Archive - May, 2009

A Dying Wish

Last week, I talked about my dear friend Pat’s funeral; about how it was the best funeral I have ever had the privilege of attending. It was really, really wonderful. If you haven’t read about it, I invite you to do so here: Best Funeral Ever. For me, the best part of that funeral was a personal videotaped message from Pat, where she told us about three dreams she had. She said it was God’s way of reassuring her that there was a real place called Heaven, and that she would soon be joining Him there. Her dying wish was that we all join her there someday, too.

Jeff talked about Pat’s funeral the Sunday after her funeral. He also talked about the last prayer of Jesus before that fateful day at Calvary.

John 17:20-26 (New International Version)

Jesus Prays for All Believers
20″My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24″Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25″Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

I’ve sat next to more than one person on their death bed. Here’s the thing: they don’t talk about the weather, or how they’re really going to miss chocolate ice cream. They talk about what is most important to them. Just a few days before my friend Dee died, she took both of my hands, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Continue to do the work that God has called you to do.” I’ll never forget those words. They keep me going when I get frustrated about one thing or another about my walk with Christ.

If we can agree that someone who knows their death is imminent speaks only of things that they consider of the utmost urgency, can we also agree that the Son of God felt an urgency to share the words in the above scripture to the Fellowship of Believers? I know I have a new perspective on that passage. It’s a REALLY BIG DEAL people!

On the Tweet Deck

Wow. Twitter is nuts. I have a very ecclectic mix of people I follow, and boy does that make things interesting. I may have had some unfollows this week. I’m really not sure. It’s really hard to keep up with the comings and goings of all those folks. But for those whom I may have offended and caused to unfollow me, I offer the following:

Tweeps, we live in a world that has tweetdecks and those tweetdecks need to be guarded by people with sarcasm. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mrs. Rainbow Unicorn Avatar? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Extreme Makeover – Home Edition and curse my irreverence; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that monkey butt referenced tweets, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that tweetdeck, you need me on that tweetdeck. We use words like that’s what she said. We use them as the backbone of a life trying to mock something. You use them as a disapproving unfollow. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a twit who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very ridiculousness I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a keyboard and post a tweet. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Okay people, there are a whole lotta tweets here. Again they are in backwards order. Yeah, yeah. I’m lazy. I’m so lazy I have guest bloggers so I can spend more quality time with my family and on twitter. (Kidding.) (Sort of). Feel free to stop reading when your eyes begin to glaze over. Dang. I really need to get out more…

And now from your favorite twitter ho and her friends:

I just googled myself (that’s what she said). I am officially OVEREXPOSED!

But seriously, how does one type that out?

#trueconfession Even though I type “snort” on twitter, I really often laugh like Muttley the Dog.

@br8kthru Okay. I ranted incessantly and feel much better now. Thanks.

@br8kthru Hey Jason – What are 5 more things you just don’t get?

@oliveshoot Yeah, there’s a mushy katdish. I don’t let her out much, though…

Okay – send me a tweet if you want me to do a #followfriday on you. Yes, I am THAT lazy.

@FilmLadd No, silly! A dog and cat have more votes than you. And that’s none of your damn business!

Okay – Who hasn’t read my sappy, emotional post today?: @godhasablog – have you?

@mabeswife No. Me + Sewing Machine = bad.

@mabeswife The words “cool” “sewing” and “tutorial” do not belong in the same sentence.

@davidgs Thank you. I will now conduct an in depth study on cat yodeling.

@billycoffey Aw, thanks. Even though it may endanger my man card.

@AmberAusten I think it’s called, “Don’t they know what causes that?” (when asked, “What is the name of that show with the 17 kids?”)

Ugh! The teen angst on Facebook is getting really, really annoying!

@yourbetterbody is now following me on twitter. Well, make it snappy will ya? Bathing suit season is upon us!

@FilmLadd Oh, wait…I can vote more than once? Did ACORN set this vote up?

@Becks_Beer Yay! Your face is back!

@FilmLadd I’m actually originally from Virginia, which is also sexy, but I’m in Texas now.

@FilmLadd About Texas women being the sexiest. If you would stop tweeting for 2 seconds I could get a word in edgewise!

@davidgs My dh also has a fever. He is currently in a thera-flu induced coma.

@FilmLadd Fish Bathing? What is that? No, I want to Lord over people!

@FilmLadd Okay, I just voted for you, even though there was a shiny vampire in there that I was really tempted to vote for. I want POWER!

@PeterPollock At least the avatar LOOKS like the Queen of England. But now that I think about it, she had a 5 o’clock shadow.

@PeterPollock Dude. If you’re applying to be @billycoffey’s nasty pimp, forget it. I’ve already got that title!

@PeterPollock We’ve only been friends for awhile. Give it time, I’ll corrupt you before long.

RT @jewdacris Just had a Christmas shoes moment, only it was an old guy buying himself shoes & i don’t think he’s trying to look pretty for Jesus tonight

For my new follower who believes in God, Jesus and Buddah – You’re wrong, dude. There’s only One Way to God (hint-not Buddah)

@katdish Cuz she’ll never see that tweet. Well, she might see it on my post friday.

@Helenatrandom Oh she’s a ho. Also? She doesn’t use twitter. So she’s a nasty ho.

@Helenatrandom I’m not a shoe ho, I’m a twitter ho. Big difference.

@pwilson Do you need me to come down there and punch him in the kidneys? I will, you know.

