Katdish.net

I read an article in the Washington Post last week about How Twitter upended the relationships between comedians and audiences. The story highlights Sick in the Head: Conversations about Life and Comedy by Judd Apatow which is a collection of interviews with comedians between 1983 and 2015. In part, the article states,

The earlier interviews are largely concerned with process: how a joke comes about, how a routine evolves. A frequent preoccupation in later interviews is social media, Twitter in particular. Given Apatow’s prominence on the medium (he has more than 1.2 million followers), that’s not terribly surprising. Nor is it shocking that many of his fellow comedians have embraced the opportunities provided by social media: These networks have given comedians new reach and exposed them to a wider range of opinions than ever before.

However, these new avenues have fundamentally changed the relationship between comics and their audiences. While the advantages for stand-ups who largely rely on self-promotion are obvious, the risks are equally great: Audiences’ newfound familiarity with the men on the stage and the intolerance the easily offended have for boundary-pushing work risk forever altering the workshopping process that Apatow and his subjects spend so much time discussing.

Social media has largely stifled a comedian’s ability to push the boundaries of social commentary. I shudder to think how the likes of

• Mark Twain (“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way”),
• Will Rogers (“Diplomacy is the act of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock”),
• Lenny Bruce (“A lot of people say to me, Why did you kill Christ? I dunno… it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didn’t want to become a doctor, that’s why we killed him.”) and
• Richard Pryor (“I’m for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.”)

would be received today.

Before the advent of social media, if you were offended by a particular comedian, you could complain to your friends about what a jerk he or she was and choose to turn off the TV when they appeared. Not so today. It’s not enough to be offended. It’s not enough to tell all your friends and followers how offended you are. No, today we live in the world of the “perpetually outraged”, and the perpetually outraged must placate their anger by publicly calling for the end of the offending party’s career.

Social media has become a minefield, and not just for comedians. Much like getting behind the wheel of a car, there’s something about the presumed anonymity the internet provides that brings out the absolute worst in people. Unlike being behind the wheel of a car, people can actually hear you when you called them stupid *&^%$+#@!% and they are inclined to call you something worse in response.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The interwebs can be an educational, enlightening and enjoyable experience if you remember my secret of success to social media:

People don’t care what you think nearly as much as you think you do.

No really, they don’t.

You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Unless you are a close friend of mine, I’m guessing you don’t definitively know where I stand on any number of controversial issues. That’s completely intentional on my part. Why? Because if I follow you on Twitter or have friended you on Facebook it’s because I like you and I don’t want to fight with you. I can pretty much guarantee that you and I don’t see eye to eye on everything. Furthermore, no one has ever sought me out on social media and asked me point blank where I stood on the controversial topic de’ jour.

Why? Because they don’t care. They really don’t.

“But katdish,” you say, “this is an issue that I am strongly for/against and I think it’s important that people take a stand for/against this issue!”

I get that. I respect that. As long as you don’t take a firm stand on some hot button issue and then get–as my friend Jake Lee would say–all butthurt when someone disagrees with you.

Because people WILL DISAGREE WITH YOU.

You don’t have to sell out.

You don’t have to compromise your principles.

Just be nice and don’t feed the trolls.

I’ll be right there by your virtual side

Quietly judging you…

I spent a lot less time on social media than I used to. I check my Twitter and Facebook feeds every day, but I don’t spend more than a few minutes on either. More times than not, I get in on the tail end of some controversy which has erupted on Twitter. Such was the case when I began seeing tweets in my timeline from folks coming absolutely UNGLUED in the aftermath of this tweet sent out by Mark Driscoll on Inauguration Day:

You know…

It’s not like Driscoll is known for his tact. This is hardly the first time he’s offended thousands of people. I have to believe he fully expected a huge backlash because of this tweet, and that’s exactly what he got.

There’s more. Much more. If you’re interested, you can read his entire timeline. Shaun King (who has over 31,500 followers and lists “Jesus Follower” on his timeline) later apologized for his language, but stood by his outrage as a result of Driscoll’s tweet. I don’t question for a moment that Mr. King’s outrage was genuine, and I’m sure many others, regardless of their political affiliations, were offended by Mark Driscoll’s tweet.

But seriously, people…

When you go off on someone on such a public forum, you end up looking like a self-righteous attention whore. I’m not trying to single out Shaun King. I’m sure there were plenty of others going off on Driscoll. I just happened to see his tirade because @Learell is in my “Friends” column on Tweetdeck, and when I saw this exchange, it made me curious about what I had missed:

Shaun King doesn’t know Learell from Adam. As far as I know, this is the first interaction either has had with one another. Yet King assumes Learell agreed with what Driscoll said.

