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In an attempt at fancy word for telling the truth transparency, I wanted to let you know I have come to the realization that the laundry is piling up again I have been devoting a bit too much time to my computer lately. My husband is busy with work and the kids are really bugging him. My family requires and deserves more of my time. Because of this, I have decided to abstain from my computer completely on Sundays and Wednesday, and only check my gmail before the kids wake up or they’re over at a friend’s house spend brief amounts of time here on Saturdays.

Having said that, I realize I have some new apparent gluttons for punishment readers who have yet to read some of my earlier posts, and because I think they might enjoy some of my earlier various and sundry neuroses musings, I wanted to share this post I originally wrote several months ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present for your perusal: “Ann and Nancy, I don’t think I heart you anymore”:


When I was in junior high, I was Ann Wilson and my friend Laurie was Nancy of the superbly awesome band Heart. We chose each sister because we had long brown hair and long blond hair, respectively. Naturally, we both got perms to completely pull off the look, and Laurie played a mean air guitar. To me, these 2 sisters were the definition of cool. Ann with her amazing vocal range and Nancy with her daft guitar playing skills. Nancy wasn’t just a chick who could play guitar, she was actually a great guitar player. Little Queen, Dreamboat Annie and Dog & Butterfly were, to me, three incredibly amazing albums. Granted, they put out a sizable amount of really crappy music after that, but much can be forgiven when you have that kind of legacy. (Call we all say “Aerosmith” together?) I also got the sense that Ann and Nancy were true and faithful to their art. It was the work that mattered, not the fame or the money. What was “Barracuda” all about anyway? It’s been many years since Heart’s heyday, but great music remains great. From time to time, I still dress up in my saucy wench outfit, put on my “Little Queen” CD and get my angry diva on. That is, until I saw this:

Not only did they sell out to THE MAN, but they allowed my beloved “Barracuda” to be used in an effort to convince soccer moms that driving a minivan was cool. Bono himself could drive one — cool, they are not!

In closing, I would like to add a personal message to Ann and Nancy Wilson (because I’m pretty sure they read my blog):

“Sell me, sell you the porpoise said,
Dive down deep to save my own head
You…I think you got the blues too.”

INDEED! (This is me, slowly shaking my head in disappointment.)

While I am a bit disappointed that Tim Keller has STILL not paid a visit to my humble little blog, I’m sure he’s probably busy and it’s on his to-do list. I am willing to be patient (for now). I thought yesterday’s post went pretty well and no one featured was offended (that I am aware of). Incidentally, I am also waiting for Shepard Smith to comment on my blog, but I digress…

I knew I was going to catch grief from Angela over at Vanities of Vanities for assigning The Little Mermaid to someone else! Yes, Angela, I KNOW that you are now and will forever be the REAL Little Mermaid, and this probably won’t make up for that slight, but I kind of saw it a little differently. As you know, Ariel was a mermaid that longed to be human, whereas her daughter Melody was (much like you) was a girl that longed to be a mermaid. And while I realize that this most likely does not make up for the slight, I simply thought it would make more sense:

First up, Joanna from Joanna Muses. I honestly don’t know much about Joanna except that a) she is a student, b) based upon a couple of her posts that I’ve read she seems pretty wise for someone so young, c) she is from Australia, d) I think Australia is WICKED AWESOME! Obvious comparison Numero Uno: Joanna and Bill the Cat. I think Joanna is cuter than Bill, but you get the general idea.

I know a little more about Christy from Warning: Sleep Talking Zone than I do Joanna, but not much. She’s closer to my age, is a mom like me (but not a slacker mom like me because she’s a homeschooler — not that if you don’t home school you’re a slacker mom, but I happen to fit into that little paradigm quite nicely thankyouverymuch!) Oh, geez! Where was I? Okay, obvious comparison Numero Twono (I know, you’re impressed at my Spanish – You don’t need lessons Angela, I’ll teach you everything I know!)