@Helenatrandom @marni71 and I were discussing whether Rob Bell is really on twitter. Hence the pauses.

@marni71 Were his tweets too specific and doctrinal?

@marni71 do you have a direct line to him? (wondering if it’s the real Rob Bell)

@pwilson How am I supposed to lay down some life changing wisdom if I can’t comment?

@pwilson Seriously, dude. I still can’t comment on your blog. Get someone on that would ya?

@marni71 well

@marni71 it looks

@marni71 like him.

I wonder if


will have tweets

that look like this.

Rabid Rob Bell fans: Bring it!

@chrissulli So, what you’re saying is you used to have bloggerrhea, but now you are blogstipated?

@Helenatrandom Well, I hope you’re happy. You made me look, and now I just threw up in my mouth.

@Helenatrandom Sweet fancy Moses! Would you stop with the head cheese already?

@Becks_Beer Well, I like your face, but I’m shallow like that…

@tremendousnews That was funny. Pathetic and sad – but also funny.

@Becks_Beer Okay. I really like the other avatar better.

Hand to God – this is the most butt-ugly cat you’re ever going to see:

Alright, gotta go watch Deadliest Catch to see if they piss and moan the whole time like they did last week.

@davidgs You’re such a bad influence on me. Almost enough to unfollow. (But I can’t.)

@davidgs Wow. I think you’re more sarcastic than I am. That’s a pretty big deal.

@shrinkingcamel seriously, Bradley! Do you not understand the power of shameless self-promotion via twitter?

@pwilson Okay, I just tried to leave a comment on your blog 3 times to no avail. I’m fixin’ to write you a snarky anonymous email!

Okay! Who missed me? (Please don’t crash the twitter with your overwhelming responses!)

@CandySteele So, I guess that dog’s real name should have been “Unlucky”?

@marni71 Well, apparently Candy’s dog ate his own testicles.

@redclaydiaries Some people love my abuse. I’ve built quite a following because of it. It doesn’t rival yours, but still.

@redclaydiaries As to your comment on my blog? Shut up.

During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. #randomfacts

RT @tremendousnews: I’m not saying she’s ugly, but if she were a font, she’d be wingdings.

If you think it sucks waking up alone, think about spending eternity without the One who made you. (from my pastor this morning)

@CandySteele Well, it is after all, a Jesus Cheeto

@PuriChristos @weightwhat @CandySteele This conversation is going downhill fast!

@CandySteele @PuriChristos Or the Jesus Cheeto. Did anyone see the Jesus Cheeto?

@PuriChristos I think you should start the ceremony with “Maaa-wige!”

@charliewetzel two words: leaf blower. Also? Your wife want a riding vacuum cleaner.


Dang! Gotta go to the Kroger. They hate me there. Maybe I’ll get some more incriminating pornographic cheese butler pics!

RT @AuntMarvel: In Portland on a layover getting my drunk on. And by “drunk” I mean “onion rings and ice water.” HOLY HELL I AM SO BORING.

RT @davidgs: Pro Tip: You’re not going to get rich quick with twitter. It’s not magic. So please, bugger the hell off, would you?

@billycoffey burned meat and baseball? What a completely mantastic day!

Annnnndddd……That’s what she said! Goodnight!

Hubby is finally home. Time to stop talking into the twitter.

I truly am shameless. ..

@MichaelHyatt Seriously, I gotta get me a copy of that book. You should send me one. A katdish recommedation is a rare & beautiful thing.

@CandySteele Look, I just watched 300 last night. Don’t make me come to Iowa!

@weightwhat My HMC (honorary man card) is secure in my back hip pocket. Right next to my firearm.

Oh, what the CRAP? Creepy gecko lizard on the bedroom floor. Went to get a paper towel to pick it up, got back and it was gone! ARGH!

Oh shameless self-promotion, how I love thee…

@MichaelHyatt – I concur. You can’t read everyone’s blog. But you should totally read mine:

@Helenatrandom Glad to hear you’re wearing undies.

Good Saturday Morning, Y’all! Who missed me?

Okay. Off to the post office to mail out flamingos and skank fairies!

Okay, wuddup with the astronaut robot retweeting my tweets?

All Right! Gotta go interface with the non virtual people!

@weschicklit are you kidding me? Put the twitter down, woman!

I’m sorry people. I seem to be having quite a few that’s what she said moments, let’s see: monkey butt

@kdet62 that’s what she said.

AHEM! Please follow @godhasablog #followfriday. And remember to thank him in advance for the great parking space at the mall!

@Becks_Beer That’s what HE said!

@godhasablog Oh, and thanks for answering the whole “where’s my client contact folder” prayer.

Answer: If you were a client contacts folder, you would be under a giant pile of laundry. AHEM!

If you were a client contact folder, where would you be? Hint – not in my briefcase.

@redclaydiaries that’s what she said..

@redclaydiaries I knew you were going to say that.

@muchl8r, @helenatrandom, @weightwhat – Skank fairies and plastic flamingo yard art in route today!

@oliveshoot Waste time on twitter (check!)

@redclaydiaries Or “learn how Twitter pays my bills”. Yeah – if you live in a van down by the river!

Oh Houston humidity! How I loathe you!

You have a creepy brown avatar and your only tweet says “How to gain more followers”? Unfollow

@davidgs of course, I might be a tad jaded, I’ve worked on political campaigns before…

@davidgs regardless of political affiliation, they are mostly all hacks, and most would sell their grandmothers to gypsies.

