Katdish.net

Okay, so…many of you have already read this post, but since I have a few new readers thanks to the twitter and my fabulous corral of guest bloggers, I thought I would start reposting some of my more ridiculous posts on Saturdays. Let’s face it, traffic is down on the weekend, and I actually have a life beyond the internet. I wrote this post on my way to Georgia to attend a Catalyst One Day and “Off the Blogs” later that night. Here’s me being random:

I typed this on the airplane. There’s more to my day, but it’s late and I gotta get some sleep. I need to have my sarcasm “A” game on tomorrow. So, here ya go:

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

12:50 pm – Sitting in seat 8F on CO airlines flight destined for Atlanta. The captain announces that we will be delayed from taxiing to the runway because something just blew into the eyes of a member of the ground crew and they need to find a replacement. Wut?! (The crew member, not his eyes.) Begin reading “Under the Overpass” by Mike Yankoski. Thanks for the recommendation, Marni!

1:20 pm- The flight that was supposed to take off at 12:45 is now in route to the runway. I am frantically attempting to type birthday wishes to Frank, husband of Beth, who still hasn’t posted a Snuggie video. Mission accomplished. Still waiting on said video. Wuzzup with dat? Feeling rather gangsta at the moment, fo shizzle. (Editor’s Note: Stil waiting on video.)

1:30 pm- Hear the flight attendant shoving that stupid cart up the aisle and smashing a couple of unsuspecting elbows in the process. Grateful to have a window seat with an empty seat between the woman sitting on the aisle seat. I’m not anti-woman sitting one seat over, it’s just nice to have some elbow room. She is a well dressed, attractive woman reading a book (WDAWRAB). Hold on, I’ll try to see what it’s called (gotta be on the lowdown – shhh!) It’s called “I Feel bad about my Neck”. No, I am NOT making that up!

1:40 pm- I order a diet coke and a bag-o-pretzels. The bag contains approximately 5-1/2 pretzels. I couldn’t eat another bite! Meanwhile, WDAWRAB breaks out a deli sandwich chock full of deliciousness. It pays to plan ahead! Well, at least I guess it pays to plan ahead, I wouldn’t know.

1:45 pm- Oh snap! I am not making this up! WDAWRAB just pulled out a giant bag of Skittles! This, I am confident, is a sign from God declaring the awesomeness of the adventure that awaits me! Kewl.

1:50 pm- Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign as we are expected to experience some mild turbulence. I am lamenting the fact that I didn’t pee before I boarded the airplane. My husband told me to leave the house no later than 10:15 am for a 12:45 flight. Shea, right! Turns out he was annoyingly right yet again. Because I left a tad bit later than that (11ish) and by the time I got to the “Tacky Texas Crap Gift Shop” just before Gate C-29 (which is the very last gate at the end of the concourse), the final boarding call was being made and I had to throw my bag-o-tacky into by purse and make a run for it. Obviously, I made it. So there.

2:00 pm- I seriously gotta pee. Proceed with kegal exercises.

2:01 pm- This isn’t happening right now, I just forgot to tell you this: The pilot said earlier that it is 45 degrees in Atlanta. Forty freaking five degrees? It’s 78 in Houston! I did not bring a jacket. Oh well, it’s a good thing sunshine follows me wherever I go. Still have to pee. Now I’m doing the jiggy leg.

2:10 pm – I just asked the flight attendant when we’re supposed to land in Atlanta. She said 3:45. And I’m thinking, “How suck is that?” She must have sensed my alarm, because she informed me that they are an hour ahead of us. Good thing, cuz I really gotta pee. You know, like Forrest Gump after he drank all those Dr. Peppers at the White House?

2:15 pm- I wonder if anyone would pay money to have me write a book where I simply ramble on incessantly with an occasional prosperity gospel rant. That would be awesome. Angela got mad at me because I tagged her on Facebook for “25 Random things about me”. Which is strange, because I could spout off about 325 random things about me right outta the gate. Seriously, turbulence or not. I’m gonna go find the bathroom…

2:20 pm- Okay. I’m back. Could they make the aisles of these airplanes any narrower? I’m not exactly petite, but it’s not like I’m big like Fat Oprah (who I like way better than Thin Oprah). I just touched at least eleven shoulders with my butt. That’s ridiculous. Then, when I get back to my seat, WDAWRAB, who is listening to some time management CD on a portable disc player with some sweet Bose headphones, stands up to let me in and the dang CD player fell on the floor and under another seat. Katdish: Annoying people at 10,000 feet and beyond.