Twitter is not the platform for meaningful dialogue about complex issues or passionate debates about politics, religion, or…well…anything.

It’s Twitter, people!

It’s pithy comments of 140 characters or less. The odds of your words being misunderstood and/or taken out of context are pretty high. Those odds go up exponentially when you’re pissed off.

If you’re outraged about something, rather than express your anger in 140 character spurts, get a pen and a notepad, or talk to a real, non-virtual human being about it. Maybe even go so far as to send a private email to the offending party.

If none of this advice sounds reasonable; if you still think your best bet is expressing your righteous anger on social media, might I suggest you examine why that is? Why you feel it so important to share your worst moments intimately with what amounts to a bunch of complete and total strangers who have no right to judge you, but most certainly will?

And while we’re on the subject of social media, can someone please explain to me why you would follow someone you don’t like? Doesn’t living in a fallen world give us plenty to be upset about without going out and looking for reasons to be pissed off?

In the memorable words of Sergeant Hulka…

Lighten up, Francis.

This is a repost of something I wrote several months back in response to a few high profile folks on the twitter unfollowing their followers in-mass. I’m reposting it today because: A) I’m trying to get this stupid pottery piece finished for a school auction and I don’t have time to write anything,

I hate rhinos, painting and pottery. Seriously. I've spent 4 days on this thing and I'm dead on the inside.

and B) I’ve been unfollowed FOR THE SECOND TIME by a person whose work I appreciate and respect, who assures me “it’s nothing personal”, and I honestly believe that for him, it really isn’t personal, he’s just checking out this cool unfollow tool he found. But the problem with a mass unfollow of thousands of people is that there are actual people behind those avatars, and some people actually DO take it personally. I mean, I don’t. Not really. But still…

image courtesy of photobucket.com

The latest trend on the twitter seems to be the mass unfollow. I think Chris Brogan started the trend, Michael Hyatt and others followed suit.

Carlos Whittaker wrote a pretty spot-on post about why he’s not unfollowing everyone, so I figured I’d be trendy and give you my take on the whole follow/refollow/unfollow…um…thingy.

Last time I checked, I had 2546 followers on the twitter. Bush league numbers compared to a guy like Michael Hyatt who has over 100,000 followers or LosWhit whose following is just shy of 23,000. I have never used an auto-follow back service, which automatically refollows anyone that follows you. For every new follow notification I receive, I choose to refollow or not based on whether I think the person (and they need to be a real person) would be someone who could add to the conversation–whatever that conversation might be.

Auto-refollow services offer people (especially high profile people) a convenient, hands-off approach to connecting with their followers, and while I don’t anticipate I’ll ever have enough followers to warrant using such a service, even if I did, I wouldn’t.

Why?

Because I think it’s disingenuous.

There’s plenty of spam twitter accounts; plenty of people on Twitter who view follower counts as nothing more than a numbers game.

But there are also real, flesh and blood people on the other side of that tweet.

• There’s a stay-at-home mom whose baby just puked on the last clean shirt she owns.
• A new, struggling writer whose blog is read by 3 people, 2 of which are his mom and dad.
• A lonely, housebound widower who is desperately trying to make human contact with another soul in cyberspace.

All of whom are thrilled to death when someone they admire and respect is actually following THEM on Twitter.

How do you suppose it makes them feel when they are summarily dumped in a massive unfollow?

I assume it makes them realize what they suspected all along:

That they never really mattered in the first place.

And I’d rather let them know that up front instead of letting them believe otherwise until they’re of no use to me anymore.

Like the sign hanging in my daughter’s elementary school hallway says:

It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

(Sorry–but I had to get that off my chest.)

While I consider each new follow on an individual basis, I do have some guidelines which help me determine who NOT to refollow. I’ve shared them here before, and here they are again:

image courtesy of photobucket.com

The Top 10 Reasons I didn’t grant you the courtesy refollow:

Generally speaking, if someone follows me on the twitter and they appear to be a real person and not some spambot or online markerter, I will grant the courtesy refollow. By the way, if you are a real person and I’m not refollowing you, it’s most likely that I don’t know you’re following me. If you let me know, I’ll follow you. Unless of course you happen to break one or more of  the cardinal rules of the katdish courtesy refollow:

