little bench that I wanted to use as a window seat, so I was trying to cut the ledge off the windowsills. And yes, DH is taking this quite well. But then, we’ve been married for 12 years and this is not my first home improvement project run amok. I honestly don’t think anything would shock him anymore.)

I won’t post all the comments here, but you should check them out on the original post if you have time. They’re all pretty funny. I even chased two of my favorite lurkers out from hiding to make a comment – M. Berlinski and of course, MLDH. (His first and last comment, by the way.)

I am also reposting this because Mother’s Day is coming up soon, and this is my way of reminding all of you guys how really great it is not being married to me. Now go get your wives something really special, whether she’s a mom or not!
I’d really like to have a compound miter saw. But I think we all know that’s never going to happen. Oh well. A girl can dream…

Say it ain’t so Kro! Say it ain’t so!

In my last compelling and riveting shopping post, I DO NOT heart grocery shopping, I introduced you all to the pornographic cheese buttler:

With a heavy heart, this blogger is sad to share with you the news that our beloved friend PCB has been forcibly removed from the local Kroger. What makes this news even more difficult for me to accept is this: I can’t help but feel that I may have had a role in his removal.

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to any of you that this blog is ready by literally TENS of people every single day, and the PCB buzz that post must have created on the Internet forced the hands of Kroger executives. For this, I am deeply sorry. Also, I may need to start shopping exclusively at HEB, because I get the stink eye from the Kroger store manager every time I pull out my blackberry.

I attempted to interview several store employees as to the whereabouts of PCB. Alert meat department employee “Skeeter” (not his real name) made the following comment: “Yeah…(guffaw)…They made us take him down.” When asked the whereabouts of PCB, store management would only give me vague references to wine vendors and store rotations. I smell a cover-up!

Jeeves, a long time friend and confidant of PCB was still too visibly shaken to give an interview, choosing instead to drown his sorrows in a delightfully fruity yet cheap Merlot:

There are unconfirmed reports that Jeeves was later reprimanded for making lewd and suggestive remarks to the night stocker in the feminine hygiene aisle. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for him…

PCB’s replacement, Woodrow Brimley (rumored to be the younger brother of Wilford Brimley of “Cocoon” and “Di-a-bee-tus!” fame) had only this to say: “Cry me a river lady! I’m 3 feet tall, bald, wearing white panty hose, and I’ve got a bolt stuck through my hand! Now leave me alone, I’m trying to pimp some Yellowtail (that’s what she said).”

On a happier note, I was able to purchase a box of the new shiny m&m candies. My opinion? Meh…They taste much like the original peanut m&m’s. The only difference being that there are almonds instead of peanuts and I got the strange sensation that a couple of Polly Pocket shoes were dropped into the vat during the candy coating phase. Weird. Also, we’re out of crackers again.

Goodnight Pornographic Cheese Buttler, where ever you are!

Look ya’ll, I’m pseudo famous!

Peter P. at Rediscovering the Church interviewed me on his blog! I’m pretty sure he’s talking to Francis Chan next week, or was it Charlie Chan? I forget…

Anyhoo, check it out here: Interview with Katdish
Will the accolades never end? (She types as the readers of Hey look a chicken collectively roll their eyes and slowly shake their heads.)

By the way Peter – you could have told me that you were posting this interview today! I might have tidied up around here a bit. Okay, probably not…never mind.

Forks, spoons, license plates and beavers

Happy April Fool’s Day! Today is sort of a mixed bag of nuts, but I suppose that’s not anything particularly new here.

I will begin some pictures I took a few years ago of license plates on vehicles owned by two of my uncles in Virginia. Quirky runs in the family:

I think this started quite by accident MANY years ago when my Uncle Franklin randomly received a plate that was all numbers. Now, both he and my Uncle Stewart get these license plates for themselves and other family members. I’m pretty sure they don’t pay extra; it’s all about “Who ya know.” Texas is my home, but being surrounded by laughing, fun loving Virginia kin folk in my very formative years helped shape who I am. I’ve got a big, goofy smile on my face just thinking about them.
My Uncle Stewart lives in Mechanicsville. I spent many fun days and nights with my dad, mom, sisters, brother, aunts, uncles and cousins at that house. Most notably, I remember catching fireflies in a jar at night. I’ll will likely write about how places you remember from childhood seem somehow smaller and less significant when we return as adults, but Uncle Stewart’s house is exactly as I remember it. This is due in part to the fact that it is EXACTLY THE SAME AS I REMEMBER IT.

It has been in a time warp for the past 35 years, which just brought joy to my heart when I went back there after all this time. I wish I had taken a picture of the wall shelf that had the same astrological sign coffee mugs on them as when I visited as a child (circa 1970-1975). He gave me a whole new appreciation for the term “waste not, want not”. I did manage to snap a picture of what was on the opposite wall, unchanged after 35 years:

I ask you, who needs a new fangeled cordless phone when you have a cord that can reach around the house?

And speaking of Canada…

In honor of my friend Tamara, who was born in the Great White North and because she emailed me the link in the first place (or maybe it was Jeff) — I forget. I was distracted because I was talking to Jeff on the phone about googling pornographic cheese butlers when Tam interrupted to ask, “has Kathy seen the beaver video?” Anyhoo, the following video was shot at the U.S./Canadian border. Enjoy!

Welcome to Canada!

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