Seen at the 12 items or less register: whip cream, douche and a lawn chair (hmmm….)

@davidgs oh, you’re such a grumpy ho!

Now come on people. Follow me. It will be fun. Unless you’re that creepy nasty Brittney chick that I had to block. In that case, “Shoo! Shoo!”

These Small Hours

One of the things my family did over the long weekend was have a movie night. We watched “Meet the Robinsons” (again). I love that movie. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a little boy who remains in an orphanage for years and years, longing for a family, facing one disappointing interview after another. I won’t go through the entire movie, but I will tell you there is a happy ending. There a song in that movie called “Little Wonders”. I pink fuzzy heart that song.

I get overwhelmed by life sometimes; by all the “things to do” that never seem to all get done, the day to day grind, trying to live up to a standard I will never achieve. And while I am incredibly, inexplicably fortunate in so many ways, still there are disappointments; things that “could have been” that never will be. But I am beginning to truly understand that life is more about the moments, the small hours. And when I’m feeling sorry for myself (completely unjustifiably, I might add), I remember all the small hours, where my heart resides.

Little Wonders
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain


Different Christians (by Jake Lee)

I’ve picked up quite a few new readers of the past several months. I love that my blog is read by both genders. That’s representative of the friendships I have. One of those friendships that started way back (as in, when I first started blogging), is with Jake Lee – my favorite cranky ho. He’s been such an encouragement to me over the past year. He’s also a person who writes honestly about his Christian walk. I think one of my favorite posts of his was when he suggested that violence was one of the love languages. If you don’t think that’s funny, well, you just have to know Jake. Trust me, it is…

Well enough of my incessant ranting. Here’s Jake:

Of the five years that I’ve been following Jesus, it took four before I really broke out of my church and the culture that developed around it. That isn’t necessarily bad, I have a very tight knit family. There were times that I thought I had, but I was faithful to only go to my church, (you don’t want to be a church ho) and the events that were put on by my church. I’m still faithful to my congregation, but I’ve certainly never had so many friends from different churches as I do now. I worked with people from several different churches at the coffee shop that employed me for a while, and I’ve just met many more in the past year, too. Many of them have their quirks; things that some Christians would say, just aren’t right.

People who I would have labeled as nominal in their Christ-walk have taught me about faith, and about living life. They drink beer. Individuals who swear more than I’ve ever heard anyone who knows Jesus, seem to love Him and people more than I do. People, who might be condemned to hell by their peers have done things that have changed the world, for the better. Several of my friends have started and either own or have sold businesses. If you’ve ever read my blog, then you know about Jerry, the crazy wine-making, beer-drinking professor who has led more students to the Lord than a lot of people I know.

I hate compromise. A year or two ago, I would have been spitting that word some of these peoples’ feet, and might have explained to them that when you love Jesus, your heart changes, that we step away from sin when we step closer to Him and clearly, they haven’t done that. I can’t say that now, and I’m experiencing some tension over it. Perhaps I’m judging them, and want to think of them as goats, rather than sheep in God’s flock. After all, we all get separated in the end, like grain from chaff, right?

Perhaps I’m going soft, simply due to friendship. People have a terrible tendency to soften their hold on standards once a relationship has been established. I don’t want to be an excessively tolerant person simply because I think I can justify these people in their actions, but based on what I’ve seen, they love Jesus. My conclusion then, is that we come from a variety of backgrounds and live in all sorts of situations. Jesus might want us all to get to the same place, but we’re traveling different distances from our own experiences and some of us take longer to get there.

To read more from Jake, check out his blog, Very Much Later

Clean your Room!

A phrase I heard over and over as a child. Variations of this would be, “What a pigstye”, or “What a mess!”

There’s much I heard from my parents that I swore I would never repeat to my own kids. Yeah, yeah. I’ve said most of them, including “Clean your room”. Here’s the thing though – people (kids included) like stuff. More to the point, people like NEW stuff. But then the shiny newness wears off, and then the must have item becomes one more thing that clutters up our homes; one more distraction.

There are shows completely dedicated to helping people de-clutter their homes. Professional organizers are in big demand.

Many people have a distorted image of material possessions. They attach a sentimental value to inanimate objects. Don’t even get me started about people buying stuff on sale or at a garage sale because it will be worth big money some day. Do you know what kind of people pay big money for other people’s stuff? People who have more crap than they need in the first place! I’m not completely unsentimental. I have boxes of keepsakes from my kids — from their baby teeth, to a special stuffed animal they clung to as babies, to pictures and cards they have made for me. Those things are special to me. But random Barbies, games, trading cards, video games, etc., that’s just clutter – to me, anyway. Maybe it’s just me. When my house gets cluttered, my mind gets cluttered.

So, guess what I did yesterday? In part, I began to declutter some areas in my home that sorely needed it. It’s a constant struggle. I don’t want to be wasteful. If I paid for something, I should hang on to it right? That depends. Maybe I thought I would use it, and I never did. If that’s the case, I get rid of it. By the way, if you’re a fan of useless crap, you should check back here often. I have a lot of giveaways:

Oh, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Here’s the thing. Acquiring more stuff for the sake of acquiring more stuff is just one more way we attempt to fill that big, God shaped hole in our hearts. Let’s just stop it, okay? I’m talking to myself here, by the way…

Revelation 3:17-22

You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

I want to travel light. Lord God, help me cling to You; to always value people over things.