2:25 pm- There is a little yellow triangle with an exclamation point on my computer battery thingy, so I guess that means “Your time is up”. Also, the trash Nazis are coming down the aisle and they look like they mean business. Now the triangle just turned to a red “x”, so I suppose that would indicate that my battery means business as well. Bummer. Oh! We’re descending, and it’s 64 degrees. I don’t need no stinking jacket! Now, go about your business. I won’t be back until I am safely in Alpharetta with my laptop plugged into the wall!

Why yes, I AM very shiny!
Thanks for noticing.

6:00 pm (ish): Meet my new driver friend (whose name I still can’t pronounce) in front of my hotel. Call Steph to get the address for Buckhead Christian Church. Driver enters info into his GPS, which apparently works way better than Google maps, because Google maps sure didn’t help Steph get to Buckhead very well.

6:30 pm: Arrive at Buckhead.

So, I don’t really get Atlanta. Buckhead is not downtown Atlanta, but it sure feels like it should be downtown. I suppose it’s like Houston in a way, in that we have lots of places that have tall buildings. But in Houston, the only place that really “feels” like downtown to me is downtown Houston. But I digress…

I suppose I should have mentioned on my previous post that I spent a fair amount of time at North Point shoving a paper doll in the hands of random people and then asking them to pose for a picture. If you attended Catalyst One Day, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Oh yeah…I remember her now. Boy, was that chick annoying!” Thanks. It’s a gift, really. Anyhoo, when I arrived at Buckhead Church, I continued to take pictures of people posing with Zeke. I also met a couple of people who also have blogs, and it’s cool to put a face with a name, like Ben Arment and Nick Carnes. I was early, and basically sat around waiting for Steph. I also had the opportunity to meet Jon Acuff’s mother-in-law and his wife Jenny (who is stunning, btw). I did not get a chance to meet Jon’s dad, but boy, do they look alike!

It was starting to get crowded, and the band was rehearsing so no one was allowed in yet. Pete Wilson was nice enough to put Steph’s giant booty (bag) between 2 seats in the front row, thereby saving our seats. I enjoy asking popular pastors from large churches to do little errands for me. It’s just one more thing that makes me so very endearing. Not unlike when I asked Brad Lomenick, who is the Executive Director of Catalyst to pose for a picture with Zeke. When he asked me what it was for, I said, “Don’t worry about that, just pose for the picture already!” Yeah. People dig me. Oh, where was I? Oh, yeah. They start letting people in. Steph is no longer lost, but now cannot find a parking space. Which is weird, because they have at LEAST 10 parking spaces designated for an event that has about 150 attendees. Go figure.

Steph finally arrives. We exchange hugs and settle into our seats. Pete Wilson introduces Aaron Keyes and friends, then we are lead in some praise and worship songs. I am lamenting the fact that Aaron Keyes has better hair than me, and wondering if he uses a flat iron or does he just have a really good stylist. He is also a big fan of the book of Psalms, which is cool, cuz me too. He also quotes a scripture about breast feeding and mentions that he has 4 kids and his wife is breastfeeding. Now I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s move on.” At one point during all of this, Steph accuses me of interfering with the Holy Spirit just because I suggested that she randomly shout out, “JESUS!” during this time. She was definitely interfering with my spiritual gift of sarcasm. But I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve forgiven her ungrateful heart. There is barely enough room on the front row to hold Steph, me, and our combined sarcasm.

Pete Wilson gets back up, introduces Ann Jackson, Carlos Whittaker and Jon Acuff, during which time the three of them are awkwardly trying to set up 4 stools on a very small stage. Jon is sitting on the end with his stool butting up to a mic stand. Rather than moving the mic stand off the stage, he settles for sitting VERY CLOSE to Carlos Whittaker. I thought I was the only one who notices this, but clearly, this does not escape Jon’s attention. Which is just one more reason why that guy cracks me up.