AHEM, Numero Twono:
Christy and Wonderwoman:

By the way, I have it on good authority that the first picture is an actual un-retouched photo of Christy taken this past Halloween. Color me impressed!

I may or may not post another cartoon blogger installment tomorrow. I’ve got several pictures saved and ready to go, and I have every intention of finishing what I started out to do. But I feel a prosperity gospel rant coming on, and when that happens there’s only two things I can do:

1) Rant incessantly about it on this blog, or

2) Go to Walmart with a black sharpie and do little cosmetic dentistry to the 19 rows of Joel Osteen books.

And since they’ve got me on surveillance video there and they were kind enough to let me off with a warning the last couple of time that happened, I just don’t think the second option is such a good idea.

Believe it not, I actually figured out how to add a column to my blog without destroying everything else! I’m feeling pretty techno-geeky at the moment.

This will be a brief post. As I’m sure you can imagine, the in-depth, painstaking research for my “Match the Blogger with the Cartoon/Fictional Character” post due out Tuesday is fairly intensive!

But because I realize that many of you come here seeking wisdom and discernment when raising children (snort), I wanted to post this brief advisory. I am a firm believer that you should allow you kids to fail. If you bring little Johnny his homework every time he forgets it, he will learn that he never has to be responsible and/or accountable for anyone because someone will always be there to bail him out. Which sometimes can mean literally bailing him out of jail. Having said that, I do think it is important to occasionally check your children’s homework to ensure that they are grasping the concepts being taught in school and that they are not rushing through their work before I-Carly comes on. (I’m speaking in generalities here, of course.) If you review their homework, say, once or twice a week, you will not find a spelling paper three weeks after the fact that has the following spelling errors:

I really must end this post, I hear my daughter calling me. She probably needs help getting her sh*t off…

My buddy Steph at The Red Clay Diaries tagged me to write seven weird things about myself. Seriously, it would be more of a challenge to write seven things that were normal about me, but whatever. So, I thought I’d throw in some things that would you might find surprising about me, because I’m fairly sure you’re down with the fact that I’m pretty weird. Well, here goes:

1) Since some of my blogger friends kept commenting on my blog, thereby distracting me from writing this post (I’m ignoring you Steph, by the way), by the time I was ready to write this, all the clever titles had been taken. So I was originally going to call this blog post “HOT MONKEY SEX“. But then I thought about what kind of traffic a title like that might bring in, and how bitterly disappointed they would be, and thought better of it.

2) This might come as a surprise to some people, but I really like Audrey Hepburn. I am nothing like her, but she was such a class act. Plus, she was a real nutcase in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, and that endeared her to me. Check out these quotes from her: “For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” AND “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” How classy it that? Love that woman. I have a large, framed picture of her in my studio.

3) If you read Pete Wilson’s blog (and the hundreds of comments), you may already know this, but toads and frogs freak me out! When I was a kid, I hated wearing shoes. I loved the feel of the grass on my feet. This resulted in two unfortunate end results. The first being what my sister referred to as “grocery store feet” and the worst was this: I would on occasion step on and squish frogs and toads with my bare feet. I’ll give you a minute to recover from that horrible imagery. Allow me to share with you a comment I made today on Pete’s blog:

Dear Mr. Without Wax,

We love your blog! We read it all the time here at work. But do you think it would be possible to change the name?

Sincerely,

Yours friends at the Yankee Candle Company

Okay, seriously! Happy Birthday! I could lie and say that I’ve been here from the start, but I’ve only been reading since December (and lying is wrong). But I’m glad we blog rolled each other even steven (snort!)