Well I was doubling over the load on my shoulders
Was a weight I carried with me everyday
Crossing miles of frustrations and rivers a raging
Picking up stones I found along the way
I staggered and I stumbled down
Pathways of trouble
I was hauling those souvenirs of misery
And with each step taken my back was breaking
‘Til I found the One who took it all from me

Down by the riverside
I laid my burdens down,
Now I’m traveling light
My spirit lifted high
I found my freedom now
And I’m traveling light

On War and Fishing (by Billy Coffey)

We stood far enough away from one another to not to tangle our lines but still be within speaking distance. Because when two men go fishing, conversation is just as essential as a pole and some water.

The last time Kirk and I had gone fishing, he had cussed the water and the fish and the pole he was using, drank a six-pack of beer, and spoke of his latest conquest—the cashier down at the Dairy Queen. Typical, I suppose, of a nineteen-year-old male. I listened patiently, waiting for a sufficient break in his bragging to suggest he grow up and get on in his life. In the three hours we fished, I barely said a word.

Four years and a few months later, we stood on that same riverbank with those two same fishing poles, and Kirk still talked. But as he spoke and I listened, I knew things were different now. Kirk had changed.

Time does that to a person. So does war.

When he told me three years ago he was joining the army, I told him it was the best thing he could do. He needed the discipline, I said. Besides, the only jobs around here were either on farms or in factories, and Kirk was cut out for neither.

We both knew what joining the army meant. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were raging, and every headline of every newspaper was filled with the latest casualties. But neither of us mentioned the fact that Kirk would be heading off to war. It was simply a given.

A few weeks after boot camp, Kirk got his orders. He was going to Iraq.

His mother tied a yellow ribbon on the big oak tree in their front yard, and Kirk was put on the prayer lists of just about every church within ten miles. Every once in a while I would hear bits and pieces about where he was and how he was doing, and we would exchange emails when we could, but for the most part he was there and I was here and time moved on.

Then, out of the blue, he called me on Saturday. “I’m back,” he said. “How ‘bout some fishin’?”

I never asked him what it was like. Never asked him what he felt or what he did or what he saw. I just said that I was glad he was back safe and sound. But as the afternoon wore on and the fish refused to bite, he began to share some of the things that weighed on his heart.

The things you see in the movies about war? About brave men withstanding a hail of gunfire and coming out without a scratch? That doesn’t happen. In real life those bullets are real and they don’t care whose flesh they puncture, whether it’s a soldier or a terrorist or a five-year-old girl.

And the love of country? That’s there. Always and without a doubt. But Kirk didn’t see himself as someone laying down his life for his country, he saw himself as someone willing to die for his friends. For his brothers. Because God gives you one family, and war gives you another.

Don’t read the papers, he said. Because the papers only print what they want to print, and not the truth. The truth? The truth is that you would be amazed at what’s happening in Iraq. There are schools and hospitals. There are smiles. There is freedom. If there was one thing that Kirk hated, it was the fact that the war had become less about the men and women fighting it and more about the politicians using it for their own gains.

But most of all, Kirk learned this:

We cheapen life. We no longer hold it as special. As sacred. And because we don’t, war will always be a part of this world. People can work for peace as much as they want, and they should, but in the end we are all dark inside. There will forever be the need for men and women to stand guard for the rest of us. They will sacrifice their peace so we may be able to enjoy ours.

Four years and a few months ago, I stood by that river and fished with a boy. Saturday, I stood there and fished with a man.

There are plenty of people who think of this day as the beginning of summer. A day off. A chance to barbeque and relax. But from now on, I will be thinking of Kirk. Not because of how far he’s come.

Because of what he had to endure to get there.

To read more of Billy’s writing, visit him at What I Learned Today.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

I know that I have been mostly abundantly silly this week (as opposed to how I am ordinarily?) I really don’t have a post today, just a scripture that has been on my heart that I wanted to share:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

(Phillipians 1:3-11)

With a grateful heart,


To follow or not to follow…

Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Did I have fun on Twitter last week! Picked up a bunch of new followers, including none other than Mr. @prodigaljohn himself! Say what you will, there’s something to be said for being incredibly annoying. It just works for me. My sister in sarcasm, @stacyasmallSFL finally broke down and joined twitter. Unfortunately, at the time of this posting, she still has a very creep avatar. She’s probably only leaving it up to annoy me.

I seem to have the same audience on twitter as I do on this blog. Lots of dudes, not so many women. But the women that do follow and I follow back are wicked awesome cool. One very kind, Christ centered lady, after a series of rather monkey butt rich tweets between @purichristos, @redclaydiaries, @weightwhat, and @helenatrandom sent me a tweet asking if I had read a particular book by a Christian author. I told her that I had, and that I loved it. I’m wondering if she believed me…

Rather than retweet entire conversations, I’m only going to post my end of the conversation. It’s more random that way. Also, I’m lazy. Please note that they are in reverse chronological order. I was going for a cool, “Pulp Fiction” sort of vibe. Okay, not really. Again – lazy.

Ladies and gentlemen: the best of me on Twitter:

@davidgs Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m okay with that.

#chidren’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit – The Farm where Your Dog Really Goes

#children’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit : The Old Hobo’s infected Toe


@pwilson No, wait…you said you want to FOCUS? Nevermind

@pwilson My advice? Read my blog.

@Mix933 Hey, you’re welcome. But I wasn’t listening. I’m not much of a listener…What?