Ann, Carlos and Jon proceed to “Go First”. What this means is that they shared some very personal, potentially embarrassing situations that they have struggled with in their lives. (Did I mention that Jon’s parents and in-laws were sitting in the audience?) When they finish speaking, Pete asks them a couple of questions and then opens it up to the audience. So how many people do you think raised their hand? Yes. You are correct. Approximately none. Well, I’m chock full-o-questions, and fear of making a fool of myself has never really been a big deterrent for me in the past. So, after three famous bloggers bare their souls to a crowd of strangers, I ask the following questions to Pete Wilson courtesy of my friend Helen of Random Musings:

What makes a blog comment worthy to you?
How many blogs do you check out per day?
What have I got that Helen hasn’t got?
Why do you never comment on her blog?
Why do you make your wife freeze by keeping the thermostat too low?
Buy her a snuggie already!
If you and Jon Acuff had a fight with fists tied behind your backs, who would win?

After the third question, there was an audible hush in the room, as if to say, “Who in the hail is this person, and why is she asking those stupid questions?” But at that point, I was committed. I’m pretty sure Steph is slouching down in her seat in an attempt to become invisible – which totally didn’t work. Pete very kindly saves the moment by saying, “In the interest of time, I’m only going to answer one of those questions.” He answered the blog comment one, saying that if a comment seems to come from the heart, he often felt compelled to answer it. Of all the people sitting on the stage, Carlos Whittaker is the only one who has absolutely no idea who I am. I’ve never commented on Ann’s blog, but she works for Pete, so she sort of knows who I am. I think his mouth was literally hanging open during that exchange.

After I broke the ice. Well…after I smashed through the ice with a high powered sledgehammer, a couple more folks asked questions. Here’s one that I thought was kinda special: “What goes through your head right before you throw up?” Now, see…for me, that would be, “Gross. I’m about to throw up.” But whatever…

The evening was not what I expected, but it was very cool. I was able to talk briefly with Carlos Whittaker and Jenny Acuff who were both very gracious. I also gave Carlos Whittaker a copy of a CD made when I was at another church and an autographed copy of a little book called “Making Your Mark: How to leave long, annoying comments on other people’s blogs” by Wordy McTypealot personally autographed by yours truly. So, I’m pretty sure I made his month, if not his entire year.

Steph and I walked approximately 42 miles back to where she had parked. We then proceeded back to Alpharetta and back to my luxurious suite at the Comfort Inn where, instead of interfacing over the Internet, we were able to really get to know each other…NOT! We both had our laptops and were commenting on The Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants blog, which is more of a geeky chat room than it is a blog.

Also, I had Cheetos for dinner.

I will now open up the floor for questions. Anyone? Anyone?

Question: When you are really overwhelmed and angry about something, what works best for you?

Answer: Prayer. Okay. Right. That’s the obvious answer. But have you ever been to a point where you find it difficult to pray? You begin a prayer, then your mind just begins to focus on the very thing or things that brought you to your knees in the first place – not on God. What then?

For me, it is time to hop in the car, pop in a CD and get my angry diva on. Usually, I’m all about lyrics when it comes to songs, but some of my favorite angry diva songs don’t have much to do with what they’re singing about. It has more to do with how loudly I can sing along. It is a cleansing experience. Plus, you get some interesting looks at the stop light. Do you have an angry diva song or songs? Here’s one that I belted out in my car approximately 5 times in a row today:

I would love to know which songs work for you. If you know how, I would love it if you would put a link to a Youtube video of the song. And just to tell you, if anyone says “Walking on Sunshine” or “There is Peace in the Valley”, I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends anymore…

Heh, Heh, Heh!

BTW – This blog post is coming to you through the magic of scheduled posting. As many of you are reading this, I am in-route to a day of intense leadership training, apple computers and fauxhawked awesomeness, culminating in an extravaganza of worship, skittles, sarcasm and corn hole. That’s right, peeps. I’m on my way to Hotlanta for the Catalyst One Day and then I’m off to meet up with Steph at the Red Clay Diaries for Off the Blogs. I will have Wednesday evening to prepare for the event. So please feel free to leave incredibly annoying and stupid questions and comments for the speakers of said event. I’m pretty sure that the ones who know me through their blogs love/hate me already, but this should really put me over the top! Woot! Woot!