1. You’re nekkid in your avatar. That’s all I have to say about that.
2. Your Twitter bio contains the words “Social Media” followed by the words “celebrity” or “rock star”. Um, get over yourself already. I’ve never heard of you.
3. Your last 10 tweets consist of links to your own website and tired old quotes everyone’s already heard.
4. Your tweets are in a language other than English. Sorry. I’m a dumb American. That’s the only language I speak, understand or read.
5. All of your tweets look something like this: *¨* 愛∗¸☀¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀.•*¨* 愛∗¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸.•*. Am I missing something? What’s up with that?
6. You talk at the twitter, but you never have any conversations with people on the twitter. It’s social media. Be social already. I don’t care who you are, you’re not that big a deal (to me, anyway).
7. You don’t have a bio. Seriously…would it kill you to say 10 words about yourself?
8. You are suffering from hashtagatosis, where you cannot #tweet #anything #without #using #hashtags.
9. You are rabidly opposed to either liberals or conservatives and that’s all you tweet about. I follow liberals, conservatives and everyone in between, but I’m really more interested in what we have in common than what separates us. (End of mini speech.)
10. I’m just not that into you. (This may include, but may not limited to the fact that you use foul language constantly or are overtly sexually suggestive. I’m not the morality police, I just don’t care to see that in my twitter feed. To each his own.)

So, there’s my top ten. Do you have any deal breakers when it comes to the courtesy refollow?

image courtesy of photobucket.com

What is Klout you ask? Good question:

From Wikipedia:

Klout is a San Francisco based company that provides social media analytics that measures a user’s influence across their social network. The analysis is done on data taken from sites such as Twitter and Facebook and measures the size of a person’s network, the content created, and how other people interact with that content.

The scores range from 1 to 100 with higher scores representing a wider and stronger sphere of influence. Klout uses variables on Facebook and Twitter to measure True Reach, Amplification Probability, and Network Score.

True Reach is the size of one’s engaged audience and is based on those of their followers and friends who actively listen and react to messages. Amplification Score is the likelihood that one’s messages will generate actions (retweets, @messages, likes and comments) and is on a scale of 1 to 100. Network score indicates how influential one’s engaged audience is and is also on a scale from 1 to 100. The Klout score is highly correlated to clicks, comments and retweets.

The final Klout Score is a representation of how successful a person is at engaging their audience and how big of an impact their messages have on people. The accuracy of Klout Score has been questioned several times by different researchers however Klout Score is being used by most social media marketers as a barometer of influence.

Klout’s increasing popularity over the past several months and its own influence over high profile people in social media has garnered a typical response from me.

I make fun of it.

A lot:

And because, according to my high-falootin’ Klout score of 60 and my Klout title of Broadcaster (Broadcaster: You broadcast great content that spreads like wildfire. You are an essential information source in your industry. You have a large and diverse audience that values your content.), immediately following my mafia refrigerator tweets, many of my “broadcastees” headed over to Klout to boost influence in both categories:

My inclination to make fun of Klout as a measure of online influence certainly isn’t an original one. Alise Write wrote a great post about her Justin Bieber influence and Naomi De La Torre wrote another about her influence in the categories of Unibrows, Vomit, Tuna, Poop and Placenta. I’m sure many have put their two cents in on the subject.

I think our collective need to make fun of Klout’s measure of influence stems from a common realization:

Because how can anyone tell me with a straight face that they are influential about Christianity, Social Media, Writing, Publishing, whatever when the same brain trust which measured that influence also tells me I’m influential about Cats, Angel Investing, Mafia and Refrigerator?

All I’m saying is this: While I suppose Klout has its place in the narcissistic world of social media, how they measure your influence should have very little to do with how you measure your influence. Heck, maybe even the powers that be at Klout have recognized how inaccurate their influence measurements can be, because my high falootin’ score of 60 on Wednesday morning had taken a substantial nose dive when I checked it on Thursday:

Either that or I have angered the influence gods…

Ah, the Twitter…

A place to connect, to find links to interesting topics and people.

A place to be completely random and ridiculous in 140 characters or less.

Which is exactly what I was doing on Tuesday evening after the release of Apple’s newest form of electronic crack, the iPhone 4S, when I tweeted:

I was really just being a smart ass. Just another service I offer on a daily basis. But then something unexpected happened. Someone suggested a much better alternative to throwing my abandoned phones into my overflowing junk drawer:

Sandra later sent me a link to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence, who have a program which can put your old phone to good use:

NCADV is recycling cell phones to:
• Fund programming that empowers victims of domestic violence and helps them remain free from abuse
• Support legislation aimed at ending domestic violence
• Give support and resources to organizations across the US working to stop violence in the home

How It Works:
• Roughly 60 percent of cell phones will be refurbished and resold
• The revenue generated from the sale of refurbished phones will be used to support NCADV programs that help end violence in the home
• The remaining cell phones are recycled according to the highest environmental standards

My discarded phones (and yours) can be put to much better use than just taking up space in a junk drawer. They could save a life. I don’t know about you, but that’s worth giving up an overpriced coffee beverage for a day to pay for postage.