@PeterPollock Well, at least I blow dried my cabinet doors. All is not lost!

@br8kthru Thanks, Alaska! I feel much better now!

Ugh! Almost 2 pm and I have got a whole lotta nothing done! Low Carb Monster, STAT!

Houston humidity has reduced me to blow drying cabinet doors. I love my life!

RT @BigBags: “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” – Demetri

@PeterPollock I have a new post! Are you telling me I’m not in your RSS feeder? If that’s the case Peter – you’re dead to me!

Good morning (again)! For Gumby’s sake, would someone in the Greater Houston area please come fix my tweetdeck. I am that dumb.

@helenatrandom eats head cheese, and I think that’s disgusting! #randomfact

@MichaelHyatt Wait…you have a blog? (snort – just kidding)

I couldn’t care less who won on American Idol #

I ate a cheese and pickle sammich for dinner and it was delightful #randomfact

@iamstesha “All up in my twitter business” that’s what she said.

@PeterPollock I know. He hates me.

@iamstesha Hey! At least your husband is on twitter. My husband doesn’t even read my blog. Which is probably a good thing, really.

@br8kthru Ugh! I hate magicians! I don’t need to pay people to lie to me. That’s what the federal government is for.

@muchl8r Yeah, some people have to just suck the fun out of everything.

@loswhit you. and yet you continue to ignore me…

Is now being followed by drunken texts, scantily clad co-eds and magic eye lift procedures. Not sure I like this trend.

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re a drunk.” #badquotes

“I have really bad health insurance. The only hospital on my plan is the Imitation Mayo Clinic.” #badquotes

“I called a discount exterminator. A guy showed up with a rolled up newspaper.” #badquotes

@KevinMartineau Authenticity is critical. If you can fake that, you’re pretty much golden.

Just checked my Google Analytics Keyword Search. There are some strange people out there. Oh, and welcome!

RT @davidgs: Boss has called a ‘brief’ status meeting. Gobbling xanax like M&Ms

@oliveshoot I have no clue what you just said.

@PeterPollock Failure? Nah, I have to write about something I’m familiar with.

Post written for Friday. Nada for tomorrow. Topics? Anyone? Anyone?

“We all deserve someone who likes us for who we are pretending to be.” #badquotes

Wet paint in garage + yard guys = sucks being me

@TimMoore seriously – you don’t want to go cheap on haircuts, lasik or plastic surgery.

“PETA says don’t eat anything w/a face. My standards are more relaxed: Don’t eat anything w/a job” #badquotes

“Fruit only angers my need for chocolate.” #badquotes

@PuriChristos Seriously, Nick. They already know monkey butt. It’s a small church.

Trying to plan a lesson for kid’s church tomorrow. Scary…I know.

Hey, read @billycoffey ‘s blog today. Excellent writer. Twitterer? Not so much

@stacyasmallSFL – while you’re changing your haircolor, could you change that creepy @$$ avatar?

@davidgs Oh, promises, promises!

@davidgs Please don’t unfollow me. I find your avatar strangely compelling…

@davidgs Hey! How’s everyone? What’s everyone talking about? (snort!)

#whyifollow – because I will always refollow pastor types. I need all the prayers I can get!

@awsaufley Just don’t break down and buy a white computer. My image of you would be shattered beyond repair.

@PuriChristos Look, do you want me to read your blog post, or not? (So far, so good, btw)

@PuriChristos Sorry, dude. Walmart, girly birthday party, then girly wedding shower. Had to come home and wash the girlyness off.

Alright people. Time to play no-shoe, tattoo, dirty t-shirt bingo at the Wal*Marts! Peace out!

@oliveshoot Yes, I know…but when you can simply delight in your own hilarity, who needs a wide audience?

@oliveshoot I know! I crack MYSELF up!

That’s what she said…

RT @PuriChristos: @katdish On donkey kong’s monkey butt? I think that might be illegal in most countries

@PuriChristos Oh, that’s okay. I know you. The magic is gone…

#whyifollow – because superhero avatars are H-A-W-T!

#whyifollow – because I pink fuzzy heart the eastern seaboard

@davidgs you are a bit of a bad boy, aren’t you?

@Helenatrandom Hey, that’s not an accurate statement. There’s a whole host of reasons I make fun of her.

@PuriChristos Oh Nick! I’m on that like Donkey monkey butt kong! Give me 3 days! Monkey butt infamy!

Sweet Fancy Moses! God (@godhasablog) just wrote a post of #FOTTSP! Sure, He’s griping at us, but I’m totally used to that!

@PuriChristos One a week? Um, er…yeah…Me too.

@PuriChristos Am I safe to assume you have a good supply of low carb monster on hand?

Good Morning Twitterville! How may I enrich your lives through the magic of social media? But make it snappy. I gotta go to Walmart.

@shrinkingcamel yes, bradley. I wasn’t going to mention the whole tenet thing, because I’m polite like that…

There now. All better.

It’s been hours since I shamelessly self promoted my blog!:

Wow two hat follows in one day. That’s gotta be some kind of record.

RT @redclaydiaries: Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos, you complete me.

#whyifollow because your monkey butt really IS shaped like a heart. And that’s disgustingly adorable!

@SheLives Sadly, she has stopped taking my calls.

@redclaydiaries Yes. It is captivatingly disgusting…

@SheLives does this mean I can’t celebrity worship you anymore? Oh, well…Tina Weymouth was getting a bit jealous anyway.