Oh, and get THIS! FROG UPDATE:

I was on the back patio (aka large slab of concrete) with my dog, Buddy Love and when I opened the back door, I heard and felt a big, wet SPLAT! on my forearm. I looked down to discover that there was a slimy, bright green TREE FROG on my arm! So, I did what anyone would have done in that situation, I screamed AAARRRRGGGHHHH! at the top of my lungs, shook it off my arm and ran in the house like a 4 year old girl. And do you want to know the worst part? When I told my husband what I was screaming about, HE ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME! and frankly he was incredibly dispassionate (I don’t even know if that’s a word, but I’m on a roll) about my plight. Sure, he was on a conference call with his boss and some investors, BUT STILL! IT WAS A SLIMY, NASTY FROG AND IT WAS ON MY ARM! Okay. Glad I got that off my chest. I feel much better…Happy Birthday, again!

P.S. – Please feel free to delete any or all of my annoying comments. I can assure you, you wouldn’t be the first megachurch pastor blogger to do so.

4) Wow. I’m only on #4? I better shorten these up a bit. Okay: I enjoy making annoying comments on well known pastor’s blogs. To Pete’s credit, he has been super, abundantly gracious and cool about it. Which, coupled with the fact that most of them never even respond to my comments, really speaks volumes about the guy. (I should probably look deep into my soul and figure out why I do this, but I don’t feel like it.)

5) I am right handed, but not naturally. When I first picked up a pencil, I did so with my left hand. But my older sisters kept moving it to my right hand. The results of this are numerous, but the biggest ones are that I have a permanent callous on my ring finger and a slightly freakish looking fingernail on the same hand. On the up side, I can paint with both hands, throw and catch a ball, bat, play tennis with either arm.

6) This probably stems from the whole left/right hand confusion thing, but to this day, I can’t tell my left from my right without pretending to eat. Actually, when I’m giving directions to someone, I unconsciously tug on my right ear, because my right ear is double-pierced.

7) I am sincerely, absolutely astonished at how fortunate I am. I’m not saying that to sound humble — I really am completely perplexed by it. Consequently, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the following verse: “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.” (Luke 12:48b)

So there’s my list. Any questions?

Oh, yeah…I was going to tag some other people, but I forget who everybody else tagged and I’m too lazy to go back and check. So, if you are reading this blog, feel free to tell me all about your freaky self (with the notable exception of the HOT MONKEY SEX people)and post it here in the comments section, on your blog, or myspace, or twitter, or facebook, or whatever…Peace out.

It’s a rainy, cold (that’s relative I guess – in the 40’s) Tuesday morning. I’m still in my pj’s, drinking my second cup of coffee. The house is quiet. The kids are back in school:

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Oh, I’m just kidding…I’m actually gonna miss the little ankle biters! But it’s time to get back in the swing of things. I’ve got to finish up a job I started before the Christmas break, and I have a project due in two weeks sitting on my work table that needs to be completed. I have a carousel horse that needs painting for a silent auction, and I have to make a giant state of Texas, an oil derrick and a boot for a boy scouts dinner in February. I also need to finish my studio. Lots of stuff to do. But for now, I’m just going to enjoy a few self-indulgent hours of relaxation. Thank you, God. You are so good to me!

P. S. – How bad do you feel for the organist on that video? OUCH!

(Subtitled: Why my laundry still isn’t finished.)

1. With the full understanding that leaving the house today is on the agenda, you decide to wear something a bit more formal than the fuzzy polka dot pajama pants and the bright green “Whose Your Daddy?” t-shirt.
   
2. Attempts to find a pair of clean jeans prove futile. Instead, you hastily decide on a pair of red cotton capris circa 2001 and a peasant type t-shirt the same color as Oscar the Grouch. A gigantic claw hair clip and black flip flops complete the ensemble. Make a mental note that the laundry fairy has ignored numerous requests. Drastic measures must be taken.
   
3. After “errands”, i.e. – getting your kids out of the house before they drive you to drink, you reluctantly return home and begin tackling the huge piles of laundry.
   
4. Lots of random things happen, you manage to wash and dry 2 loads of whites and 2 loads of jeans. Hang up jeans and begin sorting underwear and socks.
   
5. End up with an inordinately high number of mismatched socks. Suspect the dog has found a “special place” for their sock mates.
   
   
6. Decide to put the socks in a basket on top of the dryer. Hate this idea because how are you supposed to remember which socks are in there? You may throw their sockmate right in the same basket, and that ain’t right.
7. Begin to feel bad for the socks. Serenade the socks with the 3 Dog Night Hit, “One”. “One…..is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know. Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one, Ahhhh Ewwww!”
   
   
8. Frustrated that you have no fabulous ideas about how to store the socks until reunited with their drawer mates, your mind begins to wander…
   
9. You notice a metal sign that you bought at Ross on the clearance aisle a couple of months ago. It says “Children are the anchors that hold a mother’s heart.” Which you hate, because it reminds you of that children’s book “The Giving Tree”, which makes you want to leg drop that selfish little kid/man in that book. But, it was 2 bucks, and there’s no law saying you have to keep that dumb saying on there once you own it free and clear, now is there?
   
10. Get the Goo-Off and scraper from your handy dandy tool bag and get to gettin’ on that quote. Oh, yeah. At this point, the wheels are turning in that little ADD mind of yours. You have begun the actual labor portion of the creative process.
    
    
11. While the Goo-Off soaks in a bit, you manage to get the SWSO’s (socks with significant others) and the miscellaneous unmentionables (underwear) safely to their assigned drawers. (HA! Underwear humor.)
    
12. Over the next 2 days, hem and haw over what kind of lettering you want to use on your “sock sign”. Waste an incredible amount of time and energy on this.
    
13. Finally decide on the size and type of lettering. Print out new quote, and put on sign using a stylus and transfer paper. Fill in letters with paint pen. Clear coat.
    
14. Hot glue clothespins to sign.
    
15. Hang sign above dryer, hang sock singles on clothespins.
    
16. Stand back and admire your work. You are pleased, but something is missing.
    
17. More random things happen — New Year’s Eve party, etc.
    
18. Friends come over for dinner. You show them your work. Since they are weird like you, they like the sign very much.
    
19. Moments later, one of your friends gives you an idea that will be the “piece de la resistance” to your sock sign.
    
20. After your friends leave, you immediately begin working on the final piece of your sign. It takes only a few minutes, but you are well pleased.
    
    

    As a matter of fact, you’d go so far as to say that it was…

SOCKTACULAR!

*It’s Friday. I have approximately one (1) ornament on my Christmas tree, and I really don’t have anything to ramble on incessantly about.

But I do have a couple of things to share with you. First off, Stacy from Louisville is guest blogging on SCL today. Funny stuff. Check it out. Her Women’s Ministry Christmas Tea post reminded me (don’t ask me why, that’s just how my brain works) of one of my all time favorite “Designing Women” episodes:

Berniece just cracks me up! My mother-in-law’s name is also Berniece. She’s kind of like that character, only completely different. (Actually, I’m looking forward to my twilight years so I can wear a bedazzled Christmas tree skirt and embarrass my children. — Cuz I NEVER do that now!)

Also, you may have noticed that a have a new blog on my sidebar, “Blogs I’m Diggin’ the Most”. Why, pray tell, did I add a new entry? Because a certain Wax-free mega pastor sent me a personal e-mail asking if I would like to “exchange links” on each other’s blogs. I was understandably impressed. That is, until I clicked on his blog roll and discovered that I would be the 947th person listed on his blog roll. But whatever, like they say on the red carpet at the Oscars, “It’s just an honor to be nominated.” (snort!)

And speaking of mega pastors, If anyone could cajole a certain Tim Keller to comment on my blog, I would be all a-quiver! He’s pretty much a rock star in my book. And I’m sure he would appreciate the fact that I’ve probably violated about 300 copyright infringement laws by quoting from his book so much.

That’s all for now. I gotta go decorate my lonely little Christmas tree. And perhaps I’ll leave some deep, philosophical words of wisdom on your blogs. (Your welcome.)