Still on the fence about it? Maybe these statistics will help you decide:

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

If you’d like to help, you can get all the details here.

Get rid of something you no longer need and help someone else in the process. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Social media is not for everyone. John Mayer left Twitter after very publicly declaring in a USA Today interview:

“It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well.”

He goes on to say:

“Those who decide to remain offline will make better work than those online. Why? Because great ideas have to gather. They have to pass the test of withstanding thirteen different moods, four different months and sixty different edits. Anything less is day trading. You can either get a bunch of mentions now or change someone’s life next year.”

What Mayer fails to mention in this interview is that it was his own narcissistic need for constant attention via Twitter and lack of self-discipline to simply disconnect from the virtual world that most likely caused his work to suffer. Also, he’s sort of a tool. A very talented one, but a tool none the less.

I disagree with Mayer’s assertion that nobody who has participated in Twitter has created lasting art. Not only do I think one can still create lasting art and participate in social media, I would also say that oftentimes art begets art on the twitter. Why, just this week an idea for a book came to me whilst I was gazing at my tweetdeck:

And while the idea for this book of myths was still fresh in my head, I began sharing some household misconceptions with the twitter:

Then a great thing happened. Others started joining in with their own myths:

Note: That should read The food pantry is filled during the night by the food fairie.

So there you have it. The birth of what promises to be a best selling coffee table book. Lasting art created and contributed to right on the twitter.

Since I know many publishers, agents and PR people follow me on the twitter (many of them secretly), this is an open invitation to make me an offer for representation or multiple book deal via Direct Message. I will consider any and all offers, but don’t insult me by low balling. It should also be noted that while the Household Myth book is completely up for grabs, I have promised my upcoming Young Adult Amish Vampire Romance Novel to Rachelle Gardner, and I would hate to disappoint her unless it was for an obscene amount of money.

Your turn, friends. Have any household myths to share?

image courtesy of photobucket.com

The latest trend on the twitter seems to be the mass unfollow. I think Chris Brogan started the trend, Michael Hyatt and others followed suit.

Carlos Whittaker wrote a pretty spot-on post about why he’s not unfollowing everyone, so I figured I’d be trendy and give you my take on the whole follow/refollow/unfollow…um…thingy.

Last time I checked, I had 2546 followers on the twitter. Bush league numbers compared to a guy like Michael Hyatt who has over 100,000 followers or LosWhit whose following is just shy of 23,000. I have never used an auto-follow back service, which automatically refollows anyone that follows you. For every new follow notification I receive, I choose to refollow or not based on whether I think the person (and they need to be a real person) would be someone who could add to the conversation–whatever that conversation might be.

Auto-refollow services offer people (especially high profile people) a convenient, hands-off approach to connecting with their followers, and while I don’t anticipate I’ll ever have enough followers to warrant using such a service, even if I did, I wouldn’t.

Why?

Because I think it’s disingenuous.

There’s plenty of spam twitter accounts; plenty of people on Twitter who view follower counts as nothing more than a numbers game.

But there are also real, flesh and blood people on the other side of that tweet.

• There’s a stay-at-home mom whose baby just puked on the last clean shirt she owns.
• A new, struggling writer whose blog is read by 3 people, 2 of which are his mom and dad.
• A lonely, housebound widower who is desperately trying to make human contact with another soul in cyberspace.

All of whom are thrilled to death when someone they admire and respect is actually following THEM on Twitter.

How do you suppose it makes them feel when they are summarily dumped in a massive unfollow?

I assume it makes them realize what they suspected all along:

That they never really mattered in the first place.

And I’d rather let them know that up front instead of letting them believe otherwise until they’re of no use to me anymore.

Like the sign hanging in my daughter’s elementary school hallway says:

It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

(Sorry–but I had to get that off my chest.)

