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Au revoir, Sky Mall: A musical tribute

It’s over…

The Sky Mall has filed for bankruptcy.

sky mall plane

And the immortal words of Pablo Cruise come to mind:

No, I don't know why they're nekkid.

No, I don’t know why they’re nekkid.

“And all your friends
They calling you a fool
Cause you don’t know
A good thing when you’ve
Got it in your hand”

And speaking of musical truths, I felt the only way to convey my heartfelt appreciation to the Sky Mall for the bounty of blog fodder over the years was an homage set to music.

My first instinct was to create a video slideshow set to the haunting “I Will Remember You” as sung by Sarah Mclachlan, but I don’t know how to do that, and I don’t have that kind of time.

sara mclaughlin

So instead, I’m asking you to sing along with the following karaoke track of Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight by The Beatles replacing the more commonly known lyrics with ones I’ve provide for you below. (Work with me, people!)

 

Without further adieu, I give you my musical tribute to Sky Mall. Last (sniff), in a series.

 

You’re welcome…

Golden Sky Mall

Once there was a place,
to shop for Sasquatch,

sky mall big foot

Once there was a place,
to shop for combs

sky mall hairmax laser comb

Weep pretty darlings, go on cry

sky mall celebrity crying 1

There’s no more shopping in the sky…

Siamese slankets filled the skies

sky mall siamese slanket

Creepy Elvis sang and sighed

sky mall singing elvis

Weep pretty darlings, go on cry

sky mall celebrity crying 2

There’s no more mall up in the sky

Once there was a place,
with magic toilets

sky mall magic toilet

Once there was a place,
for endless pools

sky mall endless pool

Weep pretty darlings go on cry

sky mall crying celebrity 3

There’s no more dog beds in the sky

sky mall dog bed

Boy you’re gonna carry that weight,

sky mall sumo table

carry that weight for a long time

sky mall zombie

Boy you’re gonna carry that weight,

sky mall exerciser

carry that weight for a long time

sky mall skeleton gnomes

I never give you my pillow,

sky mall travel pillow

I only send you my invitations

sky mall cover

And in the middle of the celebrations,

sky mall celebration

I break down

sky mall ostritch pillow

Boy you’re gonna carry that weight,

carry that weight for a long time

sky mall neck brace

Boy you’re gonna carry that weight,

carry that weight for a long time…

sky mall luggage scooter

*****

A fond farewell, Sky Mall. Your pages were scanned by millions.

sky mall autographed

Too bad no one ever bought anything from you.

Ever.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Skymall

Way back in December of 2008, I stumbled across what I now consider to be the best source of never-ending blog fodder gold (besides my inclination to rant incessantly): the Sky Mall catalog. Looking back upon four years of sky mall posts, it occurs to me that I’ve spent a great deal of time making fun of all the ridiculously overpriced items available through this inflight magazine, which honestly, is a little unfair. Not everything in the Sky Mall catalog is ridiculously overpriced, some items are just plain ridiculous.

With this in mind, I bring you this year’s edition of katdish’s Sky Mall holiday gift guide (you’re welcome):

For the Connoisseur:
Marley Coffee, 8 oz $29.99

“Bob Marley always said he would return to farming one day. Bob’s son Rohan fulfills that dream.”

Oh, okay. I have no beef with buying this coffee. According to Sky Mall, it’s “sustainably grown, ethically farmed and artisan roasted.” (Whatever that means.) Plus, a portion of every sale supports a worthy children’s charity. I’m just of the opinion that if Bob Marley had lived, he’d be growing something else besides coffee. Something now legally available in Oregon and Colorado.

For the Adventurer:
Solowheel $1799.99

“We’ve reinvented the wheel! The Solowheel is the world’s first single wheel, battery operated, self-maneuvering vehicle.”

What could possibly go wrong? Well, according to Autoweek’s Mark Vaughn, who reviewed the Solowheel, “The problem is when the Solowheel gets up to speed, it slows you down by leaning the wheel backwards. If you’re not ready for this, you can be pitched forward at top speed–about ten miles per hour.” I give this thing 6 months before we start seeing montages of cringe-worthy face plant videos starring Solowheels and drunken college students.

The Solowheel: Personal injury attorney not included.

For the fashion challenged:

One of a Kind Shirts for One of a Kind Men, $69.99

“A One of a Kind Shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you’re a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. 100% cotton, made from 10 different fabrics.”

Why wear ten ugly shirts ten days in a row when you can save time and wear them all at once?