Well, it’s Saturday and I am hard at work in my soon-to-be uber fantastical studio/escape from the world. I am taking a brief respite from the task at hand to give you a brief peek into the glamorous life of me. (Sure, don’t mention it.)

Here’s a new mathematical equation to ponder:

Okee, dokey! Well, I gotta got figure out how I’m going to fix this before my DH gets home. Oh, wait…he reads my blog…DANG! So, how’s your day going?

Editor’s Note: I would like to point out that it was a certain Mike Berlinski that gave us the aforementioned saw. So, technically, this is all his fault. No? Ehhh, it was worth a shot.

So, I got an email last week from Jon Acuff. Actually, it was a reply to an email that I sent him earlier which, among other things, shamlessly hyperlinked a post I wrote about Sky Mall Catalog. Anyway…his reply was to let me know that he would be linking that post to his post, The hate mail mongoose (Or the pastor’s gift guide). Needless to say, I was pretty excited about the possibility of all those hits on my blog. (Why I would be excited about such self-aggrandizement* is something I should probably pray about.) But regardless, I began to think of ways to write a post that would be more “Jon Acuffish”. But then it occurred to me that the reason I like “Stuff Christians Like” so much is that it’s Jon being Jon. Funny, transparent, often profound, often gooberish Jon. So, for me, trying to write something like an SCL post would be as pathetic as the knock-off grocery store margarines trying to imitate “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” with products like “You’d Think It’s Butter!”, or “Butter, It’s Not!”, or “Tastes Like Butter!”, or, my new personal favorite from my peeps on my mother’s side of the family: “Unbelieveable…This is not butter!” (Note the extra “e” in “unbelieveable” –That just CRACKS ME UP!) Sorry, I’m easliy amused.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the blog post. In the end, I just decided to do what I always do, which is write about whatever I happen to be thinking about at the time, which was, not surprisingly, Sky Mall. It wasn’t my favorite of the series, but I worked all day (painting for a new client) and I was tired and it really takes me a long time to cut and paste all those pictures (waa, waa, waa). I probably should have just left well enough alone — I actually really liked “Diary of a Mad Black Wiener Dog”, the post from the day before. (Which, incidentally I wrote in Google Docs, posted to my blog then immediately saved it as a draft because I wanted to schedule it for the following morning.) I only tell you that as an amusing (or not) aside because my crazy friend Helen managed to post a comment within the nano-second it was up on my blog that was funnier than the original post. But I digress…

I know a whole lot of people all over the world read “Stuff Christians Like”, but I had NO IDEA how many hits that hyperlink would generate! Now, I have enough of a grasp on reality to realize that the vast majority of people either read the post and said, “Eh…”, or saw my half-face profile view and said, “Oh no, not THAT smart *ss!” But for those of you who liked the post enough to be back for more today, I just want to say:

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P. S. – For the record, if you’re wondering which of the Sky Mall posts was my favorite, I’ll tell you. Honestly, I like the first four very much. Like a mother with more than one child I would have to say, “they’re all my favorites for different reasons.” But if I were pressed, I would have to say that the Creepy Elvis post was my favorite for two reasons. The first being that for Sky Mall to promote that product is akin to leaving an ice cream truck unattended at a Weight Watchers convention — way too tempting. They were practically begging me to make fun of it. But the main reason I love that post is because it also featured another product called “The Slanket” and frankly, I LOVE saying that word! Slanket, slanket, SLANKET! (Like I said, I’m easily amused.)

P. P. S. – Angela, if you’re reading this, I’m afraid this post might edge out yours for the most hyperlink codes in a single blog post. And because you were the lone SCL commenter who came to my rescue in my hour of need, you deserve all the credit or the blame — depending on your perspective.

*A big shout out to Tim Keller for introducing me to the word “self-aggrandizement”. Cause I’m pretty sure he reads my blog…(yeeee-ah, right.)

Okay…that’s all I got. Thanks for your time. I know you’ve got other blogs to read! If you’re looking for some really good ones, just check out the ones on my sidebar — I dig ’em the most!