While I consider each new follow on an individual basis, I do have some guidelines which help me determine who NOT to refollow. I’ve shared them here before, and here they are again:

image courtesy of photobucket.com

The Top 10 Reasons I didn’t grant you the courtesy refollow:

Generally speaking, if someone follows me on the twitter and they appear to be a real person and not some spambot or online markerter, I will grant the courtesy refollow. By the way, if you are a real person and I’m not refollowing you, it’s most likely that I don’t know you’re following me. If you let me know, I’ll follow you. Unless of course you happen to break one or more of  the cardinal rules of the katdish courtesy refollow:

1. You’re nekkid in your avatar. That’s all I have to say about that.
2. Your Twitter bio contains the words “Social Media” followed by the words “celebrity” or “rock star”. Um, get over yourself already. I’ve never heard of you.
3. Your last 10 tweets consist of links to your own website and tired old quotes everyone’s already heard.
4. Your tweets are in a language other than English. Sorry. I’m a dumb American. That’s the only language I speak, understand or read.
5. All of your tweets look something like this: *¨* 愛∗¸☀¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀.•*¨* 愛∗¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸☀¸¸.•*¨* 愛∗¸.•*. Am I missing something? What’s up with that?
6. You talk at the twitter, but you never have any conversations with people on the twitter. It’s social media. Be social already. I don’t care who you are, you’re not that big a deal (to me, anyway).
7. You don’t have a bio. Seriously…would it kill you to say 10 words about yourself?
8. You are suffering from hashtagatosis, where you cannot #tweet #anything #without #using #hashtags.
9. You are rabidly opposed to either liberals or conservatives and that’s all you tweet about. I follow liberals, conservatives and everyone in between, but I’m really more interested in what we have in common than what separates us. (End of mini speech.)
10. I’m just not that into you. (This may include, but may not limited to the fact that you use foul language constantly or are overtly sexually suggestive. I’m not the morality police, I just don’t care to see that in my twitter feed. To each his own.)

So, there’s my top ten. Do you have any deal breakers when it comes to the courtesy refollow?

I had no intention of watching the Royal Wedding. I just don’t get jazzed up about stuff like that. Pomp and circumstance has its place I suppose, just not at 3:00 a.m. CST.

But as bad luck would have it, I awoke at 3:00 a.m. CST to the sound of the theme song from “Cops” blaring from my television. And since it seems they show the same dumb, drunk criminal lying to the police over and over again on that program, I figured, what the heck? Might as well watch some pomp and circumstance.

And hey, while I’m at it, might as well post some random thoughts on the twitter at the same time:

This is one long wedding. By this time at my wedding I was already @ the reception doing the chicken dance. #royalwedding

I’m guessing they won’t being doing the chicken dance @ this one, though #royalwedding

I’m going to wait until #royalwedding is over before I make fun of the hats, because I’m classy like that.

The people outside look really happy, don’t they? #royalwedding

I wonder if one dry cleaner takes care of all these clergy robes. Bet they’re easy to spot on that automated hanger thingy #royalwedding

Okay, people. Let’s wrap it up. We have another wedding here at 6:00 #royalwedding

So now what? Reception? They look pretty relaxed to me. #royalwedding

Incidentally, I had no intention of watching the #royalwedding. I just woke up too early.

I think it’s interesting that all the women I saw were dressed conservatively (except some hats) & the most lavish costumes worn by men

Can someone tweet a pic of that tan hat that girl was wearing behind the queen, because Dang. What was that thing?#royalwedding

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers” – Homer Simpson

Okay seriously...WTH?

@BigMama247 How can you be okay with that hat? I wonder if she’s going to have a picture of the royal couple put in that frame on her head. (in reply to: @katdish Well, better with the hat than with the make-up. And I like anything that is feather-free.)

@BigMama247 There was a copious amount of plumage & flying saucers in attendance.

@agapeguitars @BigMama247 “Do you like my hat?” “No, I do not like your hat.” – Go Dog Go (in reply to: @katdish @BigMama247 Well, I’m not Alise, but I love the hat for its Seussian qualities. That always supersedes good taste IMO.)

@SBeeCreations @agapeguitars mentioned a certain Dr. Seussian quality to it. I tend to agree. (in reply to @katdish @agapeguitars Do you like my hat?)

Getting ready for the next #royalwedding unstated flashy

Perhaps an environmental statement #royalwedding

And floral is appropriate for a spring #royalwedding

"You wanna a piece of me?!?" #royalwedding

So there you have it. I watched the Royal Wedding so you didn’t have to. Sorry/you’re welcome/TTFN!

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Yes, lovely people…

I know it’s been awhile since I posted one of these updates, but I honestly didn’t think I had that many tweets over the past few weeks. That is, until I cut and pasted them all from my profile page into my blog. As usual, I was delusional. I had tweets a-plenty. Hopefully, I whittled them down to a manageable amount here. And I have twitpics!