For absolutely no one. Seriously, don’t buy this:
Stainless Steel Bracelet, $19.95

Do you know someone who is going through a difficult time? Facing what seems like insurmountable odds? What do you say to them? “I’ll pray for you”, is always a good line, but then you should probably actually pray for them. “I’m here for you if you need me”, is another good one, but they might take you up on that insincere offer.

Maybe you just want to acknowledge that you’re aware of their situation without having to personally invest in them. If that’s the case, there’s no more flippant, insincere cliche’ than “It is what it is”. And now thanks to the Sky Mall, you don’t even have to speak to them. Just give them a $20 bracelet and be done with them completely.

Incidentally, if you’re thinking of giving ME this bracelet for Christmas, fair warning. I may have to punch you in the face. And speaking of things that inspire acts of gratuitous violence in me…

For the desperate dreamer:
The Best Advice Ever by Ari Neptunia, $12.99

Self-help books rank fairly high on that list. Don’t get me wrong, I know the authors mean well, I just don’t think their succient, step-by-step advice is very effective because learning from other people’s mistakes is almost never as effective as learning from our own. But wait! The Best Advice Ever, which claims “Mistakes are the most destructive force in our lives” promises to “turn on the power of success, money and happiness with ZERO mistakes…supplies you with sharp advice on how to avoid mistakes in order to become successful, happy, wealthy and healthy.”

Wow. Really? I wonder if the deluxe edition comes hand delivered to you by a leprechaun riding on a unicorn.

The latest edition of the Sky Mall catalog is literally jam packed with delightful products to waste your money on, and I would strongly encourage to visit their website (which I won’t link here, but I’m sure you can Google it). I could review many more items, but I’ll leave you with my personal favorite.

For the casual believer:
The Hanukkah Tree Topper, $19.99

Sweet Fancy Moses.

*Kwannza and Ramadan ornaments sold separately.

Marni and the Skymall

Up until a few months ago, I had two guest posts a week here. One from Billy Coffey and one from a guest blogger. Then again, I also posted seven days a week, which is just nuts. (For me, anyway.) But even though guest posts are no longer a regular feature here, I do enjoy having guest bloggers here, especially the likes of Matt Appling on Friday, and today, the lovely and talented Marni Lamb. Marns is a fellow Texas gal and I love her snarky, sassy, spunkiness. When she tweeted from an airplane about reading the Skymall and thinking of me, I was already thinking guest post.

Here’s my friend Marni and her adventures in Skymall:

I have a running “top ten” list in my head. It’s the top ten things I am most proud to have accomplished in my life. For example: marrying the man of my dreams, having 2 beautiful daughters, finishing my degree…and now, writing a guest post for the great Katdish.net. Take me now, Lord, for I have peaked!

But I digress…

Last week found me taking a long, bumpy, but highly scenic, road trip from Dallas, Texas to Seattle, Washington. My husband (hereto referred to as Sainted One– because he drove the ENTIRE trip) and I drove my very pregnant sister, nervous brother-in-law, and their 3 dogs to their new home in Washington. Picture us, pulling up to the finest KOA campground/RV parks in Western America in our rented RV. We were high rolling in our luxe ride.

The other campers were green with envy when we pulled in—for obvious reasons. Yes, it was a sweet ride for a 2100 mile road trip. I liken it to being like dice in Yahtzee cup, because the ride was so smooth.

We saw beautiful mountains, shared funny moments and in general, it was a really neat trip. But thank goodness, we were able to fly home, instead of driving!

The plane was full, we were very tired, and our fellow passengers were all recently disembarked travelers from an Alaskan cruise ship (read: elderly) who were, shall we say, vocal and needy? (Side note: flight attendants do not get paid enough). At any rate, I wasn’t looking forward to the flight. However, I’m generally a positive person, so I plastered on my smile, locked in on my “fake it until you make it” attitude and boarded the plane with Sainted One.

I sat down in 24E (on the wing, because apparently it’s my God-given talent to ALWAYS book a flight where I sit on the wing) and prepared for the return trip home. I sat attentively through the pre-flight instructions, turned off my iPad and phone and waited patiently until I could log back on to the in-flight wireless and mindlessly distract myself on the internet until we landed at DFW.

But then it turned south. The in-flight wireless cost for us was going to be $32.95. Sainted One was already annoyed we paid $25 for our luggage to fly home, so he was not cottoning to paying for wireless. So great, now what was I going to do?