@PuriChristos but could you put a profile pic? Monkey butt or awesome cat?

@PuriChristos Oh thank you Nick! You the big geeky man!

@muchl8r maybe @baconjesus could have helped you pass that stone. You should probably follow him.

RT @PuriChristos: @redclaydiaries like when I tweeted douche

@redclaydiaries I can’t believe you’re following @baconjesus. I won’t even go there!

@prodigaljohn – please follow @jamieworley She’s very nice and not at all like me.

@jamieworley sorry. my bad…ahem!

@PuriChristos well get on that geek boy!

@redclaydiaries Oh, stop! You’re making me miss my mother!

@prodigaljohn welcome to the ugly underbelly of SCL commenters.

@redclaydiaries you never said you wanted a crap closet flamingo! email me your address.

@PuriChristos it never ends well. That’s why it’s so awesome.

@PuriChristos Nice…throw me under the monkey butt bus!

@stretchmarkmama annoying, adorable, um…that’s pretty much it.

@emevalentine “what do I do that’s annoying”? You obviously haven’t been following me very long. Maybe you should check out my blog.

#whyifollow – because I find your black derby hat equally engaging and disturbing.

@redclaydiaries look, I don’t have the kind of time. I’m busy being pseudo famous.

@PuriChristos Oh, like @prodigaljohn isn’t following her! (I already checked – he is)

@PuriChristos Are you happy now? I’ve pulled out considerable stops.

@prodigaljohn – please follow @helenatrandom, @purichristos (Nick), @redclaydiaries, @candysteele, @weightwhat, @marni71, @buzzbyannies

I’ve pretty much built a name for myself being incredibly annoying.

Who says being incredibly annoying doesn’t have its advantages?

LET THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH DECLARE: @prodigaljohn is now following me on twitter! (Dang – totally out of material now)

@Helenatrandom (crickets chirping)

#whyitweet because being random and annoying on my blog and yours just isn’t enough for me.

@redclaydiaries do you think I just have a giant closet of random crap that I give out to all my friends? (Because I totally do)

@Helenatrandom If by “It’s katdish’s fault”, you mean, “Thank you, katdish may I have another”. Then yes. It’s katdish’s fault.

Oh come ON! Please don’t yell in the twitter (that’s what she said)? Hello? (tap, tap, tap) Is this mic on? That’s GOLD people!

@redclaydiaries THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

RT @redclaydiaries: @PuriChristos Please don’t yell in the Twitter.

@PuriChristos I’ll have you know, that some people finding me rather engaging and adorable. Isn’t that right @Brian_Russell?

@Helenatrandom Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Do not say head cheese!

@weightwhat It’s coming! I’m having a hard time finding a flamingo shipping box. Those are not stock items.

RT @Brian_Russell: #whyitweet : Because my Grandmother got a Facebook, and I think the Apocalypse is nigh… I’ll hide here.

@PuriChristos No, that would be Beth. She and Mare have the most crap from me.

@redclaydiaries but mostly me…

@PuriChristos that’s what she said…

@weightwhat Don’t be ridiculous, Wendy. I’m @redclaydiaries favorite. She big red monkey butt hearts me the most

RT @PuriChristos: @katdish you are enjoying this WAY to much. Don’t look at the Shillelagh anymore. It is corrupting you.

RT @PuriChristos: ewww @katdish did it again. FIRE FIRE FIRE

RT @PuriChristos: @tremendousnews dangit, I think @katdish did my first retweet. Now I feel kinda dirty (out damn spot kinda dirty)

@stacyasmallSFL I’m sorry — I cannot respond to a creepy brown avatar with blue circle eyes.

Oh, and if @prodigaljohn follows @stacyasmallSFL and not me, we’re through, PJ!

Attention! Attention! @stacyasmallSFL is now on twitter. I am quiet and demure compared to her.

When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a moderately well managed Presbyterian Youth Center. – Emo Phillips

RT @Erinbeekeeper: Cannot believe how dumb some people are! also, I want sonic.

@Erinbeekeeper nice transition there, Erin.

Have you read my blog today? People, I’m not writing this stuff for my own enjoyment! (Okay, maybe I am, but still.)

@loswhit I would love one. Thank you!

I was feeling empty. Not quite understanding what was wrong we me. Then I remembered to drink my low carb monster. Now all is good.

@godhasablog Would you write for us if I sent you an invite? That would be kind of a big deal…

“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial” – Ava Gardner

@authorjeremy Oh fine! Unfollow! (just kidding)

@authorjeremy OH-EM-GEE! Are you telling me that you know Stephen King? He’s my scary writer hero!

@authorjeremy I LOVE scary authors with a guitar. Will Stephen King be involved?

@PeterPollock Oh, you’re just saying that because it’s true!

#followfriday: @tremendousnews. that’s really all you need.

RT @tremendousnews: Thank you for your #followfriday. Kindly use the disclaimer: “he has all the appeal of an invasive surgery”

@loswhit sorry about that last tweet, I don’t know how your name got on there. Carry on.

@loswhit @marni71 and how come SFL isn’t on twitter yet? She’d be all up in this.

@levittmike Yes! That just might work! Thank you. Can you call my client for me?

Oooo! Some hot young guy just called me baby!

@LevelTen_Colin what is friendfeed? Sounds expensive. My friends eat a lot.

@Becks_Beer Are you following me yet? You totally should be..