The best of me (or not) on the Twitter:

katdish.net: from the sublime to the ridiculous (Okay, maybe not so much sublime…)

@fireboy49 I think you can relate almost any life experience to an episode of Seinfeld. (in reply to @fireboy49 @katdish Ah, a fellow Seinfelder.)

@fireboy49 Not that there’s anything wrong with that… (in reply to @fireboy49 @katdish Wow, I have socks just like that! Well, not just like that. I don’t bejewel my socks.)

Just noticed I walked the dog in these flops. I have another pair just like them.

RT @muchl8r What is that wretched smell? Did I step in something? No. That’s what winter smells like….

My son is home sick today. He just called me from his room and asked me to bring him breakfast. Y’all should probably pray for him…

@CassFrear @peterpollock knows he can never really be in trouble w/me because he’s pretty much indispensable.

@dlrayburn Well, hold off on the corner crying. You may do that after I tell you what I think…(in reply to @dlrayburn @katdish If ya got a sec, I would love your input on the color changes. 🙂 RLCBlog.com //If not, I will crawl into a corner and cry.

Getting a pedicure after months w/o one. I think the lady went to the back to find a power sander.

But seriously…there are some TWSS moments that one cannot pass up.

If y’all think I’m inappropriate on twitter, you should see some of my DMs.

My local Kroger has completely rearranged itself. NO ONE consulted me! First PCB, now this…

9YO was watching “Medical mysteries” on TV. She said, “The doctors found a growth in his urinal area”. Snort!

HELLP MEEE!!!

Watching the national news….”I see dumb people…”

Off the grid for awhile. I’ve been given reading orders by @billycoffey, who’s not the boss of me, but I can’t wait to dive into his words.

RT @muchl8r: I still think winter is the stupidest season. My attempt to like it over the past several months has been a sham.

Microwave: 1 Internet Connection: 0

Where is @redclaydiaries? She’s neglecting the virtual world.

@CandySteele Of course I’m mocking you. It’s what I do.

@billycoffey What do you mean survived? I’m delightful. (in reply to @billycoffey @JeanneDamoff Hey Jeanne! Saw that you survived your @katdish encounter.)

“It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.” – Ernest Hemingway

RT @fishythoughts How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren’t even trying.

Yawn!!!!

Good Morning!

Because everything’s better with more cow bell.

got an email about praise band practice this week. We have a new member sitting in that plays blues guitar. I asked if I could play cow bell

Someone at the car wash has take out food that smells like B.O. At least I hope it’s the food. Dang.

@kelybreez Oh, like I have to fish for compliments. There are perks to being an internet tornado. (in reply to @kelybreez @katdish Pshaw.)

@kelybreez Am not. I happen to think Twitter DOES look fabulous this morning. (in reply to @kelybreez @katdish You’re just fishing for compliments.)

Good morning, Twitter! You’re looking fabulous this morning.

140 character limit holiday tip: The appropriate abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is V-Day. Not “VD”.

I would be offended if it weren’t for the fact that I suck at math. Even 4th grade math.

My daughter (in the 4th grade) has refused my help w/her math homework. Instead she is waiting for her dad to get off the phone to help her.

Because I’m thinking real angels don’t have curly locks and chubby cheeks. If that were the case, why do they always say, “Do not be afraid”

I need to write a post about how bitterly disappointed people w/cherub angel collections are gonna be when they get to heaven.

But in my defense, I got one of those “pass this email on if you love Jesus” emails. I think I’m entitled to rant.

All of my posts are a little ranty lately. I didn’t intend for the one I just wrote to be, just sort of happened.

Pretty excited that Lady Gaga left a spam comment on my blog, and she “harmonizes with my conclusions”. Wicked.

I call this "Dead dog in dead grass" Note: dog isn't really dead, but the grass is.

I will be posting my anti-Valentine’s Day post at midnight. Yes, I’m unromantic and jaded by commercialism.

Nothing I enjoy more than coming home after spending 3 hours in Houston traffic to have my son ask me to take him to the mall.

Who's got the coolest church trailer ever?

Carne asada & cheese enchiladas

Mmmmm....

Taking hubs to get LASIK this afternoon, but first, Mexican Food FTW. @kelybreez

The Donald for president? I just don’t know if I can get behind a guy with a bad combover.

I’m not sure how I feel about The Donald running for president.