And then…there it was.

Skymall.

I was SO excited! I began reading and could practically hear Katdish snarking along with me as I turned the pages. In a brief moment of free internet, I even tweeted my excitement level. (Yes, I find happiness in the little things. I work in education, so my standards are low).

The first thing I noticed about Skymall is they assume most air travelers have 2 gut-wrenching afflictions: hair loss and too much hair. Oxymoronic, yes, but we all know Skymall is better than us, so don’t question it. I kept showing Sainted One all the products they had for hair re-growth, but he would point to his iPod and close his eyes and ignore me. Likely because the lady that cuts his hair uses the euphemism “high part” when talking to him about his receding hair line. Whatever. One day, he’ll ask me for hair growth help and he’ll be sorry he didn’t pay attention to me earlier.

As for the excessive hair, for you ladies, if you’re tired of that full beard you’ve been trying to ward off since early menopause has hit, might I refer you to page 41 and page 102 of the Summer 2011 issue? You’re welcome.

Another thing frequent air travelers clearly live with, are headaches. And really, why take Excedrin? That’s so old school. Instead, you should try the head relieving wrap. It’s only $49.95!

I think you could accomplish the same thing with a frozen wash rag, but what do I know?

For those of you who feel your headaches deserve more, there’s always the Migraine Magic Plus for $59.99. Think Terminator glasses, with magnets attached.

For the record, Excedrin is $8.99 at Walgreens. But it’s your call.

You know what else frequent air travelers battle? Germs! I’m a bit of a germaphobe myself…to the extent Katdish recommended I watch the TV show, Monk, because “he would complete me”. She was right. He does.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and thought “this silverware might not be clean”. Me too. And then I leave. But for those of you who don’t let that sort of thing get between you and your meal, there’s the Nano UV Disinfectant for only $99.99!

Scan this bad boy over your dirty eating utensils and voila’, 99.9% germ free! What a bargain.

Of course, sometimes the germs aren’t on your eating utensils. Sometimes it’s more sinister. Sometimes, the germs are in your running shoes! Fear not. For $99.99, you can eliminate those foot-odor germs with the shUVee Deodorizer.

Foot spray is for suckers. This is what you really need.

For those of you who have, what I like to call, “more money than sense”, this is how you can deodorize your shoes –the Nano-Silver Sanitizer.

And for only $299.99! It’s like they’re practically giving it away at that price.

Maybe you have real problems…not like those who battle germs (that apparently cause headaches and hair loss). Maybe your problems include to having packable wine glasses. I have literally lost count of how many romantic picnics Sainted One and I have gone on, only to have them ruined because I didn’t have packable wine glasses.

“Life’s too short to drink fine wine from paper cups” according to Skymall. I could not agree more. I’m busting out the brie, escargot and a nice ’79 Merlot and throwing myself a proper picnic. God bless you Skymall!

Well folks, this has been fun. But this laundry that piled up while I was on vacation, isn’t going to wash, dry and fold itself, so I guess I’ll have to put down my catalog now and get back to work. If any of you hear of a gadget capable of doing my laundry for me, give me a shout. In the meantime, I’m going to suggest that for a future issue of Skymall and see what they come up with.

***

To catch up with Marni’s comings and goings, visit her blog The Chronicles of Marnia, which she updates about 3 times a year (Snort), and follow her on the twitter at @marni71.

Move over Sky Mall, there’s a new game in town

Are you a mentally disturbed dictator of a third-world country who has amassed a fortune off the blood and toil of the people you’ve ruled with an iron fist, and yet you feel your decor lacks a certain je ne sais quoi?

Well, my friend, today is your lucky day.

The fine folks at the newly formed Gaddafi Couture is now offering many beautiful, one of a kind products that would be perfect additions to your home and wardrobe. And why not get a head start on that arduous Christmas shopping season with items sure to impress even the most hard to please person on your shopping list?

As I’m sure you’re aware, clothes really do make the man. Being a dictator requires that you display an aura of power, and nothing says I’m in control of things like a giant, fancy military hat. Preferably a couple sizes too large.

Gadhafi power hat

(Sceptre, gold chain, insulated lunch bag and large clump of human hair sold separately)

But being a crazy dictator isn’t all work and no play. Sometimes you just want to dress up and feel pretty. Gaddafi Couture offers a wide array of colorful robes, hats and accessories. Whether you’re entertaining foreign dignitaries, having a night out on the town or publicly threatening a world super power, they have the perfect outfit for every occasion.

Clothes make the man

And speaking of foreign dignitaries, how about that beautiful Condoleezza Rice? She’s smart, she’s pretty. She’s all that and a bag of chips! Impress your friends and enemies with a collection of personal photographs of everyone’s favorite former Secretary of State.

Who loves Condi? You do!

Your friends will be beyond impressed!

It’s a never ending game of one-up-manship keeping up with the Chavez’s (or Jong-il’s or Castros) isn’t it? You lose sleep wondering who’s currently got the largest number of people under their rule or who’s got the biggest statue erected in their honor. Oh sure, Mao Zedong may have the United States in his back pocket, but tell me this: Does he have a solid gold mermaid couch?:

Gold mermaid couch

No. I didn’t think so.

In countries all over the world, collectively known as “not the United States of America”, soccer, or “football except in the United States” is the most popular sport since the Roman Empire fed Christians to the lions. Gaddafi Couture has a large collection of soccer balls to give to your many children and grandchildren. Or, you know, whoever…

For those among you with only the most discriminating taste, Gaddafi Couture offers for a very limited time the Commemorative Muammar-head soccer ball. Operators are standing by:

commemorative soccer ball supplies extremely limited

These are just a few of the thousands of items now available through Gaddafi Couture, and rather than attempt to show them all, we have created a very special all inclusive shopping spree. Included in this package is a first class round trip ticket on Air Libya, which will fly you into the heart of Tripoli.

Airplane

Once you’ve landed in Libya’s capitol, you will be whisked away by our friendly armed guards who will accompany you while you shop and browse to your heart’s content:

The green room

miscellaneous

See you at the compound!

Sky Mall: It’s been too long

Ah, dear readers (and the rest of you), it’s been way too long since I’ve perused the pages of the wonderful world of the Sky Mall catalog! Who says America is in a horrible economic mess? Pish-posh says the fine folks at the Sky Mall. They have hundreds of products to spend your boat loads of disposable income on!

And who better (besides yourself, of course) to spend all that money on than man’s best friend? Does your dog’s bed have “old world ethnic charm”? I know mine doesn’t…

Notice the shame? The humiliation associated with sleeping on a dog bed without “old world ethnic charm”?

Why put your pampered pooch through that kind of stress when for a mere $349.99 plus shipping and handling you can provide all that “old world ethnic charm” with the Makati dog bed?:

The Makati Dog Bed will add old world ethnic charm to your home with the intricate scroll work and distressed Walnut finish on this wood bed. These furniture style dog beds are made from the finest furniture grade materials that include solid wood and exotic wood veneers. Each bed includes an ultra plush cushion covered in upholstery grade, durable, neutral-colored fabric. Your pet will lounge in comfort and style with the Makati Furniture Style Dog Bed!

And as any dog owner knows, off-white is an excellent color choice for a dog bed!

Don’t worry, cat lovers, I’ve also found something for your feline friend. How many of you keep your cat’s litter box in the guest bathroom? Sort of embarrassing when guests come over, isn’t it? Well, no more, thanks to the Kitty Washroom Cabinet for only $99.98.

Hide the messy litter box inside this handsome piece that instantly enhances the look of your bath, kitchen or laundry room. Designed with wainscoting in a clean white finish, it has a 7″x 8″ portal for kitty. The front swings open like a door so you can easily scoop or change the litter. Two shelves offer added storage and display space; the stainless steel bar gives you a convenient place to hang your scoop.

Most of your guests probably won’t even realize there’s a litter box in there. Except for maybe the overwhelming stench of cat urine and feces. If this seems troublesome to you, why not get rid of the litter box all together with the Cat Toilet Training System for only $49.99:

The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn’t matter and it works in multiple cat households too. This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets. Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.

No more worries about litter box odor! Of course, I’m pretty sure seeing a cat pooping on a toilet is one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse, but I could be wrong about that…

And speaking of toilets, are there ever any heated discussions around your house about the menfolk forgetting to put the toilet seat down? Technology has come to your rescue, my friend.

Introducing the Sensor Toilet Seat, $159.99:

A toilet seat that automatically raises and lowers the seat Some men have a hard time remembering to put the toilet seat down after use. Now the Touchless Sensor Toilet Seat is good news for your household. It raises the lid automatically as you approach the toilet. Wave a hand over it one more time and the seat rises. Then both the lid and seat close automatically 15 seconds after you step away. The unit is easy to install and because it’s touchless, it helps prevent germs and bacteria from spreading.

Once less thing to argue about. That’s worth 160 bucks plus shipping and handling, no? (Note: Not recommended to be used in conjunction with the Cat Toilet Training System.)

I don’t know about you, but around here summertime means looking for things for the kids to do. There are trips to the library, the swimming pool and the occasional trip to the mall or a movie, but sometimes I wish my kids would just go outside in the fresh air and play. When I was a kid, the great outdoors didn’t have to compete with non-stop programming via the satellite dish. But alas, nowadays there’s always something on television. Why go outside for entertainment when you can be entertained in the comfort of your own home? Now the folks at Sky Mall bring you the best of both worlds:

This 55″ all-weather outdoor rated HD LCD television lets you enjoy your favorite entertainment while soaking up the tranquility of the great outdoors. Engineered for permanent outdoor installation, the TV is designed to withstand rain, snow, dust, insects and extreme temperatures. It’s perfect for sharing a romantic comedy while lounging in the spa, catching every second of the game while grilling steaks and its completely at home mounted on watercraft. The anti-reflective and scratch-resistant screen increases contrast and makes for crystal clear viewing.

Oh sure, at $6,995.99 it’s a bit pricy, but can you really put a price on fresh air and sunshine for your children? Me thinks not.

As we come to the end of this umpteenth installment of the Sky Mall shopping guide, I’m afraid this humble blogger has found one product that I cannot in good conscience recommend:

Removes unwanted moles, warts and skin tags! Dermatend is a breakthrough all-natural mole, wart and skin tag remover that’s safe to use in the privacy of your own home. Unlike surgery, you won’t be left with unsightly scars or a large doctor bill. And best of all, it’s guaranteed! Dermatend permanently removes all your unwanted moles, warts, and skin tags quickly and easily. Boost your self-esteem, improve your looks, and finally get rid of all those pesky skin problems! All extra strength DermaTend’s include a free healing balm which helps speed the removal process giving you the best results possible. Extra Strength DermaTend with free Healing Balm Removes 15 moles, warts and skin tags.

Please, people. If you have a mole the size of a pencil eraser on your face

Skip the DermaTend lotion and go see a dermatologist.

This concludes the summer edition of the Sky Mall Shopping Extravaganza. Operators are standing by to take your orders. Tell them katdish sent you.

On second thought, better leave my name out of it. Happy Sky Malling!

From hair to eternity: the summer Sky Mall post (repost)

I’m up to my eyeballs in rhinos. No, not real ones. Seems as though I’ve inadvertently volunteered to paint a canvas for my daughter’s class to be auctioned off to raise money for the PTA. (Wow–that sentence was chock full of prepositional phrases, huh?) It’s due Friday. (Actually, it was due Monday, but I’m a temperamental artist so they’re just gonna have to deal with it.) I’ve copied the kids’ artwork and still need to finish painting. No time to write something brilliant and life changing, so here’s some leftovers for y’all. Sorry/you’re welcome:

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and random ridiculousness…

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the middle of the summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeeeaaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!


I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90


“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido (wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00


“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…

Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…

Shopping for love with Skymall

sky mall valentine cover It’s February, folks! Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. Have you thought about what you what you might get for that special someone or someones in your life?

What’s that you say?

Valentine’s Day is an invention of greedy retailers looking for yet another way to retrieve your hard earned cash?

Don’t be so jaded, so unromantic! As Michael Scott from The Office once said:

“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'”

And who better understands this heartfelt sentiment than our fine friends at The Skymall?

Any unimaginative cad can buy his love a dozen roses, but how many can afford enchanted roses?

Large Bohemian Vase & 12 Roses $699.99

Real roses dipped in 24K gold bring a lifetime of enchantment!
“Imagine the magical beauty of flawless long-stemmed roses hand-dipped in solid gold. Thirteen colors to choose from with 24k gold trim and solid gold stem. For those with the Midas touch, we recommend our 24K Gold Rose which is completely entombed in gold! As in nature, no two of these treasures are alike…Our large 10″ Bohemian crystal vase will complement your selection. Hand cut of Bohemian lead crystal with a 24K gold vertical band.”

Oh, sure. 700 bucks may seem a bit steep for a vase full of flowers, but I think you’d agree that “a lifetime of enchantment” is a bargain at twice that price!