@weightwhat Nah…too obvious.

Dear @stunned_beef , Sweet fancy Moses! I don’t even want to know how you came up with that name.

I need an excuse as to why I’m not painting cabinet door right now. Please submit in 140 characters or less.

@muchl8r you’re worried about sounding stupid to ME? I thought you knew me better than that. I’m all up in stupid.

@muchl8r I ALWAYS have fun being a bum! Now, if I could just get paid for it…

@whataboutbobdog I’m so lazy, I’m thinking about getting one of those voice box doo-hickys so I don’t even have to type.

@whataboutbobdog LINK, PLEASE!

@godhasablog Sounds good. And I want to thank you in advance for the excellent parking space at the airport

I’m not kidding. If you want me to leave a comment on your blog, you better give me a link. I’m feeling extra lazy this morning.

@redclaydiaries so did you actually go for a walk with Charlie, or did he pull you around in a wagon?

@jewdacris4 seriously, that rises to a new level of craptastic!

@jewdacris4 Are you freaking kidding me with that video?

@godhasablog Go ahead. I’ll cover for you.

Here’s my lazy #followfriday: follow everyone @blogomomma says to. She does not disappoint.

Okay…Who wrote a blog post they want me to lay down some wisdom on in the comments section? Yeah, I’m that lazy.

@br8kthru Is that a racial slur? It’s okay if it is, just checking…

Superduper wax-free mega pastor #followfriday: @pwilson

@marni71 the douche tweet, that is

@marni71 I’m not gonna lie. I just went pee a little after reading that tweet.

Superduper pastorly type #followfriday: @br8kthru, @purichristos, @peterpollock, @churchpunk, @jewdacris4, @nickcarnes, @revmarkbrown

I’ve been lurking this morning…

Okay, I gotta get some shut eye. Tomorrow’s another fun-filled low carb monster sort of day!

@blogomomma Okay, we can be friends, but don’t be talking about your core and such nonsense. But that is a pretty sweet machine!

@blogomomma Now see, that’s why I took up smoking. I can get my heart rate up pretty fast these days. (kidding)

@weightwhat I do what I can Wendy. I do what I can.

@blogomomma Now see, that goes against my workout motto: “No pain = no pain”

@blogomomma HSN?!? What kind of tacky crap are you buying on HSN? (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

@pwilson you need to give Acuff a hard time because he REFUSES to follow me on twitter. After all I’ve done for that man’s career (snort)

@weightwhat No. I’m making new friends and considering unfollowing some old ones. (not you, of course)

I think I may do an “Unfollow Friday” tomorrow. You know, mix things up a bit…

I may be awake, I may not. Depends on whether the washing machine stops in the next 36 minutes.

It’s not up yet, but at 12:01 Central time, my weekly twitter update will post. This week featuring @tremendousnews

@Brian_Russell Thanks a million for the retweet of my incredibly inflated ego. That makes me feel so special.

@pwilson HA! I’ll kick some ferret flu butt!

@pwilson FERRET FLU? Oh, that is rich!

@juliepeterson sorry, no. I’m too cheap.

RT @tremendousnews: Don’t ever unfollow us. We’ll hunt you down electronically and send you empty threats while crying.

@PuriChristos Starter pistol!

@PuriChristos Monkey butt!

@PuriChristos Yes Nick. Thanks for the fist bump.

I need that feedback for my incredibly inflated ego.

Light bulb moment- People read my blog on a regular basis & NEVER leave comments. What is UP with that? I’m glad you read, but talk to me!

@blogomomma Oh, I was taking credit for being your creepy stalker.

@rachaelmphillip It was worth a shot

@jewdacris4 way to clean up those tweets fartface!

RT @PuriChristos: Going to go set something on fire. I love my life

RT @tonyyork: If you ever walk into the men’s room and it smells like bring-a-goat-to-work day. Leave… Just leave.

@bf_podcast wow. that is seriously sucktacular.

@Helenatrandom @redclaydiaries I’m waiting for @hellinahandbasket to start following me. Then I’ll be worried.

@redclaydiaries Honestly, don’t you think “monkey butt love” is assumed when following any of us?

Because my friend Beth is a twitter snob:

I think it’s time to start writing my weekly twitter update. Please send me some hilarity.


So, what have we learned?

If you are following me, you should also follow my friends

  • @blogomomma does not require much sleep
  • @billycoffey is an excellent writer, but does not fully grasp the power of shameless self promotion via twitter, and if he expects me to continue to be his nasty pimp, he needs to cooperate a bit more.
  • that’s what she said
  • If @purichristos and I grew up in the same house, one of us would surely be dead, or at the very least, maimed.

On a personal note, I would just like to say, “Hot young guy who unfollowed me: Come back!”

Best Funeral Ever.

Does that sound strange, disrespectful, irreverent? It’s not meant to be. Ask anyone in attendance and I’d be willing to bet that most would agree.

Have you ever laughed out loud at a funeral? Ever applauded wildly? Me neither, until today. But then I have never been to a funeral that was planned right down to the last detail by my friend Pat, who is probably one of the coolest people I’ve ever known.

Briefly, I will tell you that Pat was 71 years young. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true in her case. She loved God and she loved people in big, generous, outrageous ways. I suppose one of the advantages, if you could call it that, of knowing you’re going to die is that you get to say what’s important; what matters. When I visited Pat, we didn’t talk about the weather, we talked about how much we meant to each other. She didn’t spend time mourning a life that she should have lived. She gave specific instructions as to how she wanted her funeral to proceed.