@PeterPollock I read it once. Before I threw it with great force against the wall. (in reply to @PeterPollock @katdish Oh yes. You read it to your kids every night… right?)

Who likes the book The Giving Tree? I’m thinking about reposting my version of it.

RT @andylevy This is the worst resignation speech ever. #mubarak

Man, I thought I was stubborn. #mubarak

Uh, oh. This isn’t sounding like a resignation speech so far. #Mubarak

Reuters is reporting that Mubarak will NOT step down. If that’s the case, this will not end well.

@noveldoctor She’s pasted into the wall with her own paper. The design is of life-sized human bodies. She’s never found.

@noveldoctor I’m writing a novel about a wallpaper designer. She dies at the end, because I hate wallpaper.

RT @noveldoctor If your protagonist doesn’t struggle, you’re not writing a novel, you’re designing wallpaper.

Unconfirmed reports say Mubarek will step down via Fox News

“A good writer is basically a story teller. Not a scholar or redeemer of mankind.” ~ Isaac Singer

DH: I’m going to dinner next Wed. I’ll be back Thurs. Me: That’s a long dinner! DH: DENVER! Not dinner. Me: Oh, okay.

A winter haiku: Winter winds they howl/Garbage cans dance in the street/Sure glad they’re not mine.

Favorite pasta salad ever

Or maybe I’m just devastatingly lazy. Yes. Definitely one of those.

Life's too short to chop your own produce

And now, I must go face my arch nemesis: the grocery store.

Dr Pepper plant burning in Grand Prairie, TX. Observing a moment of silence for @marni71

@CandySteele Birds that grow fur? I think those are bats. (in reply to CandySteele @billycoffey We have birds that grow fur. Seriously, that’s what it looks like.)

image courtesy of photobucket.com

Sick kid, sick me, freezing weather and reality television makes for some very grumpy and snarky tweets. But alas, the sun is shining this morning and I’m hoping to get out of this house very soon. Because this update is sadly lacking in twit pics…

The best of me (or not) on the twitter:

I’m 92% thru Anna Karenina, according to my kindle. Next I think I’ll read something a little lighter. Like the phone book, maybe.

Just saw on the news some folks moved the barriers on an icy overpass. Guess you can’t cure stupid.

The freeway system here is not designed for freezing temps. Accidents everywhere. Stay home if you can.

I wonder if I could make money by offering to not speak at certain public events.

You know, I’ve been doing some research into public speaking. Some folks make some serious cash doing that.

Some spam comments are so polite I’m tempted to approve them. Besides, some of my readers may need to buy discount scooter parts.

Alas, the official email has been sent. No school tomorrow.

I don’t care what the boy says, if I don’t get an official email from the school district, he’s going to school tomorrow.

@tonyjalicea Embrace your inner cranky ho, Tony. It works for me.

My son just came home and announced there was no school tomorrow. I shall wait for official email.

@RaleneB Yes. Can’t be caught in a snowstorm with your roots showing.

@SassafrasHill @Helenatrandom @LizFentonDecker Ding, ding, ding! Correct!

Back from Walmart. Answer the following:

Which aisle was most crowded? A) bread B) milk C) hair color ((hint: I live in Texas)

Okay, people! I’m headed to Walmart. Which should be quite an adventure, what with the ARTIC STORM bearing down on us. Snort!

I need to run some errands before Houston is covered by 1/4″ of snow & grinds to a complete halt.

That last tweet was a little gloat-y, huh? Sorry.

Congrats to @MichelleDeRusha (Told you I know good writers when I read them)

WOOT! >RT @RachelleGardner: Welcome new WordServe client @MichelleDeRusha! Follow her on Twitter & visit her blog: http://bit.ly/h7Gx89

The most amusing thing about getting snow in SE Texas are all the ARTIC BLAST! updates. Chicago is laughing at us.

Weatherman predicting snow today. In Houston. Go figure.

@weightwhat If I ever need a chicken poop fairy, your number’s on speed dial. (in reply to @katdish Are you sure? Because I could totally be your chicken poop fairy. We’ve got plenty here and I’m a giver.)

@CandySteele I definitely do not need a chicken poop fairy. I hate being sick. (in reply to @katdish Ha! I read that as “chicken poop.” Wish you lived closer – I’m on a cooking binge today.)

I need a chicken soup fairy

@karenzach More like Abe Vigoda (in reply to @katdish Not quite Audrey Hepburn this week, heh?)

Sitting here with tissue stuffed in my nose. Lovely.

Wind, rain, cold and no power. Lawsome.