Is that special someone in your life adorably competitive and argumentative? Never lets you get in the last word? Remind her of your never ending love while allowing her to argue with herself while reading the inscription on this beautiful pendant:

I love you more necklace $49.95

Exclusive I Love You More Mobius Necklace
“I Love you…I love you more…I love you…I love you more.” Start reading and you’ll return to where you began, over and over ad infinitum. A gift of never ending love, an engraved Mobius strip pendant (created by a single magical twist) hangs from a matching cable chain.

That’ll show her! (How much you love her.)

Perhaps you spent your honeymoon or a romantic vacation on a beautiful beach with the love of your life:

Personalized Beach Print $69.99

Your names in the sand.
“Personalize your passion for the beach with one of these unique prints. The beach print allows you to personalize up to 4 lines (up to 20 characters per line) allowing you to celebrate a family vacation, honeymoon, etc.”

Nothing brings back memories of those romantic days and nights at the beach than a picture of your names in the sand next to the feet of two complete strangers also at the beach! (Pirate version with optional peg-leg currently out of stock.)


There are hundreds of wonderful, romantic and thoughtful gifts for that special someone in your life available through the Skymall catalog, but this last item I consider the crown jewel of the collection.

Say you’ve been married for a few years. Those sexy, slinky negliges have been replaced by fuzzy slippers and a bulky robe. Or perhaps she’s now sporting the ever-popular Snuggie around the house? Why not just decide “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” with this beautiful gift made for two?

The Siamese Slanket $40.99

Imagine the romantic evenings spent together on the couch eating popcorn and watching Zumba infomercials in a snuggly Slanket made for two! And once warmer weather sets in, I bet that baby would make pretty quick work of wiping down the bass boat. Win/win!

I hope I’ve given you a few ideas for that special someone in your life. If you do decide to order one of these wonderful gifts from Skymall, tell them I sent you.

On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t mention my name. Happy shopping Lovebirds!

Sky Mall has great pet products…for me to POOP on!

For over a year, katdish has paraded countless guest bloggers onto her blog. Week after week, I’ve sat in silence as she has cajoled all kinds of people to write about all kinds of subjects. But when I saw her perusing the Sky Mall catalog for pet products, I knew I would be uniquely qualified to contribute my expert commentary on the subject matter.

Oh, wait…Forgive me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Buddy Love. You may not hear from me much, but I am never far from your little Internet world. Granted, I am usually asleep, but still…I’m here for you. You’re welcome.

Okay…let’s do this thing:

Can I just say that you people are obsessed with poop? There are over 20 products in the Sky Mall catalog either directly or indirectly related to the retrieval of pet excrement. Here are just a few:


Dog Trainer Device: $39.95

“Our new Dog Trainer Device is designed to quickly train your puppy or adult dog to use a designated area of your yard, thus eliminating damage to other areas of your landscape! Just place the 4 1/2 in x 7 in x 3/4 in block in the proper area and it draws your pet like a magnet with its special scent ingredients that are irresistible to dogs.”

I’m about to save you 40 bucks plus shipping and handling. Are you ready? Here goes:

Have another dog pee in your yard.

There you go.

Now that you’ve “trained” your dog to poop in a designated area, I’m guessing it’s getting pretty unsightly in that little corner of your world. But do you really want to be touching that stuff? I’m guessing no. Never fear, Sky Mall is thinking of you:


Pooch Power Shovel: $99.99

It’s almost like having someone else pick up your dog’s waste.
There’s no bending, scooping or even touching. In fact, with the push-button convenience of the Pooch Power Shovel, it’s the next best thing to having someone else do the picking up for you. This amazingly lightweight powered pooper-scooper vacuums waste directly into specially designed biodegradable bags.

“It’s almost like having someone else pick up your dog’s waste.” Is this a goal that people strive to achieve? To arrive at a station in life where you can afford to hire someone else to pick up your dog’s poop? I thought that was what children were for. What do I know? I’m just a dog.

I live where people have yards. Pretty big yards at that. And the neighbors are generally not offended if other neighborhood dogs poop in their yard. But I understand there are those of you who don’t actually have yards. City dwellers and the like. What’s a dog to do? (Or doo-doo, as the case may be.) Fear not, gentle urban reader. There’s a product made just for you:


The Porch Potty: $279.99

Keep tails wagging by making life for your best friend better with the Porch Potty Premium. Perfect for porches, patios or decks, the Porch Potty Premium is like having your own backyard or greenway wherever you live. This outdoor, self-rinsing grass litter box for dogs features pop-up sprinklers and synthetic grass fitted atop a specially designed platform that allows fluids to drain away

I suppose you could throw some astroturf on a wooden crate and keep a garden hose handy, but does that come with a cute little fake fire hydrant? Me thinks not…

So far, I’ve covered poop related products for dogs. But lest you think I haven’t considered the sanitary needs of cats, I thought I would let you know about a revolutionary product for the containment of cat waste. I know–today’s your lucky day:


Litter Robot: $314.99

The 24/7 self-cleaning litter box!
Frequently away from your favorite feline? Let the LITTER ROBOT help. Self cleaning litter box features a patented sifting process that’s automatically activated just minutes after the cat leaves the box, transferring waste into a hidden drawer, then refilling with the remaining clean litter.

Over three hundred bucks…

For a litter box…

For cats…

to poop in…

Enough said.

Well, I think that just about covers my review of poop related Sky Mall pet products. Join me next time when I will offer my review of other pet products made to make your life easier. And mine just a little more humiliating.

From Hair to Eternity: The Summer Sky Mall Post

Okay, this is a repost. But since summer is just around the corner, I feel reposting this from last year is my re-gift to my old readers and a new re-gift to my new ones. Sorry/you’re welcome.

Oh, gentle reader! It’s been too long since my last Sky Mall post! Oh sure, I’m all for the occasional serious post and lest we forget my fabulous guest bloggers

But I have neglected you, dearest Sky Mall! How could I go so long without paying homage to you: Giant book of overpriced, unnecessary crap practically begging me to make fun of you? Here it is the beginning of summer, and there’s no doubt piles of disposal income just lying around waiting to be spent! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not…whatever…

Hair is an amazing thing. (Nice segue, huh?) As mammals, we all have varying degrees of it. But we never seem content. We have too much in some places and not enough in others. This has not escaped the attention of the fine folks at the Sky Mall.

R.E.M. Spring Hair Remover $19.95

Do I really need to explain what this thing is? It’s basically a really tightly coiled spring that rips your facial hair out in a completely “pain free” manner. Yeeeaaah. Sure it does. Does it work? Just ask this satisfied Sky Mall customer:

“Wonderful gadget/tool. I’ve told many friends about this and they each plan to purchase one. I’ll be giving them for holidays gifts this year!”

Merry Christmas Aunt Margaret! Thought you might enjoy this as you are beginning to look like Uncle Phil!

And speaking of Uncle Phil, perhaps he might enjoy:

The Hairmax Laser Comb $495.00

“In a clinical study, HairMax treated hair loss and regrew hair for 93% of those who used it. HairMax users also report improved quality, shine and manageability.”

Don’t believe me? Check out THESE results!:

M’kay…I suppose that’s worth 500 bucks plus shipping and handling. Dear menfolk losing your hair: Keep your hair short. If you have a nice looking head, trying shaving it. Just say no to the comb over. Please?

“But katdish! You don’t understand! You have thick, wonderful hair! How can you stand in judgement?” Because I’m katdish…that’s what I do. Okay, okay…check this out:

Toppik Hair Building Fibers $21.95

“Toppik Makes Thin Hair Look Thick and Natural in 30 Seconds over 2 Million People Use It. Doctors Recommend it. Celebrities Won’t go on Without it. Now you can instantly eliminate the appearance of baldness and thinning hair. Toppik gives you greater coverage and a thick, full looking head of hair all in about 30 seconds!”


I’m no scientist or chemist, but I’m pretty sure this is similar to the “sea monkey principle”. (Don’t ask…I just know these things.)

By now you have a great head of hair. So you are no longer self-conscious about getting that hair wet! Time to hit the pool and get some exercise!

Endless Pool $20,900.00

“Our signature product, the Original Endless Pool is designed to fit just about anywhere, indoors or outside…This flexibility has allowed more than 12,000 customers to realize the dream of swimming at home in an Original Endless Pool.”

Wow! Twelve thousand customers? If I had a dollar for every satisfied customer, I still wouldn’t have enough money to buy that pool! I’m guessing you don’t either. No worries, you can still enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of swimming with this next product:

The AquaVee Portable Swim System Kit $84.90


“An easy to install system that turns any pool into a lap pool. The AquaVee installation time takes about 60 seconds and can be used anytime anywhere! The AquaVee is extremely portable and will fit any pool no matter the size.”

Now, I realize to the untrained eye, this looks like some surgical tubing, suction cups and a tube of silicon, but trust me….That’s exactly what it is.

This next catalog item I chose for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is pretty freaky, and second, I’m wondering why that guy didn’t buy the Hairmax Laser Comb. Don’t you think he could afford it? Me thinks, yes…

Executive Health Evaluation: $3,495.00

Experience a day-long, 5-star treatment at one of our beautiful contemporary Centers…(blah, blah, blah….)

Benefits may include: (may include? Craptastic!)

Decreased risk of age-related disease
Improved muscle tone
Decreased body fat
Increased energy
Increased libido
(wink, wink!)
Sharper thinking (so maybe you won’t spend 3500 bucks on a fancy doctor’s appointment!)

The final item up for review has nothing to do with anything really. It just made me giggle:

Giddyup! Core Exerciser – Dual Motor $469.00


“The Giddyup! Core Exerciser is the latest innovation in core strength training! This core exerciser benefits posture, improves balance, builds core strength and has up to 25 speed combinations.”

“The trotting and galloping action of a horse helps strengthen the rider’s spine and pelvic muscles, improves posture and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions. This product also invigorates the body, promotes good blood flow, and an increased metabolism.”

I’m going to be honest. If they could get Debra Winger to reprise her role as Sissy in Urban Cowboy, mount that thing with a cowboy hat and a Lone Star Beer, I’d have my Visa card out right now…Seriously…am I the only one giggling? Okay…whatever…

5 Ways Sky Mall takes your Entertaining from Everyday to Epic (by Becky Miller)

I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Jon Acuff of Stuff Christians Like was the inspiration for me to start blogging in the first place. (You may send him angry e-mails at jon@stuffchristianslike.net). If Jon’s blog was just about the writing, I’d still be a huge fan, but it’s so much more than that. It’s about community. The comments section of SCL is that community, and it is awesome. One of the charter members of what I refer to as the “SCL Posse” is Becky Miller, who is also awesome:

I met Katdish on Stuff Christians Like. Then we became Twitter friends when I decided to cyber-stalk the frequent SCL commenters, figuring that if we all liked Jon’s sense of humor and perspective on faith, we’d have a lot in common.

Kathy generously invited me to guest post here to introduce my new blog, How-To Hospitality. I’m a wife and mother in New England who entertains a LOT. I’m also clumsy and easily sidetracked. This means I’ve had more than my fair share of hospitality foibles. I started How-To Hospitality to tell on myself and my hospitality fails and wins, hoping to help others in the process.

In keeping with Hey Look, A Chicken!’s skymalladocious posts, I present:

Five Ways Sky Mall Takes Your Entertaining from Everyday to Epic

Let’s face it. The people who shop at Sky Mall are better than us. They make more money. They live in bigger houses. They have cooler gadgets. It stands to reason, then, that their parties are better than ours. What are some of your parties’ problems, and how can Sky Mall meet those needs?

1. Problem: Store-bought soda is boring and predictable
Solution: Soda Maker Kits! $129.99

Make your own fresh soda with this machine. Not only will this take your beverage selection up a notch, the product description actually promises to save the planet.

2. Problem: Your fruit bowl is not tropical enough
Solution: Palms Fruit Hammock! $29.99

Your mangoes and coconuts should feel at home in an island-like environment. This product not only keeps your fruit fresher longer, it also adds that extra touch of authenticity to your luau theme. The only problem I foresee is having guests constantly ask, “What’s up with your banana hammock?”

3. Problem: You aren’t strong enough to scoop your own ice cream
Solution: Microwaveable Ice Cream Scoop! $4.97

My mom once told me about a girl she knew in high school who had a normal left forearm and a ginormous right forearm. The girl’s summer job? Working at an ice cream stand. Don’t let that happen to you. Buy this scoop today.

4. Problem: You broke your punch bowl by filling it with salad, putting it in the fridge, then later fishing for mustard on the back part of the shelf, inadvertently knocking the punch bowl out and shattering it on the floor.*
Solution: Lighted Party Fountain! $49.99

*Er, wait, maybe that was only me. You might not need this punch fountain after all.

5. Problem: Your guests don’t want to hold their own root beer cans
Solution: Tex the Armadillo Can Holder! $29.95 (each)

Supply each of your guests with one of these darling figurines to hold their beverages. Don’t forget homemade wine glass tags for each ‘dillo. Martha Stewart has some lovely ideas for making your own wine glass tags.

But that’s another post. Martha Stewart’s parties are better than ours, too.

***

To read more from Becky Miller, visit her at How-To Hospitality and follow her on the twitter at @miller_schloss.

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