My job was simple. She had asked her kids to each reach a chapter from the Book of Psalms. If they started to falter and couldn’t go on, I was to go up there and finish the reading. It turns out that wasn’t necessary, but I was ready and able if needed.

The place was packed full of people, all of whom loved her. Can I just say that you couldn’t help but love this woman unless your heart is made of stone? Darren Walter (the pastor of Pat’s church – formerly my church) opened the service with a prayer and the usual “survived by” stuff. He’s a great guy and he did a great job. He shared with us that Pat told him, “Well, you’re no Pastor So-and-So , but you’re a good kid.” You never needed to ask Pat what she really thought. That was pretty much whatever came out of her mouth.

Another specific request she made was that the song “Days of Elijah” was to be sung. And it was to be sung by Jeff Hogan. Fortunately, we (C3) have a very good relationship with our old church, so that was not a problem. Jeff and Tamara rocked that song. Then a wonderful retired preacher by the name of Brother Wayne sang “Amazing Grace” in his big, booming beautiful southern gospel voice.

Her children and one of her grandchildren read the scriptures she had requested. Her daughter Cari spoke lovingly about some of the things that made Pat such a wonderful, loving mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and friend.

Now for the best part. Cue the video. Pat made a video before she died from her bed. It was classic Pat. She told us how much she loved us, and not to be sad for her. She shared the story of the 3 dreams she had of heaven. Said it was God’s way of putting her at peace. She had absolutely no doubt in her mind that there is a heaven and she would soon be there.

That was the theme for her funeral. That was her dying wish. She wanted everyone within earshot to know that heaven is a real place, and that she fully expected to see all of us there.

I look forward to that day.

At the close of the service, on an unseasonably beautiful day in Katy, Texas, we released 71 white balloons towards heaven.

Spot on perfect funeral.

God doesn’t want your BS (by Jason S at Connecting to Impact)

I’m going to be honest. There are some really amazing high profile pastors that are doing some amazing things for the Kingdom. I have been fortunate enough to meet a handful of them through blogging and at church conferences. But honestly, some of my very favorite pastors are the ones that comment on this blog and who involuntarily cringe a little bit when they see I’ve left a comment on their blogs. One of my favorites is Jason. You gotta love a pastor who can appreciate a good “that’s what she said” moment:

Katdish asked me about maybe doing a guest post a little while ago. At first I was gung-ho ready (which is usually the case) then came the point where I wondered what I would write.

I do have to say that I appreciate Katdish a whole heckuva lot. She was one of the first to start consistently commenting on my blog and she’s been a great encourager for this dorky pastor who’s trying to be real and frequently feeling his way through. I heart your hilarious, encouraging, sometimes irritating soul, Katdish. Sorry, done with the mushy stuff.

I’ve been in ministry for years now, but I officially became lead pastor of our church way back in December of 2008. It has been thoroughly wonderful so far, and I am so blessed at who and how God has put us together as a church here in Juneau, AK to see His purposes accomplished.

I am amazed though at how much I feel like a politician. I have to motivate people, inspire, encourage, make (only) positive changes, share a vision for the future, and deal with people—some of whom feel I have not lived up to one or all of those things. I live and learn while raising a family and working a full-time job besides the one pastoring our church.

One thing I’m not so good at, and for the most part refuse to do, is BS people. I know, I know—a politician who can’t BS is done before he starts, but I think the church has been filled with it for too long (so has politics, but that’s another post). In fact, a lot of churches are so filled you can barely get in the doors on Sunday (nice visual, huh?).

We have tended toward not dealing with things, faking it ‘til we make it (which never seems to come), concealing disappointments because anything else is a “lack of faith,” and so on.

We’ve settled for pretending Christianity instead of living and experiencing it. You didn’t get the job you wanted? Well, let me regurgitate a bumper sticker I read once that I don’t really believe (because my life proves it) but will hopefully make you feel better. You just heard you have Ovarian Flu? It’s okay, just trust God and He’ll make everything better.

I’m not saying this as condemnation, but I know the temptation is always there. It’s easier to BS than to walk with somebody where you don’t want to go.

Romans 15:15 & 16 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”

That’s not easy. Neither is Jesus’ command to love each other as He loved us. That’s the point, it’s divine and supernatural work. I love that the verse says, “live in harmony.” We’re not all robots spouting the same clichés and going through the same experiences. We flow together to make something new, that’s what harmony is: diverse sounds coming together.

The beginning of Romans 15 gives us the template to live above the BS. We offer our bodies as living sacrifices. It’s in surrender that we can make a difference and truly walk with people. God’s not buying it and we’re not helping anybody, so let’s put the shovel down.

Just the other day, I was tempted to BS. I was writing about a great church event we had that went very well, but didn’t draw all the people I thought it should have. I wanted to gloss that over and put a “spin” on it then I thought, “why do I want to do this?”

The sad answer that has plagued mankind since the beginning was staring me in the face at that moment: pride.

Pride says I need to be recognized, I need to have all the answers, I need a big church to be important, I need 100 comments on my blog post. That’s why we BS and try to make ourselves look better, but better to whom?

We already have God’s heart and attention, what more could you ask for?

What do you think? Are you guilty of piling on the BS or are you working hard to get it out of the church and/or your lives?

To read more not BS from Jason, check out his blog, Connecting to Impact

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