Okay. I think I’m sick. But I’ve got a bottle of cherry flavored Nyquil and I’m not afraid to use it.

Is it okay to use the term “pretentious asshole” in a blog post? Sure hope so.

Let the incessant complaining begin anew >RT @Brian_Russell: I would like to wholeheartedly welcome @the_original_xy back to the internet!

@karenzach I accept your offer. (in reply to karenzach @katdish you best have someone righteous praying for you)

@karenzach Yes. She’s mini me. I pray for her constantly. (in reply to karenzach @katdish like her mama)

@karenzach It was a peach pit. She has a vivid imagination.

@karenzach She almost threw up in the trash can @ the doctor’s office. Later :”There was something in that can. Think it was a heart”

Cold symptoms make me snarky.

@BethLayne Ha! I’m gonna answer “love” next time they ask me “Paper or plastic”. (in reply to BethLayne Love is the answer, no matter the question.)

I’m sure it’s pure coincidence that I’ve been taking care of my sick kid for the past 5 days & I just sneezed 97 times.

I am not getting sick. I am not getting sick…

RT badbanana TWITTER HAS ISSUED A WINTER WHINING WARNING, IN EFFECT UNTIL NOON FRIDAY.

Sweet Fancy Moses. You wouldn’t believe what the stupid crap people will pay for. I think I feel an incessant rant coming on…

Earlier snail tweets brought to you by a book I just read about understanding philosophy thru jokes.

Knock on the door. Woman answers it only to find a snail. She picks it up & throws it across the yard….2 weeks later, another knock at the door. Woman answers to find the snail who says, “What was all that about?”

Time relativity: Snail is mugged by 2 turtles. Police ask what happened. Turtle says, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Bride told the consultant no price limit, finds a $14,000 dress, then asks to try on a $1500 dress. #gratefulInolongerworkretail

This bride wants a Panina wedding gown. I love their sandwiches!

Okay, even tv weddings make me a little verclempt.

@melissa_rae My mom has the good sense to talk about me behind my back. #kidding #sortof

“My daughter’s dress is gaudy because my daughter has gaudy taste.” bride’s mother #notnice

@fireboy49 Save your money. (in reply to fireboy49 @katdish If my daughter watches that show religiously, does that bode well for me?)

Okay. Now the fiance & MIL are now digging thru the dresses. GAAA!

And the fiance & MIL are making fun of the first dress she tried on. Sigh.

Okay, this bride brought her fiancé & her future mother in law to help pick out a dress. Um. No.

Okay. Bride picked the $11,000 dress. Her dad is going to sell his motorcycle so he can pay for it. Hope the groom knows what he’s in for

Okay, the $5000 budget has been broken. $11,000. Redunkulous.

But since I’m already being judgmental, I wonder if these brides have given as much thought to the marriage as they have to the wedding.

See? I told you I shouldn’t be allowed to watch reality TV. I get all judgmental and whatnot.

Father of the bride just told the consultant to forget about the $5000 price limit. These people need to get a grip.

I’m very grateful for my mom. She made my wedding dress & it was amazing. She also let me decide what it should look like.

I should not be allowed to watch reality TV. Watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC….

Follow @mychiapet, because I think we need to encourage all of @weightwhat’s personalities to come out from behind the tree.

@HyacynthW I’ve tried. But Oprah won’t talk my calls. (in reply to HyacynthW @katdish If you feel a connection with someone, ask! I did last summer and it’s been awesome to have her!)

Am I the ONLY PERSON who doesn’t have a mentor? I feel deprived…

I wish I would have known that before I started writing.

I’m of the opinion that many writers write to chase away demons, or at least keep them at bay for awhile.

@Learell Parts? I thought Macbooks were indestructible. Guess I should stop hitting mine w/a hammer.

My daughter sold 6 boxes of girl scout cookies. We’re proud underachievers here.

Not sure if that says something about me or about my readers. Or both.

When I get an idea for a post & then think, “Nah, that’s a really stupid idea” & then write it anyway, those are the most popular.

@RedClayDiaries You missed making my twitter update again. You really should devote more time to social media.

@mmmhmmmheinz I just had this whole heroic knight vibe going on in my head. Nights would be good, but I’m still thinking knights.

@mizweatherby I KNOW! And I had this whole King Arthur’s knights of the round table thing going on in my head. Ruined I tell you!

I just found out the song by The Moody Blues is Nights in White Satin, not KNIGHTS in White Satin, which pretty much ruins it for me.

Lying on the couch reading a book w/this stuck in my armpit.