Pardon me while I rant incessantly – Christian Retail Edition

February 19, 2010 in christian marketing,me ranting incessantly with 39 Comments

I love Jesus. I love the church (imperfect as it is). I’m also a big fan of books about faith, theology and Christianity. If I know what I want, I can simply order a book online. But sometimes I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. Sometimes I just have to wander around a Christian bookstore until I find a book that draws me in. And sometimes I just like to go in Christian bookstores and look at all the ridiculous things they sell besides books. Like yesterday, for example…

I realize this is a familiar rant, but seriously people – we’re all loud and proud about being in the world but not of the world, but the stuff Christian retailers sell just makes me cringe. Some of the most original, brilliant, creative people I know are Christians. None of these people are retail buyers for Christian bookstores. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few things that I wouldn’t mind having, but the vast majority of items found in the gift section are just, well, crap.

Rather than coming up with anything original, they blatantly and proudly rip off secular products as if to say, “Your products are evil and worldly. We are just like you, only better! Take THAT, Satan!”

“What do you mean katdish?”… I’m glad you asked. I have pictures!

This sign encourages girls to be violent towards boys:

This sign is humorous, holy and righteous:

This shirt is suggestive and encourages girls to date the undead:

This sign says…wait – I HEART BOYS? Oh, silly me! I didn’t see the “who love Jesus” part! This sign is awesome and not at all misleading:

This ad features a angry dancing girl who is probably a hoochie mama listening to devil music:

This sign features a prayerful woman who needs only to listen to the Holy Spirit. She doesn’t need music to distract her:

More devil music, no doubt:

Who needs Guitar Hero? God is my Hero (and He hates screaming guitar music):

Trading Cards featuring scary, evil monsters:

Kid: “Mom, all my friends have Yu–Gi-oh cards. Can I get some?”
Mom: “No, but you can have these Redemption trading cards!”
Kid: “But none of my friends have those. Who can I trade with?”
Mom: “I bought some for your sister, too!”
Kid: “Awesome! Thanks, Mom. You’re the best!”

This is just a flat out rip off of Fancy Nancy. And that’s all I have to say about that:

And here’s a couple of other products that I just found annoying:

I appreciate your prayers. I appreciate chocolate chip cookies. So, if you really love me, pray for me and send me cookies. Just don’t spend twenty dollars on a jar of cookies, because once the jar is empty, that’s how my soul will feel:

Don’t get me started…

Ahhh…I feel much better now.

So what’s your favorite Christian rip-off product? Or do you think I’m being harsh and unfair to Christian retailers?

Come on. I can take it.

Bring it, Foo.

UPDATE: Thanks for all the great links to annoying Christian knock off products! A special thanks to Michelle, who gets the “Sweet Fancy Moses!” prize of the week with this entry, the Jesus Chair: