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How to write a letter that gets you noticed (but not necessarily in a good way)

August 25, 2009 in Letters from a Nut,Ted L. Nancy with 8 Comments

My brain is fried. There. I said it. I was actually going to do another Duma Key post, but I’m not feeling it. So instead, I thought I would do what I usually do when I’m scrambling for an idea – Post something stupid.

“Letters from a Nut” is just that. It is a collection of letters that were actually written and mailed to an assortment of companies, individuals and heads of state. It is rumored that Ted L. Nancy is actually Jerry Seinfeld, but this has never been proven in a court of law. Without further adieu, the following is one such letter and the corresponding reply:

January, 13, 1996

Dear University of Texas,

I was told to write to you about confirming my Feb 21, 1996 speaking engagement at your college. Let me introduce myself. I am an 8 feet 3 inches tall and perform as Topps the Slender Giant. I have been with the circus for half a century. I talk at schools and conventions (limited to these two only) about my circus experiences. (Will not talk about the kitchen incident). I performed for over eight years as Topps the Shoeless Giant. Two years as Topps the Heavy Giant. One year as Topps the Stumbling Giant. I will talk about that. I was with European, Bahamian, and Canadian circuses. I have performed before the King of Tonga, His Majesty King Taufa’Ahu Tupou IV. And I have Palace stationary. Some people call me a Lou Rawls look alike.

I speak against the perils of bad living; Navy living. Cigar shop living. I am open about all my experiences. I hold nothing back. In this talk you hear a frank and candid account of the circus and carnival life, as sick as it is. I think I am an education for students and teachers, and all alike. It is a 90 minute talk followed by questions on what it was like to be a circus performer, a giant, very thin, very heavy, a marijuana addict, conjugal visits, an alcoholic (Schnapps), and a telemarketer. The talk is very entertaining, sprinkled with colorful recollections. There are no expletives! I do make one (1) foul gesture, but only as part of a story.

Please write and let me know if the Feb 21 date is confirmed, as I was told. I also need to know about publicity. Thanks you very much. My mailing address is 560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236, Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Respectfully

Ted L. Nancy
Topps the Slender Giant

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Public Relations
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SAN ANTONIO
6900 North Loop, 1604 West
San Antonio, TX 78247

The University of Texas San Antonio

January 22, 1996

Ted L. Nancy
560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy:

I am writing in response to the letter I received from you on January 19, 1996, which requested confirmation for a performance by Tops the Slender Giant on the UTSA campus on February 21, 1996. The Student Activities Office of UTSA never contracted for this program, and does not confirm the engagement at our University.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me at (210) 555-4160.

Thank you,

Brenda Bellamy
Programs Coordinator

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So there you have it. Who says this blog isn’t educational?
Sorry/You’re Welcome.

And speaking of educational (gotta love a good segue), my new blogger buddy Bonnie Gray is posting a really great interview with Billy Coffey today over at Faith Barista. She’s quite the interviewer, and Billy is quite the interviewee. You should check it out. But just to tell you, that woman REALLY likes coffee!

And now for something completely different…

February 9, 2009 in but I digress,Jerry Seinfeld,me being silly,Ted L. Nancy with 11 Comments

No doubt, millions of you have been on the edge of your seats anxiously awaiting observations I promised about Ted L. Nancy’s book “Letters from a Nut”. (I realize that my site counter indicates a much lower number, but once it reached infinity, it started over. But I digress…)

“Letters from a Nut” is just that. It is a collection of letters that were actually written and mailed to an assortment of companies, individuals and heads of state. It has been rumored that Ted L. Nancy is actually Jerry Seinfeld, but this has never been proven in a court of law. Without further adieu, the following is one such letter and the corresponding reply:

Ted L. Nancy
560 N. Moorpark Rd., #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
July 10, 1995
Mr. Albert H. Meyer, President
American Seating Company
901 Broadway
Grand Rapids, I 49504
Dear Mr. Meyers:
I had a seating question and I was referred to you because I understand you manufacture stadium and arena seating. My question:
When entering or exiting a seat in a stadium, which is the proper side to face the person sitting down? Rear to them or crotch to them?
I am always at a quandary when this problem comes up. To hence: last week at a sporting event I had to leave my seat. There were a row of people — ALL FROM THE SAME FAMILY — that were sitting down the row. I exited my seat, stood up and faced away from this family. Then I moved down the row realizing my buttocks were not 2 inches from this whole guy’s family. I had shown an entire family my rear end! But then again if I had turned around and moved down the aisle THAT WAY, wouldn’t that be worse?
Stadium seating is the only situation in life where you can show whole rows of people your butt or crotch. And it is acceptable!
Can something be done about this seating? Should the rows be changed? I suggest a single row straight up to the top. You walk into the stadium you simply find your seat number and go up until you get it.
Question: Is there a gracious way to exit?
Thank you, Sir, for your response,

Ted L. Nancy

AMERICAN SEATING
August 3, 1995

Ted L. Nancy

560 N. Moorpark Rd., #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
Dear Mr. Nancy:
Your letter on crotch or butt first was most interesting. In fact, in all 38 years which I have been in this business it is probably the most interesting question I have ever been asked. I have shared your letter with numerous of my colleagues, and they have also found it most interesting.
But alas, we have no good answer. Your idea of a single chair has merit, but unfortunately would greatly reduce the number of chairs which could be put in the building.
The only suggestion we could come up with is for you to come early before anyone has arrived, stay in your seat the entire time, and wait until everyone else has gone before leaving. This, of course, could cause an even more embarrassing problem.
If you come up with any solutions, we would welcome hearing from you.
Sincerely,

Albert H. Meyer

This is only one of many works of great literature that have been my inspiration throughout the years. I will from time to time share snippets from some of my other favorites. (Again, you’re welcome.)